TOXIC Family... let's have it.

[Imakcerka]

Over the years I've realized some people are just not worth it. Especially those who intentionally hurt us. My dads side of the family is pretty much all males. Since I was young I was told I get nothing from them because I'm a girl and everything would end up going to my husband and he's not family to them so I'm out! They are all very into male domination.  However my whole life I was put on a pedestal because I never did anything wrong.  Apparently I finally did something.  My brother was so happy to call me and tell me all the nasty things they said about me and my family.  It was pretty brutal and he ended the call with, finally you know what if feels like to not be so damn great.  I think he was mad that I really didn't get upset.  I know this is how it works with them and I was just waiting my turn to be treated like crap.  Only thing is you can't really hurt someone when they don't depend on you. 

My dad, his brother and my uncle circle my grandparents just waiting for them to die, because they're filthy rich, and my grandparents dangle tidbits for them to keep them around.  It's rather disgusting.  However, they want to live that way so be it.  They really hate that I don't want to be part of their ugly little backwards lives.  They shower the guys with new houses, cars, bail money... and whatever else they need.  With me it's Christmas cards that say, "we'd give you money but you don't visit".  I stopped opening them.  They do the same with the girls birthdays.   

So after last nights call from my brother, on the other side of the states my sister called to tell me our mom had been in a wreck and her car was wrapped around a telephone poll, my mom has Guillian Barre it's in remission, but it's still a lot for her body to be in any kind of accident.  Even though I didn't want to I called my brother to let him know.  He told me he didn't care and F her.  Did I miss something?  Nope, she has nothing to offer him.  And he was too busy shoving his nose up grandads rear end at that time since he needed new tires for his car.  Moms doing okay and they caught the guy who hit her and drove off.  When I talked to her I didn't tell her what he said, I don't do that.

So I decided last night, enough is enough.  They are not my family.  I do not want them in my life.  I will not let them upset me or hurt us in anyway.  We're done with them.   All the junk they've given me over the years I trashed.   Jewelry-I'm pawning, paintings-giving away, Christmas cards-sending back.  And the stupid gold plated silverware... really?  I'm giving to my friend who wants to use them for her Holiday dinners.  She likes them she can have them.  Seriously all their gifts are dumb, just expensive crap you don't need.  I WANT THEM OUT OF MY LIFE!  No more answering phone calls no more caring.  When they die, they can die with their vulture children and hateful friends. 

I feel better.  Who is next?

[goldenwillow]

Good for you.  It takes guts to do this.  I have done the same with toxic family, which is really all of them.  I only speak to my mother (rarely, through texting and the occasional phone call) and my father and that is only because of my DS, they love him to pieces.  I do not ever see myself allowing them to have him overnight, even babysitting.  Visiting at our house, sure, in my or my husbands presence. 

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

One day I asked myself, "Would I be friends with my parents if they weren't my parents?" 

"NO!"

And that was the end of it.  (OK, it's a little more complicated than that, but not really.)

[Ann-Marita]

I decided I could do without my older sister way back in 1980 or so, when I was in my early 20's.  She had been physically abusive for most of my life, and she finally crossed a line - broke my nose, and left scars on my face.  So I ditched her and never regretted my decision.  (Regretted the situation, but not my response to it.)

And then, about 15 years ago, I finally "divorced" my mother.  (And got cut off from that whole side of the family as a result.)  It was one of the healthiest things I ever did.  She was rather wealthy, and would use cutting you out of her will as a weapon.  I just decided that THAT weapon no longer worked on me, her money wasn't worth how she treated me and my dh.

Have you read "Toxic Parents"?  Really good information, it gave me the perspective I needed to know that my only way out with my mental health intact was, well, OUT.

[Imakcerka]

Thanks guys, I feel like I'm not alone. I finally talked to my mom about it and all she said was "why do you think I divorced your dad?" and "I also divorced his family". I'm glad she let me make this decision on my own. My brother has always been mean to her and though she'll always answer the phone when he calls, that's all she gives him anymore. It's too uncomfortable for her to have to hear the crud he says. It's a good feeling to be done with them.

