Hello wise MDC mamas,
DD is 2.5 and recently became a big sister 2 mths ago. At first she did great, was proud and followed the rules, and didn't show signs of jealousy. Slowly the changes have started to impact her, to the point where she needs me 24/7.
The biggest problem is at bedtime. She wants me to put her to sleep, which I haven't doe in a long time.. I'll explain more below. So we do our usual routine, I go to leave, an she loses it, more thanever in her life.. Clinging to my leg, screaming, "don't leave!", throwing herself around, just completely hysterical,etc. This can go on for quite awhile, and has been happening every night with growing intensity for a few weeks or longer. Now we are at the point where I have to say goodnight, then distract with a super cool something fun (like iPhone), Then sneak out the door (which doesn't feel right or respectful) but she still needs me badly and it breaks my heart. She is waking through the night, crying for me (this has only been a few nights), to the point where I am sleeping in her toddler bed and leaving only to nurse DD2 who cosleeps with us. She has also become a little more defiant during the day.. If I say "please don't move your sister's head", she will do it again and with more intention/force.
The changes she's endured include the obvious, birth of a sister. We shifted her slowly from 5 days of daycare to 2 (and for context, I have to keep her at 2 to save our spot). We started a 1.5 hour "gym class" (thought it would be structured gross motor but it is just free play, not what she needs or what I expected). We've gone to two weeks, and since this is a drop-off class I explained to her what would happen, I connected her with a teacher, played with her until she was comfortable, then worked my way outside of the room and watched from the window where I told we I'd be, and waited for 10 minutes during which time she was playing great and didnt look for me at all. I decide to move to the upstairs window to watch, but didn't inform her (MAJOR mistake, I should have known better), so when she next went to look for me, she thought I was gone and cried very, VERY hard. I went back and soothed her, stayed in the room fr a bit, then while keeping her informed, I moved back out to the window where I originally was. We ended on a positive note, and this weekend happily went (she cried a little after afew minutes but it was still overall a positive experience, except that she needs more structure. So this event is causing me the most guilt and stress, because I feel like I violated her trust big time. More changes.. I haven't been able to put her to bed at nighttime but this was put in place months before DD2 was born. She asks for me every night and has been having hysterical meltdowns when I leave. I have tried twice to put her to sleep but it doesn't wokfor us. She still ends in tears, and what she wants is for me to sleep in her bed with her, again which hasn't happened in at least 6 months. Also for context, bedtime and sleep in general has been our biggest challenge, and we have worked hard hard hard, in a gentle and slow change kind of way, to teach her to fall asleep on her own, because the old way wasn't working for our family. So, if I give her what she claims she needs, to lie in bed with her till she is asleep, will ruin seriously at least a years of progress, and I know it just doesn't work the way you think it should (i.e. A nice snuggle until she blissfully nods off). Another piece to the puzzle, she missed a nap a few weeks ago which typically sends her into an overtired cycle of taking forever to sleep, cranky and clingy, night waking, falling out of bed. So I thought most of this behavior was due to overtired, So we've been working on fixing that, but this weekend she went down for a nap, and spent two hours just singing in her bed.. So now I made the decision to drop her nap, which actually seems to be going well. No extra fatigue or tantrums, but it's another change. One more behavior piece. This morning DH dropped her at daycare for the first time since last week, and she was fine until she got there, and then she had another epic meltdown of "I don't want to go" (not "I want mommy").
Sigh. (this is longer than I thought.. Thanks to those who read)
I've tried to give her as much as I can. Some fun activity almost evey day, prize rewards for good behaviour, paying attention to her everytime I talk to her sister, balancing "no" statements with praise, playing with her alone, playing in a child led way, engaging with her while nursing DD2, sticking to routine as much as possible...
I think tonight I am going to try to put her to bed, and I plan to drop our routine and stay in the room with her, even though I really don't think it is going to work. But please tell me.. Did I ruin her by violating her trust? Is this normal adjusting to sibling behavior? Is it too many changes at once? I feel like I am giving so much of myself to both my girls and I just don't know what more I can give!
