The TV is an issue.

[NinasMommy]

hi peeps!

it's me again!

this time i have to ask about dealing with tv issues.

i don't want tv, and could live happily without it for myself. for my 7 month old baby? i think it's poison, and i don't want to have her watching any until she's a few years old at least, and then it will be very supervised.

my boyfriend/baby's dad says he needs tv to relax sometimes. he's not a heavy tv watcher, but he's kind of been making an issue of it lately, even going so far as to accuse me of "prohibiting" him from watching it. which is silly. the tv doesn't work (not my fault!), he chooses to watch it at the worst times (like baby's bedtime - we live in a studio!), and doesn't give me fair warning of when he would like to watch it.

on top of all that, he seems to not understand how detrimental television could be to our child.

what's the best way to deal with this in a constructive manner in which both of us will be pleased with the results?

we have made a compromise - when we move in to a 1 bedroom apartment (hopefully soon!), he'll be able to watch tv in the other room, whichever room the baby's not in. we won't have the tv on during meals. and soon i will ask him to please give me fair warning of when he will have tv time, and to please put headphones on if the baby is sleeping.

in spite of this pact, he keeps bringing it up, making it out like i'm restricting his life or something...

[crunchy_mommy]

Well I agree with you but maybe the way you are wording it is the reason he feels kind of controlled? And maybe he needs to feel more like part of the decision (and part of the solution)?

I do think using headphones and having a private corner of your apartment where the TV is less viewable could help... Like a chair in the corner with the TV facing it so your baby can't see it while she's playing/sleeping... And invest in comfortable headphones (maybe I am the only one with headphone issues lol but I can't stand wearing them!!)

And is this all really about TV? I could easily see it being more about you feeling like he's not pitching in (watches TV when he should be helping with bedtime?) Or from his perspective, that he's not able to get space to unwind & relax? I really cannot imagine living in a studio with a baby, that sounds like torture to me, I need space to get away even just for 5mins lol. What about a TV in the bathroom or a car TV or something? Or watching stuff on a laptop if you have one??

I guess I'm just saying, discuss this all with him, and try not to dictate what he can & can't do -- instead, see if TOGETHER the two of you can agree on a solution for this issue.

[Drummer's Wife]

At 7 months old, the tv is not going to be a huge distraction for your baby.  I wouldn't be so worried about it "poisoning" her right now.  I mean, really.  What does that say about the moms who sit down to nurse for the hundredth time during the day and flips on the TV?  She's seriously harming her baby? 

I think your plan when you moves sounds fine, I guess, if he honestly agrees with it and is happy (which, if he keeps complaining about this plan, he's not).  Otherwise, how do you think he feels having to seclude himself in the bedroom every time he wants to watch his favorite show or a football game?  Having that disconnect from his family will probably do more harm than having the TV on on occasion when your little one is in the same room. 

I understand the negatives of too much TV time for kids, especially during the first 2 years (and hey, we were TV-free for a year not too long ago and it was good for us, but I am happy we have multiple TV's currently)..... BUT, it's your boyfriend's living space, too, so his feelings should be equally considered especially since the baby is probably pretty oblivious and likely doesn't care whether the TV is on for a couple hours every night, or not.  You are going to be resentful of your own pact, unless you make rules about it such as how many hours a day and when this grown man can watch TV (which, is silly).  You will be resentful because he will be resentful and will hole up in the room while you wish he was interacting with the kid and helping wash dishes and spending time together.  I think you need more middle ground here. 

BTW, you might have more luck in the TV-free sub-forum, b/c at least there, you might get some better advice from those who have BTDT in a similar situation where one spouse is reluctant.  Good luck!

[Smithie]

The studio-apartment situation is creating a lot of stress for you guys that is going to resolve once you have more space. 

That said... you seven month old is not being poisoned by the television. Let her father watch. Even when his daughter is awake. Hand him the baby and go take a shower! Or take a walk! Or anything to get a little respite for your own physical and mental health!

And once you have two rooms, don't make him wear headphones when the baby is asleep in the other room - I swear to Bob, it won't hurt your baby to "hear" TV in the next room. If you want to have the TV off in the evenings as your own personal preference... well, once you have two rooms, you know what you can do to make him turn it off for awhile. 

[NinasMommy]

hello,

i didn't know there was a tv free sub forum, can someone guide me to it, please? i can't seem to find it. thank you!
 

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife  

BTW, you might have more luck in the TV-free sub-forum, b/c at least there, you might get some better advice from those who have BTDT in a similar situation where one spouse is reluctant.  Good luck!

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by NinasMommy 

hello,

i didn't know there was a tv free sub forum, can someone guide me to it, please? i can't seem to find it. thank you! 

http://www.mothering.com/community/f/447/tv-free

[NinasMommy]

thanks crunchy!

