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Expecting our RAINBOW babies - graduates of "hoping, healing & conceiving again" tread 2011 - Page 8

post #141 of 514

The problem is, I don't really know when I started getting nauseated with my last pregnancy (mc). Our whole house had the stomach flu and I got it last. It morphed from throwing up every 20 minutes on the dot and being so exhausted I couldn't stand up straight to simply having morning sickness. I'm not sure when one stopped and the other started! I think I tend not to start getting food aversions, nausea, etc., until 6 weeks. One more week! (Frankly, I'll be DELIGHTED to be sick. At least I'll feel pregnant.)

post #142 of 514

Zub- Glad you are feeling pregnant:) When do you go back to your OB?


Manna- Glad you are having some symptoms too, every pregnancy is so different. I'm sure you know that though:) When is your first appt?


Not much to report. Breasts are heavy and tender, my stomach is uneasy with waves of nausea and I'm very tired. All good signs, but at the same time I've had 2 losses where all my hormones were in normal range and never dropped on their own.....had to have medical intervention, so I'm still pretty nervous, but I guess all I can do is focus on what I do know right now. I do feel prego, so far my numbers are good..I go again tomorrow for a 3rd beta, results tuesday. Then u/s on the 11th. As long as I keep making small steps in the right directions, I am happy. If all is good on the u/s, which  should show 6-61/2 prego, I will will get another at 7 weeks and at 8 weeks then I will have to wait til the nuchal test.....which for me, is very important:)

post #143 of 514
Thread Starter 

Hi everyone,

Slshe - my breasts are swollen, but not really tender.  I don't really FEEL pregnant, but do have slight bouts of nausea but not so bad.


I also cannot remember when I started symptomss with last pregnancy, but I do remember with DS I had heartburn from like 8PO.

post #144 of 514

Hi all,


Stacey, I will be channeling high beta numbers your way tomorrow! Given how many of your losses have not had good numbers, this seems like a really good start. I know it's going to be a long couple of months, though. How are you doing today?


Corgi, I've experienced symptoms fairly early with all pregnancies but there are so apt to come and go in the beginning. Since I'm still breastfeeding I'm not seeing any major changes except sorer nipples and slightly tender breasts when you given them a squeeze (I have been walking around squeezing boobs a lot this week bag.gif) I am feeling queasy today but not nearly as badly as yesterday - but im trying to remember how it was with DS. I am tired, mind you, and have done zero exercise except yoga and walking. I also have quite bad lower backache and a bit of cramping. Hopefully it's just all normal stuff.


Who have you guys told? I lurked on the new DDC (what happened to putting them under I'm Pregnant? It's under Groups') but I can;t bring myself to post. This all feels very unreal. And it's really raining here. very fed up of the weather.

post #145 of 514

I added myself to the DDC that is under "Groups."  You have to join to be able to add yourself the group.  Maybe whoever set it up, did it that way because of privacy.  Although I am a bit clueless with the inner workings of Mothering.  Speaking of, is there a place on here to figure out what all the acronyms stand for?   


Zubeldia- I've told my husband, mother, daughter (I said "Guess what?" with meaning to say "I love you!" like I do 20x a day.  But when I said "I love you!"  She said, "Ahhh, I thought you were going to tell me something exciting."  So I then told her the big news.  She is super excited.  We are so close and around each other constantly, she would just know anyhow."  I also told six friends.  I want to tell everybody but I won't. I wrote this on here somewhere else but I'll write it again- the woman who was the midwife when I was born told me that she thinks it's odd that most woman my age don't tell anyone that they are pregnant until the second trimester.  The first trimester is so hard and we need understanding!  


My family went out to breakfast and a waitress was pregnant, showing and so cute and glowing.  She said she was due in January.  greensad.gif  I was due in February and would be showing like that now.  Told myself I wasn't going to think about it but....it all happens for a reason and that baby either wasn't ready or wasn't meant to be.  


