How do I get ds to wipe himself?

[muldey]

Ds is 10,and has Asperger's.He has never wiped himself after using the potty.I've been trying since he was out of diapers,at 5.He is also a holder,and waits until he absolutley has to go.So,his poops are huge.He also messes his underwear often(I can't even count how many pairs I have had to throw away,the ones I've been able to salvage are all stained).It's not a whole poop,just enough to ruin his underwear.I buy the flushable wipes since he hates the feel of toilet paper,but he still won't do it himself.I'm at my wits end with this.Any ideas?I know he is afraid to get poop on his hands,but I've explained if that happens it's no big deal,that's what the hand soap is for.

He also doesn't do much other self care.He will not blow his nose,or even wipe it.If I ask him to,he will occasionaly wipe it on his shirt(ewww).He also will not wash his face when he gets food on it,which is often,he's still a very messy eater.Only recently has he started showering on his own,it used to be baths and I'd have to help him,mostly with his hair.I bought him one of those body wash poofs,and Dove for men sensitive skin body wash.That helped a lot.He still can't dry himself well,so I have to help with that,and help him dress sometimes.If the clothes are really loose fitting,he can do it.He only wears pull on pants and tshirts.He also can't put his socks on.I've shown him many times how to do it,where you scrunch up the sock,pull it over the toes,and then the rest of the way up.He will put his shoes on,he likes them a little big and only with velcro(hard to find in a men's 7!),or crocs,but he can't wear those to school.He also will not brush his own teeth.If he does,he takes literally 5 seconds and says he's done.I've tried standing there and directing him,but that turns into him screaming that he can't do it,or just flat out refusing.I bought some of that agent blue stuff,that turns his teeth blue where he needs to brush well,and we'll see how that works out.I'm sure some of it is sensory issues.

How can I help him?He needs to do this on his own.I know it's embarressing for him.Dd's best friend's brother slept over a few times(he's about 5 months younger than ds) and ds refused to even go while he was here.

I'm also trying to work with him on cleaning up his messes,currently you can not tell there is a floor in his room lol.I'm going to do it this last time,and sell or give away all the toys he doesn't play with,so he's not so overwelmed.I also want him to sleep in his own bed,instead of the couch.He doesn't like to be alone in a room to sleep,and my room is half of the living room right now.He's not going to like it when I move my room upstairs next weekend,after the attic is cleaned out.Mama needs her own space lol!

Any advice would be wonderful!I'm willing to try almost anything at this point.Thanks so much for reading!

[Roar]

Absolutely this stuff needs to be dealt with. As he gets older it will be increasingly problematic if you don't address some of this now. As with all things in life I'd suggest setting small, attainable goals and celebrating as he reaches each new milestone. A few specific ideas:

I'm wondering about giving him the option of wearing disposable gloves in the bathroom. It is a hassle but maybe a transition step.

For teethbrushing use a timer or get a toothbrush like a Sonic care that has a built in timer that tells him how long to brush.

For the socks: has he had occupational or physical therapy? This sounds like a good OT goal.

What sorts of therapies is he getting for his Asperger's? Does he work with any kind of behavioral specialist or psychologist?

[RiverTam]

We've had this problem, but have it less and less. His dad demonstrated how to wipe in a pants-down-here's-how-you-do-it demonstration. I was concerned that just saying "Wipe your butt!" wasn't meaningful to DS.  Part of the problem with DS was that he didn't get enough toilet paper. He would just take one or two squares. Once his dad showed him, he started getting a bigger wad of toilet paper and that helped.

We also started making DS responsible for cleaning up his own messes. It wasn't a punishment; it was just a natural consequence. He was responsible for washing his own underwear.

We also gave him a piece of candy every time he remembered to wipe and reported it to us.

The gloves are a good idea. I'd also think about getting a bidet and installing it.

[FarmerBeth]

Yes to the disposable gloves!  And yes to maybe getting OT to handle socks, etc.  You could try a visual chart for what to do when dressing, maybe even pics as to how to put on socks.  We used to have trouble with the wiping up the face.  We made it a consistent rule after every meal to wipe up, rather than leaving it up to him.  Same with cleaning up after himself.  Every time he takes something out to play, or to do homework, he puts it back.  I'm not super organized, so the consistency was hard, but it helped.  Maybe a different washing surface for wiping the face would help, too, like disposable wipes or a flannel instead of terry cloth.  Things that helped with shoes were having shoe outlines for the floor for putting shoes on the right feet and learning easier tying methods.  Right now he can do bunny ears, but OT actually also showed him to pull the laces tight and tuck into the sides of shoes when he is too rushed or frustrated for tying.  The elastic type laces are also good for being stretchy and capable of being tied in a double not and left that way with the foot slipped in.

