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Feeling really confused...

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 

So...I have been separated for 6 months and my DD is 10.5 mths.  The separation was pretty intense and negative until very recently...As things calm down my ex and I are starting to get along more and he is finally taking responsibility for his actions to what led to the breakup (as am I).  Now, I am signing the separation agreement today and moving out of our house tomorrow (we sold it) and am wondering if we made the right decision...if we should go to counselling (but stay separated for now) and try and see if we can work on our marriage.  He had a new GF 4 weeks after we separated, and he has been telling me he jumped into it way too fast and misses me etc and has dreams all the time about losing his family (me and DD).  I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think.  We separated when DD was only 5 months and had so many problems for the first 5 months of her life and I was basically a single mother and had no energy to try and work on things (and he totally disconnected).  Are these feelings surfacing just because we are getting along now?  Or because things are being finalized with the agreement and sale of the house - so final?  I feel like I am going crazy because I've been saying I would never ever get back together with him...but as the anger washes away and I see him as a human being I feel so much empathy for him etc....

post #2 of 13

This is so tough. I think this is something where you have to trust your gut. I think if you really feel in your heart that there's a chance to work things out you should give it another try. I know I could not walk away until I was satisfied that I had tried everything in my power. On the other hand a lot of people get really scared once they get close to having things final and are tempted to get back together just because the finality of it and how your life will change is so scarey. If you do decide to try to reconcile I think you need to think long and hard and come up with a plan for resolving the problems. Otherwise it is too tempting to fall back into old patterns.

post #3 of 13

My advice would be what led to the breakup on both sides and what has been done on both sides to overcome those problems? If both of you have made no attempts on your own to fix these problems they will not get better going back into a relationship. Both of you have to be motivated to improve on your own. It can't be external.

 

If someone doesn't want to do the work to improve in that area and has made steps on their own to do that, then I say leave it alone.

post #4 of 13

Also it's possible going for councelling will nullify the separation... check the laws where you live.

post #5 of 13
Thread Starter 

I think it was just all sentiments of having everything finalized...he started making really inappropriate comments to me (he has a GF...basically saying he would cheat on her with me)...and it has reminded me of the issues I had with him when we were together.  On top of all of that, he is taking his GF to OUR house to help him pack and move...which I am very upset about and feel is disrespectful because that is my home and I gave birth to DD there...and he doesn't care....

post #6 of 13

Emotions suck sometimes....I am in the custody battle from hell, was in a horrid relationship for too many years, was the one to leave....and yet there are moments that I wonder.  

 

My recommendation?  If the feelings come back, give yourself time and talk it through with someone(s) who you trust to be honest and help you be strong (whichever way that turns out to be...)

post #7 of 13
Thread Starter 

Is it wrong of me to want my ex's new GF to know he cheated on her?  I realize it isn't my job to tell her he is doing the same thing to her that he did to me...but it just makes me SO angry that he thinks he can "get away with it" just because now he says he will never make the same mistake again....ugh....it's vengeful probably...it just REALLY bothers me.

post #8 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoemily View Post

Is it wrong of me to want my ex's new GF to know he cheated on her?  I realize it isn't my job to tell her he is doing the same thing to her that he did to me...but it just makes me SO angry that he thinks he can "get away with it" just because now he says he will never make the same mistake again....ugh....it's vengeful probably...it just REALLY bothers me.



I can understand the feeling of wanting to tell her, but you. can. not. tell. her. She will think you are bitter and jealous and it will make things very difficult with your ex. Their relationship is none of your business. Your DD is the only tie you have to him now. I know it sucks a lot but it is better to try to pretend he doesn't exist. Limit all contact with him unless it has something to do with your DD and then make sure you email or text him whatever you need to.

 

post #9 of 13
I have wanted to tell my ex's wife so many things.... it is hard.
post #10 of 13
Thread Starter 

You're right...it would make my interactions with him worse...it is so hard to know another woman is being disrespected and she thinks he is a knight in shining armour.  I suppose if she is meant to find out what he is about, she will...and if she doesn't, she can live blissfully in ignorance.  It is so hard not to get consumed with anger sometimes...

post #11 of 13

I get along better with my ex now that things have calmed and we have been apart for 10 months but no way I think we should be together b/c of it. If anything it just proves more that we should not be together b/c we get along so much better NOT living together and not having to deal with each other day to day. Now I just have to see him once in awhile and talk on the phone about the kids and it's fine. It really shows that we can be friendly and get along and coparent just fine- as long as we aren't made to live with each other and be a couple!

post #12 of 13
Thread Starter 

So update to my weird situation...my ex decided to tell his GF half of the truth of what happened and she CALLED ME (he gave her my #) and we ended up talking about a lot of stuff...I doubt she is going to stay with him because of his behaviour, but now I kind of hope she does just because we had a good talk and I feel comfortable with her now...life is so strange.

post #13 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoemily View Post

which I am very upset about and feel is disrespectful because that is my home and I gave birth to DD there...and he doesn't care....


My ex and his wife live in the home I gave birth to dd at.... it is very weird to me.

 

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