Hope you all are well!  Or sick!  -Violet

post #146 of 514


So scared right now!! It hasn't even seemed real the last two days...I've gone back and looked at my test and the pics I took of it just to convince myself that it's real a few times. I told my husband yesterday that I think I'm gonna be scared stiff the whole way through. It did NOT help that today I had a couple stringy brown bits on the paper when I wiped. I absolutely started freaking out and crying "Oh God, no...not this one too"!! I haven't seen anything in a few hours, but it's still freaking me out a bit. I don't know how I'm gonna wait till a week from Tuesday to see anyone and get my hormone levels tested. I may call back to the nurse midwives group tomorrow and see if there is any way for me to be seen sooner.


I've still been fighting this stupid head cold crud too. It REALLY hit me by Friday afternoon. I laid down for a nap after getting Bug down for his and had the hardest time rousing myself up after that. Fortunately, DH was on his way home within 20 minutes of Bug getting up and he took over everything that evening and let me just sleep. He even slept on the couch the past two nights so I could sleep better (though I was feeling enough better by last night to kinda miss him being there in the bed). I had a gagging, pukey kinda feeling both Friday evening and yesterday evening...could have been from being sick, but as weird as it sounds, I really actually hope that it was "morning" sickness...and that it continues so that I know things are going okay. 


I'm just all kinds of emotional about this...I just don't think I could handle ANOTHER loss. That would be three in eight months time and I really think I might not be able to handle it emotionally if this one doesn't stick. I'm still in the time frame for being pregnant with Riley (due date was November 3rd) as well as with Paisley (due date was March 13th). I know there are a few ladies who've lost even more little ones in a row...but it's awful no matter how many it's been. Please just pray, cross your fingers, or whatever you do and hope that this little bean sticks GOOD!!


post #147 of 514

Hi there - I thought I'd post an update. I'm back from Boston (whew) but DH is still in CA until tomorrow afternoon - and I'm unreasonably afraid he'll get in a plane crash..sigh. Just waiting and hoping for that call when he's landed...


Anyway, I'm in a funk. I guess. I'm 12 weeks today. DS1 is crazy overtired and I'm completely wiped from this trip - family was pretty much no help (just my dad, really...he's great at critiquing parenting choices but not understanding that it would be nice for him to watch my child for 5 minutes while I can shower, instead of waiting until it works with his schedule and not understanding why I haven't showered by 1pm...sheesh! Also, the family either not talked about my pregnancy at all or said, "you're so tense. Why are you so tense? You need to relax."Whaa???!? My dad especially said to me, "I don't know you anymore, I prefer you old happy-go-lucky self". My sister (who wasn't there) said that men especially don't get it - I don't know...sigh. Bright spot was one aunt who I thought would be totally not understanding, and who really actually wanted to TALK about my loss with me...and my grandmother, who is always fabulous.


Anyway, sorry this is AAM. I think I'm just over tired. Posted a somewhat crazy note on the freakout thread, and trying to be a little more together...sigh.


I hope everyone else's day is going okay. I'll post later (probably tomorrow) when I have a night's sleep...

post #148 of 514

oh, ek, it sounds really, really hard (understatement of the century). I wish that your family understood more and could empathize. But seriously, you lost a baby - a full term, beautiful baby - your life has been transformed, and to think that you;d be your happy-go-lucky old self is so damn despairing. I can definitely talk 'crazy' so no need to censor yourself, ek.


Tex, oh, the agony of this is too much. I am right there with you, mama. I wish it was more simple and straightforward. I really cannot believe I'm pregnant and, frankly, every time I do focus in on it I get too frightened because I feel so much more what I will lose. Try not to worry about the brown stringy stuff... it's so normal.


Violet, I really do agree with your midwife friend. I want my friends around me to hold me up if this ends in a loss. Yet, this time, I'm having difficulty sharing this news even though I probably would quite like to. I have told one sister, one friend, my boss (sort of weird but she is new to the university and when I had my recent loss she was so kind and sent flowers, and so forth). I may tell another friend this week... I just don't know. It's much harder to forget about it if I tell too many people. Gah, I so want to enjoy this.


Corgi, thinking of you.


MAnna, you've been quiet over here. Check in when you can, Mama.


Everyone, check in!!


