How much privacy do we give our kids? - Page 4

[Adia]

No to all. Very disrespectful and not exactly trust building. I'd rather they just trust me and talk to me, and being the kind of person who'd go through personal things and behind their back doesn't exactly lend itself to that.

The obvious exceptions would be if I had a good reason to fear that they were an imminent danger to themselves or to others, or that someone was a danger to them, like in an abusive relationship. But that's why I'm focused on building trust, so that those situations don't get to that to begin with, so that they would come to me when they had a problem of any kind rather than hide it.

[Imakcerka]

I think most people who had parents that showed little trust feel the same way as Adia.  DD1 wrote a letter to my mom the other day and asked if I wanted to read it.  I told her that I didn't need to read it but she could read some of it to me if she liked.  I'm trying to give her more privacy and hoping that she will start to give me some as well.  I don't want us running around with massive secrets but I certainly don't want her to think she ever has to worry about my prying eyes. 

[Adia]

I think that's the case for most people. It was more complex for me. My mother had no respect for my privacy or for me. She'd read my diary, ridicule me when I told her my feelings, tell my secrets to my friends or try to get things I'd told friends in confidence out of them, et cetera. My dad is a totally different story. He and I had a great relationship. Trust, mutual respect, openness, no condescention. He treated me like he'd treat anyone else, wouldn't do anything to me that he wouldn't do to anyone else, and though he always left 'girl matters' up to my grandma, he did basically everything else. As I grew into a teenager and the interwebs became a big thing, he let me do my thing and I never felt the need to hide it from him, or if I did, I could tell him, "hey, please don't read that email, it's kind of sensitive", and he'd respect that.

I had both models in my formative years and I can say with absolute certainty that my dad's approach inspired confidence, trust, and made me feel like I could tell him anything without being judged, and I went to him about touchy subjects, which saved me a massive amount of trouble and potential danger. I can also say that my mother's approach is a good part of why she has little relationship with me and why I wouldn't trust her with the most ordinary of personal problems or any scrap of information in confidence. Now that I have children she wants a relationship with me and them, but the trust issue is still a major thing.

My basis of how I treat my children is my dad. My mother, I can also thank, because she taught me exactly what to do if I want my children to hide things from me, lie to me, take chances on things they're unsure about rather than ask for guidance, shut me out of their emotional life, and refuse help when they need it.

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

I think most people who had parents that showed little trust feel the same way as Adia.  DD1 wrote a letter to my mom the other day and asked if I wanted to read it.  I told her that I didn't need to read it but she could read some of it to me if she liked.  I'm trying to give her more privacy and hoping that she will start to give me some as well.  I don't want us running around with massive secrets but I certainly don't want her to think she ever has to worry about my prying eyes. 

[Storm Bride]

I haven't read the whole thread, yet.

DS1 doesn't, to the best of my knowledge, have a diary. I wouldn't read it if he did. The only situation in which I can imagine reading a diary is if he simply disappeared, and I had no idea what was going on.

When he got his cellphone, we were paying for the plan. Canadian cellphone plans suck (I hear this from everybody, although I have no basis for comparison) and he had a very rigid limit on texts (he was 15), because we weren't going to pay for them. But, I've never read his texts, unless one is sitting on the screen, and I happen to sit down next to the phone (think it's happened twice in three years - both were utterly innocuous..."what's up, bro?" type stuff).

I don't go through his room and never have.  Since he turned 12 (when we moved in here), the only time I've ever gone in his room without checking is if I needed to dump his clean laundry in there (he has a bad habit of leaving it in the dryer), had to let in a service person (only once) or he left it unlocked and I had to go get one of his siblings. I do have a key, though.

Up until he was about 10 or 11, I went through his backpack sometimes, but only to look for leftover lunch that he'd forgotten about, and/or notices or invitations from school He was kind of airheaded.

When he got an email account, I had his password. But, he opened a new one about a year ago, and I don't have the password, nor am I on his Facebook friends list. He's 18, and is only still at home, because he can't afford to go to school and pay for a place. I have no need to pry into his life.

I'd probably be somewhat less rigid if I had any reason to be concerned about his behaviour, but I don't. He's always maintained a good standard of behaviour, has never even flirted with drugs and had one drink (not even a whole one) at a party once. He has a really solid group of friends, and chooses to hang around with people who are good for him, not those who aren't. And, he was born with more self-confidence than I've ever had, and is more than capable of ignoring negative people in his life. So...why would I poke around, yk?

We'll see how things play out with my other kids. I can see a possibility that I may end up prying a bit with ds2, as he has some behavioural issues that are a potential concern, and probably also has some kind of special needs. I don't know what the picture's going to look like when he's older, yk?

[caetlinh]

Beware of snooping on your teens, whether you tell them or not doesn't change what you're doing.  My parents were the ultimate snoopers and it backfired, BIG TIME!  Unless you think there's something horribly wrong, I would never do it.  Otherwise, how do you teach respect and trust?

[Imakcerka]

AH... but their lives are so interesting!  Don't worry I'm not a snooper.

Originally Posted by caetlinh 

Beware of snooping on your teens, whether you tell them or not doesn't change what you're doing.  My parents were the ultimate snoopers and it backfired, BIG TIME!  Unless you think there's something horribly wrong, I would never do it.  Otherwise, how do you teach respect and trust?