[MoonlessNightx]

IMO It's not the tv itself that is "poisoning" to a child, it's the not getting out and doing other stuff outside and/or reading and/or spending time together as a family that is the "poisoning" aspect.  If he wants TV, he wants TV and he's an adult in the household too so it's a bit controlling to say no.  In his mind you might be ruining his quality of life honestly.  I'd be pissed if I didn't get to watch PBS Kids with my children every morning (granted, we're not just sitting and watching we're usually doing other things like drawing, talking, cleaning, playing, tummy time, etc at the same time so it's a bit different for us).  Could I live without TV?  Yes, I definitely could.  But I wouldn't have that relaxation time to spend cuddling and interacting with my kids (it's like our ritual).  Plus TV can be super educational as well.  My daughter knew her alphabet and what the letters looked like written down by age 1 1/2 because of PBS Kids.

[NinasMommy]

It's not controlling because I've never said he can't watch TV. I've never just said "no, and that's that." Like I said, WE, together, came to a compromise because he knows I have concerns about TV watching. In households where people are comfortable watching TV - you should watch it! I'm not telling you not to watch TV. But I'm here too, and it's also an "imposition" on my life to have TV forced on me when I don't want it. Our child is very intelligent, and when the time comes to formally "educate" her, I'm sure she'll catch on wonderfully even without the use of television. We have lots of cuddle and relax time, and everything time, w/o TV. I'll even give her a progression of TV time as she's growing up, and eventually she can make her own decisions about watching it. Right now, we're focusing on giving her lots of love and fostering a sense of wonder and enjoyment of life. And he's actually very supportive of me in this. I think he might even be catching on to my ideas about TV now. And I do understand his need to watch it for relaxation - that's never been the issue.

[minkin03]

Originally Posted by NinasMommy 

It's not controlling because I've never said he can't watch TV. I've never just said "no, and that's that." Like I said, WE, together, came to a compromise because he knows I have concerns about TV watching. In households where people are comfortable watching TV - you should watch it! I'm not telling you not to watch TV. But I'm here too, and it's also an "imposition" on my life to have TV forced on me when I don't want it. Our child is very intelligent, and when the time comes to formally "educate" her, I'm sure she'll catch on wonderfully even without the use of television. We have lots of cuddle and relax time, and everything time, w/o TV. I'll even give her a progression of TV time as she's growing up, and eventually she can make her own decisions about watching it. Right now, we're focusing on giving her lots of love and fostering a sense of wonder and enjoyment of life. And he's actually very supportive of me in this. I think he might even be catching on to my ideas about TV now. And I do understand his need to watch it for relaxation - that's never been the issue.

From your OP it sounds like it is an issue for your boyfriend.

but he's kind of been making an issue of it lately, even going so far as to accuse me of "prohibiting" him from watching it. which is silly.

and

in spite of this pact, he keeps bringing it up, making it out like i'm restricting his life or something...

Hopefully things will improve when you get a bigger place and can have a separate TV room or something. 

[CherryBombMama]

i used to hate when my dh would get our (at the time) infant ds and plop him in front of the tv to "bond." at first i was really resentful, because 1)it made my ds happy to be sitting with his dad and 2)my dh actually got to sit down and zone out, while i felt like i never got to do that! 3) i knew all the info about how bad tv is for babies.

by the way, at that time, we also lived in a studio, so i can relate to you there. eventually, i had to pretend (yes, fake) that i liked my dh doing that. nothing else worked!  the more i was ok with my dh relaxing the way he wanted to relax, the happier it made my dh! and surprisingly enough, him being happy and rested made him want to get out and do active things with our ds. go figure :) 

my only "rule" with the tv was that if the baby was asleep at the time, the tv had to be positioned away from our bed, and the volume had to be super low like for Call of Duty, or he had to wear headphones, like for a movie. headphones were his idea because i told him if he woke up the baby, he had to turn off the tv and WATCH him. 

i think maybe your attitude towards this needs to shift a bit... and i say that as respectfully as possible :)

[NinasMommy]

Originally Posted by CherryBombMama 

i think maybe your attitude towards this needs to shift a bit... and i say that as respectfully as possible :)

And, as respectfully as possible, I'm going to say, "No thanks!" :)

We have a good workable compromise, and I'm going to honor my end of the deal, and I hope he will his.

[MoonlessNightx]

Oh dear, I didn't mean to say you should be doing what I'm doing, I didn't mean that at all.  I was just using myself as an example of someone who would find their quality of life diminished if TV was taken away.

I also seem to have read your post wrong.  If you and he made a deal then he shouldn't have agreed to it if he didn't like it.  

[tincia]

I'm just gonna throw something out there..sometimes men "agree" reluctantly to things because they see it is not going anywhere, and just want to shut us up. It sounds like this compromise isn't cutting it because he's not happy. In the here and now there isn't much compromise as u have no tv in the home like u want, and he is left wanting it. I am a little confused about the fair warning that he wants to watch tv. What does this mean? Is there a reason why he can't watch tv without preplanning it with u?
I guess ultimately i just really don't get it.. If your dh wants a tv and its not going to negatively affect your marriage or child, i don't see what the problem is. I totally agree with u about keepung your baby from watching it, but even in a studio there is no reason your husband shouldn't be able to watch tv without exposing your little one. (which maybe means only watching tv when baby is napping or down for the night)
Ultimately i think u need to sit down and really talk about what he wants, how it would actually play out in day to day life, and then come to an agreement you are both truly happy with.