Today I did pee on a few sticks. One pregnancy test and one digital opk. I was stupidly nervous but it was nice to see the line come up dark as soon as the pee hit the strip. I so want this, and yet it is so hard to believe that there will be a baby in June. I have basically stopped working out except yoga as I am so worried about doing anything to harm this baby, and this of course increases my insanity as it is a major help in coping. But, I am trying to come up with things to cheer me up, distract me, make me laugh. Any ideas/? I must admit that I spend a lot of time youtubing old favourite comedy moments and this amuses me and DH no end. I quite like the Whole Food Parking lot spoof video at the moment. Any suggestions?


I am also in grading hell, which is yuck,

post #149 of 514

Texas- Hugs, it's just not an easy journey. I've had 6 losses in the past 2 years....I met someone after I had my 3rd loss and she had gone through 6 losses...I was so sad for her and just couldn't imagine it..now I've past that with 7 total. I'm not saying my situation is any worse than yours..believe me, 1 loss is more than  enough for anyone to go through and I know you've had 2 in a row. It sucks, it's not fair. I wish I had a crystal ball to predict a healthy outcome for everyone...but, I do promise that you will make it through this.  I never thought I would be able to handle this, but somehow I'm still here and pregnant again ready for the gamble. Hang in there, I hope you get in to see your midwife sooner than expected. I just want all of us to be holding our beautiful rainbow children and to be able to share our success stories to help and inspire others.


Zub - Yes, so far my numbers are good, I do have a good feeling, but this is my 4th pregnancy (not counting DD) with good numbers....so I'm still pretty nervous. I've had 3 chemicals that I lost right around 5 weeks..which are still emotionally tough, I don't want to take anything away from having a chemical pregnancy, but my other losses were complete surprises after making great progress. I like the fact that my OB takes me seriously, but getting my betas is so nerve racking when I have to wait 24 hours for results...the last time she called with my numbers, I broke out in a hot sweat and was so nervous. Man, I just want to fast forward time...I want to see the heartbeat 3 weeks in a row and pass the nuchal screening with rainbow colors...okay, I'll stop ranting....when do you go again? As far as taking my mind off of this pregnancy..hmmmm - I try to keep busy with DD, hang out with friends, walk my dog, watch a funny or romantic movie...okay, I'm pretty boring these days..sorry! haha


Manna- Hey, there! How are you?


AFM- Like I haven't said enough about me already..hehe. My in-laws come this week. I have an odd relationship with my MIL...have you seen the show "everybody loves raymond"....well thats how I'm treated..luckily I only have to deal with it 1x a year. They don't know anything about this pregnancy..my DH is not really close with his family, so they don't really know most of what goes on. My MIL told me that I needed to pray more and that I wasn't in control......I told her that I didn't think that my 7 losses was God's plan to teach me about not being in control and if it was then that's just mean....anywho, as you can see, it will be an interesting week. They will be here during my u/s appt as well.... As far as people who know, I've only told DH of course, my mom and a few good friends....I may tell more people after 13 weeks, but I don't want to tell too many people because if something happens then I have to untell everyone as well. I won't tell DD until much later. I'm trying to think positive and take it day by day:)

post #150 of 514

Oof, Stacey, that sounds so tough with your MIL. I am not a religious person but I find it difficult to fathom why people of faith spout off like that. It's so not okay. Good luck with the visit and remember we'll be here with you! I'm also finding DS a complete lifeline at the moment.He is such a big baby - very young for his age - and he's totally loving and sweet. Would love a little sibling for him. We won't even attempt to tell him until I'm showing. He'll have no concept before then.


I next see my Dr on October 14th. I emailed her to ask whether I should be going for my scan before i see her or the week after (she's a family Dr and the fetal maternal place where I have my scans is elsewhere). On the one hand I am desperate for it to be over already, on the other hand I don't want to go through what I went through before with multiple scans and nothing very definitive. Come on November!!!!



post #151 of 514

Geez, a lot of you have some serious negative people and situations to deal with.  So sorry that MIL is like that Stacey.  Gnarly.  And ekandrmkb- your dad did not say the right thing!  People just have no idea!  And to all those multiple losses that so many of you have had- my heart goes out to you.  