DD is 2.5 and recently became a big sister 2 mths ago. At first she did great, was proud and followed the rules, and didn't show signs of jealousy. Slowly the changes have started to impact her, to the point where she needs me 24/7.
The biggest problem is at bedtime. She wants me to put her to sleep, which I haven't doe in a long time.. I'll explain more below. So we do our usual routine, I go to leave, an she loses it, more thanever in her life.. Clinging to my leg, screaming, "don't leave!", throwing herself around, just completely hysterical,etc. This can go on for quite awhile, and has been happening every night with growing intensity for a few weeks or longer. Now we are at the point where I have to say goodnight, then distract with a super cool something fun (like iPhone), Then sneak out the door (which doesn't feel right or respectful) but she still needs me badly and it breaks my heart. She is waking through the night, crying for me (this has only been a few nights), to the point where I am sleeping in her toddler bed and leaving only to nurse DD2 who cosleeps with us. She has also become a little more defiant during the day.. If I say "please don't move your sister's head", she will do it again and with more intention/force.
The changes she's endured include the obvious, birth of a sister. We shifted her slowly from 5 days of daycare to 2 (and for context, I have to keep her at 2 to save our spot). We started a 1.5 hour "gym class" (thought it would be structured gross motor but it is just free play, not what she needs or what I expected). We've gone to two weeks, and since this is a drop-off class I explained to her what would happen, I connected her with a teacher, played with her until she was comfortable, then worked my way outside of the room and watched from the window where I told we I'd be, and waited for 10 minutes during which time she was playing great and didnt look for me at all. I decide to move to the upstairs window to watch, but didn't inform her (MAJOR mistake, I should have known better), so when she next went to look for me, she thought I was gone and cried very, VERY hard. I went back and soothed her, stayed in the room fr a bit, then while keeping her informed, I moved back out to the window where I originally was. We ended on a positive note, and this weekend happily went (she cried a little after afew minutes but it was still overall a positive experience, except that she needs more structure. So this event is causing me the most guilt and stress, because I feel like I violated her trust big time. More changes.. I haven't been able to put her to bed at nighttime but this was put in place months before DD2 was born. She asks for me every night and has been having hysterical meltdowns when I leave. I have tried twice to put her to sleep but it doesn't wokfor us. She still ends in tears, and what she wants is for me to sleep in her bed with her, again which hasn't happened in at least 6 months. Also for context, bedtime and sleep in general has been our biggest challenge, and we have worked hard hard hard, in a gentle and slow change kind of way, to teach her to fall asleep on her own, because the old way wasn't working for our family. So, if I give her what she claims she needs, to lie in bed with her till she is asleep, will ruin seriously at least a years of progress, and I know it just doesn't work the way you think it should (i.e. A nice snuggle until she blissfully nods off). Another piece to the puzzle, she missed a nap a few weeks ago which typically sends her into an overtired cycle of taking forever to sleep, cranky and clingy, night waking, falling out of bed. So I thought most of this behavior was due to overtired, So we've been working on fixing that, but this weekend she went down for a nap, and spent two hours just singing in her bed.. So now I made the decision to drop her nap, which actually seems to be going well. No extra fatigue or tantrums, but it's another change. One more behavior piece. This morning DH dropped her at daycare for the first time since last week, and she was fine until she got there, and then she had another epic meltdown of "I don't want to go" (not "I want mommy").
Sigh. (this is longer than I thought.. Thanks to those who read)
I've tried to give her as much as I can. Some fun activity almost evey day, prize rewards for good behaviour, paying attention to her everytime I talk to her sister, balancing "no" statements with praise, playing with her alone, playing in a child led way, engaging with her while nursing DD2, sticking to routine as much as possible...
I think tonight I am going to try to put her to bed, and I plan to drop our routine and stay in the room with her, even though I really don't think it is going to work. But please tell me.. Did I ruin her by violating her trust? Is this normal adjusting to sibling behavior? Is it too many changes at once? I feel like I am giving so much of myself to both my girls and I just don't know what more I can give!
