It was so hard to spend the last weeks out of touch with you all...because they were hard weeks emotionally. There was really no way to make it different...the computer was down, and internet service took a while to hook up. We are now officially WIFI, so, uber modern in spite of my desire to move to a far off land without anything technological. It's a small desire, and it didn't win out.... But....here's our story while we were gone.
We had opted for a home birth after being sent to the hospital for no real reason which landed us in the same room we had had our stillbirth in. Our nurse midwife begged to be part of the birth at home and convinced me simply because medicaid would cover it if she was present....even though I really wanted the homebirth midwife who seemed sooooo wonderful. In any case...money is money, and with a shortage of it, it seemed reasonable, and so we agreed. HOWEVER....
5 days after my due date, and still nothing but healthy exams, that nurse midwife called me on a sunday to tell me that I was beyond her "comfort zone", and that I was too overweight (gained only 33 lbs this pregnancy!!) and that it wasn't safe to have a homebirth and that I should have been induced at 39 weeks because she felt the baby was too big. HUH??????
In other words, even though all my blood work was perfect, even though I only gained 33 lbs, which was less than she initially told me I was allowed to gain, even though I was measuring perfectly normal and all the non stress tests and ultrasounds indicated a perfectly sized healthy baby girl, and even though I walked 10 to five miles every day of this pregnancy.....she was dropping me as high risk WITHOUT a referral and told me to go to the emergency room to be induced by a random doc on call. Bull crap.
I called the other midwife. She was wonderful!!! She went to pick up my records, went through them with a fine toothed comb and pronounced me perfectly fit to have a home birth. Without medicaid paying for it, she offered a payment plan and set to work trying to settle my nerves and alleviate my fears. Something I wished I'd had 9 months of!!! A calm, sure, and loving midwife....wow...what a difference that can make. She and I met up every day just to talk...to allow me to express my fears....to assure me that all was well. I loved her for all the time she spent with me.
At 42 weeks pregnant, my hips were killing me. I could barely walk...but was still making the effort. 42 weeks pregnant, and my DH had been on vacation for 4 days already, thinking that I needed him, which was true. We spent that last day at the river...walking in an effort to find trust, because we were both wearing thin. Every day seemed like one more day that our little girl might not make it....and it was so hard....so...we walked...and breathed...and found our trust in the beauty of nature, in a tiny inch worm...in remaining buttercups...in feathers along the train.. in a soaring bald eagle....and in a lovely little fawn that stood silent as we walked by her. Our midwife came that evening to massage my cervix. This....was not enjoyable.
She gave me castor oil, and blue and black homeopathic cohash. She told me to go to bed.
I woke up at 1 a.m. with intense back pain that really shot through me in such intensity that I was shivering and sweating with the promise of vomiting....
DH happily assured me I was in labor.
Oh great. After weeks of mild and persistent labor contractions which had dilated me to 7 cm in the weeks before........now I woke up in complete transition. Painful transition. And....then, there was the issue of the castor oil. crap. literally.
called my girlfriend and our midwife to come...
Sat in the bath whimpering. Not as much from the pain, but from the fear. The fear was huge. Never have been so afraid in my life. Held my birthing necklace....thought of each of you. Would have worn it if I could have messed with the clasp, but the contractions were SO strong and SO constant....couldn't do it. But...you were all there. In my hand. Reminding me to breathe. Got out of the tub to poop. Again. got back in for relief.
Finally, the midwife informed me that all I had left was a stubborn lip of cervix that she felt she could push back during a contraction, but that I'd have to leave the tub to do it. I was ALL about the pain being over...and ALL about holding my baby girl...soooooo...to the bed, and on my side it was. But the cervix wouldn't push back. Later, after the birth, our midwife told me that she could tell how afraid I was because my cervix was just STIFF with terror...I was NOT able to let her go. serious trauma....sigh.
My midwife tried for half and hour....her hand just IN me...pushing....pushing...while contractions ripped through me. She kept telling me "Your little girl is fine....let her go...let her go mama....she wants to come!"
She was finally able to push the cervix back, and our girl was pushed out in two pushes...the first push released her head and the entire remaining contents of my intestines...gross...., and I heard the midwife say calmly..."o.k...we have a little cord here...." and I thought "Oh god...she's not going to make it.....she's not going to make it." Then, with another push...out she came, and I heard her cry just once "MA MOM!" And they lifted her up to me...where she was breathing and warm and alive!!!
Ma mom....her first voice was to call me. . .
I took my anti hemmorage tincture....and it was amazing! SO little bleeding! Thank you sweet Italia!!!
I've been over the moon in love.....I can't put her down...can't put her in the co-sleeper...no way! She sleeps, not next to me...but ON me. I sleep on my back, which is a total luxury after pregnancy side sleeping!!! And my little one nestles on my chest....slumbering sweetly.
Dh worries that I'm not getting enough sleep....but I just tell him that after 2 and a half years of literally waking in the night, thinking I'm hearing a baby cry...but there is no baby...no baby to care for...no baby to nurse...no baby to love......oh boy...I'd take this level of sleep deprivation any day. I have a baby. a real baby....a live baby. She needs me in the night, and I've been in need of this level of need for a looooong time. It's healing for me. Totally healing. I look at her tiny face...her little 8 lb 8 oz body....and I can't believe that the nightmare of loss is over. OVER.
I look at her and I long for the twins that should have been...but I know that my girly is here...and I'll love her all the more.
So...thank you all. For believing when I was struggling.....for being here.