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Expecting our RAINBOW babies - graduates of "hoping, healing & conceiving again" tread 2011 - Page 22

post #421 of 514

joy.gif3SurfBoys and a potential baking SurfGirl!

post #422 of 514

Hello? Anyone there? Ok, this board has been pretty quiet lately! How is everyone? Corgi? Zub?


Welcome 3Surfboys:) Glad our group is growing!

post #423 of 514

Hi Mamas- Hope all's well!  I am actually ok today, queazy but not as dire as the previous week.  I had some energy work done today and it was amazing!  I am going to be positive and when the negative thoughts start in, then I'll just stop thinking.  I'm seven weeks today.  

Corgi- please change my name on the roster to "thecountrymouse." (Previously "violetray") Thanks!

How is everyone?  -countrymouse

post #424 of 514

Thanks mamabutterfly luxlove.gif  You are right, this bfp came right under the wire.  I'm excited to have this chance!  One day at a time.


Thanks again, Gem, MAnna!


Glad to be here slshoe :)  and hoping for some more new graduates SOON!

post #425 of 514

Countrymouse- Glad you are finding some relief:) What energy work did you have done? Reiki? I love Reiki and Acupuncture! My friend is a master level Reiki worker:) When is your next appt?


3surf- That would be great if LOTS of friends from our old thread became graduates very soon!


MAnna- How are you?


Zub- When do you go back to the doctor? I have been thinking about you a lot:)


Corgi- You've been quiet, how are you? When is your u/s?


Texas- I think you changed your name, can't remember the new one...how are you?


AFM- Not much to report. I feel ok in the morning and then as the day goes on I feel like I have the flu. So, not much has changed:) I'm just waiting for my next u/s on Nov 4th.

post #426 of 514
Thread Starter 

Hi sorry for my quiteness this weekend.  had BIG dogshows during the last two weeks, but all over and done now - and we did very well! I am just very tired and struggling a bit with nausea during the day, but I feel healthy.  Am gaining too much weight for my liking and can't understand it.  I have actually been eating less due to the nausea, but just keep gaining!  Going on the 31st for our first US, and it looks like my DH will be there as well.  otherwise I am doing OK.  My kids are really giving me a hard time at the moment, expecially DS of 3.  he is just rude and shouts at me all the time, and I am not use to it, it also makes me scared as I know if he does that in front of DH he will really get it, and I don't like that ether.  I suppose it is a stage and it will pass as well.


Zub - Have not heard from you, when are you going for another US?


Anna - Am sure everything is just fine with your little baby.  


Please look at these and put any changes in bold please?



Vermillion - 31 weeks and expecting baby #3, 1 child in heaven - EDD - December 2011 - Team babyboy.gif


hildare - 24 weeks and expecting baby # 4, 2 children in heaven - EDD - February 2011


Sommer - 20 weeks and expecting baby # 4, 1 baby loss - EDD Feb 2012?


Cameragirl - ? weeks and expecting baby 3, 1 child in heaven - EDD 11 March 2012 -  Team babyboy.gif


Ekandrmkb - 15 weeks and expecting baby #3, 1 child in heaven, EDD 12 April 2012


Slshoe128 - 8 weeks and expecting baby # 9, 7 children in heaven, EDD June 2012


CorgiMommy - 8 weeks and expecting baby #4, 1 child in heaven  - EDD - 2 June 2012


Khylie2011 - 8 weeks and expecting baby #2, 1 child in heaven - EDD - 2 June 2012


MatushkaAnna - 8 weeks and expecting baby #7, 1 child in heaven - EDD - 3 June 2012


Zubeldia -  8 weeks and expecting baby #3, 1 child in heaven  - EDD - 4 June 2012


Viletray - 8 weeks and expecting baby #3, 1 child in heaven - EDD June 2012


Rainy Daye- 8 weeks and expecting baby 4, 2 children in heaven - EDD - June 2012



post #427 of 514



Ok, I guess you need to change mine to 7 weeks and EDD June 8, 2012. Sigh.


Zub? How are you doing? I've been thinking about you a lot.


Corgi, good to hear from you! I'm glad you're doing ok. Maybe you've got more than one in there!


Countrymouse (cute!): Glad you're doing ok too.


Stacey: Glad the nausea isn't killing you! Only about a week and a half until that ultrasound!


Laura: I had been thinking the same thing about squeaking in under the wire! I remembered how if this month didn't do it you were seriously thinking of calling it quits. I'm so glad that didn't happen!


Hi! everyone else! Too tired to page back, but I'm thinking about everyone.


