Do siblings need a break from each other?

[briansmama]

I've always wanted to hs, even before we had our dc. I've read Hold On to Your Kids, I've talked with hs'ers with older kids, I know that families who are together a lot often work out a good rhythm of being together and I do not believe that sending kids to school cuts down on sibling rivalry.

However, I now have 2 boys ages 4.5 and almost 8. They do get a long great at times, but they fight horribly. My youngest is showing ever more signs of aggression, frustration, and anger. I think a lot of it comes from trying desperately to keep up with his older brother. And my oldest gets irritated with my youngest and sometimes hurts him, though usually after the youngest has attacked him first.

I have read everything by Naomi aldort, I practice gentle discipline, we have a solid rhythm and structure to our days. Bo boys are in activities, though when the oldest has football practice the youngest goes too. They both take gymnastics, though are in different classes, but go at the same time. Both are in a mixed-age language class. We go to a hs park day 1x per week and I usually have to bring the youngest home first for being aggressive with another child while another mom offers to have my oldest stay and play.

My oldest has a lot of neighborhood friends. The youngest tags along and has no interest in hanging with me or even with playing with another child his age if I have set up a playdate for him. He only wants to be with my oldest and his friends. He gets extremely jealous when my oldest is occupied with another kid and my youngest is not included.

How do you give your kids a break from one another? Or is it really as necessary as others who send their kids to school tell me it is? Am I worrying over something that is totally normal? I'm just starting to worry here. I also posted yesterday in the parenting forum because my in-laws said some really not nice things about my youngest, who was showing aggressive behavior on our last visit (in his defense he was exhausted and on significantly less sleep than he needs for 6 days straight and we had to share a home with family members and 3 other 8 yr olds thatnhe was struggling to keep up with).

Thanks for any advice, experience, thoughts of btdt.

[mamaupupup]

Hi there,

First, I think you're doing great on so many fronts:  rhythm, gentle discipline, recognizing behaviors, +++.  Second, from my perspective, I think this is all very normal.  I do think you're right to also "double check your thinking" to make sure you are on top of your parenting game!  You're clearly an awesome Mom!

I struggle with similar issues:  I have (almost) 5 yr old twins who rarely get time apart.  I think if I were 5 and didn't have 30+ years of experience and practice dealing with others, I'd probably lash out at my sibliing as well fairly frequently.  (In fact, I have one friend who said, "I don't even like being around my own self 24x7!").  And, one of my kids can be rude/aggressive/nasty/disrespectful, etc.  My Mother has been direct/blunt/etc. with me especially about the disrespectful behavior.  To top it all off, I have siblings who are twins and my Mom to this day believes they did not get enough time apart.  So, I can empathize with your situation.  Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of "answers."
 

Here are a few things to consider which help us: 

- My child with strains of aggressive behavior had a tooth abcess which made her behavior worse.  So, for me, when her behavior is just plain aweful I try to make sure I've covered the medical and dental bases.

- Neither of my children behave well when they have much sugar in their systems.  We've tried to avoid refined sugar as much as possible.  We do LOTS of sliced fresh fruits and veggies.  (And, yes, I feel like I spend a LOT of time in the kitchen).  Reduced sugar and lots of snacking helps both of them get along. 

- If I notice that the kids are playing separately I try not to disturb them.  I try to let them have as much "natural" or "self-chosen" alone time as possible.

- We do an hour of "quiet time/reading time" a day.  I try to have them be in separate spaces for that. 

- I try to have a day a week where we don't even get in the car...and that I don't allow myself to do much else other than "be there" for the kids.  This has helped them both be calmer people.  I feel like, even as homeschoolers, we get overscheduled! 

I wish I could offer more!  Would love to hear from others on how they navigate these waters too!

[SweetSilver]

My girls are a bit closer in age (6.5 and nearly 5) and are best friends and all that goes with that.  They fight daily.  But they play daily as well.  I have a few rules about fighting that I will enforce (no name calling, hitting, etc) but they pretty much tune me out when they scream and cry at each other.  Though I offer advice they usually figure something out on their own.  My oldest is becoming better at finding solutions for the both of them.  (......sometimes.......)

my answer is "yes" and "no".  I don't go out of my way to separate the two.  I will see if one of them wants to go to the store etc. When dh is home and we have a choice.  So I get little chunks of time with them individually.  They have different gym classes.  DD2 seems to have an easier time making friends.  She just slides on into the group like she belongs, even if she's never met them.  DD1 used to be the opposite, so it was nice to give her some time away.

