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Foster-adopt reading recommendations?

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

Hi everyone,

 

My wife and I have just decided to stop fertility treatments and pursue foster-to-adopt. We're very excited and hopeful, but we are just beginning and I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the information out there. We're working on registering for pre-service training in our state (Washington) now, but I'd really love to hear some recommendations from folks here on things I can read to educate myself.

 

We're both white and are hoping for an infant. We're open to all races, abilities, and drug/alcohol exposure. Can anyone recommend books on cross racial/cultural adoption? RAD? Longterm effects of drug/alcohol exposure?

 

Thank you!

 

James

post #2 of 7
Hi there! We are a foster/adopt family in SC now, but we lived in WA for several years. It's a great place to raise a kid!

You're not going to like my advice, though. greensad.gif At your ages, first kid, failed fertility treatments, wanting an infant... adoption through the foster care system can be a very tough haul. There are many great adoption agencies who can place you with an infant ethically and safely. For a first kid, after the disappointment of infertility, I would seriously consider being merciful to yourselves and seeking a baby who you will never have to hand back to an abusive or otherwise unfit bioparent. Fostering infants is important, righteous, wonderful work, and it can lead to adoption. But it's a path that's frequently laden with pain, and you guys have had your fair share of pain recently.

Why don't you call up WACAP? http://www.wacap.org/
post #3 of 7

I have lots of friends- IRL and online, who've adopted a child through foster care and have suffered infertility. If you and your wife are in the right frame of mind, it can be a great way to build your family. Not always the easiest, but it's not always horrible. I am not in your situation, but I have adopted two children from foster care (including my daughter who came home at 9 months.)

 

Here's a link to the resources sticky for this forum. It used to be easier to see on the home page. http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/adoption-and-foster-parenting-resources Feel free to ask any questions you may have.

post #4 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

Hi there! We are a foster/adopt family in SC now, but we lived in WA for several years. It's a great place to raise a kid!

You're not going to like my advice, though. greensad.gif At your ages, first kid, failed fertility treatments, wanting an infant... adoption through the foster care system can be a very tough haul. There are many great adoption agencies who can place you with an infant ethically and safely. For a first kid, after the disappointment of infertility, I would seriously consider being merciful to yourselves and seeking a baby who you will never have to hand back to an abusive or otherwise unfit bioparent. Fostering infants is important, righteous, wonderful work, and it can lead to adoption. But it's a path that's frequently laden with pain, and you guys have had your fair share of pain recently.

Why don't you call up WACAP? http://www.wacap.org/
 


Hello there. In Washington, the foster-to-adopt program is such that placements are not made unless the likelihood of reunification is very slim. Also, our experience with infertility is different than I think you've assumed. We're a queer couple -- I'm transgender, and we've always considered adoption vs. my wife carrying to be equal options. Sure, we're disappointed that she didn't become pregnant, but more than that we're hopeful and excited about adoption, the same as we were when first began to talk about starting a family. I appreciate the well-intended advice, but we feel pretty confident in the direction we're taking  and in our ability to make decisions about what's right for our family. At this point we're just looking for recommended resources on the process and things to consider.

 

post #5 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Polliwog View Post

I have lots of friends- IRL and online, who've adopted a child through foster care and have suffered infertility. If you and your wife are in the right frame of mind, it can be a great way to build your family. Not always the easiest, but it's not always horrible. I am not in your situation, but I have adopted two children from foster care (including my daughter who came home at 9 months.)

 

Here's a link to the resources sticky for this forum. It used to be easier to see on the home page. http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/adoption-and-foster-parenting-resources Feel free to ask any questions you may have.


This is fantastic! Thank you!

 

post #6 of 7

I liked Deborah Gray's Attaching in Adoption.  I foster to adopted two kids, and her work really speaks to the journey! 

 

Welcome to MDC and good luck in your process :). 

post #7 of 7

I've had a fairly positive adoption-from-foster care experience. I had wanted to "straight adopt" (not foster) but that didnt pan out after over a year of waiting (i was pretty open as to age/race/emotional needs etc and was hoping to be placed with a school aged boy), so i switched agencies and got a foster license. I've had four foster children in the 3+ years that i fostered. Three of those i adopted. Only one was placed with the purpose of adoption, the others had reunification as their initial goal. My first placement was three weeks old, and i finalized his adoption before he was 11 months old. I had a little girl just under a year old, she went to an aunt after two months and it was pretty clear from placement that she would not be staying. Then my third placement was 16.5 months old, i thought he might go home to his dad but within a month of placement the goal was officially changed to adoption even though they still continued with reunification efforts, and TPR took place about 8 months after placement. After TPR i had his older half-sister placed with me, and i knew i'd adopt her as TPR had already occurred. She was 8 years old at placement.

 

My boys are completely healthy with no special needs, no drug exposure, nothing. Totally typical kids. My daughter is physically very healthy, but does have learning disabilities (that i suspect may be related to possible prenatal exposure to alcohol, but no proof), ADHD that is fairly well controlled with meds, and alot of attachment issue-related behaviors that drive me up a wall. But for the most part she is well adjusted and none of the "horror story" issues you hear about sometimes with older kids (no acting out, she's safe with other kids, pets, property etc)...my state doesnt really have a "Fost/Adopt" track like some do, so basically you have to depend on your foster worker funneling potentially adoptable kids your way. So if your state DOES have something a little more official, i'd say your chances of getting placed with a young child who is ultimately TPR'd is quite good.

 

The only caution i'd give, which im sure you already know and have given thought to, is that until you have the final decree of adoption in hand that states that child is legally and forever yours, NOTHING is guaranteed and ANYTHING can happen. Its MUCH harder than you think it will be to live with that uncertainty even in a "good" situation. With my first placement, TPR happened at not quite four months old, the only possible interested relative decided at six months old he couldnt be a resource, there was no visits, no one wanted the baby, it was totally clearly an adoptive placement at that point...and yet it wasnt until i got that finalization in the mail did i realize i'd been essentially holding my breath for close to a year. And the same with the other kids, once it was over and they were TRULY mine it was such a relief. Because with foster kids they can leave at any time. Even with my daughter, no one was supposed to want her and then just before she was to move in with me a cousin staked a claim (then disappeared.) So you just never know.

 

 

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