AFM: Not much. Feeling somewhat nauseated if I don't eat - which is reassuring - and checking every night in bed for the top of my fundus. I "pop" early from having a stretched out uterus so I think I can feel it now even though I'm only 7+3. I'm waiting for my sister's doppler to come in the mail so I can start checking for a HB. How early has anyone been able to hear it? Keeping in mind that my uterus is about on a 10week level now. I keep having fears that the baby has already died and I just don't know it yet. I hope this is irrational fear rather than intuition.


post #428 of 514

Welcome 3surfboys, so glad you got a BFP this month! So excited for you to be joining us.


Stacey, I felt the exact same during the first trimester. Morning I felt great, and come about 1-2 every day it would start plummeting. I knew when it was 2 even if there was no clock around.


I forgot to tell you guys that my dd tooth turned out to be healing itself, so no root canal or other scary dental procedure! It was a huge relief. Otherwise, I've been spending all my time looking into a homeschool curriculum I want to use (we've been mostly unschooling) and finishing up around this house. Can't wait to get home, it should be soon now!


Corgi, if you could change my name on the roster that'd be great. I'm due March 2012, not February. And if you are updating Mondays, you can put me at 19 weeks, I won't be 20 weeks until Friday. Geez, I can't believe in just a few days I'll be officially to the half way point.


Zub, we're all thinking about you, hope you are doing ok.

post #429 of 514

That's me...I'm okay...still haven't gotten in to see anyone yet and I'm kind of nervous about the next couple weeks. I was seven weeks and five days when I started losing Paisley and nine weeks four days when the miscarriage ended and the baby had passed. I'm at seven weeks and one day right now with this little bean and am trying not to stress myself out with too much worry. I've second-guessed every ache and pain...backaches and round ligament pain...as well as constantly checking the toilet paper when I go. I've had three different times with a bit of brown stringy spotting (VERY light) which can be traced back to bedroom activities...but still scary even so!!  Nausea comes and goes...and of course when it ISN'T a constant, I start worrying again!!


All in all though, my Bug has kept me hopping enough to keep my mind off if it continually...what with asthma attacks, a new found peanut allergy and the subsequent trip to the hospital, and him catching every possible cold and fever he can!! Between him and trying to get/keep the house in better shape (it kind of went to pot around the miscarriage in August)...I am keeping myself busy when I am not feeling yuck.


I do wish my family wouldn't drag me into the middle of their drama though...it just stresses me out and that is the last thing I need right now. One of my kid sisters got out of the military and split with her husband recently. She moved "home" with her two kids and it's a bit of a mess right now. My sister's life is a big mess and she needs to get things straightened out, but my parents also have to realize that she is a 26 year old grown woman and that SHE is the mother to those children and that they most DEFINITELY don't need to be dragging me into the middle of their squabbles with her!!

Originally Posted by slshoe128 View Post

Texas- I think you changed your name, can't remember the new one...how are you?

Oh, and Corgi....I am only at seven weeks right now (EDD June 10th). My new weeks start on Sundays, so that works great if you are updating on Mondays.


post #430 of 514

Can anyone else relate to this?


I'm spending part (not too much) of the time feeling a bit nauseated and a good part of the time feeling really tired. Both of these are reassuring (my worst fear is a missed miscarriage that I'm just totally ignorant of) but it's not great that I sit around a lot feeling like the blob. When I try to tell myself to think positive and get a move on, if I get an energy surge from this then I worry thinking "I've got some energy! I must have lost the baby!" and then I get depressed and anxious and back to being the blob.




[I did cancel the appt with asshat and confirm an appt with the better doctor on November 14th. I'll probably have an ultrasound that day too, but of course I'm not sure.]

post #431 of 514

MAnna- I can relate to the nausea coming and going and definite tiredness as well. My nausea hits in the afternoon and comes on worse in the evening. Just because you  haven't been feeling very sick at all doesn't mean much, I think you are totally fine. I have friends who sailed through their first trimesters without any real symptoms. Everyone is just different. Also, I've also miscarried when I felt extreme nausea the whole time and had no idea my baby stopped growing.....so really I don't think it means much either way. I'm nervous too, times when I feel ok, I do start to question things...but honestly, the only thing we can do is wait and see, hope for the best and try to nuture our babies the best we can. Hugs! When is your next appointment?


