counseling and custody

[rosadesal]

My ex and I have been separated for 3 years. We were never married, and have managed to keep things civil and handle our own arrangements. However, he can be incredibly hard to work with, uncooperative, unwilling to see outside his "victim" point of view, and I've reached my breaking point. He displays many of these signs: http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/DV-abuse_cycle.pdf and what gets me is that unless there is marked physical abuse, there's no way to measure or count for the emotional which isn't visible. I'm thinking about seeing a counselor through my university, and I'm wondering if we ever did go to court (for 50/50 for example, which we haven't exactly done because it makes no sense for him to keep her through a day in which I am home and he would require a sitter), would it serve as tangible evidence that he's been out of line? Like, would I be able to say that I've been in counseling to deal with the random bouts of passive/aggressive harassment? Blah. I hate this. When it's good, we're good, for the most part - we can sort of coparent (to the best of his coparenting understanding, which isn't fantastic), but when it's bad, there's no reasoning and it isn't constructive or productive.

Thanks in advance.

Also, we're in Michigan, if anyone is particularly familiar with our state's systems. I know some states still favor mothers - Michigan claims to favor 50/50 and not just err on the mom's side.

[floss&ferd]

I have no idea about Michigan.  And I'm pretty sure the state I am in doesn't always favor 50/50.  (I know my county does not.)

If you have her more than 50/50 now then I would keep really good records.  Document everything.  Phone calls, visits, disagreements, etc.  Keeping a detailed journal is always a good idea.

Emotional abuse is difficult to prove.  

[NolaRiordan]

I am in Michigan, though on the other side of the state. From my experience and others that I have talked to default is 50-50. If he wants 50% custody and has no documented history of abusing your child then in all likelihood he will get it. Really doesn't make a damn bit of difference as to what he has done to you. As my lawyer said, the court feels a man can be a schmuck as a husband / partner, but be a good dad. A lot does depend on the judge. Here in this county there is one judge who seems to give more favor to the mom, but the others don't give a rat's patootie about what the guy has done to the mother of the child. It totally sucks. When I first started investigating divorce I talked to 3 lawyers who all told me I could spend a lot of money fighting for full custody but I would not get it.

I agree with the PP about documenting everything. You just never know what's going to happen. I would particularly document how much time he spends with your child, and if he has time with her that he does not exercise. We are going back to court now over something and I have e-mail messages going back to 2006 that are coming in handy, so you just never know. Always err on the side of documentation.

Have you talked to a lawyer? It may be worth it to find someone in your county to give you a consult.

[tccandlsccmom]

I don't know about Michigan either, but there is a definite tendency to ignore the way the mother is treated and only look at the parenting, even in more "conservative" states.  Or, as my lawyer says, "he could hit you again in front of the Pope, but since he has never touched the kids and has affidavits saying he is a good dad, how he treats you is irrelevant."  I thought it might matter if the abuse happened in front of a child, but not much.  Sooooooo unfair!

Do document!  And stay strong...