[sapientia]

Yep, I moved two states away (finally) from my supremely toxic, mentally, physically and emotionally abusive mother, father (he passed away 6 years ago) and brother. I keep limited contact, but they are still angry that I moved away from their control (their admittance) I could go on and on but the thing that really made me see was that  the other day my brother called and let me know he unfriended me on facebook because he saw I was 'friends' with someone he had been angry at when he was in elementary school. He's 39. My mom is downright cruel to me-has never wanted to be close..loves her cats more than me (by her own admittance) and plays favorites with my brother...so after they decided they were angry again with me over something imagined I just mentally 'let them go'.

My mom has no interest in her grandkids and never has-has never babysat, doesn't send my kids gifts. She's a bitter, cruel woman and I feel so much better for being away from them! I could seriously go on a rant  for decades but I think I make my point (grin). It's like this: I have gone through YEARS of self hate and feeling nowhere good enough or pretty enough because of my parent's treatment of me. Now I see they were (and are) the most miserable people on the planet and have no desire to get better. I can't have that in my life.

[Adaline'sMama]

I'll give you the short, sweet version here. The long story is a lot nastier than Id prefer to have on the open forums.

My mother is and always has been terribly verbally (and physically) abusive, self centered, and extremely judgmental. Last year, after she and I had a long phone argument that ended in her telling me that I was raising a daughter that would turn out to date black people and women, I ceased all communication with her. She has called our cell phones over 300 times, most of the time from "unknown number" . I can tell it's her because the regularity. She is OCD and the calls will come every 30 minutes on the dot all day long, and then not come at all. She leaves messages, but I delete them before I can hear her. She hates DH, she is jealous of my baby, and she has made almost every important day of my life all about her.

My sister is on drugs and pregnant, my brother is in and out of jail for theft all the time, and my stepfather is 250 lbs overweight and stuck in the middle of a 20 year depression. Needless to say, he is a nice guy that my mother has driven crazy.

So, after ceasing all communication it felt great- for a couple of months. Now everytime a holiday rolls around I feel guilty, even though I know Im justified.

[sapientia]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

I'll give you the short, sweet version here. The long story is a lot nastier than Id prefer to have on the open forums.

My mother is and always has been terribly verbally (and physically) abusive, self centered, and extremely judgmental. Last year, after she and I had a long phone argument that ended in her telling me that I was raising a daughter that would turn out to date black people and women, I ceased all communication with her. She has called our cell phones over 300 times, most of the time from "unknown number" . I can tell it's her because the regularity. She is OCD and the calls will come every 30 minutes on the dot all day long, and then not come at all. She leaves messages, but I delete them before I can hear her. She hates DH, she is jealous of my baby, and she has made almost every important day of my life all about her.

My sister is on drugs and pregnant, my brother is in and out of jail for theft all the time, and my stepfather is 250 lbs overweight and stuck in the middle of a 20 year depression. Needless to say, he is a nice guy that my mother has driven crazy.

So, after ceasing all communication it felt great- for a couple of months. Now everytime a holiday rolls around I feel guilty, even though I know Im justified.

Your sister sounds like an intense version of my brother-he is just plain TOXIC and just...off somehow. He will call me to tell me that I am a rotten sister because I put my children before him. (!!!) so I understand a little of what you mean. My mother convinced him he was way too overweight (he was a little heavy, but not dangerously so) so he went on speed and is now skeletal and refuses to eat...major eating disorder...and my mom completely approves and thinks he looks great. I cry for him because he is killing himself-hollowed eyes, so thin his bones show...but he continues to exercise all day and keep his calories under a 1000 a day...no matter what. And she encourages it.This year will be the first Thanksgiving/Christmas that we won't be at my mom's for at least breakfast (the once a year routine that is fraught with oodles of cigarette smoke and a gazillion cats so we have to sit outside half the time) and I KNOW my mom will be thrilled to be able to 'guilt' me for not showing, but will secretly LOVE that we aren't there. I feel a small amount of...I don't know...weirdness that the routine will be broken...but ultimately I am focusing on making the holidays the way my immediate family (husband and 5 children) would love to have them. No worries about getting up and rushing, or preparing myself for the yearly request from my mom to take a picture of her and my brother...but not me because I am too 'fat' to be in a picture with her. (I am 15 lbs heavier than when I had my youngest son...I am in a healthy range and in no way 'fat') I can't wait for this year to be calm. Relaxed. I hope you don't feel guilty, I hope you have good holidays...

