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My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly with no explanation

post #1 of 34
Thread Starter 

My 56 year old incredibly healthy mother died yesterday.  She was not overweight, she did not smoke, drink, or use drugs. She exercised every day.  She did have asthma, but she has managed it her whole life.  Yesterday my stepfather found her on her bedroom floor.  By the time the paramedics arrived she was gone.  She was gone when my stepfather found her. There is no explanation for what happened. I have a 17 month old daughter and I am 32 years old. I fought really hard to have the medical examiner do an autopsy because I need an explanation for how this could happen.  After about 40 phone calls, they finally agreed. Initially, they said that since she was over 50 and had asthma that they were not going to do any type of examination.  I need to know for my health and my child's health what caused this, but in truth, it does not matter. My best friend, my sweet, generous, amazing mother is gone for no reason. I am in shock and my heart is utterly and completely broken.  How do people ever get over this amount of pain? I cannot believe that my child won't ever know her grandmother. I keep thinking this is not real. When I get close to the reality I feel like I am going to vomit. 

post #2 of 34

I just wanted to tell you that I am so very sorry.  My mom is still here thank goodness but I lost my dad when I was 17.  Pm me anytime.

post #3 of 34
I'm so sorry. I know that nothing people say can take the pain away, but just know that people are thinking of you. I hope you get the answers you need and it makes the healing process a little easier for you. hug.gif
post #4 of 34

So sorry for your loss

 

:hug:

post #5 of 34
hug.gif

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain you are going through.
post #6 of 34

I am so sorry. greensad.gif

 

My mom died at the age of 52 after a long battle with cancer. It is not easy to lose a mom, no matter what age you are or how she goes. But I think the sudden nature of your mom's death is really hard. Good for you for pushing for an autopsy. Better understanding of what happened will be an important part of integrating this new reality into your life.

 

Be kind to yourself. It is hard to face such a sudden loss of someone so dear to you. My heart breaks for you & your LO that a grandmother is lost...and I totally relate. Every day I wish my mom were here to enjoy my DD.

 

Do you have a support network that you can tap into to help you cope? A spiritual community, a therapist, a close network of friends, siblings that you trust? As reality sinks in, you have some rough days ahead of you. Please don't face them alone. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

grouphug.gif

post #7 of 34

I'm so sorry for your loss.

post #8 of 34
Thread Starter 

Thank you for your replies.  I actually have a really supportive group of wonderful friends that I am SO SO SO thankful for right now.  Things still haven't really sunken in yet.  Sometimes it feels real then it flits away again and it seems like it is happening to someone else and that I am not the one who lost their mom. When reality gets too close I want to run away and throw up. We took care of the funeral arrangements today and then I had a massive fight with my stepfather whom I have not seen or spoken to in 7 years because he was abusive when I was a teenager and then fell back into his pattern when I was an adult and I had to set boundaries. Doing better now, but I am so sick over this I don't know how it will ever get better.

post #9 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4-4-10 View Post

Thank you for your replies.  I actually have a really supportive group of wonderful friends that I am SO SO SO thankful for right now.  Things still haven't really sunken in yet.  Sometimes it feels real then it flits away again and it seems like it is happening to someone else and that I am not the one who lost their mom. When reality gets too close I want to run away and throw up. We took care of the funeral arrangements today and then I had a massive fight with my stepfather whom I have not seen or spoken to in 7 years because he was abusive when I was a teenager and then fell back into his pattern when I was an adult and I had to set boundaries. Doing better now, but I am so sick over this I don't know how it will ever get better.


Friends of ours experienced a similar loss, the wife (young, healthly) passed away while the kids were at school.  The husband says he is experiencing short-term memory loss and at times, feels like he is functioning in some sort of alternative life where his wife is still alive. 

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  My dad passed away in January and I lurk here from time to time.
 

 

post #10 of 34

hug2.gif I am so sorry for your loss.

post #11 of 34

I am so sorry for your loss. My beloved mother-in-law died the same way earlier this summer. She simply fell over dead in her front yard and the autopsy provided no answers. We will never know why she died, and like you said, it almost doesn't matter. She's gone and we miss her like crazy and no answer would take away the pain of her absence. She was the backbone of our family, in all the best ways. We are coping, we are managing, we are moving forward. But we miss her. So very much.

 

I can relate to that feeling of pretending that it isn't true, and pushing away the reality when it comes too close. 

