Intervening when a family member doesn't GD

[ihugtrees]

First of all, I am by NO MEANS a gentle discipline expert. When I'm exhausted or sick or hungry or hot, I tend to snap right back into threatening, mean authoritarian parent. BUT I'm really trying to change and have already really turned my thinking around. In 5 weeks, I will be moving back to my home state, where my entire extended family (grandparents, aunts, cousins, but primarily my parents) will be helping me care for my child while I finish my AA (about a year from now.) This is my only option to finish school so I am going to take it. However, none of them know much about gentle discipline or treating a child with respect. Things that regularly happen with other small children in my family: yelling, time out, spanking, threatening, very mean words, forcing a child to hug/kiss, tickling them endlessly without their permission, throwing them in the air or onto a soft surface without their permission, chasing without their permission, excessive punishments and rewards, shame tactics, jumping out and scaring them...etc. Right now my parents, particularly, (who we will be living with for the first 6-8 weeks, and who will thereafter be watching my daughter at least 2 full days a week) are on the opposite end of the spectrum because their grandaughter is 3,000 miles away...over Skype, they gush and laugh at everything she does (even not okay things, such as screaming loudly for no reason or banging on the computer keyboard) and overload her with praise (which they also did with me when I was little, along with all of the above!) I am figuring that after we all settle in there, this will tone down a bit (I hope any way, because THAT isn't what I want either!)  The thing is, I have NO IDEA how to firmly but lovingly put boundaries down with my family. They are helping me so much, for free, and they truly love us and want the best for us. So what I need is actual phrases I can use that are as un-offensive as possible, to get my family to stop if they're doing something that isn't okay. I don't want to appear ungrateful for all they are doing, or like a know-it-all...it is hard to tell them what they are doing is wrong when it is exactly how they raised me!

Also, if anyone has a crash course in gentle discipline (GD101 or GD for Dummies?!!) somewhere online or even in a (short) book for my parents and I to read to help us out, that'd be great.

[Psmythe]

Wow.  That's hard.  I've been trying to come up with a way to communicate with my parents about some of the same issues, but we aren't about to be in such an intense situation!  We get a lot of eye-rolling and 'well we did it with you and it worked' sort of attitude from my folks.  They have changed their tactics quite a bit in trying to help my brother raise his special needs son, but not quite enough to suit me.  They're CIO sorts and we just aren't at all on the same page about sleep issues and taking ques from our son.  They didn't understand breastfeeding on demand AT ALL, and have been encouraging us to wean from well before the one year mark.  It's been really frustrating.  They are great with him while we're all together, and I rarely leave our son in their care, so it's a treat for them when he's around without us and I'm sure they are great with him.  I'm also just as sure that if they were providing him with any sort of regular day-care we would butt heads quickly.

Part of the problem is my Dad thinks he's just being funny when he does some of the things I find objectionable.  He likes to startle my son and then complains that my son is afraid of things.  His default child-care technique is to rock my son to sleep, even if he's only been up from his nap for a short time, or if we're trying to get ready to go someplace.  It's really annoying.  Then he complains that my son doesn't sleep on a proper schedule.  I might as well just bang my head against a wall as try and reason with him.  Mom is a lot better, but immediately takes any reference to how I'd like my son raised as a critique of her parenting.  She reacts with lots of condescending comments about how she's raised two kids and a grandson and we're just starting out.

In short--I'm in the same boat, without the pressure of relying on them, or feeling like I owe them for helping me out.  If anyone has advice for you I'm totally borrowing it!  Goodluck!

[caenach]

Wow! That sounds like a tough situation. I think I'd be in the same boat if I ever had to depend on my extended family for childcare. Just the limited contact we have has been difficult enough....I obviously want what's best for DD and I believe that GD principles are in her best interests. But there are some sacrifices to be made, especially when these family members are providing so much day to day care and interaction.

I think maybe you just need to sort of establish what your sliding-scale-of-acceptability looks like.

For me, hitting, screaming, berating, pinching, spanking, slapping, name-calling, shaming, belittling, "punish" as a verb = No Go. I'm serious. You will not hit, strike, or scream at my child. Ever. E.V.E.R. I've clearly communicated this to my family, up front, devoid of recrimination about how "I" was raised. "This is how we are going to parent DD. We will not be doing X. We believe in gentle discipline for DD. When we leave DD with you, we will ask you to follow this practice as well. If you are having a hard time with DD and are struggling with this rule, please call me at work right away. I will come home immediately, no questions asked."

Other things that are important to me, like limiting television/electronics, eating healthy foods, spending lots of time outdoors, nurturing creativity and gentleness, etc....I share my philosophy, I will follow these on my own time, but I will, within reason, understand that DD is not going to lose any of her awesomeness because she watched a movie with Grandma or ate an ice cream bar with Uncle Joe. I guess I think that DD should get to experience those relationships for herself--they should be built between her and her extended family, and that means that they'll develop their own memories, traditions, jokes, customs, and will have their own hard moments.

I didn't give anyone a reading list or anything like that. And they've never asked, although I've been free with information about what we're reading. I talk with them openly whenever possible about the decisions we are making, how we are struggling with finding the right way to parent, why we're making the decisions we make. My parents do not always agree with me. They will often insist that they believe children are "better off" with the discipline methods that they used on my sisters and I. They like to bemoan the state of "today's children" who have no boundaries, no respect, no responsibilities, blah, blah. However, they've never crossed the boundaries I've set. I don't think I'd be willing to rely on either of them for extended childcare, however.

[TigerMama09]

OP - I currently live with my parents due to my financial situation.  Been here two years in December - boy, the time flies!!

I set up very similar rules to caenach - things that were completely unacceptable, and things that I've had to learn to sigh and let go of.  You have to decide which things are important enough to stand your ground over, and possibly strain your relationship with your family.

I butt heads with my dad the most.  He's a very harsh disciplinarian of the "children should be seen and not heard" camp.  He's never spanked DD, but he has sure threatened to, and he used to yell at her for every toe stepped out of line.  For a while, I though I may have to move out and sleep on someone's couch!  We fought several times a week at first, and he's slowly learned to tone it down.  I try not to leave her alone with him, and I still have to fuss at him sometimes, but it has gotten better through communication and consistent boundaries.

~Melissa~

Single Mama to Miss Priss (3 y/o)