[adorabelle]

:( I am so sorry to hear that.  ((HUGS))

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

I'll give you the short, sweet version here. The long story is a lot nastier than Id prefer to have on the open forums.
My mother is and always has been terribly verbally (and physically) abusive, self centered, and extremely judgmental. Last year, after she and I had a long phone argument that ended in her telling me that I was raising a daughter that would turn out to date black people and women, I ceased all communication with her. She has called our cell phones over 300 times, most of the time from "unknown number" . I can tell it's her because the regularity. She is OCD and the calls will come every 30 minutes on the dot all day long, and then not come at all. She leaves messages, but I delete them before I can hear her. She hates DH, she is jealous of my baby, and she has made almost every important day of my life all about her.
My sister is on drugs and pregnant, my brother is in and out of jail for theft all the time, and my stepfather is 250 lbs overweight and stuck in the middle of a 20 year depression. Needless to say, he is a nice guy that my mother has driven crazy.
So, after ceasing all communication it felt great- for a couple of months. Now everytime a holiday rolls around I feel guilty, even though I know Im justified.

[Imakcerka]

Hugs to all.  It's amazing how much a part of our lives we allow them to take up for so long. 

[sapientia]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

Hugs to all.  It's amazing how much a part of our lives we allow them to take up for so long. 

Right? I should have distanced myself like this years ago!

[peainthepod]

Walking away from my toxic family of origin was the best decision I ever made. I chose to stop allowing them to corrode my very existence. I have no contact whatsoever with either of my bioparents and am now thriving without their lethal, soul-killing influence. I used to be crippled by anxiety and depression, self-esteem problems, agoraphobia, physical pain related to anxiety, and various other psychological, emotional, and physical issues that have literally all but disappeared since I decided I would no longer tolerate any toxicity in my life. I refuse to associate with unrepentant abusers and I refuse to protect them from the consequences of their abuse by pretending it didn't and doesn't continue to happen. If my choice not to allow them in my life embarrasses them--and I'm sure it does, occasionally--then perhaps that should be an impetus to change their behavior. If not...oh well. Not my problem anymore.

It's not a popular thing to do. People with toxic relatives who choose dysfunction over health will judge you harshly (crabs in a bucket). People who have never experienced real toxicity will judge you ("You can't do that--they're faaaaaaaamily!"). People who have made a similar choice to be healthy will understand. Get support from those people whenever you need it. You're doing the right thing.

Have you heard of the poison well analogy? If a well is poisoned, you can't drink "just a little" from it and expect to be okay. You can't get the poison out, after all. You can't make the well somehow start providing sweet, drinkable water. You just have to stop going back to the well and find a new source of water. And wouldn't you do anything necessary to keep your children from drinking from that same poison well that's been hurting you your whole life? Cutting off toxics is simply refusing to pretend that the poison well will one day yield safe water. It's acknowledging an unchangeable fact and deciding to protect yourself from harm.

Anyone who would negatively judge you for protecting yourself is not a friend and doesn't have your best interests in mind.
 

Ditching the toxics and working on my own happiness, learning how to be a healthy person and a healthy wife, mother, and friend, has literally changed my life. I've finally reached a point where I'm not even angry anymore--I'm just done. They can have their miserable lives and make their miserable choices. I simply choose not to let their actions affect me anymore.

You're doing the right thing. It might take a lot of time and introspection and grieving, but one day you'll look back on this decision and realize that today was the day you decided to live, not just survive.

[sapientia]

Originally Posted by peainthepod 

Walking away from my toxic family of origin was the best decision I ever made. I chose to stop allowing them to corrode my very existence. I have no contact whatsoever with either of my bioparents and am now thriving without their lethal, soul-killing influence. I used to be crippled by anxiety and depression, self-esteem problems, agoraphobia, physical pain related to anxiety, and various other psychological, emotional, and physical issues that have literally all but disappeared since I decided I would no longer tolerate any toxicity in my life. I refuse to associate with unrepentant abusers and I refuse to protect them from the consequences of their abuse by pretending it didn't and doesn't continue to happen. If my choice not to allow them in my life embarrasses them--and I'm sure it does, occasionally--then perhaps that should be an impetus to change their behavior. If not...oh well. Not my problem anymore.

