Staying Patient

[Paigekitten]

How do I stay patient when it feels like everything is a fight? 

(DD1 doesn't have a formal diagnosis because I have not sought one out, but strategies that work for dealing with sensory issues, ODD, and ADHD are very helpful for us)

How do I see the good when the hard seems like so much?  And why is sleep SO HARD!

Anyway, I guess what I am really asking is for a reminder that it's not just our family dealing with extra intense needs.

[Linda on the move]

no, it's not just your family.

But I'm a big fan of evals and outside help. Anyone who is serious about working with your child is going to want to figure out what is going on with her. Schools will required it for accommodation.

For me, part of finding my center and attempting to stay there was admitting that I cannot do this all by myself and getting my DD a whole team to help her. And part of that was a full neuro-psychology evaluation.

[kittynurse]

It is definitely not just your family!  In fact I'm sure I have used the exact words: "WHY is everything a fight?????"  It is *really* hard to remain patient and impossible to always be patient (unless you're Mother Teresa I suppose but I'm far from saintly!)

Like Linda on the move, the key for us was to find a supportive team.  Some of the team are professionals and some are friends and family and others still are professionals who have become friends.

I can understand the desire not to seek and formal diagnosis and actually, most of our support team was built prior to having a diagnosis and would have stayed in place even without one.  For us, seeking the diagnosis was a necessary next step so we could continue to receive appropriate services in the school setting.  Also, it provided a type of validation for me that I wasn't just a crazy, overprotective bad mother.  It also gave me a chance to back off from the constant research.  I was getting really tired and stressed to the max.  It also made my life easier in a way.  I don't go shouting from the rooftops what is going on with my son but it sure was a heck of a lot easier when I met our new principal to say "he has ADHD, SPD and anxiety" rather than going through a whole list of behaviours, needs etc.

I'm not saying you definitely should seek a diagnosis but just giving the reasoning for our actions in case it helps.

Lastly, to be perfectly honest, the thing that helped me survive and continue to survive with my mental health mostly intact is taking time for myself.  I see you have little ones and another on the way so I'm sure my statement seems completely ludicrous but believe me, I was completely losing my mind before I started looking after myself.  At first, all I could manage was to lock myself in the bathroom for a soak in the tub when my DH got home but eventually I worked my way up to bigger stuff and now I can say I'm feeling much more balanced and able to handle whatever the kids want to throw at me (most days at least! We're not perfect but we're trying!)  *Nobody* can do it all themselves, especially with a child with special needs (and if they say they can they're lying and/or about to have a mental breakdown).  I am a much better parent and the kids are happier when I've had a chance to look after myself.

Good luck and please feel free to post here - the ladies are wonderful and there is a treasure trove of knowledge if that is what you need.

Martha

[Paigekitten]

Yes, DH and I went on a date Friday for the first time in 9 months.  It was so weird, the kids fell asleep in the car on the way home from the babysitters and we got inside and just looked at each other in amazement because we were actually relaxed since who knows when.

We need a support network.  I think I'm going to try to find a mother's helper to come over in the afternoons to play or something.  I don't know if it will help, but maybe having someone more energetic run around outside will help Libby.  

It's just DH and I all the time and we are exhausted.

[Piglet68]

Just wanted to chime in and say you are not alone. 

We have just gone through the autism assessment process with our son and one of the things I'm so grateful for is the team that is slowly building around us. Like you, my husband and I just went out together this past weekend for the first time in I-don't-know-when. We found a babysitter who is experienced at dealing with ADHD/autistic types and the fact that DS tried to punch her in the stomach hasn't scared her away, so we are grateful! 

I don't think I realized just how hard this has been on me and DH. I mean, you do what you have to do because it needs to be done, kwim? And then you are faced with the realization that you can't do this alone, that you need help, and suddenly you realize just how much of a burden you've been carrying. I'm feeling so very positive about things now - definitely work on that support network!