Bullying Problem escalating. WWYD?

[Polgara1111]

Would love some opinions on how you would handle this situation.

There are some kids in the neighborhood who have begun harrassing and bullying my daughter (11).  At the bus stop this one girl will say mean things to her designed to humiliate her.  The girl is 11 also.  This girl has an older brother who was recently expelled from school for bringing a knife to school.  He was told that MY daughter is the one who turned him in.  She did not.  She didn't even know he had a knife.  But this kid, his siblings, and the parents all believe my daughter told on him and got him expelled.  And he has vowed to make her life miserable every chance he gets.

So today my kids, age 11 and 8, were walking to a friends house and these bullies attacked both my kids, throwing balls and rocks at them and shoving them into the wall.  My daughter and son ran away, and my daughter called me to come pick her up.  She's super upset, was crying for a while, and is scared to go to the bus stop and scared to walk past this house or encounter any of these kids.  There were about about 8 or 9 kids all ganging up on my two kids.

I think the parents are drug dealers or criminals.  There are some super unsavory folks that hang around their house at night, and there's a bunch of expensive toys in their garage yet they claim they have no money for pens, paper, or school supplies.  There are three adults in the house and 6 kids.  I'm woried that if I go talk to the parents they will feel humiliated or something and come after me.  They all know I'm a single mama.

Anyway, what would you guys do?

[Snapdragon]

Is there a guidance counselor at your childs school you could talk to about this? I think you are right that it seems scary to go to the parents if they are unsavory, especially if there are theree adults there just versus you.  I also think that you do need to protect your child from the bullying and step in as soon as you can. So I think finding a helpful adult such as a guidance counselor to step in on your behalf would be a good approach- and then maybe he or she could talk to the family for you.  If not a guidance counselor than perhaps one of the childrens' teachers, if there is a nice sympathetic one who would act in your childs behalf while also understanding how to tread lightly.

[Imakcerka]

They attacked your kids, call the police. They are there for a reason. Also, can you go to the bus stop? Or have someone else go and wait with the kids. They won't do much if there are other adults around.

Seriously, they are looking to you to help them, call the police file a report. The school really can't do much.

[FarmerBeth]

Yeah to the police.   I also definitely think you should take them to the bus stop or directly to school.  You'd probably know if they would go so far as to act up on the bus.  Our children have a great school but the most dangerous bus in the whole school board.  It's primary to grade twelve and we've had the teenage boys beat each other to the point of concussions and so much blood it required a blood spill team to clean up and the kids were out in the near wilderness (there's 10km prior to the school that is just woods) while the bus driver phoned in a replacement bus.  Most kids won't fight in front of adults, but if your kids tell you otherwise with this bunch, I'd err on believing them.

[Polgara1111]

I've got a call in to a friend of a friend who is a cop and works with kids.  Going to see what she suggests.

In the meantime, when my daughter went to the bus stop this morning, all the kids started throwing rocks at her as soon as she arrived.  She was very shaken.  The bus came soon after and she texted me from the bus about the incident.  I called the school and reported the situation to the Dean.  My child met with the dean, gave her the story, signed a statement, and the dean told my daughter that she would call the parents of all the kids involved, and also taht the main mean girl isn't even supposed to be on that bus, so is being moved back to her proper bus.

I put in a call to the dean this afternoon to talk to her but she hasn't called back yet.  I don't even know if it's safe to send my child to the bus stop tomorrow morning.  Sigh.

[Imakcerka]

I wouldn't, If you could you should try to drive them or find some other means for them to get to school. You gotta be a fierce mama in this situation. They are counting on you.

[Snapdragon]

yes, I don't know what your situation is with work and scheduling- but if you can drive her to school until this thing gets taken care of, or accomany her to the bus, that would be good. Sorry you and your child are dealing with this- how awful :(

[Lovesong]

That's a really tough one.

I would actually get in touch with a lawyer, if you can at all afford it. I was bullied for years in school, my parents constantly talking to my teacher and the headmaster about how to stop it but nothing really ever happening. Usually, it wasn't all that bad. I had my glasses broken and was constantly taunted, and sometimes chased, but then, one day, a boy in my class threw a sharp knife into the wall right next to me during woodworking class...

My parents decided enough was enough and contacted a lawyer and threatened all involved (including the school, since they had legal responsibility for my protection during my travel from home and to school) and suddenly from one day to the next, things stopped. Just stopped.

It was a very strange experience. Years and years of bullying...just stopped, because of a law-suit threat. We didn't even have to follow through with it. The fact we suddenly had economically potentially very sharp teeth made all the world of difference.

What I would do right now, if possible, is to give your daughter a day or two at home. Call the school and tell them why. She probably needs it, just to be able to collect herself and calm down a little. I know, I know...it is frequently said that you should never let a child be at home after being bullied because then they will know that is an option and develop tummy aches and whatnot. Seriously though, this is more than just being bullied. No child should have to face being thrown rocks at!

