Bio mom wants to borrow baby?

[BubblingBrooks]

Need opinions on this.
We have had our baby since she was 3 weeks old. She is 7 months now, and the adoption should be legal by the end of the year.
Both Bio parents want this 100%.
But, the bio mom is asking if she can take the baby for a one hour visit to the home she is in currently.
Disclosure-she is not stable. 19 years old. Does drugs, "works" if you catch my drift, and is on her 3rd partner this year.

We do not want visits to be anything other then once a month at most, and with full supervision either at a neutral place or in our home.

What do we tell her?

[Mom31]

Can you go with her to this place?  I would not under any circumstances give her the baby alone.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by BubblingBrooks 

We do not want visits to be anything other then once a month at most, and with full supervision either at a neutral place or in our home.

This is your answer.  You can give her this information, and insist that she do what you are comfortable with.

[BubblingBrooks]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

This is your answer.  You can give her this information, and insist that she do what you are comfortable with.

We have mentioned this, but her response is what I posted above.
 

I wonder if we should pull the lawyer card...

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by BubblingBrooks 

We have mentioned this, but her response is what I posted above.
 

I wonder if we should pull the lawyer card...

Wait, what is her response?  That she wants to take the baby to her home for an hour alone?  Then you say, "I'm sorry, we are not comfortable with that.  You may see her once/month, in a neutral public place, or in our home, while we are present."  Hold firm.  Or, tell her that you can re-visit the idea when your dd is older, now she is too young for one on one visits.

[BubblingBrooks]

Your right. Just afraid of her changing her mind

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by BubblingBrooks 

Your right. Just afraid of her changing her mind

 

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by BubblingBrooks 

Your right. Just afraid of her changing her mind

Has she signed TPR? If so, there shouldn't be anything she can do.

[BubblingBrooks]

That should be happening any time now.
I have not heard of a date though.

[SundayCrepes]

Then you are in a sticky situation because it is her baby. (Unless the courts have a say in it.)

I would suggest focusing on the developmental aspect. She is at the age that she needs her familiar caregivers. It will be very hard on her if she is away from you. Offer to bring the baby to her house. It may not be best, but since it is legally HER baby, I'm not sure how you could not respect some of her wishes.

[LynnS6]

OK, I'm totally forum crashing here, and if my advice isn't appropriate, you can ignore it.

Do you have a social worker still assigned to your case? (my MIL was a social worker who worked with adoption, and she's described being involved until the adoption was final -- I don't know if that's common or not). I would call the social worker, if you've got one, as I'm sure they're experienced with this sort of sticky situation. If you've only got a lawyer, then it'll have to be the lawyer.

Since biomom isn't stable, I think letting her take the baby alone is a really really bad idea. I think your parameters are reasonable. It's your job to keep this baby safe, and if mom's not in a safe situation, it can't be good.

[Polliwog]

Your advice is basically what I was going to post. If she hasn't had her rights terminated, or if she hasn't officially relinquished her rights, I would definitely get support/guidance from the social worker.

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

OK, I'm totally forum crashing here, and if my advice isn't appropriate, you can ignore it.

Do you have a social worker still assigned to your case? (my MIL was a social worker who worked with adoption, and she's described being involved until the adoption was final -- I don't know if that's common or not). I would call the social worker, if you've got one, as I'm sure they're experienced with this sort of sticky situation. If you've only got a lawyer, then it'll have to be the lawyer.

Since biomom isn't stable, I think letting her take the baby alone is a really really bad idea. I think your parameters are reasonable. It's your job to keep this baby safe, and if mom's not in a safe situation, it can't be good.

[Mom31]

[Adaline'sMama]

Im sorry, I know I dont really belong in this forum, but I have to say this sounds super sketchy to me. Honestly, why does she want to take the baby to her house for an hour? I wouldnt leave my baby with a drug addict for an hour, regardless of who they were. I know she had the baby, but if she cant give up the drugs, then she shouldnt be responsible for a baby,not even for an hour.

Here is what I would tell my sister if she wanted to watch my kid for an hour (she is on drugs, and likely prostituting for drugs):

I'm sorry, I know you love your niece, but unless you can prove to me that you are clean and sober and you have been clean and sober for several weeks I cannot even justify an unsupervised visit to myself, much less to DH or to the authorities should anything happen. You are welcome to visit her at my house, or we will meet you at IHOP.

But honestly, if my sister wanted my kid for an hour, I would think she was trying to pretend to someone like she was a single mother so she could get money or something else she wanted. In my heart I would know it had nothing to do with her wanting to see my kiddo. Because she is on drugs, almost nothing she does is honest and without some motive to get more drugs.

[erigeron]

I don't really belong in this forum either, but same answer from me. If she wants to take the baby to her house for some reason I would want to accompany the baby, for the sake of baby's safety and my own sanity. Maybe her house is fine and all is well, but if you are with baby you can leave and take baby if a problem arises.

[WifeMomChiro]

She hasn't signed TPR and the baby is 7 months?  That seems strange to me.  Are you working with a lawyer or agency?

I would not allow the birthmother to take the baby alone.  Before J's birthparents signed TPR, his brithdad asked if he could spend summers with them when he is older.  At risk of them not signing TPR, I had to be honest and tell him that was something that I would not be comfortable with.  I think it is best to be honest.

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by SundayCrepes 

Then you are in a sticky situation because it is her baby. (Unless the courts have a say in it.)

I would suggest focusing on the developmental aspect. She is at the age that she needs her familiar caregivers. It will be very hard on her if she is away from you. Offer to bring the baby to her house. It may not be best, but since it is legally HER baby, I'm not sure how you could not respect some of her wishes.

This. If she isn't having court-mandated unsupervised visits with the baby, then there is no reason to allow it. I didn't like having unsupervised visits with my parents (who are healthy, stable, and in love with DS) when DS was 7 months, just b/c he was so small and we were still bonding.

[BubblingBrooks]

Originally Posted by swd12422 



This. If she isn't having court-mandated unsupervised visits with the baby, then there is no reason to allow it. I didn't like having unsupervised visits with my parents (who are healthy, stable, and in love with DS) when DS was 7 months, just b/c he was so small and we were still bonding.

Its a private adoption, so we had to wait out the home study process. Both the state and the post office lost our finger prints for over 6 weeks, so that held things up. The lawyer is just now getting stuff started. Oh, and we are playing tag team with the bio parents getting all their personal info on the proper paperwork.
To top it off, we have to obtain permit ion from 2 Native tribes, as baby is mixed Caucasian and Native Alaskan.
 

[swd12422]

You know, I agree that legally the baby is still "hers," but obviously you don't think it's in the baby's best interests, and you are the guardian. I would still say no, and let her take you to court if she wants this one hour so badly. Sounds too fishy to me, and if something does happen, the tribe will protect her better than our government will protect you and the baby.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by swd12422 

You know, I agree that legally the baby is still "hers," but obviously you don't think it's in the baby's best interests, and you are the guardian. I would still say no, and let her take you to court if she wants this one hour so badly. Sounds too fishy to me, and if something does happen, the tribe will protect her better than our government will protect you and the baby.

Don't be naive about court. They do not always go with what is best for the baby. If the child is legally hers, that can trump everything. AND if this is a tribal baby and you are not tribe you could really run into problems. Definitely do not take the advice from anyone on a forum in this case other than the good advice of talking to your lawyer and social worker. It is your job to protect this baby, but since TPR has not been signed you are in a tricky situation.