Desperate and Resentful: 10 month old won't go to sleep then wakes every 2 hours

[Redmom]

Our 10 month old has been waking every 1-2 hours since he was about 4 months.

If that wasn't bad enough lately he will not go to sleep easily.  On a good night I hold him and walk him around the room until he falls asleep which usually takes 10 minutes.  Lately even after 30+ minutes of doing this, although he will be asleep in my arms, the moment I place him in the crib he wakes and immediately starts screaming.  He is getting heavier now so it is physically exhausting holding him and carrying him around.

He has never been a baby that we can place in the crib "drowsy but awake" otherwise he starts screaming.

I am just so incredibly exhausted, frustrated, desperate and resentful. I feel like I have no life of my own any more.  I'm a stay at home mom, so during the day I have no energy to really be present for my son.  I feel like I have nothign left to give him and that there is nothing left of me.

Our whole evening ends up being devoted to putting him to sleep.  Even then he will wake 1-2 hours later and the process gets repeated.  This is even before my husband or I get to sleep.

When we go to sleep, one of us co-sleeps with him and the other sleeps on the sofa.  Then halfway through the night we swap.  This was at least giving us of us a decent stretch of sleep.  But lately with his resisting sleep, I am physically and emotionally spent.

I belong to a mom's group, all nice ladies, but their babies all sleep pretty much through the night, and they say their bedtime routine involves putting baby down awake, who then falls asleep on their awake.  This makes me feel so alone and resentful to learn that there are other parents who are having such an easy time getting their baby to sleep.  I see how much energy and how carefree these moms are, relatively speaking. 

It makes me wonder "why me, why us?".  We are good, loving parents, and through no fault of our own have a baby who has trouble sleeping. 

Every day I wake up feeling worse.  I find myself mentally tuning out from my son during the day.  I don't feel like playing with him, I just want to sit and tune out.  My focus of each day is nap time, when I put him down for a nap I take one too.  This is what I look forward to each day.  I feel so sad that I don't look forward to playing with my son each day.

I am worried that this experience will damage the bond between my son and I.  I am honestly not enjoying being a mother right now.  I sometimes wish I never had a baby, because of what my life has become.

My husband and I have looked for help in the medical community but the advice ends up being to let him cry it out, which we do not advocate.

I feel so incredibly alone in dealing with this issue.  The only thing that gets me through is sharing how I feel on this board.

I am just so desperate. Everyone says "it will get easier", but for us it has not gotten any easier.  Every day is harder and harder to get through.

I never thought being a mother would feel as horrible as I feel these days.

[expat-mama]

Hugs, Redmom. I couldn't read your post and not reply because I've been there! Exactly where you are now.

I don't have any advice about how to "fix" your baby's sleep habits, because I tried a lot of things and nothing really worked. What I can tell you is that it DOES get better and for us (and many other parents I've spoken to) the 10 month mark was the absolute worst! For a few weeks my son was waking up literally every 20-30 minutes. It was hell on Earth and nothing worked to make it any better. Or sometimes it would randomly get better, but then we'd be right back where we started. I think it's a developmental thing and some babies have it harder than others getting through the night when there is so much changing in their brains and bodies.

All we did was power through (I know, not what you want to hear) and my dh and I tried to work together to get the rest we needed whenever we could. Things got markedly better right around the 12 month mark and have been slowly getting marginally better and better. My son is 14.5 months now, and he sleeps without waking from 8-11 or 12 and then wakes once or twice (three times on a bad night) until about 5 am. After that he is kind of just nursing on and off.

Like I said, things did get better and I feel soooo much more rested even though he is still waking a few times. I feel like a completely different person than I did waaay back then. Right now, we are looking forward to night weaning DS in a few months and hopefully that will help things a bit more. I'm still tired a lot of the time, but not the kind of tired that you describe and the kind I remember from back then.

I don't know if reading any of this is helpful. I hope it is. Try not to listen to those other moms whose kids sleep through the night. They are really the exception, not the rule! Know that what you are doing for your son is the best you can, work with your DH to get the rest you need and be gentle with yourself and your baby during the day when you feel like a zombie. And remember: this too shall pass (sooner than you think).

[ChelseaWantsOut]

Have you tried craniosacral therapy? It really helped my baby sleep better. Of course, I say this having just put my one-year-old back to sleep after a two hour awake period in the middle of the night, haha. But I think he's got some cognitive development thing going on right now. This isn't usual (anymore). He actually started putting himself back to sleep after some of his night wakings when we started craniosacral. The difference between waking every two hours and having at least one 4 hour stretch was, for me, profound.

