Self Soothing

[BabySmurf]

My Mom has been telling me that I need to teach my almost 11 month old to self soothe.  She's not recommending letting him CIO or anything, but that I start trying to let him figure out how to soothe himself (i.e. not nursing him so much, trying to teach him to fall asleep on his own, trying to introduce a "lovey", etc).  She said that she never taught me how to do it, so I never learned good coping skills, where as my little brother used to suck his thumb, and he has great coping skills.  (she's right on that).  I think, though, it has more to do with temperment and personality what one does to cope.  I think that it's important not to smother a child so that they learn how to deal with their emotions, but at this age, allowing my DS to nurse for comfort and nurse to sleep should still be beneficial. 

Do your breast fed babies/toddles self soothe? How did they learn, or did you "teach" them?

Any insight would be appreciated, because although I love our nursing to sleep relationship now, I know eventually he will need to learn to go to sleep on his own.  (Again, is this a milestone that they get to on their own?)

TIA!

[dejagerw]

I totally agree with you. A baby's ability to self soothe is based on temperament. I didn't do anything different with my 2 kids, but DS2 was totally way better at self soothing than DS1. However it's not like DS1 can't self soothe at all. Stick with your instincts ;) You don't need to "teach" a baby to self soothe anymore than you need to "teach" them to walk or sleep through the night. They will do it on their own when they're ready.

[lotta_earth]

Babysmurf I have similar questions.I also wonder if other BF toddlers fall asleep on their own??? I love nursing him but feel this is leading to disaster.

My 19 mo old son has never fallen asleep on his own. It is always on the boob, in the car/bike or stroller, walking or bouncing on the ball. I am only nursing 2x/day now, when he wakes and before night sleep. I want him to be able to fall asleep on his own. I know this is a gradual process but am at a loss for how to start.

He still wakes in the night whether it is for just a few mins to be held and fall back asleep in my or my husbands arms or to be walked or else has to sleep with us to fall back asleep. He is a wonderful happy child except when he first wakes. He cries like crazy, and I find this a bit strange but it has been this way forever. Maybe 3 times I can recall him waking with soft little babble. Has anyone else had this experience?

Looking forward to others feedback. Thanks for bringing this up Babysmurf.

[dejagerw]

I nurse my oldest son, we say prayers, I turn on his CD and leave the room. He falls asleep on his own. He just turned 3 and has been doing this for almost a year. This was a gradual progression over time for us. No sleep training here.

[PatioGardener]

My 18 month old nurses to sleep, nurses when he is upset, and nurses when he needs to reconnect with me. Everyone he meets comments on how well adjusted he is - how independent and adventurous. It may be just his temperament, or it may be that he knows I'll be there when he needs me, and he can stay connected and attached to me as long as he needs, and that allows him to be adventurous and independent.

I say follow your instincts and ignore the advice from family and friends that doesn't sit will with you.

[lifeguard]

I nursed ds to sleep at night until he was 2 & for naps until he dropped them at 2.5. It was a gradual, natural process but he does fall asleep quite well on his own now. For me it was very important he was verbal before we made the transition so that I knew he understood & that he could ask questions/express himself.

I totally agree that temperament is a big part of it.

[transylvania_mom]

Did your mom breastfeed you?

[BabySmurf]

Originally Posted by transylvania_mom 

Did your mom breastfeed you?

she did breastfeed me, but says i says i self weaned at 9 months.  (she says once i learned how to use a cup i had no interest in taking the breast  - i wanted to be independent).  she also BF'd my younger brother.  but he sucked his thumb - learned in the womb.  i think these two statements say a lot about our personalities.  my mom just remembers how much easier it was with my brother, and thinks that i should make an attempt to let my DS learn some other way of soothing so that things are easier for me.  really i think she just wants to babysit more often and thinks that i will be more comfortable with it if he is easier to put to sleep...although he will nap with them if they rock him. i think she's angling to have him for a late night/overnight and ds is no where near night weaned.

i'm just curious what other people kids have done - did they replace nursing with some other way of soothing? or did they just eventually grow out of the need for nursing? if people weaned their kids, how did they approach it? by introducing some kind of replacement for comfort? or by just slowly eliminating nursing sessions?  i'm curious what others experiences have been, both so i can have some kind of back round to discuss with my mom, and just because i am interested.  Thanks!!

[transylvania_mom]

Originally Posted by BabySmurf 

she did breastfeed me, but says i says i self weaned at 9 months.  (she says once i learned how to use a cup i had no interest in taking the breast  - i wanted to be independent).  she also BF'd my younger brother.  but he sucked his thumb - learned in the womb.  i think these two statements say a lot about our personalities.  my mom just remembers how much easier it was with my brother, and thinks that i should make an attempt to let my DS learn some other way of soothing so that things are easier for me.  really i think she just wants to babysit more often and thinks that i will be more comfortable with it if he is easier to put to sleep...although he will nap with them if they rock him. i think she's angling to have him for a late night/overnight and ds is no where near night weaned.

i'm just curious what other people kids have done - did they replace nursing with some other way of soothing? or did they just eventually grow out of the need for nursing? if people weaned their kids, how did they approach it? by introducing some kind of replacement for comfort? or by just slowly eliminating nursing sessions?  i'm curious what others experiences have been, both so i can have some kind of back round to discuss with my mom, and just because i am interested.  Thanks!!