Corgi- Glad you checked in:) You have my dream job...I love animals so much! Sorry you are having a rough time with your kiddos..this too shall pass:) If you want, you can add my EDD - June 3rd, that's the date my OB is going by since that is according to my last period, but my u/s puts me at June 1st or 2nd....I'm really not stressing about an exact date because most babies don't come on the due date anyway. DD came 10 days early:)


Rainey Day- Okay, how did I forget your new name...hehe. Sorry you are having a rough time with family drama:) Hang in there:) Also,  I hope you can fill your week with fun things so you can skate right through this week and pass the point where you started losing Paisley.



post #432 of 514

ANNND right after I posted that I've just had VERY light brown spotting, but it's not too worrisome...I go to the bathroom about 20 minutes ago and there's a tiny bit of color on the paper and a long decent bit of brown stringy stuff in the toilet. I'm going to go lay down for the rest of the day and try not to dwell on it...but it's gonna be hard!!

post #433 of 514

Corgi- I am seven weeks, due on June 10th (exactly the same as Rainey.)  Please change my name on the roster to "thecountrymouse" instead of "violetray"  Thanks!

Stacey- The energy work I had yesterday doesn't have a name.  It was really amazing.  I am going for acupuncture this afternoon.  

Rainey- I have also had the tiniest bit of brown stringy stuff yesterday and today.  Crappy but nothing I can do.

I just got out of bed.  Not as much nausea as days past but still can't eat anything but tiny bites of yogurt, fruit, and a couple cashews.  Going to spend the day on the couch folding laundry.

Matushka- I can relate! But I try to just remember the facts and think good thoughts.  I am also getting a doppler but I'm not going to even try to use it until the 10 week.  Glad you canceled your appointment with the asshat!  

Oh Zubeldia- When will we hear from you?

We are getting a new fence this week!  Between our house and one neighbor.  There already is a big fence and trees between us and the other neighbor. We will have privacy!  

KIT everyone!  -thecountrymouse


post #434 of 514

Hi everyone. (sorry this is AAM!)


I haven't posted much in the last few days, in part because I'm kind of a mess.  But I need to talk about it a little bit. Basically, my stress level has skyrocketed. No reason, there doesn't appear to be anything wrong as far as I can tell (no cramps, no spotting), but I had a little bit of a breakdown last night. My stress is from: the pregnancy (duh), my job (I should have been out of here and staying at home but can't due to DH job being shaky), my DS1, who has decided that half the time he wants nothing to do with me lately, which hurts a lot right now, and other smaller things. Basically, knowing that I'm 15 weeks or so makes me realize I still have 24-25 weeks left, and that feels like an eternity right now. And, it feels like I'm in some kind of hellish time warp because I'm still at the day job (which is something I've never had an interest in, took because DH and I are actors/other things (he's a writer, I'm a metalsmith) and it pays the bills), where everything is the same as it was last year, when I was pregnant with DS2. Then we lost him, and now it's like I'm in this eternal loop; and all I can think of is that "I'll lose this one too at the end" and still can't get out of this job! Argh.


Also, no appointment until 11/11 - and it's driving me crazy to wait that long. And, DH can't find time to look for a new job because his current job is so busy he's working from home at all hours and can't get his resume together. He's also convinced he won't make the same amount of money at a new job, so I have to stay at this one until he finds another one and we see where we stand. I can't really find another job right now because of the pregnancy - basically no one will hire me as I'm already starting to show - there are too many people who are not pregnant out there looking for work, it would be easy to find someone who won't have to take maternity leave.


Finally, the cemetery hasn't gotten back to us with the mock up of the gravestone we ordered for DS2 - and the last 2 times I've been out to the cemetery, the temporary marker has been missing so I'm never 100% sure we're actually AT his grave, which is very, very hard. Without the mock up, we can't finalize the darn stone, so it can't get set.


I just feel like I'm being torn in 15 different directions right now. I don't mean to bring the board down or anything, but I thought I should post and let you guys know where I am. The silver lining is that I'll be meeting with our grief counselor next week (no time this week on our end), and I actually may ask her for a referral to a psychiatrist friend of hers who deals with excessive anxiety in pregnant women, and knows of anti-anxiety meds that are safe. Supposedly. Not sure I want to go that route, but I think I need to explore it. Also, maybe something to help me sleep - I'm on 3-4 hours/night now.


Sorry to be so drama queen and AAM...I really hope everyone is doing well. The board's been a little quiet lately I see. I am thinking of all you guys.


3surf - so happy to see you here. I'm usually more positive on this board!

zub - I am thinking of you, if you are checking the boards. I have a feeling you've stepped away for a bit...still hoping for you.

post #435 of 514

Hi all,


Thanks so much for thinking about me and for the private messages. I am having an incredibly difficult time, honestly, and finding it hard to be chirpy about this pregnancy as I really think it is doomed. On top of it I am incredibly sick, even with the zofran. Dealing with nausea and vomiting and feeling like you'll take home a baby is one thing, feeling really like it's not going to work out and feeling this bad is just the pits.