The biggest thing (apart from having slept) that helps me enjoy him is having other people around who dote on him. We see his grandma every day and I just became friends with a group of moms who all have older kids, so they love to hold and squish and coo at my baby. But I know it's hard to feel human enough to interact with other adults when you're severely sleep-deprived.

[Redmom]

Thanks Expat-mama for taking the time to write.  I appreciate your empathy and sharing your experiences with me.  It does help to hear from someone who has been through this and can really relate.  I know we have to keep getting though it day by day, and night by night. 

At the start of September he all of a sudden started sleeping a 4 or 5 hour stretch each night, so I felt very encouraged, but then all of a sudden he started resisting sleep and going back to 2 hourly wakeups.

It is just so demoralizing experiencing this month after month with very little improvement, and not lasting improvement.

Thanks for writing, it does help to read your words.

[Redmom]

Originally Posted by ChelseaWantsOut 

Have you tried craniosacral therapy? It really helped my baby sleep better.
 

 I don't know too much about this.  Could you tell me what it is all about, and what is the underlying link between this therapy and better sleep?  Would it be suitable for a 10 month old?  What are practioners of this method called?

Thanks for sharing this idea.

[ChelseaWantsOut]

Our Naturopath does it. It is basically about gently manipulating the bones of the skull and sacrum to affect the flow of spinal fluid. I think it's pretty woo-woo, but the baby loved it and it seemed to help, so whatever. I actually heard about it on these boards. We started it with my babe at 8 months.

[jmiller184]

Hello, well I hear your pain.  We have an almost 10 month old non-sleeper too.  He is our 4th (and final!) child.  The others are 8, 6, and 3.  All I can say is I know exactly how you are feeling.  My two older kids are in school all day, that leaves me at home (stay-at-home Mom as well) with the 3 yr old and 9 month,old and I too, like yourself find myself just zoning out in the day.  I have no energy or desire to play with the kids at all.  Our 10 month old is up at least every 2 hours, sometimes every 30 minutes every night. It is just so draining.  I have tried many different things as well, all to no avail.  I keep hoping it will get better each milestone age (6month, no; 9 months, no; now my hope is by 12 months) It is affecting my marriage.  I find myself so cranky, just plain out exhausted!!  I too feel alone and really just dont know what to do.  I get no sleep at night and then have to be up at 6am to pack lunches and get my other kids ready and off to school (I have to pack everyone in the van by 7:15am to take the 2 to school).  I really dont look forward to any time of the day as it all entails no sleep for me.  Sorry to add my misery in here, I know I'm of no help :(  I guess I just need to let it out too :)

I am currently up now at midnight, my son just woke after only 1 1/2 hours of sleep, we'll see how long the next stretch is!  If you find anything that works, please pass it on..I will do the same on my end.

The big thing to remember is eventually, it will get better.  I know its extremely hard now...but the only thing they can do is get better at sleeping, as we are at rock bottom now... We can only get better from here, right!? Time really does fly by, so if we can just make it and get through this rough patch, it will get better.  Typically around 12-13 months of age, there is improvement and then they just seem to be so tired from the day, they just finally get the whole sleep thing.  My 8yr old was just like my son now and I am pretty sure it was around 13 months when he majorly improved (this is also when I weaned him). I just forgot how hard I had it then, as my last daughter was the "angel" sleeper, just soooo easy.  But I do remember being zombie like with my oldest, he was so bad, like this one.

Anyhow, good night and I hope you get some sleep :)  If you need to vent I am here to listen

[mizzzashlee]

Redmom - I am right there with you as well, my DD is 16 months old and wakes every 1-2hrs still.  I just wanted you to know you weren't alone, but unfortunately since I'm still in the same boat as you I dont have any helpful advice. My DH and I have tried everything: more nursing during the day, offering solids constantly throughout the day with the thought that maybe her sleepless-ness is due to not getting enough calories (she eats like a bird), hoped it would get better when each period of teething ended, tried lengthening her naps by holding her and rocking her back to sleep in hopes that better naps would make for better night-time sleep. She only takes 30min naps, and now that she's down to only one nap a day its sheer torture, its not even enough time for me to try and lay down and get some rest while she sleeps (and I've tried napping with her thinking she may sleep longer but that didn't work either).