Then, I would look into the law. Especially what responsibilities the school has with regards to keeping your child safe while in transit and during school hours. It might perhaps be arranged that your children is picked up separately from the rest (like special needs kids can be, at least here in Sweden) or at least that there's a friendly adult person at the bus stop to ensure that the worst girl is not at the stop and to be able to identify the rock-throwing kids so that the police and social services can be contacted. The act of stone throwing is, after all, actually an act of physical abuse. Since the kids are so young, their parents are really responsible for seeing to it that they do not do illegal things. Failing to do so, and it really does become a case of parent neglect and thus social services should step in.

One thing I do wish my parents had done is to actually move me to another school. Give me a chance for a clean slate...they never did, of some reason. Perhaps because they figured that with my glasses, my stuttering and my penchant for classical music I would soon be bullied again (I have very realistic parents). But since your daughter is seemingly bullied because of an act of very malicious misinformation (by the way...is that not a crime? Spreading false rumours about a person which can harm that person?) it might help to look into moving her and your son to another school. It doesn't mean they will loose the friends they have, but it might mean a new chance. Even if there are kids knowing the kids whom bully your daughter at that school, they might not be in a strong position in another school.

p.s. For the run-on the-mill bully my father taught me some self-defence. In the case of your daughter, it is not really advisable because of the risk of there being knives involved...but when things calm down a bit, it might help her self confidence and make her feel safer.

[tincia]

I would definately call the police! Your children have been assaulted, and your daughter is being harassed! Even if the school acts, they r not doing so quickly enough! I would definately drive her to school, and if the school doesn't take a zero tolerance stance, than keep her home until they do! Someone has to protect your child, the poor girl! So sorry your family is dealing with this, no child should have to!

[chaimom]

What did the principal say?  I would have called the police.  In fact, I still think you should.  I'm sorry the parents are scary, though. Maybe the police can give you some perspective. In my first house, drug dealers moved in to the rental next door and they were super scary, so I know how that feels.   But imagine how it feels to be a kid, knowing those kids are in the neighborhood.   I put my house on the market a month after they moved in.   I hope you can find a solution to keep your children safe and protected when they're away from school.  AT school, I would insist they keep all those kids away from my child.  

[Bekka]

My daughter had issues early last year with one kid at the bus stop and I wish I had taken a much stronger position.  She learned to ignore it and it went away, but I still wish I had taken a harder line with the situation.  IDK what I would have done in your situation; I think the police as well.  Hope your kids can feel safe.

[karne]

Call the police.  It may not be the first time they've heard from people about the kids being out of control.  I know the dean of the school was involved, but truly, the kids should have been suspended from bus privileges.  Don't engage with the parents, don't engage with the kids.  Be clear with the school that you will seek a restraining order as necessary, and make sure both the dean, and any guidance personnel know this.  Set absolute boundaries for your child, and your family.  

[Alphaghetti]

So sorry for you and your daughter that you have to deal with this.  Sadly, when we deal with children who feel it is appropriate to carry a knife, hit and throw rocks, it generally means that they are not receiving good parenting at home, and thereby any attempt to resolve issues through parental contact is futile. I am also very interested to hear what the dean has said, as well as your cop friend.  I wouldn't normally reccommend involving police or lawyers, but your children sound as though they are in real physical danger. I don't see where there is a choice any more. What a terrible ordeal. Hugs.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Polgara1111 

I've got a call in to a friend of a friend who is a cop and works with kids.  Going to see what she suggests.

In the meantime, when my daughter went to the bus stop this morning, all the kids started throwing rocks at her as soon as she arrived.  She was very shaken.  The bus came soon after and she texted me from the bus about the incident.  I called the school and reported the situation to the Dean.  My child met with the dean, gave her the story, signed a statement, and the dean told my daughter that she would call the parents of all the kids involved, and also taht the main mean girl isn't even supposed to be on that bus, so is being moved back to her proper bus.

I put in a call to the dean this afternoon to talk to her but she hasn't called back yet.  I don't even know if it's safe to send my child to the bus stop tomorrow morning.  Sigh.

Um, no.  It is not safe to send your kids to the bus stop knowing this is happening.  I'm surprised it is even an option to consider.  I would most definitely call the police, I would take my kids to school or arrange different transportation for them, wait with them in the car at the bus stop, whatever, but I would not in a billion years let my kids be subjected to that kind of bullying.  I wouldn't call the parents.  Your description of them makes me think it is highly unlikely that they are going to care about the behavior, and you may make your children and yourself a greater target.  Good luck. 

[Imakcerka]

so... what's going on?

[beanma]

If you can't take your kids to school or wait with them at the bus stop, do you have a friend who they could carpool with or you could drop them at the friend's house and they could take the friend's bus?

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It really sucks.