[muldey]

Roar-The disposable gloves are a great idea!I never would have thought of that.I'll also look into a timer for the toothbrushing,I'm sure they're not expensive,that would help with both dd and ds.He does get OT at school,I'll send in a note on Tuesday when he goes back,he has the rest of testing(we're redoing all of the developmental testing he had when he was 6,since some issues have become worse,some a little better) on Monday.I'm hoping to get some referrals from the results of that,hopefully something close to home,as we're traveling 45 minutes each way to see this psycologist.In RI that's far lol!Other end of the state! 

RiverTam-Ds's dad isn't in his life right now,maybe I could show him how to do it.I'm a little uncomfortable with that lol,but if it works I'll try it!He also does the too little toilet paper thing when he's willing to try paper,and he'll just wipe the outside of his bum crack,and I've tried to explain you have to wipe inside it to get clean.I'll have to figure out some sort of reward for when he wipes.He's overweight so I don't want to use candy,maybe we can do stickers and with so many stickers he gets a prize?That might work,I'll look into a bidet as well.I should also have him put his underwear in the washer when he has a mess.It might be a pain going downstairs to the washer,but maybe that will motivate him some.

FarmerBeth-I'll ask his OT if she can make a chart for him,I'm sure she will.I'm also not very organized,but I really need to keep on him about wiping his face,washing his hands,and putting toys and things away.Especially right now,I'm trying to purge our apartment so we won't be so overwelmed,we even have 1800gotjunk coming since I can't lift and carry the stuff out of my attic.I've been having health issues,some days its hard to even get out of bed,so keeping on him and even dd is tough.He does prefer baby wipes to wash his face,so I always have some on hand.He thinks terry cloth is too rough.He can't even do the bunny ears thing with laces,so I'll ask his OT to work on that as well.He's good at figuring out which foot,so that helps.

Thanks so much everyone! :)

[RiverTam]

It's completely embarrassing, but it really did help DS. He has/had a hard time with receptive language and it didn't matter how many times we told him what to do, he needed to see someone else demonstrate the skill. 

My husband rocks. He has a ton of embarrassment around bathroom stuff normally, and he did the show-and-tell anyway because DS needed it. Warrior Dad, FTW!
 

Originally Posted by muldey 

RiverTam-Ds's dad isn't in his life right now,maybe I could show him how to do it.I'm a little uncomfortable with that lol,but if it works I'll try it!He also does the too little toilet paper thing when he's willing to try paper,and he'll just wipe the outside of his bum crack,and I've tried to explain you have to wipe inside it to get clean.I'll have to figure out some sort of reward for when he wipes.He's overweight so I don't want to use candy,maybe we can do stickers and with so many stickers he gets a prize?That might work,I'll look into a bidet as well.I should also have him put his underwear in the washer when he has a mess.It might be a pain going downstairs to the washer,but maybe that will motivate him some.

[Roar]

Originally Posted by RiverTam 

My husband rocks. He has a ton of embarrassment around bathroom stuff normally, and he did the show-and-tell anyway because DS needed it. Warrior Dad, FTW!
 

Wow. He might actually be the guy who deserves The World's Greatest Dad coffee mug!

Muldey - one thing I was thinking is that it might make sense right now to try to tackle the stuff that will cause the most embarrassment later if you don't deal with it now. Shoe tying - sure you want your ten year old to be able to tie, but you can on some level just as well teach that skill at 12. Anything related to toilet stuff, showering, etc. is better taught now. There will come a time when he's even less willing to engage with you about this stuff than he is now and that time may be coming sooner than you think.

[LynnS6]

My son was younger, but has SPD, so he too was afraid of getting poop on his hands. I think the disposable gloves are great. In addition, I broke down the steps into manageable parts, with a reward (a bus ride - the child was obsessed with buses at the time) at the end of each week:

Week 1: I wipe for him, he wipes after me to practice. Stickers on 6 of 7 days = reward

Week 2: I wipe, he wipes and we alternate like that until he was clean. 6 of 7 days = reward.

Week 3: He wipes, I check and do a little if necessary. 6 of 7 days = reward.

Week 4: He wipes all on his own. 6 of 7 days gets the mega reward -- a ride on the longest bus line in town.

We rode a lot of buses that month!

So, if you don't want to do candy, would he respond to stickers or does he need a more immediate reward? What's his passion? If it's legos, for example, you could buy a lego kit he wants and give him parts every day if he needs an immediate reward, or at the end of a few days if he doesn't.

Has he been checked for encoperesis?