I had my hCG checked on Thurs and Sat. For some reason the Sat results hadn't come in yet so I have no idea, but my numbers from Thursday were very high (160,600), which probably explains why I feel so hellish. I don't know how reassured I'll feel if the number rise appropriately. I oscillate between feelings of absolute certainty that this pregnancy is lost, and then I spend HOURS googling slow growth and i'm either more convinced that this is doomed or I feel a glimmer of hope. Honestly the hope can make me feel much worse, perhaps in ways I can't explain very easily. Im so sorry to be so missing in action. I have been popping back and reading but I'm not in the best place.


And then I got hope and found several messages from my mum, and my dad is in hospital with pneumonia... he's 86 and I'm terribly worried. it doesn't help that they live in Spain - though which thankfully has an AMAZING universal healthcare system.


So sorry to be AAM. But Ek, I am so sorry that you're feeling so crummy. Much love, all.

post #436 of 514

Zub, thanks for popping in and letting us know how you're doing. I'm sorry you're feeling so terribly sick. I wondery why on earth the Saturday numbers didn't come in today? Someone else may be able to help interpret the other number; I'm not the best on that. Big, big hugs and I hope your father is doing better soon.


Ek, thanks for stopping by too! The work/home/pregnancy stuff is the pits. I'm sorry you're being so exhausted and stressed by this. And yes, it might be worthwhile to see about some help for the anxiety. (((hugs)))


I'm trying to put myself in a better place. I don't know how coherent this will be, but I'll give it a shot:


Scenario one: I assume the worst.


1. I don't allow myself to think hopeful thoughts, don't allow myself to think about the future, don't let myself make anything for the baby. [This is the traditional wisdom - don't do any preparing until the last possible minute so you don't have things to undo.]

2. I worry incessantly, wondering if the baby is still alive. [I was tormented this past March/April wondering what was going on the moment the baby died. Was I thinking about him? Sleeping? Fussing at the other kids? Complaining?]

3. By doing this I don't let myself be "tricked" into being happy for no reason, somehow protecting myself.


Outcome: Either baby makes it - or doesn't. I am miserable for months.


Guess what? It isn't working.


Scenario two: I assume the best.


1. I pretend to myself that everything is fine (nothing is technically wrong at this point).

2. I go ahead and think about the future, names, plan the room arrangements.

3. I go ahead and make things for the baby: blanket, sweater, etc.


Outcome: Either baby makes it - or doesn't. If the worst happens, at least I was happy for a while and the devastation won't be any worse than if I was "prepared".


This is really hard for me. DH reminded me that I do really, really poorly with uncertainty. True. Basically I'm going to pretend that I know that things will be fine. As long as I don't let myself make any preparations at all, even mentally, that means that I have no escape from the cage of negativity, no where else to go. It flies in the face of common wisdom, but I'm going to go ahead and prepare.



post #437 of 514

I can totally relate to that MAnna.  I'm constantly torn between preparing/expecting the worst and thinking/expecting the best.  I keep telling myself that it does no good to assume the worst and it only makes me miserable but in the back of my mind I have this thought of, "but at least you wont be AS disappointed." I think at this point I will be no matter what though. BUT, I can say that with my first loss, I just KNEW that something wasn't right.  I didn't buy a baby book like I usually do, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't get excited. And so at 5 1/2 weeks when I woke up bleeding, I wasn't surprised. And honestly, it made it easier expecting it.  If I had gotten excited and was completely thrown by a loss (since it was my first, especially), it would have been worse.  The second, I did a mixture of things. I still looked ahead at how far I'd be at certain events (i.e. "I'll be 20 weeks at Christmas, etc.) but also worried constantly about another loss.  It was still devastating when I miscarried.  This time around, I am not thinking of the future. I'm not figuring out how far I'll be at different points and not thinking of names or anything. I haven't bought a baby book yet (but have been keeping my own notes on the computer). But, I can't say I'm totally doom and gloom either.  I feel more hopeful since I had an early implantation, I had tons of pregnancy symptoms, and we saw a heartbeat. It is similar to my dd and ds's pregnancies and not like my losses so that gives me hope.  But I'm having a hard time not having any guarantees but also realizing that the only way for me to stay sane is to realize that there are no guarantees in life. I could lose this baby today. I could lose this baby at birth. My dd or ds could die tomorrow or be kidnapped or have any number of horrible things happen to them, but I don't sit around worrying about that because it would drive me crazy. So I've sort of adopted that with this pregnancy.  Yes, I could lose this baby.  Yes, there is no "safe time." But worrying about it will just drive me crazy.  It is SO hard though!  I'm hoping to feel better if/when we hear a heartbeat at my 12 week appt.  We'll tell the kids and others then so hopefully I'll be able to breath a little easier.    

post #438 of 514


Popping back in here to say Hi!  I've been keeping up with the thread on my phone, but it's difficult to post on there, and I hate going on my computer at night because I'm on it all day!