What's really helped me is just knowing that I'm not alone, and that every child is different. I can't compare my DD with other little ones cause in EVERY way other than sleep they're different, so of course what works for one will not work with another. That being said, if you find out anything that helps please pass it along, as its always worth a try!

I do believe what Jmiller184 says is true: "this too shall pass", it can only get better from here, and every child eventually will sleep through the night. I day dream about that day often, hahaha!

Good luck, and smile.

[BabySmurf]

Just wanted to chime in! My son is just about 11 months, and sleeps the same way! He has been throwing in some super stretches of sleep recently, which is the only thing that gets me through, lol, but it's such a tease.  When he does sleep better, it's not because of anything I've done differently; I guess the stars are just in alignment those nights! All I can say is thank goodness I am a SAHM with only this baby - I don't know how the working Mom's or Mom's with other young kids deal! When I get worked up over DS not sleeping, I just try to focus on what a gift he is, and how lucky we are to have this time together.  I can't believe that he's almost a year old! It really won't be that long until they are big.  FWIW, I just got to the point where if DS was fighting sleep, I just brought him back out to the living room and let him play for a little longer.  He would tire himself out, and then I wouldn't be able to keep him awake if I tried.  He would usually need a longer nap the next day, but it really did a lot to help my sanity.  If he wasn't going to sleep, I may as well not spend that time fighting him.  Eh, I hope we all get some much needed sleep soon!

[McGucks]

Mom of an 18 month old here.  Same deal.  He is up every 45 minutes to maybe 90.  We co-sleep and still nurse a lot, including every time he wakes up to get him back to sleep.  He has never taken a pacifier or sucked his thumb, but I sure wish he did (we've tried, believe me).  I am going pretty much nuts with it and have to work hard not to resent DH, who typically sleeps through it all.  While he would be willing to help, our LO wants absolutely nothing to do with his dad if it's night time (though they are wonderful together all the rest of the time).

I wonder about the impact of the chronic sleep deprivation on my health and longevity, no kidding.

I would think about having another child were it not for this issue (well, and a couple more, but this is a biggie for sure).

OP, you have my heartfelt condolences.  Nap if and when you can and try real hard not to feel guilty about it.  Ask your DH for specific help around the house, if that'd be good for you...sometimes I can't nap because I am worried about the dishes or whatever. 

The sleep thing is the hardest thing about having a baby/toddler, for me.  I totally hate it.  I love the child, but certainly hate that I haven't had a good night's sleep since June of 2009 (when I got pregnant).

Good luck, mama.  I wish I had advice, but other than telling you you're not alone, that's all I've got.

[lil_stinkyfeet]

OOh I can so relate! My almost 5 month old is getting up every 2hrs.. I am a stay at home Mom and have just been SO tired lately. Dh tells me to just let him cry and I am tempted I admit it!  But I couldn't ever do that to him :( I am starting to feel desperate and cranky and wish there was an answer.

HUGS!!

[jmiller184]

Well, we the last 3 nights have been better here.  I am not a cry it out fan at all...never able to do it .  I thought I'd try a very short version of it though, as whats been happening is not healthy for any of us here.  I nursed my son one last time around 8pm (I try to keep him up a little later, as it seem to help).  Then we still rock him to sleep to initially go to bed.  Then when he awoke an hour and a half later.  I went into his room, bent over the side of the crib, hugged him and kissed him, put his pacifier in and laid him down (the whole time not picking him up at all..just all by leaning over the crib)..said good night and rubbed his head and then quickly walked out (I left the door wide open to his room).  He cried, but it was an angry cry, not a sad one, it was hard to hear, but he only cried for literally like 3 minutes, maybe only 2 (it seemed like longer, but really wasn't that long at all).  Then just like that, he was silent.  I got nervous, went in there, he was sound asleep.  The next time he woke up now wasn't until 3 hours later!  That time, I did the same routine and this time he let out only one cry (like a 10 second cry) when I left and then silence again.  I heard him moving around his crib, then nothing, went in there sound asleep again!  The next time he woke up was 4am!  I figured this time he was probably pretty hungry (and even though some say at this time they do not need night feedings) I don't want to go that long without nursing him. So I nursed him in my bed, when he was done, I took him back to his crib, did the routine, he was sleepy but awake and this time he didn't cry at all, just went back to sleep till 6am.  

Two nights in a row went pretty much the same.  Now last night was a little rougher, only because I went to the store later in the evening and when I came back my husband had already put him to bed (WAAAY too early) and it pretty much messed him up.  So we'll see how tonight goes. 

