Expecting our RAINBOW babies - graduates of "hoping, healing & conceiving again" tread 2011 - Page 3

[zubeldia]

Ugh, I just feel F'ing lousy for being so many things on the other TTCAL threads: douche-like, insensitive, self-centered, stupid, and many, many more things. (Sorry, especially to milk for posting what is probably an unreliable, un-replicated study). I would be sad and cross too, And I do think it's a special kind of hell when you have no children. I don;t know that the longing is different (at least for me, and I was surprised \by that) but when you lose a baby first time mums also are mourning the loss of being a Mum, full-stop.

Anyway, I just don't know what to to. I truly don't believe that I'll be taking a baby home at the end of this, and when some real hope seeps in I feel so utterly stupid, like I am setting myself up.

[MegEliz]

Originally Posted by Gemmine 

still 

I personally was not offended by you or anyone else Manna. I felt so happy looking at the 10 who moved on this month! I just posted that because if I get one, I feel like it'll be rubbing salt in the wound of everyone else after this explosion b/c it'll be a few days after said explosion. And I'm already seeing hurt feelings. Everyone who has gotten a BFP has pretty much posted pictures; it's the norm. But I'm pretty sure 10 has never happened in one month in recent memory on here! Anyhoo rambling, I'll duck out and let you preggies pregnate (whatever that means LOL). But don't ever feel like you can't post in the other thread!

Agree with both you an Diana - DO not feel like you shouldnt have posted anything remotely expressing excitement. I love you all and am so thankful to have you for support and just bc you are preggo does not mean that i want to stop supporting all of you! I will be lurking here daily just as well. I want to continue to share in your journey if you will have me
 

[zubeldia]

Gem, Meg, and Diana... thanks for your words, it means a lot. You better believe that we'll be stalking you lot, too!

[slshoe128]

Ok, found the thread thanks to Zub:)

I'm Stacey, I've had 7 losses and have 1 healthy daughter who will be 4 in January. So far my first beta was good 485 at a little over 4 weeks. I like to wait until my u/s to really say how far along I am since I don't know my exact O day since I don't temp and get 2-3 days of +opk and my LP is usually 12 days. Going by my LMP, I would be 5 weeks on thursday, but that's usually not accurate for me since my cycles are not exactly 28 days. I usually add a few days to that date.  FX that my number doubles and I get to have my u/s possibly next friday (Sept 30th) or the following Monday (Oct 3rd).

I guess I will say I'm about 4 1/2 weeks, due the first week of June and this is pregnancy #9 for me, but child #2

Edited by slshoe128 - 9/28/11 at 6:31am

[hildare]

i am so glad to see so many mamas here!!!  can i pop in too?

we're expecting our rainbow babe in february 2012. 

our other dd is actually a rainbow herself too!  she came after an ectopic, and this february babe will be here after two early losses (a blighted ovum & an early/chemical pg)

but so far, we're doing great-- feeling movement etc. 

[slshoe128]

Hildare! Glad to see you here and that your pregnancy is doing great!

Zub- Hugs to you! I've never thought of you as insensitive or anything like that, please don't be so hard on yourself:) And, I know you are nervous, I am too, but your numbers look good and that's a positive step.....we can get through these hurdles together! When is your u/s? Are you going to do the nuchal screening between 11-13 weeks? I know it's not routine, but I need to rule of out chromosomal issues like with my xxx69....I know I mention that loss a lot, but my EDD for her is coming up (would have been born in November) and she looked great until the heart stopped, I was SO sure she was my rainbow....I'm so scared of that happening again.

AFM-  I don't exactly have the best track record.....but, we are all here on this journey and I have decided that this baby is going to have a great heartbeat, continue to grow strong, pass the nuchal screening with flying rainbow colors and just continue to cook during a nice boring routine pregnancy that ends in a successful VBAC with a healthy baby in my arms who grows into a healthy productive member of society....can I hear your goals/dreams too? Let's try to focus on our desired outcomes:)  How is everyone feeling?

Note- I had an emergency c-sec with my DD bc my OB failed to believe me that my DD was breech until I was an hour away from pushing (I knew from 30 weeks on and she just didn't trust my opinion) .......needless to say, I don't have the same OB.

Edited by slshoe128 - 9/28/11 at 6:55am

[zubeldia]

HIldare, welcome! So happy that your pregnancy is going well! It's so good to have so many of us here... I know that more will join us soon!

Stacey, thanks for the reassurance. I feel a bit douche-like because I honestly didn't even stop for a moment to think about how my news would impact upon others. It's such an emotional time, too, and I'm glad for this space and for all of you lot.