Texanromaniac- Hope you are ok.  I said a big prayer for you!  


Take it easy Mamas!  -Violet

post #152 of 514

Whew. I'm tired. Let me take a deep breath here and launch in:


Stacey: I don't have an appointment set up yet. Ugh. [Let me go ahead and explain this (to save time doing it in bits and pieces). DH and I have private insurance but we couldn't possibly afford the maternity rider too. Actually, I don't think it was even offered. Insurance companies who insure individuals have really gotten stingy. Anway, so I have to apply for the state maternity medicaid when I'm pregnant. What that entails is filling out the paperwork, getting an "official" pregnancy test and a paper signed to that effect, a statement of income (can't just use a pay stub because we live in a rectory and things like that), and then set up an interview at the Medicaid office. Then I have to wait for it to be approved. Now, I can see someone in the meantime and they will pay for it retroactively and that helps. I am going to call the OB office tomorrow and see if I can go in just for a test. My option otherwise is to go by the local health department like I did last time. The problem is, I just can't do it. I can't set foot in the place where nothing good happened. That's where they didn't find the heartbeat. That's where, two days later, they told me there was no movement on the ultrasound. And it's such a miserable place anyway. If I can't get the test done at the OB office then I'm going to ask a parishioner who is an OB nurse practitioner to sign my paper after watching me POAS. I know she'll do it. I didn't want to go to an appt before 7 weeks anyway because I want an u/s and I want there to be no chance that it's too early to se a hb. I NEED to see a hb. I didn't have an early loss last time, but being older I know I'm at higher risk. Ick.]


Stacey, I also want to tell you that you are right when you say that God isn't trying to "teach you a lesson". Yes, we don't have control (beyond trying not to cause harm, living healthily, etc.) but he is not killing our babies to try to tell us something. We do not live in a perfect world. People get sick and die. Losing our babies is simply part of that. God made us for life, not death. Anyway, not to try to offend anyone, but I wanted to give you some comfort. I'm sorry about your MIL. My sister kept saying things like "God could have saved or healed Innocent, but he didn't," in a way that made it sound so vindictive. I told her to knock it off. She hasn't really spoken to me since. Oh well. So you're not alone.


Hi Corgi! I'm glad something's sore! (c: I keep surruptitiously poking my breasts to see if they're sore. I hope no on is watching...


Zubeldia: We haven't told the children yet. I told DH that I'm afraid when we tell them they'll be all upset instead of happy because they'll be thinking that history will repeat itself. They only knew about the baby for five days before we found out he was dead so they didn't have a lot of "happy" time with him. I know that the oldest ones will figure it out because I always start getting hot and dizzy in church and have to sit down. I haven't gotten to that stage yet though. None of my family knows. Only one sister will be happy for me. I'll tell her personally and let the rest of them figure it out on the blog when I release it publically. We don't live near anyone so if I didn't tell them that way, they wouldn't ever find out. (I actually did that with one of our stairstep children - I waited until I was 7 1/2 months before telling them. They were not pleased.) As far as what I do to cheer myself up - I mostly use distraction. I'm usually pretty busy but at night before I fall asleep, that's the worst time. All kinds of fears can creep in. I have been reading very light-weight books and falling asleep with the book in my face so I don't have time to think.


Violet: I'm sorry you had that experience at breakfast today. One of the most fantastic things about getting past my due date is not having to look at pregnant women and thinking, "I would be about that big now." (((hugs)))


Texan: Well, God bless you. I guess I hadn't really realized that you were still in the middle of two pregnancies, so to speak, while pregnant this third time. That has got to be so rough. Big (((hugs))). And I think the brown stringy stuff is meaningless. I know that when you're pregnant the blood vessels in your cervix enlarge and are fairly close to the surface so it's really, really easy to cause minor bleeding. Since it's brown, it's old, and probably origninated at least a day or so ago. Sometimes people notice this after BDing and I ALWAYS noticed it after an office exam, no matter what week I was.