It's not a popular thing to do. People with toxic relatives who choose dysfunction over health will judge you harshly (crabs in a bucket). People who have never experienced real toxicity will judge you ("You can't do that--they're faaaaaaaamily!"). People who have made a similar choice to be healthy will understand. Get support from those people whenever you need it. You're doing the right thing.

Have you heard of the poison well analogy? If a well is poisoned, you can't drink "just a little" from it and expect to be okay. You can't get the poison out, after all. You can't make the well somehow start providing sweet, drinkable water. You just have to stop going back to the well and find a new source of water. And wouldn't you do anything necessary to keep your children from drinking from that same poison well that's been hurting you your whole life? Cutting off toxics is simply refusing to pretend that the poison well will one day yield safe water. It's acknowledging an unchangeable fact and deciding to protect yourself from harm.

Anyone who would negatively judge you for protecting yourself is not a friend and doesn't have your best interests in mind. 

Ditching the toxics and working on my own happiness, learning how to be a healthy person and a healthy wife, mother, and friend, has literally changed my life. I've finally reached a point where I'm not even angry anymore--I'm just done. They can have their miserable lives and make their miserable choices. I simply choose not to let their actions affect me anymore.

You're doing the right thing. It might take a lot of time and introspection and grieving, but one day you'll look back on this decision and realize that today was the day you decided to live, not just survive.

I had never heard the term 'crabs in a bucket' till now and WOW does it describe my mother!

I know this thread isn't 'about me' but I have a question about your own journey-the part that gives me 'pause' is this: If I cease all communication with my mom and brother (which I so want to do) they will blame it all on me, say that I 'moved away and forgot all about them' that I 'love a stranger more than family' etc. I know their thinking is skewed...but it seems to be giving them more reason to blame me for everything that has ever gone wrong in this family. Was it hard for you to make peace with this sort of thing?

Again, sorry to hijack, just wondering.

[peainthepod]

Of course they'll blame you. But they already do anyway, right? You and I both know that they never take responsibility for their own actions. Ever. That's a huge part of what makes them toxic and not just "irritating" or "difficult" or whatever other euphemism you want to use for people who drive you up the wall. Toxic people scapegoat. They blame shift. They gaslight. Nothing short of total subservience to them will ever make them like you--and even then, it probably wouldn't be enough. Why? Because the problem isn't with you. We're talking about deeply dysfunctional people, emotionally stunted people who are in a hell of their own making. Pity them, maybe, but don't make the mistake of taking them seriously. I don't let my three-year-old's tantrums change my decisions. I don't let adults' tantrums change my decisions, either.

The thing that comes with time and distance is you begin to realize that it doesn't matter whether they blame you or not. Their opinions of you are completely irrelevant. You're a grown woman and you have decided to be happy and that's what you're going to do.

Do you care what a crazy person thinks of your decisions? Right now you do, because that crazy person is deeply enmeshed in your life. When you detach and move on, you get clarity. With that clarity comes the blinding, shocking realization that despite all of your early programming, despite the fear, obligation, and guilt they've been using to control you--despite their ability to push your buttons, buttons they installed themselves--what they think of you genuinely doesn't matter, nor will you let it have any effect on your life. It's akin to realizing that the cage door was always open and all you had to do was walk out. They'll wail and gnash their teeth and smear your reputation to everyone they can--and so what? The world will keep turning, the sun will still rise. You won't die. You'll get stronger. And eventually you'll come to understand that they have no power over you at all and haven't since you reached adulthood.

Their low opinion of you is already certain, or they wouldn't treat you like this in the first place. So why not make yourself happy for a change and let them have their opinions? They cannot stop you from being happy. The only thing stopping you...is you. They've taken up enough of your life. It's time to take it back. 

[peainthepod]

And to answer the question about whether it was hard to make peace, yeah. It was at first. When you grow up in a toxic family, you have a lot of deprogramming to do on yourself before you can get better. You have to learn how to ignore or shout down that ugly voice in your head--their voice--that's constantly pointing out your flaws and mistakes and the inevitability of failure. You have to learn what healthy boundaries are, in all of your relationships and interactions with people. You have to learn how to rely on yourself as a measure of your own value and success--to stop needing validation from others. It takes a lot of work, a lot of pain, a lot of trial and error. It's an ongoing process and I don't know that I'll ever get it totally right.

