Any near-relative adoptions here? - Page 2

[IzzyTheTerrible]

Thank you for your suggestion, but we're trying to get away from "nephew."   People that know the situation also know his name, so we don't refer to him as anything but by his name... it's people we DONT know.

DCF has been protecting children for a long time, so I'm pretty sure they have reasons for wanting to terminate parental rights when they deem it to be in the best interest of the child.    If she wanted him, checked on him, wanted anything to do with him, and was just down on her luck, this would be an entirely different situation....  '

... but then again, we wouldn't have had to call DCF because I've been begging for a medical consent paper so I could take him to the doctor.   I appreciate your position, but I don't feel it's applicable to the situation, and probably very few situations these days.

[lauren]

The thing is, Izzy, that despite birth mom's current state, within 12 months she could turn things around, or 'just enough' to impress a judge that she has turned things around (even if she hasn't). Many many kinship placements struggle with this very thing, even with DCF involvement. It does leave the child in limbo, sadly. But to move forward on a different sort of naming will make things that much harder if the situation shifts out of your favor in a year.

AND congratulations on shaking up the system and getting what you needed right now!!

[Polliwog]

Anything can happen. She could not do anything for a while and then start working a plan and things could go past 12 months. Sometimes way past. Sometimes, not. A child needs to be with his mother if at all possible. I would think you'd want her to pull things together and do what it takes to get her child back. And social workers tell you what they "think" is likely to happen. And they're right much of the time. But, not always and you need to be prepared for that.

For most people, referring to him as your nephew is fine. Some people will need to know that you have custody of him. If you have other children, he will likely call you whatever they do. My DD called me Mama (then Mommy) because DS did. It didn't change the fact that she was still my foster child.

[IzzyTheTerrible]

We are prepared for all the different possibilities.


I can quite honestlu say we are not th least bit eager to reunits him wih someone that did drugs in the house with him, never took him t the doctor , doesnt want him in any way....

Thankfully DCF can decide what is best for him and we can want him to be with us all we want. It wuld take her moving mountains for him for me to believe she cares.

[MommyKelly]

I have seen plenty of birth parents turn themselves around enough to get custody back. Please remember their main goal is to reunite birth mothers with their children. The bar isnt as high as you would hope. 2 of my kiddos always called me Mom, one took a few weeks but she was 5 when we got her. She asked one day if she could call me Mom :)

We refer to birth Moms, as "Mommy so and so" . Whats funny is the kids refer to their birth mom by their 1st name only , I am the one that calls them Mommy so and so LOL. 

[lauren]

Izzy, I'm sure this is so incredibly difficult. He is your relative, your flesh and blood. It is hard to watch someone neglect their child, especially when you loved him before he even lived with you. I hope things work out so that everyone can be safe and whole in the end.

[Polliwog]

What was it that you wanted us to say? That it's ok to refer to him as your child? Anything can happen. I'm sure it's a tough situation but my DS's mom is proof that you can become a parent after not being one.
 

Originally Posted by IzzyTheTerrible 

We are prepared for all the different possibilities.
I can quite honestlu say we are not th least bit eager to reunits him wih someone that did drugs in the house with him, never took him t the doctor , doesnt want him in any way....
Thankfully DCF can decide what is best for him and we can want him to be with us all we want. It wuld take her moving mountains for him for me to believe she cares.

[IzzyTheTerrible]

Originally Posted by lauren 

Izzy, I'm sure this is so incredibly difficult. He is your relative, your flesh and blood. It is hard to watch someone neglect their child, especially when you loved him before he even lived with you. I hope things work out so that everyone can be safe and whole in the end.

Thank you. :)

I'm going to just keep faith that things will work out as they are supposed to.  The mother resurfaced and announced that she won't be trying to get him back.  It breaks my heart that shes not interested in fighting for him, he deserves to be fought for.

And Polliwog, I'm a bit confused by your question.  DCF, our family and the sheriff have already suggested we move to mom/dad/son naming, because the mother has announced that she is not interested in him in any way other than being able to see him if she changes her mind in the future.  

I was just more or curious of opinions.   

[lauren]

If I might interpret Polliwog (having known her here for a while) I think she was wondering if you were looking for members to simply agree without questioning, the speed at which you were moving toward permanency with the naming, when in fact, the situation was far from resolved (prior to birth mom's recent statement).

Now that his birth mom is resolving this for you by stating that she will not be pursuing him, it seems as though your legal options are much clearer. DCF will be able to help you move toward permanency and you will be able to arrange for more permanent integration of your nephew into your family.

