Obstinate 7 and a half year old boy - what to do?

[MaxiMom]

Hi Mamas,

It's been a long while since I've been in these forums. I'm at a point where I believe I need some perspective and perhaps some suggestions.

My ds is 7 and a half, very smart and active.  My trouble is that he DOES NOT want to listen to anything I ask of him.  I always get responses like, "just a sec" or "I'm just..." or "but mommy" and of course, the straight out "no, I don't want to".  It is frustrating and often makes me angry, which I don't want to be, because it is every single time.  It is rare that I get an "ok", or "yes, Mommy". I am at my wits end.  I would like to come up with positive strategies to turn this around, but I don't just can't see any right now. All I want to tell him is, "fine, do what you want, and don't ask me for anything", but this is not positive, nor realistic.  I see selfish tendencies in him that I don't want him to carry throughout his life.  Maybe this is unrealistic if this is just his true personality.  Which it may be, as he has been this way since he was 2. :(

[meemee]

all children are selfish. they are meant to be. its their survival instinct. 

that doesnt mean they will turn into a selfish individual. it just means they are on target so that if their support system fails they can "demand" to be looked after if there is someone to hear. 

another thing mama. this is not about your son. this is about you.

you have hit your 'first' parenting milestone. in fact i would even go as far as to say you are finally starting your 'true' parenting journey. you are turning from a nurturer to guide (for lack of correct terms). 

your son is demanding to be his own person and you have to start letting go. btw i have lived with a lawyer child since she was 3 so i have v. rarely ever gotten a yes mommy. 

there are mamas here who have wonderful book suggestions and i hope they will post it here. 

THIS to me is the beginning of starting to recognise that teenage years are not that far away and you have plenty of time to figure out what philosophy you want to choose as a parent to let your child have more say. 

i find the more i am quiet, the more responsibility i give my child, the more i step back when it is appropriate - the less power struggles i have. 

[LynnS6]

I wonder if it's part of the age? Our dd is just about 7 1/2 and we've been getting a lot more open defiance lately. "No, I won't!" "No, I don't want to!"  I did let her win an argument the other day about her piano lesson because she wasn't seeing reason ('no, you don't play those with both hands together because the staffs are too far apart!'). I gave up and decided to let her piano teacher deal with it.

She's always been one to argue (she won her first argument with logic at 3  -- dh wanted to take her to the science museum (he likes it more), she wanted to go to the children's museum "but daddy, the children's museum is closer." Dang, she was right!) But this new kind of arguing has more of an edge to it. She's clearly frustrated at being told what to do.

Some things that are helping are going back to some of the things that I used to do when she was a toddler -- several warnings for transition; setting the timer for when she needs to stop/start an activity; a bit more one-on-one time with her playing the lead (OK, I've fallen down on that in the last few weeks due to health issues, but it's coming back); I'm trying to get her more sleep. But, I haven't found a great solution, yet. My most effective strategy to date when something has to be done (like turn off the computer and come to dinner) is to simply ignore the 'no' and repeat my request. For things that can be done on a more flexible schedule, I'm looking for ideas. Giving her more autonomy is probably part of the answer, but there's more to it.

[NZJMama]

Originally Posted by meemee 

all children are selfish. they are meant to be. its their survival instinct. 

that doesnt mean they will turn into a selfish individual. it just means they are on target so that if their support system fails they can "demand" to be looked after if there is someone to hear. 

another thing mama. this is not about your son. this is about you.

you have hit your 'first' parenting milestone. in fact i would even go as far as to say you are finally starting your 'true' parenting journey. you are turning from a nurturer to guide (for lack of correct terms). 

your son is demanding to be his own person and you have to start letting go. btw i have lived with a lawyer child since she was 3 so i have v. rarely ever gotten a yes mommy. 

there are mamas here who have wonderful book suggestions and i hope they will post it here. 

THIS to me is the beginning of starting to recognise that teenage years are not that far away and you have plenty of time to figure out what philosophy you want to choose as a parent to let your child have more say. 

i find the more i am quiet, the more responsibility i give my child, the more i step back when it is appropriate - the less power struggles i have. 

I was going to say something similar, but I could never be this eloquent. I also don't have quite as much experience. My DS just turned 7 and I have found that he is much more cooperative with me if I give him more freedom and responsiblity. We just have fewer power struggles.

[Mom31]

subbing love to hear suggestions I have a 8 yo boy who does not listen to a word I say.  He reminds me of a lawyer to... always arguing or twisting or putting me off.

[MaxiMom]

Thanks, ladies, good suggestions and nice to know I'm not alone.SUBMIT

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Emilie2 

 a 8 yo boy who does not listen to a word I say.  He reminds me of a lawyer to... always arguing or twisting or putting me off.

who wants to listen to a one sided conversation? its time to make it a two way street (not saying you arent doing that, but just be more mindful of it). 

the key is the difference between command and suggestion. be v. specific and v. clear when it is which. so the lawyer knows when to argue and when not to.

as i have told my dd since she was 3, give me a good argument and i will listen to you. yes i have changed my mind many times - even with a 3 year old , even with a 'just because mama i really really want to'. 

i have the 'listen to the hand'. visual cues help my dd out a lot. when i use my hand to speak - palm facing out (i only use it rarely) no need for argument. lots of but but but and frustration but no more words and argument. the key that makes it work is when I MYSELF know what i am asking IS a command. 

now at a new 9 we have discussions but its not an argument. and yes at 7 its a phase and i would say dd and i got used to each other at about 8.

it is of utmost importance to be v. specific and to admit you dont quite know if you dont. 

i've had to bite my tongue at rolled eyes from dd and ignore comments like 'you dont get it mama, you are too old'. i had to stay silent because the best lesson she learnt was when SHE realised i was right!!!!! instead of me correcting her or punishing her for speaking her own mind. many times she doesnt say it because she knows its rude but i can totally see it in her body language. my biggest winner has been racial stereotype jokes (actually a big wake up call when i realised i did it myself).