But when I compare myself now to the person I was when I was still enmeshed with the toxics, it's a night-and-day difference. When I compare the healthy friendships I have now to the distinctly unhealthy ones I had in high school and college, I can't believe how far I've come. My unwillingness to tolerate abuse and dysfunction has bled into every nook and cranny of my life. It's made me stronger, healthier, happier, and less likely to be victimized ever again. I've still got deep scars that will never go away, but they're no longer festering infected wounds. The poison is out of my system and, God willing, will never slip past my defenses again. You can do it too, mama. You just need to be willing to take that first terrifying step up out of the bucket.

[sapientia]

Thank you so very much for those posts, Peainthepod. You have given me a lot to think about and work towards. I've taken a huge leap in moving away from them, and putting distance in general. My entire outlook on life has improved...I gotta keep working. What wonderful words, and they are appreciated.

[Imakcerka]

Very much appreciated.  I think it will be hard down the line for me to keep my brother out of my life.  We used to be so close and now...  he's pretty much just like the rest of them.  That is what hurts the most.  We used to be a pair. 

I hope he gets out of their mess too. 

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by sapientia 

Right? I should have distanced myself like this years ago!

For sure.  For myself, it has been a challenge but as I age and gain confidence, it is easier. 

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by peainthepod 

Of course they'll blame you. But they already do anyway, right? You and I both know that they never take responsibility for their own actions. Ever. That's a huge part of what makes them toxic and not just "irritating" or "difficult" or whatever other euphemism you want to use for people who drive you up the wall. Toxic people scapegoat. They blame shift. They gaslight. Nothing short of total subservience to them will ever make them like you--and even then, it probably wouldn't be enough. Why? Because the problem isn't with you. We're talking about deeply dysfunctional people, emotionally stunted people who are in a hell of their own making. Pity them, maybe, but don't make the mistake of taking them seriously. I don't let my three-year-old's tantrums change my decisions. I don't let adults' tantrums change my decisions, either.

The thing that comes with time and distance is you begin to realize that it doesn't matter whether they blame you or not. Their opinions of you are completely irrelevant. You're a grown woman and you have decided to be happy and that's what you're going to do.

Do you care what a crazy person thinks of your decisions? Right now you do, because that crazy person is deeply enmeshed in your life. When you detach and move on, you get clarity. With that clarity comes the blinding, shocking realization that despite all of your early programming, despite the fear, obligation, and guilt they've been using to control you--despite their ability to push your buttons, buttons they installed themselves--what they think of you genuinely doesn't matter, nor will you let it have any effect on your life. It's akin to realizing that the cage door was always open and all you had to do was walk out. They'll wail and gnash their teeth and smear your reputation to everyone they can--and so what? The world will keep turning, the sun will still rise. You won't die. You'll get stronger. And eventually you'll come to understand that they have no power over you at all and haven't since you reached adulthood.

Their low opinion of you is already certain, or they wouldn't treat you like this in the first place. So why not make yourself happy for a change and let them have their opinions? They cannot stop you from being happy. The only thing stopping you...is you. They've taken up enough of your life. It's time to take it back. 

Your post is so right on.  It actually brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you, 

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

Very much appreciated.  I think it will be hard down the line for me to keep my brother out of my life.  We used to be so close and now...  he's pretty much just like the rest of them.  That is what hurts the most.  We used to be a pair. 

I hope he gets out of their mess too. 

I hear you. My brother and I used to be best friends, inseparable. When I cut our bioparents out of my life, he cut me out of his without further ado. I still struggle with that but in the end, I was forced to accept the indisputable fact that healthy adults don't try to dictate the terms of other adults' relationships. He told me outright that my decision to "destroy the family" (walk away until/unless my bioparents decided to treat me better) was the reason he would never speak to me again. In the end, as much as I still love my brother and will always miss him, it's probably better that he's not in my life if he's still trapped in such dysfunctional thinking. I told him that the door is always open if he ever sees things differently, and I meant it, but I won't tolerate toxicity from him either and I think he realizes that.

He was always the golden child and could do no wrong when we were growing up, so it's not too surprising that he clings to our abusers as fervently as I pushed them away. I worry for him and mourn the loss of our relationship but he's a grown man and is as responsible for his choices as I am for mine. He might be the crab I'll miss the most, but I still can't let him drag me back in.