exhausted & feeling defeated. need advice.

[dena62711]

Hi. I'm new to this forum. My story: I am 37 and just had my first child out of wedlock. I have three others, but was married. My x bf was in and out for the pregnancy. Sometimes he was soooo supportive but other times he was a big jerk. Well, we were together from my 6th month until she was two wks old. she is now 3 months old.

Since her third wk of life, x has been demanding to keep her at his house overnight as well as for 6 hrs a day, three times a wk. I've had an open door to him and his family, to see her whenever he wanted, within reason of course. And everything he has asked to visit her, I've allowed him to. (I've been keeping documentation of his visits.) We go to court in October. He refuses to visit her at my home anymore. He says I'm being selfish and I should let him spend time with her at his house, away from me. I feel as though she's still too little. She is three months and I've been her only caretaker since birth. He has only changed her diaper a handful of times. She is also exclusively breastfed.

I guess I'm not sure what to expect and I feel as though maybe he is right and I'm being selfish by not letting her go to his house. I'm feeling defeated bc every day, there is an email or txt telling me I'm mean, selfish, and not thinking about my baby.

I'm concerned bc he has nothing at his house for the baby. He has three roommates who have all kind of ppl in and out at all hours. He doesn't even have a diaper there.

I guess I just need advice. I'm overwhelmed. :'( thanks for listening/reading.

[maeby]

i know this is for az but i always thought this guide showed really well what parenting time plans are developmentally appropriate. 

 

http://azcourts.gov/Portals/31/ParentingTime/PPWguidelines.pdf

[MissLotus]

You stay strong - because you're right.  Don't believe his manipulation, when it is he who is being selfish and not considering the baby's needs!  He doesn't even have an appropriate place to bring the baby.  If he was concerned about the baby's well-being - not just his own "rights" - he would be more than happy to get a suitable place for the baby to visit, and be more than happy to stock up on the things a baby needs.  No, he'd like to convince you it's your fault, so that way he doesn't have to make any changes. 

If you'd be comfortable saying so, you could perhaps tell the court that when he has an appropriate place for the baby to visit, you would be willing to start visits that very gradually lead to more time with him, while he becomes acquainted with the baby's needs.  And of course point out how you've frequently offered visitation. 

It sounds like he doesn't want the hassle of going to court - so is hoping you'll cave from his constant harrassment.  Because if he really thought he'd get what he wants from the court, he'd know he doesn't have to harrass you!  No - he knows he'll have to make some changes to get what he says he wants.  Don't fall for it.  And don't acknowledge/defend/respond to the garbage in his emails.  Keep it strictly to current visitation times or info he'd need to know about the baby.  Do, before court, print out a record of the number of harrassing phone calls trying to get you to change your mind before the court date.  The court should be aware of his capability to harrass.  Don't let him get to you!

[hillymum]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this at a time you should be able to enjoy your baby. I can't offer advice, but just know there is another person thinking of you.

[dena62711]

Thanks for the support. I was feeling like maybe I was wrong. I feel so beat up. It's like a never ending battle with him. I do try to encourage time with him and baby, but unless its at his house on his terms, he wants no part of it. He is a narcissist in its truest form. If its not all about him, its not considered. He gets his "supply" from the attention that ppl give the baby. It makes his head swell and his chest puff out. What I mean by that is, he doesn't want to visit her for the right reasons. It's sick. But because I chose him, she and I have to deal with him for the next eighteen plus years.

I guess I don't ever want to share her with him. Pathetic, right? I know someday I'll have to. I just don't like it.

[dena62711]

Wow. So I offered x to visit tonight from 7-9, so he could bathe baby and read to her for night night. He then replied, "can I bring my sister and cousin too?" I said no, that it was too late in the day for visits from others, but that they were welcome to come this weekend but that I was offering him time with her, ie; just daddy time. He replied once again that I'm selfish and keeping baby from him. Wth is going on? Is he just yanking my chain or what???

[maeby]

you should have these discussions with him in writing. journal all of this. document like crazy. just in case he ever tries to pull something in court.