For naps he still need to be rocked and initially upon going to bed, but I am going to keep up the not picking him up at all in the night and just leaning over and hugging and rubbing his head and telling him goodnight and see if it keeps working.  

[callahansmama]

Redmom I think I pm'd you about what I ended up doing but I'll restate it for everyone here:)

My son slept horribly from pretty much birth and by 12 months he was waking almost every hour all night long. We tried co-sleeping and he slept worse. I nursed him back to sleep each time and then often had to rock him. He would wake up screaming. We changed his diet, we tried different pjs, a lovey, pacifier...you name it.

Eventually I paid a sleep consultant from the baby sleep site for two email consultations. She is pretty amazing and I can tell you that two and a half months later my son (almost 17 months) is now falling asleep in his room, door closed, no crying - in about 20 -40 minutes. We rarely have to go back in to help settle him, he just plays and talks himself to sleep.

Originally ds would scream the moment he suspected he was going into the crib awake and would cry pretty much indefinitely I imagine if left in there. We did try letting him cry for 2-5 minutes at a time but he would cry for way too long than I could stand. I was desperate. So I started putting him in his crib and staying in the room, laying down on the floor by his bed, holding his hand through the bars, singing and talking. He threw his pacifiers out, his blankets, his cup of water. He cried and screamed. But I was there and I stayed, often falling asleep on the floor, until he fell asleep. He still woke a couple of times a night (and still does) but it got much better. After a week or so, it was still taking an hour(or two) for him to fall asleep. The consultant suggested we leave the door open and leave the room. I started doing that after about an hour (he didn't cry anymore, he played and laughed and threw stuff AT me) He started falling asleep with very little crying. I had mixed feelings about just leaving him right off the bat but I started doing that too. We left the door wide open, made sure he could hear us, and he started falling asleep within an hour with no crying. Eventually we started closing the door because we felt we were distracting him. The first few times he cried a bit but not for more than a minute. Now we leave a nightlight on, he goes in his crib happily and falls asleep on his own with his door closed and lullabies playing. He still wakes habitually at midnight (but he falls asleep by 7 so he gets a 5 hour stretch) and then typically wakes again at 4-5 and then for good at 6:30-7. I am in the process of eliminating all nighttime feedings and just nursing before bed and in the morning when he wakes up for good.

I hope this can be help and hope for some of you other mamas:)

[BabyMae09]

You know what just hit me - he may not be getting worn out enough during the day to sleep well at night. My DD needs LOTS of outdoor/pay time to sleep well. Anyway, just an idea.

[sumsum]

I have this EXACT problem. I am so with you. My nanny is a babywhisperer and uses a vibrating baby seat to get him to rest once he's really tired. (I never really put my son in it, unless I was going to the bathroom). That got me a little extra sleep last night on the front end. I nursed him until he 95% asleep and put him in there. The vibration seemed to really soothe him. I was amazed.

We co-sleep and I'm still nursing as well.

I am going to try craniosacral this week for my son. It has to be something developmental involving his nervous system and physical body. Something isn't in alignment. He's not able to just relax and let go and fall into sleep and stay there once he's there for long enough. I'm losing my mind.

I also noticed a few weeks ago in the stroller when he should be in a relaxed sitting position he keeps his left foot flexed the whole time. I've been watching his left foot and leg and it is always held stiff when he's supposed to be relaxing. (When he's standing, crawling, and using his foot it is normal.) I was told when he was a newborn he had "high tone" from a leader of a mom's group and to make sure I keep my body soft and relaxed while I hold him and nurse him so he can model that.

Let's see how the craniosacral helps. Let me know if you find anything.

[Redmom]

Sumsum

I'd be interested to hear how the craniosacral goes.  I actually booked an appointment today for DS with the chiro on Friday for an assessment - I'm open to anything at this point.

[Pomalca]

Hi there. Same here. 10 month old waking every hour or less. Fourth child. Nursed back to sleep every time. Glad im not alone! What a relief. Resorted to all the same as all of you plus gaviscon, homeopathy, raised the mattress and a million other tricks with no luck. I must say homeopathy helped a little bit after a while but randomly too. If you find a solution that involves no CIo please please pass it on. Thank you thank you.