I think focusing on desired outcome sounds like a good idea. I keep thinking that if I fear the worst I'm somehow protecting myself, but the reality is I just make myself more miserable. So, in June, we'll all have these bundles of joy and commiserate about sleepless nights but also share the joy of everything LOs bring. I am not sure about the nuchal screening. I didn't get it done with DS but I did have the 16 week screening done. It makes total sense that you would go that route, though. I don't yet have my first scan booked as my Dr was out yesterday (just spoke with her nurse to say they'd be in touch). I imagine that I'll have it the week of the 10th, but, you know, I may wait until week 7 because we saw a HB at 6 weeks last time and, actually, again at 7 weeks, but by the end of week 8 the heartbeat had stopped. It's going to be hard to walk back into the fetal monitoring place.

I so hope you get that vbac! I work at a medical school and I can tell you that so many of the clinical people think they are God-like. It is very frustrating. How are you liking your new OB?

How is everyone else doing? I am very behind in work but finding it all but impossible to focus on anything that is not pregnancy related. I have a sharp pain in my side (so of course I'm googling the heck out of ectopic pregnancy ) but I do seem to remember having this exact same pain with DS and then I think it might have been a corpus luteum cyst, or something. Mostly this hasn't yet sunk in... I'm looking forward to the end of November!

[ekandrmkb]

Hello! Just catching up here on this thread...I may be posting persies backwards, as it's easier to remember - ha.

Zub - I like your image of June! Also, I am getting the nuchal screening done on Monday (or started, I think it's a 2-step process?). I asked my new OB about genetic testing or amnio/CVS, if he recommended it based on my loss, and he said, "well, what would we test for?" Meaning, we COULD test but since we don't know what happened last time, and you can test amniotic fluid for so many things, it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. I think it was his way of basically telling me that we can't control everything. So, I'll get the tests I did for my other pregnancies, and see what happens. I know the feeling too, of walking back in to get that ultrasound - my first ultrasound for this pregnancy was actually at my old doctor's office, and as soon as I stepped in the door my anxiety went through the roof. I took it as a good sign that I needed to go elsewhere. I hope it's not that way for you, but that you get over the hump of the first screening to see that flashing heartbeat...oh, and something my therapist recommended - if you are really nervous, just tell the tech; I did that and she walked me through everything she was seeing and shared it with us, which was SO very helpful.

Shoe - go, go, VBAC! Excellent. As for me, I wish I had a way to (if it gets that far) get this little one out through magic, because I have major PTSD from my second birth - both were V, but I'm 95% certain I'm doing elective C this time around because I know I can't emotionally handle labor. However, C scares me to death. I have to keep reminding myself that I have a long time to go before I have to make a final decision (and lots of steps to get there), but both options just don't seem the best for me. I've had friends who really want a VBAC and sometimes have to research doctors to find someone who is supportive; but it CAN happen. For sure.

Hildare - great to "see" you! I was just wondering how you were doing....movement??? Wow. So glad things are progressing well.

Meg and Gem and Diana and Sila- thanks so much. I feel like a tool. I have been visiting the board and posting about first appointments etc., and just wanting to share because I feel bonded with everyone...I hope I did not offend either. Sigh. It's such a fine line. I will DEFINITELY be lurking on the TTCAL thread too, so we'll all be cross-lurkers...

I know I'm forgetting stuff, but I had a lot of catching up to do...!

AFM - well, I'm traveling tonight, nervously. First time with just me and DS1 since he was 3 months old, which will be a LOT different! And, rain. Fun. Not a good flyer. Used to take Xanax AND a glass of wine pre-flight, but of course neither is a good option now; and I only did that when DH was traveling too so I could space out a bit. Ha.

Monday is my next appt. Next one after that in 2 weeks. I'll be 12 weeks if this pg lasts until Sunday. Can't believe it.

As for hopes for the future - I wish any hopes I had were not tied up in just surviving this experience. The best I can currently do is that I have a great fear of getting a C and bleeding out or something (crazy, I know, chances of that are super duper small) and dying. So, that NOT happening is my hope, obviously. Argh - wish I was more positive! I have tried to picture a real, live baby at the end of this process and so far I can't. I WILL be working on that, though. I'll borrow all of your hopes and dreams in the meantime (if that's okay).

[CorgiMommy]

*UPDATED - please check if correct?*

Hi ladies, hope everyone is having a great day.  I would also like to keep a updated list of all U/S's, so we know when everyone is going - so we can stalk you for news!!! 