On this forum, the moms and dads who post are sensitive to all parts of the adoption/foster triad, so that is why you will get some members asking questions if things appear to be moving too fast and/or foster/adoptive parents seem to be dismissive of the perspective of the birth mom and dad. Members here also know first hand how tangled and complicated even the most simple-appearing placement can get over time. They have lived it in their homes. So I appreciate that you have hung in on this thread, hearing from everyone. A lot of folks have learned a ton from the parents on this subforum. Thanks for being here!

[Polliwog]

That's basically what I meant but really, unless she relinquishes her rights, she has the right to change her mind or put some wrinkles in the mix. She could say that she won't pursue getting him back one day and change her mind in a few weeks. I've been fostering for a long time and posting/lurking on a foster parent message board for over six years. I've also spent many days in family court listening to other cases. I've heard all kinds of stories. If I were you, I'd look at the situation as temporary unless you have concrete reasons to believe otherwise. That doesn't mean that you interact with the child any differently. Just guard your heart a little and don't present him to the world as your son.

[Smithie]

OP, I'm glad you are getting legal status and some support through DCF. Hopefully Medicaid too? 

With strangers and a nonverbal child, I'd probably stick with "foster baby." If they press you to find out if you're hoping to adopt, then 1) they're being rude and 2) you can tell them whatever you'd like.

Nobody needs to know that your sister is a meth head, except those that already know. It's not that you're obliged to keep her secret - far from it. You owe her nothing. It's just that it's not really relevant in most situations that your foster baby is also your bio nephew. It doesn't provide people with useful information about the situation, except your family and close friends who are helping you deal with the tangled mess that is kinship care. 

When he learns to talk, he'll call you "Mama," which is exactly what he would do if you shared no DNA. 

[IzzyTheTerrible]

Foster baby really does seem like the most comfortable for me, I appreciate your opinion, Smithie.   Knowing the situation makes my husband and I very sure that there's no possible way that she will be interested enough, nor able to pull herself together to do what she needs to do.  So my husband (as well as everyone else involved, including her) is perfectly comfortable moving into "son," but foster son feels more like a good transition and acknowledgement that there's clearly still the possibility of the situation being temporary.

He's just started calling us mama and dadda (though doesn't recognize which means which yet, just that one of us pays attention to him when he says it), and I couldn't help but wonder how a foster parent would deal with this period of development.   

My husband tells me that it's not our decision whether he's with us for the next 18 days, or the next 18 years, that forever long we are blessed with him we are his parents, and therefore he is our son, even if temporarily.   He seems to be much more comfortable embracing the moment, even if it means in a month or twelve, we have to adjust to a different type of relationship... 

So much confusion with the situation, but by calling him our nephew it's lead to so many uncomfortable questions or has felt like our relationship with him is dismissed because he must just be visiting, when he's nothing of the sort.  

Phew!

One day at a time. :)

He has medicaid already, thankfully.  First doctors appointment and shots the 26th!  We also were offered coordinated childcare for him, but thankfully don't have much of a need for it with the types of work schedules we have.  We could change our schedules to be able to take advantage of the CCC but it would mean less time with him, so I doubt I will go that route he needs as much one on one attention as we can afford.

[Polliwog]

Most foster babies start calling their foster parents whatever the other kids in the house do. Some people choose not to attach meaning behind the "ma ma ma ma" sounds but most do and it's perfectly fine. You are the mother of your house.

[lauren]

Originally Posted by IzzyTheTerrible 

So much confusion with the situation, but by calling him our nephew it's lead to so many uncomfortable questions or has felt like our relationship with him is dismissed because he must just be visiting, when he's nothing of the sort.  

One thing this made me wonder is that by calling him nephew, other people automatically think they have a right to information about your adult relative (can't remember if it is your sister or your partner's) and why this person is screwing up and how that relates to you both as individuals. So in a way they get too much information simply by knowing his biological relationship to you. For some people, this alone would provoke a sense of shame--- they'd feel they had to explain why the child's mother (their sister/brother/etc.) was so messed up and family background, etc. Not sure if this is making sense, just having my first cup of coffee!

[Smithie]

That's exactly what I was trying to articulate before, lauren. You did a much better job!

[IzzyTheTerrible]

It's true, there's a considerable amount of shame involved, and I'm not sure if it's because of the way people react, or the way I feel about it.

I wasn't raised with my sister, so there's really no connection between us other than we share the same mother (again, not really raised with the same one though).

There are no other children, so the only lead he can follow is what we give him, which is part of what makes this complicated, but more than that - what everyone else has said, how simply just saying that he's our nephew gives more information than we are comfortable giving to people we've just met - which seems to be a heck of a lot since babies seem to be people magnets!

Thanks for everyone's input. :)