Stepdaughter young & pregnant. Looking for resources to help with EVERYTHING. Intactivist +

[xenabrat]

Hi,

I'm new here & came across this site while searching for midwife & insurance information. Anyways, here's my story. My 18 year old stepdaughter who is living with her boyfriend and his dad, is 14 weeks pregnant. She is VERY emotional and depressed, and seems to be making decisions based on what she believes to be "normal". Her boyfriend's mother is very overbearing and "bossy" (controlling), and I believe my stepdaughter is making decisions just to please her boyfriend and his mother. I am pretty sure my stepdaughter also believes that her boyfriend's mom is a medical "expert" simply because she is an X-Ray Technician. o_O Anyways... 

My stepdaughter is very sweet and I'm sure she'll make a great mother. I want her to be aware of all her options and not just do what she thinks is "normal" or the standard. Unfortunately, she's very naive and gullible and very sensitive to top it off. She had a rather traumatic childhood, and her father and I are very aware of that. I don't want to be overbearing or controlling, but I want her to be very aware of all her options and be able to separate fact from fiction. Unfortunately, I've never been very good at getting my kids to listen to me or to learn from my own mistakes.

Recently, she found out she is having a boy. I asked her if she planned to circumcise him, and she excitedly said "Yes! We've already decided on that!" When I tried to tell her all the reasons NOT to circumcise, she kind of shut me out. I am most definitely an intactivist, but don't know if I should just leave it alone or keep trying. I don't want her to completely shut me out or for her to get mad at me. When I asked her WHY they planned to circumcise, she said "Because his dad is!" Of course, her mother is very pro-circ and went against her dad's wishes and had her son (my stepson) circumcised. Her boyfriend is circumcised, so obviously we know where his parents are on that subject.

Tonight I asked her if she had considered a home birth or birthing center, and doulas & midwives. She had NO clue what I was talking about. I told her to research these things, but she has no computer & no internet. She is coming to visit tomorrow and we can do some here, but I don't know how far I will get. She did say that she planned to have her baby in a hospital and wanted to take advantage of all the technology she could get. Her boyfriend's brother was born with or developed a heart condition and died at 16 years old. It wasn't determined whether it was genetic or not, but so far ultrasounds are good and everything looks "normal". Just to be safe, when she is 20 weeks, she is having a special ultrasound (neonatol... something) to make sure that everything is fine. She has an OB/GYN with Fairview. 

I told her I would help her find some support type/education groups with other pregnant women, hoping she could at least make some friends and see some different viewpoints as to childbirth & decision making. When I was in ECFE 17 years ago, I was surrounded by women who were having boys and NONE of them were circumcising, and all were very open breastfeeders. I don't know if ECFE is like that in or around Minneapolis. Her boyfriend told her its too dangerous to walk anywhere by herself, so I have to be mindful of the area that is accessible to her, and her lack of regular transportation. I'm not even sure what district she is in (she doesn't know either) to find out more. Or are there other free or low-income based programs like this that would be more appropriate? 

She currently has Medica insurance through her mother, but is waiting to be approved for Minnesota Health Care Programs Medica. She has NO job, and her boyfriend is going to school to be a bartender. We're not in a financial position to get her the best of the best, either, or we would. I'm confused as to whether Medica covers Midwives, Doulas, Homebirths or Birth Centers... or circumcision. Her mother holds all her insurance information, so she has no way to check these things. She JUST got her own identity after her mother refusing to hand over her adoption papers and also didn't legally change her name with Soc. Sec. 18 years ago after she was adopted. 

Well, thanks for reading & any resources or help that is offered. 

~Lisa

[mugglesmom]

I'm a first time mom so I'm by no means an expert but if she reads at all I would give her The Baby Book by Dr Sears. It's not too crunchy but has a lot of great information on natural birth and parenting.  It's MUCH better than What to Expect When You're Expecting. I would suggest she attend a La Leche League meeting.  There is an Twin Cities API Yahoo group that she can join.  It has playgroups and mom's night out and agreat Q & A support group online about all things related to Attachment Parenting, breastfeeding, circumcision, natural childbirth, etc. 

I don't know what kinds of resources to offer you about non-circ, I left my son intact, I never questioned the decision so I never really investigated the pros cons.  I know there is group on here that will probably have a lot of great info. 

If she is planning a hospital birth I would think that Medica would cover any providers within the network.  I don't think many insurance companies cover homebirth midwives but they will cover nurse midwives working in the hospital.  I used a homebirth midwife and it was not covered by insurance but I did end up transfering and ended up with a c-section and it was covered by blue cross blue shield.  Midwives were $3000 and did all the prenatal and post natal care and even though I didn't get the homebirth I wanted I still think I had exceptional care during the pregnancy birth and after from them.  I would definitely check whether or not circ is covered, I've heard that it isn't covered anymore but I could be wrong.

Hope I helped a little!

 Good Luck to you and your stepdaughter!

[krst234]

Check with the birth centers in Minnesota - many of them have tours and complementary consultation visits for moms/couples considering a birth center birth. I believe with the new licensing law- insurance remibursement has improved for birth center care - there are two birth centers in the Twin Cities - and I think at least two more in greater Minnesota.

I often think how I would have sought maternity care had I become pregnant as a teenager - I don't think I would have questioned - or known enough to have questioned - the standard, routine care. I would have never had an OOH birth, I know that for sure.

Information is good. Helping your stepdaughter ask questions is good. Many women change their minds about their care providers during pregnancy - sometimes that is part of the process.

As far as circumcision goes - Again -  I think information is good - how about watching some circumcisions on YouTube?

I think every parent should know what they are asking to have done to their child.

But even with this - you may not be able to persuade her.

We seem to have as much foreskin phobia as we do nipple phobia in our culture right now. *sigh*

Now I'm getting way off topic.

Be gentle - with her and with yourself. This is her pregnancy - she is going to have to navigate through it herself.

[krst234]

I don't know if you're near the Twin Cities or not - there are some fantastic CNM practices in the Twin Cities - and should be covered by insurance and/or MNcare.

http://www.nursemidwivesmn.org/mn-midwifery-practices

[Ophelia]

Regarding the circ issue, on Oct. 15th the documentary CUT is going to be shown in Maple Grove.  If she is willing to attend I think this will VERY strongly influence/change her decision.

http://cutthefilm.com/Cut_Website/Home.html

Location: Maple Grove Library
8001 Main St. N.
Maple Grove, 55369
Room: Main Street Meeting Room
Date(s): Saturday, October 15, 2011
Screening starts at 1pm

Also Minnesota NICE I think will have a booth at the TC birth and baby expo on Oct 15th, same day.  Actually if she attends the expo there is a lot of great info there for her, midwives, doulas, etc.

http://www.twincitiesbirthandbaby.com/

If she is on the gov't funded MN health insurance, whatever it is called, they will NOT pay for circ.  As far as I know all private or HMO insurance does pay for it.  How they get away with that I do not know as it is non-therapeutic and hasn't really been proven to prevent ANYTHING!