Zub - I know it is difficult at times to stay positive, but we have to otherwise we will go insane!  You need to make the mind shift to assure yourself that this baby IS ok, and WILL ALWAYS BE OK, so you can just enjoy every moment.  I know it is easier said than done - but there is a a lot of power in positive thinking, and I for one am going to give it a try.  I am also sorry that we need to have the stress of the 'emotions' we caused on the HH&C thread as well.  They are our friends, and I was so happy about my news - I think I was one of the 1st ones, and I just posted BFP's all over the place - with no regard to my friends feelings .  I suppose all we can really do now, is keep our pregnancy whose and news separate from that thread, and keep stalking them and encouraging them until they also graduate - as I KNOW every one of them WILL!!!  ( that is me practicing the power of positive thinking again)

MegEliz - Do you know how special you make us feel if you POP in, I love it - and I think while you can come and check up on us, we all know that moods and emotions go up and down during the month when TTC after loss, so whenever you can PLEASE come and chat.  I am still stalking you and can't wait for you to come and join us on a more permanent basis!!!

Slshoe - Thanks for joining, I will wait until your first OB app, and then we should have a clearer picture of how many weeks you are.  have put you as +-5 weeks for the moment.  I'm am thinking of you, and just have faith that this will be your take home rainbow baby.  So exiting, isn't it???

Hildare - Feeling movement - WOW can't wait!  How many weeks are you now?  Do you know the sex of the baby yet?

Anna - Where are you pregnant lady????

ME - I am getting a bit unhappy with this cramps.  The severity went down end of last week, and today it is REALLY painfull.  I have taken quite a bit of painkillers (paracetamol) but it is not helping.  Freaking me out even more is the fact that it is so intense, and constant and only on left side.  But I shall not panic (yet) and just take it slow for today and tonight and see what tomorrow brings.

I am going to increase the pregnancy weeks every Monday if that OK with all, as it will be a bit difficult to do it as everyone progresses from week to week.  Also let me know as soon as you have a OB appointment with u/s booked, so i can start a separate list for that and try and keep it updated.  What exersize are you ladies doin at the moment, I know uite a few of the ladies were running, and I turned to yoga due to my walking difficulties.

Who wants to know the sex of their new baby?

[diana_of_the_dunes]

Originally Posted by zubeldia 

I feel a bit douche-like because I honestly didn't even stop for a moment to think about how my news would impact upon others.

Crashing again, sorry...  But I feel obligated to say that nobody did anything wrong!!  It was simply the fact that there were 11 BFPs so close together.  And since we had 11 excited, scared, overwhelmed women posting at once, it may have made the board seem a little daunting and not-as-safe to newcomers.  And inadvertently hurtful to those who have been there a while.  But on an individual, one-on-one basis, everybody did exactly what they were supposed to do: post pictures, gush a bit, and freak out.  So all of you obsessers out there, nobody was trying to point fingers (or at least I sure wasn't!) or single anyone out.  It was just that the entire atmosphere changed (temporarily) over the past few days because there was so much good luck this month.

/soapbox

[loveandlight33]

Hi, I'd like to join you ladies too. I have wanted more people to talk to but the PAL thread is super slow, so I am glad there is a place to chat a little more often. I am 15 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child, I guess 4th pregnancy. I had a loss previous to this pregnancy (for the chart you can just say I had 1 loss, I don't necessarily believe that spirit went to heaven, in fact maybe the same spirit is with me now, who knows). I'm due mid March. We aren't having an ultrasound at all, so we aren't finding out the sex.

I have been lurking on TTCAL for several months since PAL is so darn slow, rooting everyone along. I feel sad that there are hurt feelings, but certainly understand. There were a LOT of BFPs this month. But there are also a LOT of members right now, and it is more like a normal TTC thread with lots of BFPs. Many of the people on the TTC also get hurt feelings because they want to be there too. It is an emotionally charged issue, but I think everyone will move through it okay. Just a thought.

We are going on vacation this weekend & have no idea whether we will have internet access or not, so I may not be around to check in, but I will be thinking of everyone. Congrats again on all the new pregnancies!

[CorgiMommy]

Diana - I must admit, if this had to happen and I was not one of the blessed few BFP's, I would have been crushed.  I know it sounds unsuportive, but we just cant help feeling what we feel - and I know how I felt when there was 3 BFP's on 'the one thread' I freaked out and looked for a safe refuge with the HH&C thread.  Like you said, it probly didn't seem so safe for everyone else the last week with the BFP's comming out on top of each other.

ME - The cramping seems to have slowed down a bit so that does make me feel a lot better.  I have a reall stuffy nose, I remember having this with my other pregnancies - does anyone else get this?  Otherwise I'm all good, had a long walk this moning, as I wont be able to do it tomorow as to many erants to run!!