My kids outgrew the need for nursing. I think they all do, but it might take longer than you expect.

See, your mom is the living proof that giving up BF doesn't teach a baby to self soothe. There isn't much you can do to change a child's personality (unless you CIO, then you can impact their growth in a negative way). Some kids are more needy than others, and the more you respond to their needs, the more trusting and independent they become.

Ds used to BF every hour or two for the first months of his life, and I remember reading newsletters sent by Nestle and Similac where they say he was supposed to soothe himself. I was thinking, what did I do wrong???

It took me a long time to realize that:

first, he was a baby, and all babies need their moms beside them

and second, he had an intense personality, and he needed me maybe more than others.

I am very happy to see that all the hard work in the first years made ds strong and independent.

Is your mom open to co-sleeping with your ds when babysitting? I bet it would be easier for both of them.

[Shaki]

DD (5) grew out of nursing (mostly) on her own. I did night wean her at 18 months and I began shortening daytime nursings when she was 2.5--she weaned at 3. She's got all kinds of strategies for calming down but these relate more to facing difficult challenges (new school or social situations, conflicts with her cousin. disagreements with me or her Daddy) than for "self soothing" in the way that people usually mean. I sort of take "self soothing" to mean not crying and falling asleep easily with little to no adult support, which has never been on the top of my list of things that were important for my kid to do. So it's not a paradigm that I really got too jacked up about and as a result not something that we pursue aggressively in our household. I do know many Mama's (who I respect) who did need/want their child to fall asleep on their own, and their kids now do that. These kids are great happy kids, so I'm NOT saying there is anything wrong with needing a child to fall asleep on their own, and finding a gentle way to help them with that. Just that it's never something that's been important in our family. DD is still parented to sleep most nights--we read to her and one of us hangs out in the room until she's asleep. She is capable of falling asleep on her own, and has done it  when DH is out and I'm dealing with DS, or my mom is taking care of her, or she's with a sitter.  I now think of spending time with her at bedtime as a luxury not a necessity. It doesn't take long and it's a special way to connect. My DS is 6 months and nurses to sleep and probably will for a while to come yet. he can fall asleep being bounced, rocked, or walked by DH (or my mom or sister). His baby temperament is more easy going than DD's was. And I think it's just the nature of the beast that second (or third or fourth) babies are more used to being passed from hand to hand.

Both my Mom and MIL LOVE rocking, holding, DS and they loved doing it with DD too. My MIL thought co-sleeping was kind of weird until she babysat DD and we came home to find them cuddled up in our bed... both sound asleep and my MIL totally blissed out from the sleepy cuddle time. Could you maybe teach your mom some strategies to help sooth your babe? Maybe once she's rocked or cuddled you little one to sleep she won't think "self soothing" is such a big deal.

[BabySmurf]

I didn't mean to imply that she thought i should stop nursing or anything like that.  i think that she thinks that we are just too "attached" and that life in general is more difficult because i haven't let him figure out how to *deal* with things yet.  i think the sleeping thing is just the most accessible example she can think of - i dedicate a lot of time to helping DS sleep and stay asleep.  he's just not a good sleeper and i deal with it the best way i can   .  she's not opposed to co sleeping, and in fact would love the chance to do so - it's more she's worried that my relationship with my DH will suffer if i keep needing to dedicate so much time to DS.  i think that she is just trying to mother me mothering my son, kwim? things that she found difficult with me as a baby, she is trying to suggest i be proactive so that hopefully they will be easier for us. 

i feel as pp mentioned that, like me when i was a baby, my DS is just kinda intense and needs the loving.  DS just turned one, and i feel like my attentiveness is still much needed, and as his comprehension of the world around him and his ability to interpret and express his feelings about it develop, so will his independence.  it's my job to take his cues about when he is ready and help him do it.  i just don't know to which degree i should "help", and if it would be beneficial to give him some kind of "lovey".  (do you teach them to use one, or do they develop that kind of bond on their own?) i kind of like the idea that he relates to people for comfort rather than a teddy (not that i think that there's anything really wrong with it, just at this point i hate to give him something just to have to take it away). 

i do think she is worried about how reliant DS is nursing, and although i don't think that she would question my judgement on the issue, i think that she thinks "extended" BFing is weird.  she knows that right now nursing is still very much a part of our lives that won't go away, she just thinks that if i don't take proactive action that it will be hard to stop...which is odd considering both my brother and i "self weaned" relatively young.  i dunno, i'm just verbalizing thoughts at this point!