We are having a particular struggle and am hoping for some comments from those who might have had similar concerns.
We strongly prefer using a known donor mostly because we really want to allow a future child the opportunity to known their origins from the beginning and to have a relationship (even if it is infrequent) with their donor. It feels similar to our committment to open adoption should adoption end up being our path to parenthood.
We are currently in discussions with KD #3. KD #1 and #2 did not work out due to a medical issue and low sperm count, respectively. All three donors have been friends because we want a donor with integrity and good relationship skills and can't assess that with strangers. With all three donors, we have had months of dialogue. Our approach to this relationship is thorough and deliberate as we want to be sure that as many potential boundary concerns and unintended consequences are explored as possible and also because working with friends brings some extra issues with it.
We are nearing the end of discussions with KD #3 and have some indications that he may decide that he can't be our donor. We don't know this for sure and are giving him some space to make whatever decision he needs to. But we're sad and concerned.
I am to carry and I am almost 39 so we are feeling time pressure. We don't know any other men that we would feel comfortable asking. And so why not just go to a sperm bank, right? Here's where our biggest struggle is.
When we were first beginning this process, donor sperm from a bank seemed like a fine back-up option. However, the process of visioning with each KD about how it might work and what we hoped for for our child has strengthened our desire for a KD, possibly to the point of any other option not being viable for us. I (and my partner to maybe a slightly lesser degree, but only slightly) feel quite burdened with the idea of creating a child that will not have any contact with their donor before age 18 and perhaps not even then if the donor decides he is not willing to be contacted. I didn't feel this way a couple of years ago but now, it feels like an ethical dilemma to me and I'm not sure my desire to give birth is stronger than my committment to the principles that inform this decision. To top it all off, it just really bothers me to shop for sperm like I'm buying a washing machine or a tv. My tolerance for pouring over donor profiles is low. It makes me feel like I'm participating in the commodifying of gametes (and children) when these things are just not commodities to me.
For those of you who may be feeling defensive about your choice to use donor sperm from a bank, please know that my/our dilemma is a personal one. I don't have judgments about other's choices in this area. In fact, I wish I didn't have the struggles myself.
I'm wondering if there are any of you out there who struggled with this. I'm spinning a bit with "if KD #3 doesn't work out and we can't bring ourselves to use sperm from a bank, then we are out of options." This makes me so sad. Adoption would have a to wait for a while as my partner is finishing school and I'm growing a business that is not yet producing income. We wouldn't pass a home study.
Anyone have some insight? Or perhaps can empathize? Thanks in advance.
Not feeling so Happycalm
Edited by happycalm - 9/24/11 at 8:34pm