[M Anna]

Peeking out...

Quick update on me:

• Cramping gone or so little as to be unnoticeable. (c: Yay! No spotting, not that I haven't checked, lol!
• Told some friends who were very excited (most of them have little babies - some of them had babies after I lost mine - some are pregnant) and relieved.
• Haven't told my friend who is currently waiting to miscarry. :(
• Was out and about earlier and bought an updated copy of "What to expect when you're expecting". Figured it was time for a new copy! My old one went to a sister and is over 12 years old anyway. I can't wait to curl up and read it! (:
• No symptoms. I usually don't start in with the sore BBs or nausea, funny tastes, aversion to cooking smells, etc., until a little later anyway, so that doesn't worry me.
• No appt booked yet, not planning on having any screening done, would love to find out sex (and would like to have a 4D u/s since I haven't ever had one!)

Zub: You'd better get excited, girl! I promise, I'll hound you until you do!

Corgi: We seem to be on the same schedule since the cramping is going away for both of us. I don't know if that makes you feel any better.

Sommer: Welcome! I hope you enjoy your vacation!

Ek! 12 weeks! Wow!

Stacey: I'm trying to focus on both outcome and "now". I can't go back in time and fix what went wrong before and there's not much I can do to guarantee a good outcome this time. I guess I'm along for the ride!

Hildare: Welcome to you too! I looked on the PAL board but it didn't seem to have a place for me, so I think I'll stay here. Movement! I am SO looking forward to that because I didn't get to feel it last time. He was moving, just not big enough for me to feel it before he died.

Hello to everyone else! I'll keep posting if I can keep my big foot out of my mouth!

[slshoe128]

Corgi-  I know I'm not yet 5 weeks, more like 4 1/2:) It's not a big deal, we can update when/if I make it to my u/s appt:) This is an exciting and anxious time, but at least we are all here together...... How are you feeling?

Manna- Glad you bought a new baby book, hey that's positive thinking!! No, we can't fix the past, but at least we have hope for a better outcome:) I'm glad we are on this ride together!

Zub- I like my new OB, I've been seeing her for about a year and she does support the idea of a VBAC, I don't want to jump the gun just yet, but at least I know it's an option when/if I get my rainbow. There are quite a few hurdles yet to overcome, but I want all the u/s I can have....if I make it out of the 1st trimester, I am actually going to order a doppler machine so I can hear the heartbeat whenever I want as well:)

Yes, I want to know the gender of the baby - I honestly don't really have a strong desire toward either gender, just want a healthy baby, but also want to know whether to buy blue or pink:)

[M Anna]

shoe: My sister has a doppler she offered me when I announced my last pregnancy. Of course, we found out he was dead a few days later so she didn't send it. I was actually so afraid she had already gotten a lot of stuff in the mail to me and that I would have to get it and go through it. Thank heavens she's a procrastinator like me! I'm going to get her to send it to me this time. I just need that reassurance. I'm sure we all do. I mentioned a long time ago that my OB promised I could have an u/s every appointment if I needed it to not go crazy. Nice man. (c: I just can't wait for the first u/s so I can see the hb. I'm going to make sure I don't schedule too early so I'll definitely see it.

[thecountrymouse]

Hello Mamas,

Sommer- that is very interesting what you said about your babies spirit and heaven.   I have a strong sense that my last baby wasn't ready for this human life.  I have a very strong presence of another spirit right now.  So does my husband and my mom.  We didn't feel this way this last time.  Don't know if it's the same spirit or not.  

Corgimommy- We will find out the sex.  I want to know.  I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, or twins!  I just want this to work out.

I can relate to these conversations about our perspective as expectant mothers who have lost babies.  I am just elated right now.  And every time my mind goes to a dark place I pull myself out and stop thinking and just be positive.  It's almost like being positive is being neutral.  The negative is just speculation.  

So I'm trying to figure out when I will call the doctor and which doctor's office I will go to.  I have the sweet old man doctor who I only know through the miscarriage.  He was AMAZING but he is straight as an arrow.  The other option is the local pregnancy clinic where the midwifes and alternative doctors work.  Both places are staffed with caring people.  

How soon did you all call the doctor when you found out you were pregnant?  Are you going to the same doctor as you did with the miscarriage(s)?  

When will people tell siblings?  My daughter is six.  I think I will wait until she figures it out on her own.  She can read and she saw the pregnancy test box.  That was confusing- "There is a test for that!?!"  But I just mumbled that it was a grown up thing.  She will just know as soon as I say that, "I am really really really tired and I just want to lay on the couch and you can have cereal for dinner."  