Ek: I keep thinking that I can heave a little sigh of relief when I get past 13 weeks and the baby still has a hb (cause that's when I lost the last one) but I think that having lost your child during labor means you're going to be like that up to delivery. I'm so sorry and wish there were something I could say that would help you relax. I can't lie and say that "everything will be fine", but I think that statistically speaking, the odds of you losing another baby during labor (or close to it) are extremely tiny. ((((hugs))))


AFM: I stood through 1 1/2 hours of church (with a few minutes to sit) and then walked to the next church over and stood for another 2 hours for a silent demonstration against abortion. I came home and took a nap! My back still hurts a bit. I warned DH that I'm not doing anything strenuous tonight so it's all up to him! Sheepish.gif I do feel better having passed my due date. I'm really surprised by how much better. It's like coming out from under a really long shadow. I find it hard to get too excited about this pregnancy and have trouble believing it's real. I too keep going back and looking at the photos I took of the pregnancy tests. Irrationally I want to go buy another (but I think I'll restrain myself). I REALLY wish I could just be very excited, tell everyone, go through baby clothes in the attic, etc. Maybe I'll get there eventually. This is a hard road for all of us. I'm glad we have each other to hold each other up.


post #153 of 514

Good morning.


I had my nuchal test/Down Syndrome blood work thingy today.  At the ultrasound part of it, I was fine until they just touched the monitor thingy to my abdomen, then I suddenly was CONVINCED that there would be no heartbeat. Couldn't see anything at first - last scan showed a nice bright pulsating light spot. This time, no. But, that makes sense because there's more development...of course, there was a ton of movement, and obviously it wouldn't be moving if there was no heartbeat - ha. Eventually, did see the heart pumping. But that sucker-punch to the gut feeling is hard to shake.


I have to call to see when we get the results - they were quick in there, a quick finger prick for the bloodwork, and done. I go back next week. Technically 12 weeks, and the tech said she did not see anything strange; but also mentioned that the bloodwork could show a different story. I actually appreciated the honest answer vs., "oh, everything looks fine!" cheeriness that my other practice had - I don't want all doom and gloom, but a realistic way of thinking about pregnancy - i.e., that it doesn't always 100% work out - is actually refreshing.


I think that until I feel movement on my own, I won't assume that baby is fine in there. Thinking about getting a doppler or renting one - anyone here have any experience with that?


I hope everyone else's day is going well. I still need lots of sleep; maybe if I wake up a little more I can come back for some personals - sorry this one is again AAM!

post #154 of 514

Ekandrmkb- Yay for the heartbeat!

post #155 of 514

Yay for a good scan, Ek!


I have my "official" pregnancy test in the morning. That way I can get the paperwork going so that when we get back from vacation I can apply for the maternity Medicaid and make an OB appointment. Sigh.

post #156 of 514

My feelings have gotten ahold of me and I am sad.  Wish I could live in a protective bubble.  A relative posted ultrasound pictures on facebook.  So stupid, but I'm just in tears.  I thought I was a tough cookie but I'm just a pile of mush.  My first trimester will be over right before Thanksgiving.  I've never looked forward to that holiday before, but I am now!  I can't wait!  


Matushka- Hope your appointment goes well.   Did you get an appointment with an OB so that you don't have to go to the clinic?  


Does anyone have a recommendation for the best "pregnancy week by week" on the internet?  Wish Mothering had hers up and running.  

post #157 of 514

Violet, probably most of us were "tough cookies" but losing a baby does something to you that leaves you so vulnerable. I've been a pile of mush more times than I can count since March. Lord have mercy. (((hugs)))


I WAS able to get in to the OB office for a test tomorrow (no doctor, just lab) so I shouldn't have to ever set foot in the health department again!!! Woo hoo!!! I'm going to see about an appointment after we get back from vacation (we'll be gone all next week).


I'd be interested in people's opinions of the best week by week site too.


toddling off....sleepytime.gif

post #158 of 514

Good morning, everyone!


EK, oh, love, I could just feel the panic for you. I wish that it were easier. For my friend there did come a time where she believed more and more that she would get to take a baby home. It didn't come until the third trimester but she felt more hopeful as time went on. Thinking of you so much,


V, thinking about you, too. This is such a torrid time of emotions for me, too, We can lean on each other here, and we all get it. How are you doing today?


