I am exhausted. Prodromal labor for the last 3 weeks has meant lack of sleep, being emotionally drained and overall not a good version of myself.
I don't mind pain. In fact, pain during labor doesn't really register as "pain" for me-it seems like a good thing-a great thing-because a baby will be close behind, and no matter how hard the labor one look-one smell of that babe, and it all fades into a distant, blissful memory...
But this? How can I be contracting 3-4 minutes apart, with contractions lasting 1.5 minutes long, some of which are strong enough to cause discomfort that borders on pain....for 4-6 hours almost every day/night, and NOT have a baby?
I'm so tired of women telling me I shouldn't feel frustrated because:"After all, lots of women go to 42 weeks, and you're not even at your duedate yet!". ALL of my babies have come early. Early and fast. That's what I signed-up for this time around, and instead I'm dealing with this.
I'm freaked out that this means she's going to be a really hard delivery-(no logic there except that my body isn't working like it 'should' ", so who's to say it will during birth?) I'm supposed to be sure-strong-knowledgeable and unflinching in my resolution and belief that babies come when they're ready, that women are created-designed-to birth, and that it is a spiritual and beautiful process. I mean, I wrote the book on it. Literally!
But instead, I'm a pile of emotion, fear, worry and illogic. I'm sure this baby won't ever come out on her own. I'm sure, that despite being perfectly healthy, she is unable to come out for some reason and I'll end-up with a C-section. I'm stressed and worn out, and I feel like a big fat whiney baby.
Please tell me I'm not crazy-that it's ok to feel irrational, to think illogical thoughts after 3 weeks of exhaustion, and that I will-someday-somehow-actually have a squirming bundle in arms!