-Violet

[CorgiMommy]

hallo Sommer - great of you to join us, will update you now.

MAnna - Great to hear from you.  I am so glad you are taking the bull by the horns and getting yourself up to date with the 'new' stuff.  I got a pregnancy magazine, but a bit depressing for me to see all the nice baby stuff - but no money to buy ANYTHING for this little one!  He/she will have to go on hand-me-downs, but I will make up for it in all the love and attention a baby could possibly need!  being a stay at home mom has really opened new doors to me!  you can take the foor out of your mouth and post, here we can discuss ANYTHING and the poeple that come and stalk, really WANT to hear everything otherwise they wont come.  xx

Ek - I hope your trip goes well, and that you can take it slowly and DS is not too difficult for mommy.  I can fully understand that a C might be the best option for you, the most important thing is what makes you the most comfortable.

I am hoping to have another natural birth, I hate the thought of a C.  I can't make a OB appointment untill she sees my betas next week. ugh, but will probly be around end of October.  I definatly want to know the sex, I have one of both sexes so not desperate for any particular sex, but as my baby I lost was a little girl - that would be a extra blessing for me, but like I said as long as my baby is healthy I dont care.  

Has anyone made any big lifestyle changes yet?  I went off caffiene - cold turkey!  Bought myself the best quality decaff I could find (cost a fortune) and stocked up on herbal tea.  Drinking 2.5l water a day, and really watching what I eat, already have about 10kg extra on me from last pregnancy (actually eating too much, but what ever works), so I need to make sure I do not gain anything now.

[CorgiMommy]

Hi Viletray - thats funny about cereal for dinner - I have not done that in months!!!!  My kids LOVE cereal for dinner!  I did unfortunatly tell DS and DD, but they were very much disinterested, as no baby came last time so they dont really belive there will be one this time.

Slshoe  - I am much better, cramps gone now.  Had a nap this afternoon, as I need to make chocolates for some cakes we have on order this weekend.  

I hate month ends - finantial pressure really stresses me out, it seems like I am living on the edge all the time these days!  Well at least now I have something to look forward to and take my mind of problems and make me concentrate on my work at home.  just so hard with a 3year old at home.

[slshoe128]

Violettray- I'm going to wait until after my nuchal test  (at 11-13 weeks) to consider telling DD..I've just had too many losses to share the news this early. Also, I have had 3 different OBs..my current OB has been great to do whatever I want as far as monitoring and testing and had been with me through 3 losses. Also, she will do a VBAC for me as well:)

EK- Ok, my c-sec wasn't horrible, but I think it could have been better if it had been planned. I just want a VBAC to avoid the surgery and all the drugs..my body doesn't tolerate meds well and I'm allegeric to a lot of meds. Honestly, though, it wasn't the worst thing either and I had a speedy recovery, so don't be scared, just do what will make you feel the most at ease and comfortable.  On a different note, I always liked when you stopped by the hope and healing thread to update us...I like to hear success stories:)

Corgi- Glad you are feeling better and can you send some chocolate my way....I'm kinda a choc-o-holic...especially with dark chocolate! haha!

[Rainey Daye]

Subscribing and wanted to comment on this. I totally get what you are saying. The four months or so after I lost Riley and was on "The ONE" TTC threads it was almost crushing to see people come and go when all I wanted was a sticky baby. Then when I lost Paisley that was the main reason I only popped my head into a single "The ONE" thread and then left. It was just too hard. 

It's a bit different here, cause we've all been there with our losses, but I agree that even as happy as we are for all the BFP's it still can feel like a sucker punch every time a new BFP is announced. It's a bit easier to be happy for the ladies we've gotten to know through commiseration, but it's still hard.

All that to say, I hope that whenever my time comes to move to this thread that I can announce it in such a way as to be as gentle as possible to those still waiting for their rainbows!!

Originally Posted by diana_of_the_dunes 

Crashing again, sorry...  But I feel obligated to say that nobody did anything wrong!!  It was simply the fact that there were 11 BFPs so close together.  And since we had 11 excited, scared, overwhelmed women posting at once, it may have made the board seem a little daunting and not-as-safe to newcomers.  And inadvertently hurtful to those who have been there a while.  But on an individual, one-on-one basis, everybody did exactly what they were supposed to do: post pictures, gush a bit, and freak out.  So all of you obsessers out there, nobody was trying to point fingers (or at least I sure wasn't!) or single anyone out.  It was just that the entire atmosphere changed (temporarily) over the past few days because there was so much good luck this month.

/soapbox