RaineyDay, I hope you were able to lay down and you feel like the brown stringy stuff is normal.  I've had it off and on this pregnancy, too, and I think I've pretty much come to accept it as part of the process.


Countrymouse, I hope your acupuncture went well!  Sounds like the energy work was amazing.  And, laying on the couch sounds amazing, too, hope it helped :)


MAnna, I totally get your worrying and lack of certainty.  I definitely think callie is right, there are no certainties and we could drive ourselves crazy.  I know there's nothing we can say that will make you feel better, just know we're all there with you!


Ek, I'm so sorry you have so many balls in the air right now that you're juggling.  It seems like just too much to handle for one pregnant person!  I wish there was a magic wand to wave that would get you and your DH new careers, your DS2 back here with you, and therefore no anxiety except the usual mother-of-two concerns.  I totally get it.  You never feel safe and even for no reason at all you feel like something is wrong, or you're missing something that indicates something is wrong.  I hope the appointment with the grief counselor goes well and you can get a referral. I've found my therapist to be extremely helpful in dealing with my feelings during this new pregnancy, and she helps me do really effective breathing and relaxation exercises.


Zub, my heart goes out to you, this is such a tough situation to be in.  It must feel so unfair of your body right now not to know and be putting you through this.  I still have hope, and I hope you do too, at least at this moment.  I'm sorry that your Dad is in the hospital.  It sounds like he's well taken care of (probably better than if he was here...), so I hope that eases your mind some.


Callie, it sounds like you're doing well!  I loved what you posted over in our DDC boards about calming thoughts, I think that definitely helps.


Corgi, thanks for taking such great care of the board, especially with the dog shows and feeling miserable!  Could you add me back to the list?  I'm 10 weeks and my EDD is 5/17/12.


Stacey, it sounds like your ultrasound went great, and I’m glad you’re able to deal with nausea! 


To everyone I missed, Hi!  And welcome, 3surfboys!!  Congrats on your BFP!!


AFM, today I thought I might have a urinary tract infection (I don’t, baby just likes sitting on my bladder), but I did go in to the nurse practitioner, and she found the heartbeat with the Doppler right away!  I was so happy because they chose to do an ultrasound at my appointment on Thursday instead of try to find it with the Doppler since I was just barely 10 weeks.  I’m feeling a bit more relaxed, though certainly a long way from feeling at all “safe” about this pregnancy.  

post #439 of 514

Corgi, I forgot to add:  


I am 11 weeks and due 5/13/12

post #440 of 514

Hi there again. Thanks for the thoughts. I've calmed down a bit, had a dinner date with an old friend and it was nice to just vent but also talk about other things a little bit, get some distractions. I was pretty much in a hole there for a while (as you could have noticed....eek). Not "fine" really, but feeling better.


zubeldia - hi. I know nothing about the numbers and what they mean, but when you say "high", is it in a "normal" range? I hope you get those second numbers soon, see if there's been an increase...and I'm so sorry to hear your dad is ill! I hope he recovers quickly, thinking of him...and you. So much to deal with.


MAnna - you summarized what I've been thinking too about different approaches to this pregnancy. I oscillate between your option A and B all the time - so much so that I found myself talking to my friend tonight at dinner about how (a) I can't see how this pregnancy will mean a healthy baby, and (b) discussing slings, of all things. And KNOWING that I'm all over the place! It can drive me crazy. Hopefully as (if) this pregnancy continues, I can try to find a happy medium.


TandN - thanks. I am thinking perhaps I will meet with my grief counselor/therapist more often - DH suggested that maybe I try to meet with her more, even if it's just me (we've been going together). Also, am going to try to take some more prenatal yoga - did that once a few weeks ago and it was relaxing. Maybe I can get my anxiety under control without medication...that would be ideal for me, I hate taking stuff. Of course, I'll do it if I have to.  How have you been feeling?


callie - 11 weeks! Wow! What day is your appointment?


slshoe, rainey, thecountrymouse - hi. I would love to continue personals but I am honestly falling asleep at the computer....good night all.Here's hoping for a good day tomorrow.

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