[Weevil]

Oh I just came to this forum to post a thread about the same issue!! My 18 month old is waking every hour all night long, sometimes waking in the night and staying up for a couple hours besides. It is driving me near insane with sleep deprivation. He has never been a sleeper and I haven't had more than four hours straight since he was born. He is also spirited and that combined with him not sleeping well makes for very long days of near constant meltdowns and whiney crankiness (which is hard enough to deal with when I have had sleep let alone when I am sleep deprived and cranky myself!)

We have also tried nearly everything to no avail. We have tried keeping him busy all day, quiet all day, tried to physically exhaust him, moved bath to before dinner instead of right before bed, bedtime snack, tried a consistent bedtime routine, chiropractor, even melatonin as a last "bad mommy" resort out of desperation .... No luck. The only thing left to try is a very strict schedule as per the Sleepless in America book but it is really hard to implement a schedule that strict (basically down to the minute) when he is so so so irregular as it is. (not to mention I have a hard time keeping to a schedule). We are currently visiting family for a few weeks and it has been chaos here, moving to different beds, people coming and going, no real schedule at all and it is definitely having an impact (we were doing a bit of a schedule before we left home and he was sleeping a bit better). He also cut four molars at once a couple of weeks ago and *wailed* for a week straight. It was horrible

We are all at the end of our ropes, I feel the same hopelessness and resentfulness as you do, OP. it is really hard to see people with toddlers who sleep so well and wonder what we are doing wrong. When I hear people complaining their kid is waking once or twice a night I want to shake them- hard!!

So yeah, really really feeling your pain. Still waiting for things to get better here. Still thinking "this shall pass" but I am beginning to wonder if it actually will, it feels like I have been saying that forever :/

[newmamalizzy]

Originally Posted by Weevil 

Oh I just came to this forum to post a thread about the same issue!! My 18 month old is waking every hour all night long, sometimes waking in the night and staying up for a couple hours besides. It is driving me near insane with sleep deprivation. He has never been a sleeper and I haven't had more than four hours straight since he was born. He is also spirited and that combined with him not sleeping well makes for very long days of near constant meltdowns and whiney crankiness (which is hard enough to deal with when I have had sleep let alone when I am sleep deprived and cranky myself!)
We have also tried nearly everything to no avail. We have tried keeping him busy all day, quiet all day, tried to physically exhaust him, moved bath to before dinner instead of right before bed, bedtime snack, tried a consistent bedtime routine, chiropractor, even melatonin as a last "bad mommy" resort out of desperation .... No luck. The only thing left to try is a very strict schedule as per the Sleepless in America book but it is really hard to implement a schedule that strict (basically down to the minute) when he is so so so irregular as it is. (not to mention I have a hard time keeping to a schedule). We are currently visiting family for a few weeks and it has been chaos here, moving to different beds, people coming and going, no real schedule at all and it is definitely having an impact (we were doing a bit of a schedule before we left home and he was sleeping a bit better). He also cut four molars at once a couple of weeks ago and *wailed* for a week straight. It was horrible
We are all at the end of our ropes, I feel the same hopelessness and resentfulness as you do, OP. it is really hard to see people with toddlers who sleep so well and wonder what we are doing wrong. When I hear people complaining their kid is waking once or twice a night I want to shake them- hard!!
So yeah, really really feeling your pain. Still waiting for things to get better here. Still thinking "this shall pass" but I am beginning to wonder if it actually will, it feels like I have been saying that forever :/

Have you tried altering his diet?  What is he like when he wakes up?  (So sorry, BTW.  Mine was a very poor sleeper, too, but has gotten much better in the past 2 months or so.  Could be a coincidence; could be due to the dietary changes we've made.  Not sure.) 

[Hymanroth]

I highly recommend looking into dietary stuff. Try food lab group on yahoo groups.

My son is allergic to wheat and gluten- the times when he had it either from my milk or eaten ( by accident)
he has screamed all night. Like so fussy that I can't put him down and I keep wondering what the heck is wrong and he just seems so uncomfortable and upset. I realized it was that in his diet.

Can you try camilia or other homeopathic medicine? I have so many from whole foods. I tried them all out because I was having a hard time. I realized gas tablets, teething tablets and camilia are amazing.

OH! And a couple nights ago my son sipped chamomile lavender tea and went to sleep right after. He had seemed so fussy - and bath time with me before bed is wonderful.

One morning I was so exhausted ( I had a long night out) and so I took a bubble bath with my son after we woke up, and he nursed and fell asleep again he just thinks we go to sleep after our baths. Haha