[PiperLime]

You are totally right, mama, and are the one doing the right thing for your babe. I've been there, in a very similar situation, and you're Doug the right thug. Keep your head up and hang in there! We're here for you

[tccandlsccmom]

I agree with the poster who is suggesting you get this in writing.  Can you do some of the discussions via email or text?  It sounds as though he is terribly selfish, but you should start to document how you are acting in the best interests of your kiddo.

Stay strong.  And try to enjoy the magic of this time!

[MissLotus]

Oh, I know the narcissist all too well, as my ex is a raging one (and of course, a literally raging one).  And they are all exactly the same.

Any boundary set - the mere fact that it IS a boundary will be the thing to set him off.  And if you do agree to something, then he'll push it a little further to see what else he can add to it.  It's a never-ending game to them, so it's best to stick to your grounds with no more explanations or apologies.  He'll see that as a crack in the door and try to push his way through it. 

You have every right to decide you don't want the world trooping through your home late at night.  You can show the court that you've offered not only visitation to him, but an alternative visitation time when his family would be welcome.  You have done enough.  Do not answer his garbage about your "selfishness", it's all blather because he's mad he didn't get his way.  Mine still does this and it's been ten years.  The only way to deal with him at all is to keep answers short as possible, and believe me I know how hard that is! 

I too staved off the narcissist and had him visit our son at my home for a loooong time after he moved out/we separated.  He complained constantly, but was too lazy to go to court about it.  Plus, he kinda liked the fact that things were unresolved, because then he could keep harrassing me about things.  But he showed no interest in actually caring for our son - doing the things a responsible parent does to make sure a child gets the food, sleep and stability he needs - it was all about the Kodak moments for ex - and he too didn't have a suitable place the first 3-4 years.  When we did finally get divorced, I made sure the visitation plan called for adding time gradually. 

If he keeps making a stink about your terms for the weeks' visits, you can just say (email! so you have proof you offered): "I'm sorry you feel that way.  ____ is the time you're welcome to come by to see the baby and ____ is the day you're welcome to bring your relatives.  If those days don't work for you this week, we'll see you next week." 

[dena62711]

The thing I failed to mention is that ALL of my correspondence has been either txt or email. And I've added an ap to my phone that records calls. Another ap that sends his txts to my email (for printing purposes.) So my bases are covered there.

Wow Mrs.lotus. it sounds like we are talking about the same man.

So out of nowhere today, he emails: gonna try to see her Sunday. Sunday has never been on the table. So I guess bc he set the terms, I should just be expected to agree with him.

I definitely need to learn to keep things short. I'm probably wrong in that. sometimes he makes it too easy to tell him what's on my mind.

Ty all, again for the encouragement and support. It's exactly what I needed.

[Goodmom2008]

What state are you in?  That's going to make all the difference in the likely outcome. 

In my state, there would be no overnights until around 12-24 months.  But he would be able to take her out for a few hours.  Without you.  And that is something that you do need to get used to.  Pump some breastmilk to send with your baby and have written directions on how to thaw/heat it up. 

There is at least one state that I know of where, once paternity is established, the time split will be 50/50.  Doesn't matter if you are exclusively bfing or not (I don't agree with this, but I am not the one who writes the laws in this state), if the father asks for 50/50 physical, he's going to get it unless you can show that he's a danger to the baby. 

You really should consult with an attorney in your area as s/he will have a better idea of what you can expect.

[dena62711]

I'm in Connecticut. I am ok with visits, but gradually leading up to overnights.

Ok, so through all of the nonsense ...he decided to see her at my house today. We previously agreed on 12-2:30. He got here on time, stayed til 3:30, was really good with her, until he wasn't...I mean that 25 mins into the visit, he was plopping her in my lap; saying, and I quote, "she needs her Momma. How am I supposed to have her at my place when she is so attached to you?" Ummm, idk!? That's been my point the entire time!!!

So after today, I'm gonna lean towards, this is all a big game for him.


Idk but I guess I'll keep trucking along, doing what I do....and wait for court.