 

It's just a very sorrowful time, and will continue to be.

post #12 of 34

I feel  your pain. I also lost my mother and it's nothing like csi or some medical show whatever. They only do autopsy if there is blatant evidence of foul play else wise they don't care. I would have had to pay for the autopsy which was over a grand and I knew I didn't have a dime. Her stupid disgusting doctor wrote she died of being fat basically. uh HOW insulting. It makes me ILL to know that is on her death certificate. promise you he never checked her out once. He said Since she was fat she had fatty liver disease and that's why she died suddenly for no reason? She was warm and went to sit out in the front yard where it was cool and just died for NO reason at all. Yes she did have a HEREDITARY liver disease. She never smoked nor drank. Wouldn't even take advil since it can harm the liver and she never did again after dx. While she was chubby she was by no means obese. She had been the same weight for 40 years under 200. Her last liver biopsy was awesome and looked great. She did NOT die from being overweight nor from her liver. That jerk just wrote a whatever explanation. he didn't give a rat's behind about her. I became pregnant a month later. I will never have that motherly advice.. she will never meet my child. I have no one to talk to now when I am at my wit's end like now. I have no real help. I need my mom more than I need air. I was also 32 at the time. It's been over 2 years and it hurts just as bad as it ever did. I don't think you ever get over something like this.. especially when you need someone so bad. And then people try to commiserate.. my aunt whined she lost her mom too. uh your mom died at 95.. your kids were 50. NO you have NO fcking idea what it's like to be me. your mom's GREAT grandkids are now pregnant. So yes she will miss out on her great great grandkids and that's tragic but nothing compared to how I feel.


Edited by babygirlie - 10/5/11 at 11:25am
post #13 of 34

How are you doing, OP? Just checking in to see.

post #14 of 34
Thread Starter 

I'm ok.  My family flew in from all over the whole country and stayed here with me until Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.  It was VERY hard to see them all leave because it felt like they were all going back to their normal lives, while I never will again. It was also VERY hard to watch my aunt and her daughters together because I just cannot believe that I won't ever be able to just BE with my mom ever again.  My brother is here but he is leaving tonight or tomorrow to return to his life.  My mind is doing weird things that I have no control over like coming up with alternative explanations for why my mother isn't here - like she went for a trip around the world, or she retired to Mexico, or was abducted by aliens.  Every night I go to sleep hoping that it is all a dream and that when I wake up in the morning, it is last week again and none of this ever happened. Sometimes it feels like it all happened to another person and I am just helping my friend through a hard time.  It seems to be better during the day but by the time night rolls around I feel my insides twist and I struggle just to hold myself together and not run around breaking things and screaming like a crazy person.  Everything I see and hear makes me think of her, things she liked, things we did together.  Things I won't ever be able to do with her again. 

 

So yea. I'm ok, but I have a very long road ahead of me.  I will probably seek out some professional grief counseling and/or an individual therapist this week or next.  Thank you for your replies.  

 

Oh, and no word from the medical examiner yet. 

post #15 of 34
I am so very sorry. I too lost my mother at theage of 47 to a long fight with cancer. I was 26 when she passed. It was so very hard and still is at times. As hard as it was watching her slowlynlose her life, I'm thankful I had time to prepare myself on some level. I can't imagin your situation...

I remember some telling me it would get easier with time and back then I wanted ton punch them in the face. Now I understand what they meant... It will never be easy but in time you will learn to live your life with the cloud of grief on your shoulders a bit better but, it will never go away.

I'm thin inking of you and will remember you in my prayers, if that is ok.
post #16 of 34

I'm so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. greensad.gif

post #17 of 34

Thank you for checking in with us.

 

Yes, nights are really hard. I remember that from after my mom's death. During the day there are chores and tasks that carry you along and pull you through. But when that's done...nights are hard.

 

The only time I ever took medications to help me sleep were in the months following my mom's death. My partner & I separated for awhile during that period, so there were many things going on. But I really needed to know that I could turn my brain off through sleep, and I needed help with that. Valerien worked well for me, but you have to be careful with it because it can be harmful to use it for awhile and then suddenly stop using it.

 

I just want to send you more hugs, mama. What you are dealing with is so very hard. hug2.gif

post #18 of 34
I just wanted to say I am so sorry. My mother passed away very suddenly, with absolutely no warning, 4 years ago at age 55. She had asthma, also, but hadn't ever known because it hadn't given her any trouble.

Anyway, I just couldn't read this and not post...I know what it's like to lose a mom. It still affects me every day. I'm not going to say it gets easier, but it does get easier to handle the sad times. I hope you have a lot of love and support around you right now. *hugs*
post #19 of 34

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Losing a parent hurts so badly.  How are you doing?  

post #20 of 34

so sorry for your loss!! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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