When and how to set limits on nursing ~feeling confused

[P.J.]

DS is 16months. When he was a baby I theorized that I would never set limits on BFing and do everything child-led. Fast forward to now, and I am starting to feel like it’s time to set some limits.

It’s not even every day I feel like this, and his habits are not always consistent….but there are plenty of days when we are here at home and it seems like all he wants to do is nurse. I don’t mean drink where he gets lots of milk either, or for comfort like when he’s upset. I get the feeling it is out of boredom, or perhaps to get my full attention. I am sure to offer him lots of physical touch and cuddles, so that is readily available, but maybe he just wants it in the form of nursing, IDK. I try to be available to him and involved, but I worry that maybe this is his way of telling me I need to be even more present, again I really don’t get the rhyme and reason of these days he seems to be saying “booboo, booboo, booboo” all day long every few seconds. He only does it when we're at home, otherwise he's too distracted.

All I can say for sure is I am getting tired of it. I love our nursing relationship otherwise and I have no plan to wean him or anything. I just feel like I would prefer to have fixed times when we nurse and really enjoy it fully those times, rather than this all day wanting-on-and-off and a-sip-here-a-tug-there kind of scenario we have going now.

I also don’t really feel right about using nursing as a cure for boredom, or even as the main way we connect physically. (BTW we cosleep and he nurses some at night too, which until now is not a problem). I try to keep us occupied and busy but unless we are out or have friends over and he’s distracted, he seems to get bored pretty easily and I have to ramp up a full-on entertainment program.

Anyway I want to know from those who have BTDT how did you decide it was time to set limits, what sort of limits did you set and how did you do it?

Many thanks, I am feeling very confused and not sure how to proceed from here. I want to be child-led in my approach, and I do love nursing, but I just get the feeling it’s time for a change somehow.

[callmeina]

I'm afraid don't have any real advice to offer but I CAN sympathize with you as DD (2y4mo) & I are right there with you in this. I know I could use some guidance from other mama's about setting limits around breastfeeding - actually, i have doubts about my ability to credibly set limits with her about anything as we seemed to have entered a phase in which any attempt i make to assert myself about anything can so quickly devolve into a power struggle at which point i quickly end up giving in and then feeling unhappy/guilty/uncertain about not doing the right thing as a parent...

 

Originally Posted by P.J. 

I also don’t really feel right about using nursing as a cure for boredom, or even as the main way we connect physically.

When the issue is nursing i think my ambivalence plays a powerful role because i'm finding that for me, simply reading/learning more about child-led weaning is helping me feel more comfortable with our situation. (I'm just now taking the time to do this and just found a blog post about the validity of 'non-nutritive' nursing that sort of calmed me.) 

I am also beginning to think that opening the communication lines with DD about nursing (particularly when i don't have an agenda) may be a workable approach, or at least a way into this that doesn't lead straight to the power-struggle i so want to keep out of our nursing relationship.  Earlier this summer, during the final stretch of a long car ride she was falling apart in the back seat wanting to nurse so that she could go to sleep and i was able to interrupt the melt-down a few times by talking about the different people and animals/pets we know and asking her if she thought they were nursing right now - it caught her attention for a bit since it is not something we'd ever discussed before.  And then just this past week a couple of times, i tried to explain that i didn't want to nurse where other people could see us - i felt a bit awkward about that since although it is honest, it is not a reason that i'm exactly proud of and i don't want to transmit any feelings of shame - but i did notice that a few days later, the second time i said something along those lines, she seemed to hear me and accept it (at least temporarily) and while we didn't avoid the nursing session altogether, we moved to a location where i felt more comfortable. 

I guess this is all i've got right now (this is my first post on here ever) - mostly i just wanted to commiserate and hope someone else out there can chime in... :) 

[KempsMama]

Limits can be a slippery slope, but limits can also save a nursing relationship. If you feel at your wits end, I think setting some limits might be in order. If it doesn't work out well, you can always go back to the way it is now.

[Subhuti]

First of all, I tend to be a fairly nuturing/giving/loved nursing person ... I know that about myself.  My rule of thumb was, that if a lingering resentment or feeling over-used crept in ... I knew I had to scale back.  I don't mean those "Oh, no, not again!" flashes ... those happen and then fade.  But I didn't want to be doing it with resentment in my heart ... makes the milk curdle!

That said, I free - nursed, even at 16 months.  I didn't feel tired of it.  However, with each child, I stopped at 18 months.  My first, I was then pregnant and solely dry-nursing.  It was very physically irritating -- a weird feeling -- can't explain it. I became repelled by it.  My second, I suddenly, perhaps because I was returning attempting to do more work outside the house, with my child, I felt done.  It was hard for me to have her there at work and be nursing constantly -- she was a constant nurser!!  

HTH, but every one is so different.

[mamajessicalynn]

My daughter is 15 months. Right after her first birthday I decided I didn't want her all day nursing anymore. I made sure to be out and about all day she was distracted and didn't want to nurse. It took a good two weeks but finally it got to the point we could stay home and she wouldn't worry about nursing. We still have our morning and night time nursing but during the day she's good unless she's sick. Then she wants to nurse again. I wish you all the luck in the world I know I was ready to give up nursing all together because she was always wanting me. Now I'm back to loving it again. And plan to continue until she's ready to stop. Jessica Lynn

[MelW]

I have found nursing to be the most challenging between 1 and 2 with my kids. After two, when it slowed down significantly and they were more verbally and developmentally capable to understand limits (and "soon" and "later") things were much smoother.

In the interim, I coped by spending as much time as we could away from things and places that triggered a lot of nursing. We went out A LOT for distraction, especially to the park and places where we didn't often nurse. I did less housework that involved ignoring the kids and made them want to ramp up the nursing for my attention (or I included them in the housework so that they were occupied). I made sure that water and snacks were frequent. I almost never sat down during the day, to avoid the inevitable toddler on my lap lifting my shirt. And when we nursed, I sat down with a book and enjoyed the quiet down time. I didn't schedule nursing times and I resigned myself to the occasional frequent nursing days (still do...), but I tried to make our lives busy and full to avoid the bored nursing that seemed to happen and make me irritated.

Good luck!