How do I deal with these emotions?
A background...I have wanted a homebirth since I was pregnant with my first. I had a CNM but developed preeclampsia and HELLP and had a c-section after failed induction. My second daughter I had another c-section because of PIH and getting worse. My 3rd daughter I planned a homebirth and went to 42 1/2 weeks with her not coming out and had to have another c-section. While in the hospital they said my labs showed preeclampsia. I got pregnant in fall 2009 and planning another homebirth when at 19 weeks the baby had no heartbeat and I was induced. I was given no answers I just thought it was something that happened. In August 2010 I was pregnant again but this baby also passed away at 16 weeks and I was again induced. I found out after that loss that I have compound heterozygous MTHFR and I am 14 weeks right now and on Lovenox 2x/day among other things.
I obviously can't have a homebirth since I'm on anticoagulants. It makes me sad but the perientologists I am seeing are good to me. One of the Drs said she would let me have a trial of labor if I make it full term because I had 2 inductions and did okay even thought I wasn't full term. I'm not sure if she meant it or was just trying to please me. Even if they allow this induction I HATE the way hospitals do things: continuous monitoring, whisking baby away from mom right away, immediate cord cutting. I will be thankful if I even get a VBAC vs another c-section but it's so hard when I have such different views of birth and have been cheated everytime out of the birth experience I have wanted. Some people don't understand, especially my family, they think I make the birth experience into too much of a big deal and I should be happy I have healthy babies(of course I am) I want this baby more than anything I just am scared because I feel births that are too medical are also not good. I know I'm high risk just need help on how to deal with the fact that I more than likely will have a 4th c-section which sucks! Having another c-section I feel is also a risk because of the risks of surgery in general, the fact that I'm on anticoagulants and risk to baby. How do I weigh in my mind which is better or safer? The only "vaginal" births I have had were to babies that weren't alive and it's heartbreaking.