If it weren't for the behavioral issues, I'd say don't sweat this, but you might need some extra away time for your youngest.  Bedtime, gotta go!  Good luck!

[SundayCrepes]

Have you asked your oldest if he'd like time away from his little brother? If so, that seems like a reasonable request. I love my children dearly and like spending time with them, but sometimes I need some away time. Why wouldn't it be the same for kids?

[CD'sMom]

I think its good for siblings to get away from eachother occationally. I will take one kid to with me to the store or where ever and then the other one another time. My parents are also very involved and one kid will spend the night at their house then the other will spend the night the next time.

[briansmama]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond!

Mamaupupup- you are awesome, thanks for the very kind words, I needed them today! And we have so much in common, it seems. I too make everything from scratch around here and we focus on a paleo diet, as my boys do not do well with either gluten or casein, so we've all been off that for years. Crazy you mentioned the tooth abcess as ds2 bashed his mouth in the night while we were on vacation and had to go to the dentist, and right before that he had a strange boil on his foot that had to be lanced. No wonder he's been so out of sorts the last week and a half! You really helped me by outlining how you work to keep everyone feeling their best and thus calm- instead of more activities scheduled apart I could focus on more downtime and follow their lead. My youngest does tend to get overwhelmed when we are in the car a lot. I used to be so careful about overscheduling but now I'm trying to meet ds1 need for more social time. I could balance this better by making sure we have 1 day of downtime. Oh how I wish we lived near each other! I would love to hang with you :)

And Sunday Crepes, great idea. I have not asked my oldest directly if he would like more time away from his brother. I just assumed since he often asks me to intervene when ds2 is disrupting his playtime with his friend.

Cd's mom and SweetSilver, thanks for the perspective. Today ds1 was invited to an older friend's home so I planned a special lunch with Daddy for my youngest, who at first was thrilled but then quickly became very upset when he realized he would not be playing with his big bro and his friend too. 

[mamaupupup]

:) Glad to be helpful!  And, if we lived near each other, that'd be another scheduled event and less downtime!  LOL :)!!!

I realized I failed to mention the great outdoors!!!  Maybe it's because we get outside so much of the time.  Anyhow, I find that all of us do better in a totally unstructured outdoor environment.  We camp a LOT and during the week I try to get us on a trail or to the beach or similar so the kids and I can just relax and be in nature.  I sometimes wonder if my more sensitive child is allergic to the house...she does way better outside (Note:  she almost always complains before going outside or anywhere...except camping).  There are two great books on the topic of kids and the outdoors:  Last Child in the Woods which basically says "get outside" and describes lots of kids and behavioral issues and the benefits of connecting with nature and the second book is Coyote Guide to Connecting with Nature  which has actual hands-on (and hands-off) activities.  The second has lots of PNW resources listed too!

And...funny you should mention gluten/casein...we are gluten loading at the moment to test for celiac disease (there is a genetic connection in our family...).  My more easy-going child doesn't do well on gluten (itchy, joint pain).  I am having both kids tested...and wondering if my more particular child will actually need to be/be better of GF/CF! 

Finally, if you ever need comfort on the in-law front, I totally lost it with my in-laws 18 months ago.  I'd say my outburst was from three years of pent-up annoyances and comments ("You know, you don't HAVE to breastfeed" etc. etc.).  I subsequently decided to invest my time and effort in people whose thinking was more in line with my own.  I pretty much have delegated my in-laws back to my DH.  I have felt much calmer and better about it all.  Meanwhile, my own mother is full of plenty of comments like "you children were never ever so disrespectful..." and somehow I can stomach all that a bit better.  When I'm at my best, I let my Mom say everything she needs to say and I say a lot of, "I can see what you mean" comments.  I do appreciate my Mom's insights at times because I feel like I get myopic with my own children.  All that said, I think we're raising a generation of children much much differently than the generations before--and few grandparents understand our "new" approach. 

Okie doke, you're on top of it all!  Have a great night and get outside tomorrow ;)