MAnna, oof, the insurance stuff adds a layer of complexity that I would find overwhelming. Yay for not having to go back to the same place, but, you know, this stuff should be easier. Are you feeling anymore pregnant?


Corgi? Everyone? How are you all doing?


Totally busy at work which is making it difficult to fully check in, and also we're building a house and all of a sudden i am dealing with vanities and trying to find some affordable countertop for the kitchen as we are soooooo over budget. We're going to be so poor once we move but I will be so much closer to work (I commute over 45 minutes each way), right next to the beach, we'll have a state park less than a mile away and out back yard abuts acres of conserved woodland. But we'll have no money! Worth it, right? Added to this DS was UP, yes UP, at 2:30am yesterday and so that was a long day. I've just sent him to nursery when he's a bit poorly and I htink we're going to get a phone call to pick him up. I don't feel like a good mama for sending him but I am stressed beyond reasonable at work. I am chair of the department and the role does not come easy to me.


Anyway, I am trying not to freak out all of the time...


Do you guys mind if I share a pic we just got back from the photoshoot we had done of DS a month ago? Hope it's okay...



post #159 of 514

What a beautiful portrait!!!


I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed at work. (((hugs))) I can tell there's pressure on my bladder (I can't just "roll over and go back to sleep" anymore for one), but I've been hungrier and not sick. I keep having the "I'm not really pregnant, AF just hasn't started for some reason" feeling. Maybe I'll feel more pregnant after this morning's test. Or maybe not. At least when I go in an office absolutely plastered with BABY things I won't totally fall apart. DH said (when I told him yesterday that "it's really going to be some visit") that he felt like it was more of a 'march of triumph' or something - to go back into the office this time pregnant instead of because I was miscarrying. That's true. I guess 5 weeks just doesn't feel very pregnant. I mean, there's not much to do.

post #160 of 514

Well, completely didn't even pop in here yesterday!! Got it in my head that our home office MUST be clean and organized (it hasn't FULLY been there since I had Bug...over two years ago)...so I spent a good chunk of the day on that and then watched Terra Nova on Hulu during Bug's naptime. It's awesome, but I did kinda worry that the intense jumpy feeling I got with watching the dinosaur attacks on there might not necessarily be so great right now!! 


No more stringy brown spotting since Sunday afternoon, so I'm relieved. I didn't even have blood immediately after intimacy last night (which I'd had some twice after intimacy last week prior to the BFP) so I am super happy. I think we are gonna have to keep things simple in the intimacy department till I get past the milestone of where I lost Paisley just so if there is a little blood I don't completely freak out!! 


I am already past the milestone of where I lost Riley...so YAY!! Baby is sticking so far at least!! I think I will be okay with waiting till next Tuesday now to go in to get my levels checked. I still don't know if I've got any real pregnancy symptoms yet cause I'm still dealing with the tail end of head cold crud. I mean, yeah, there's been nausea a few times...but that could be more from the three day headache that went along with the head cold...as I've had nausea before with migraines (which I've had to deal with since 1998, ugh). I've had a couple of food cravings, but I think those are just regular cravings vs. pregnancy ones...cause I don't think I'm far enough along for those!! Now, I did feel like gagging when cracking eggs to cook for my little guy yesterday...the raw egg was grossing me out...so that might be my first food aversion...who knows?


Anyway, I'm freshly showered and Bug just informed me that the episode of Jay Jay that I'd set him up with is over...so now I'm off to get us dressed and run a couple quick errands and then it's back to dealing with this messy office!! I tell you what, piles of papers are the most boring thing to sort through and they take forever!! This office is my secret shame...yes, the minimalist chick who keeps the rest of the house as close to model home as she can (at least when people might pop by) has a room she hides away from people where the papers are piled up and that becomes the catch-all when doing those last minute run throughs of the house when people are coming by...tossing the random things in here!!


I'm gonna try to start doing persies when I can now. My September time off from spending so much time on the computer is over and I think that I at least need to keep up with this thread, the Hope, Healing, and Conceiving Again thread, and the 2011 in 2011 decluttering thread...if nothing else!!

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