[captain optimism]

Headphones are a great compromise even in households where everyone watches TV, because then people who aren't watching don't get sucked in, and people who want to sleep can sleep while their partners watch late at night. You can now get wireless ones with good fidelity and pleasantly squishy sound-canceling baffling around the ears (so they aren't uncomfortable.) They make a good gift, because they're expensive, but to have peace is worth it. 

Even though I don't think being exposed to TV in small doses is going to be detrimental to a 7-month-old, it's really unfair to the parent putting the baby to sleep or interacting with her to have a background of loud TV. Later, when she's older, you won't want her parked in front of the box. It's important for him to be able to take care of her without using TV or other things that are so distracting that he's not alert enough. 

Technology makes our lives better and allows us to make different choices when we live in the same house. 

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 
I do think using headphones and having a private corner of your apartment where the TV is less viewable could help... Like a chair in the corner with the TV facing it so your baby can't see it while she's playing/sleeping... And invest in comfortable headphones (maybe I am the only one with headphone issues lol but I can't stand wearing them!!)
.

[NinasMommy]

it's all good... i didn't mean to get uppity...

i guess if he keeps having an issue with it, then he doesn't really agree to the compromise and we need to work something else out.

but honestly, i feel like he does appreciate my parenting style and is getting more comfortable with it (i stay home with DD, so i end up making a lot of parenting decisions primarily) and may even start to agree with me on TV. at the same time, i'm seeing how it would be a huge and sudden adjustment to him to have TV taken away if he's been used to it all his life as a form of relaxation.
 

Originally Posted by MoonlessNightx 

Oh dear, I didn't mean to say you should be doing what I'm doing, I didn't mean that at all.  I was just using myself as an example of someone who would find their quality of life diminished if TV was taken away.

I also seem to have read your post wrong.  If you and he made a deal then he shouldn't have agreed to it if he didn't like it.  

[NinasMommy]

i think by fair warning i meant exactly what you said with your last sentence, talk about how it would play out in day to day life, instead of the scenario that had been happening: i would be trying to wind baby down for a nap or bedtime (or a feeding - she gets distracted these days), and he would start complaining about watching tv (he would've turned the tv on if it had been working).

i think it's fair, in a small space such as this studio, to give people warning of something potentially disruptive coming up in their environment... i usually ask him if it's ok for me to turn on some music or the radio to clean by, or i let him know if it bothers him, he should feel free to let me know and i'll turn it down or off. if i were about to vacuum, i would let him know and if he objected, i would consider his objection. you know what i mean? i feel like it's just being considerate of people's space and sensitivities.

like i said in a response above, there is a compromise... he can watch tv as per the tennets of our compromise, i have never said "no, you may not ever watch television ever again in your life".

one thing i'm trying to get him to understand, and hopefully some readers and responders of this thread might understand, is that things are going to change as DD grows... babyhood doesn't last forever, and we'll be able to do more as she grows, develops, is more independent, etc...

i know it's tough for us to make some adjustments, but that's part of what new parenthood and co-habitation is about, i think.
 

Originally Posted by tincia 

I'm just gonna throw something out there..sometimes men "agree" reluctantly to things because they see it is not going anywhere, and just want to shut us up. It sounds like this compromise isn't cutting it because he's not happy. In the here and now there isn't much compromise as u have no tv in the home like u want, and he is left wanting it. I am a little confused about the fair warning that he wants to watch tv. What does this mean? Is there a reason why he can't watch tv without preplanning it with u?
I guess ultimately i just really don't get it.. If your dh wants a tv and its not going to negatively affect your marriage or child, i don't see what the problem is. I totally agree with u about keepung your baby from watching it, but even in a studio there is no reason your husband shouldn't be able to watch tv without exposing your little one. (which maybe means only watching tv when baby is napping or down for the night)
Ultimately i think u need to sit down and really talk about what he wants, how it would actually play out in day to day life, and then come to an agreement you are both truly happy with.

[NinasMommy]

yeah, i totally agree about headphones - it's an excellent compromise... he's been good about using them. :)

Originally Posted by captain optimism 

Headphones are a great compromise even in households where everyone watches TV, because then people who aren't watching don't get sucked in, and people who want to sleep can sleep while their partners watch late at night. You can now get wireless ones with good fidelity and pleasantly squishy sound-canceling baffling around the ears (so they aren't uncomfortable.) They make a good gift, because they're expensive, but to have peace is worth it. 

Even though I don't think being exposed to TV in small doses is going to be detrimental to a 7-month-old, it's really unfair to the parent putting the baby to sleep or interacting with her to have a background of loud TV. Later, when she's older, you won't want her parked in front of the box. It's important for him to be able to take care of her without using TV or other things that are so distracting that he's not alert enough. 

Technology makes our lives better and allows us to make different choices when we live in the same house.