Supervised visitation question...

[kblackstone444]

At what point would they cut short a supervised visit if it's the child with the problem and the parent is not "technically" doing anything wrong?

My eight month old son will be going to supervised visitation with his father probably starting next week.  The judge left it up to us and our lawyers to pick a day and time, but I'm gonna set it up for an hour at a time, because he is a stranger to my son (and safety is an issue, also.)  His father... let's just say, would not cut a visit short no matter how upset my son is, because to him, visitation is all about HIM getting to see HIS son, not his son's time to see him, know what I mean?  He's pushing to take our son for full weekends, even though our son does not know him, has not seen him in 6 months, and repeatedly threatens filing for full custody, because it's all about possession of property.

Anyways, My son gets very upset, inconsolable (except by me) sometimes.  He will cry hysterically, become covered in sweat, fight to get out of whoever's holding him's arms, vomit (from being upset), and cry so hard he holds his breath.  The visitation place told me "if he's gonna cry for his father, he's gonna cry for the supervisor, so they don't really cut visits short" and I will have to leave, because I have a restraining order against his father.  Mamas with experience with supervised visitation... do these places REALLY hold a child for an hour, two hours, whatever, because it's the father's time, even if the child is doing more than just crying?  If so, is there a way to prevent it, or at least put some kind of limit on it?  If I forced my son to sit on a stranger's lap and he was hysterically screaming and I continued to force him to sit on a stranger's lap and be kissed all over by this stranger, CPS would be called on me for child abuse, but it's okay to do if it's forced supervised visitation with a father?

[Avani]

When we were doing supervised visits the supervisor told  me that if children tell her they are done with the visit, don't want to visit anymore, or become very uncomfortable then she stops the visits. I would hope that if your baby gets very inconsolable that a supervisor would suggest to call you to come and get the baby but my understanding is that a judge is going to view it as the father's time regardless. I guess I was lucky to have a good supervisor. Maybe find another place?

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Avani 

When we were doing supervised visits the supervisor told  me that if children tell her they are done with the visit, don't want to visit anymore, or become very uncomfortable then she stops the visits. I would hope that if your baby gets very inconsolable that a supervisor would suggest to call you to come and get the baby but my understanding is that a judge is going to view it as the father's time regardless. I guess I was lucky to have a good supervisor. Maybe find another place?

This is a different situation, b/c your children are verbal (and are all school age), so they can clearly express it.

Unfortunately, with an 8mo, there is no way to know what is upsetting the baby, or know exactly why he is crying.  You can certainly ask the supervisor to come get you, so that you can calm the baby down, and then continue the visit after the baby calms down.  However, part of forming a parental relationship is allowing the father to learn how to comfort the baby, so at some point, the baby and his father are going to have to figure that out.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Unfortunately, with an 8mo, there is no way to know what is upsetting the baby, or know exactly why he is crying.  You can certainly ask the supervisor to come get you, so that you can calm the baby down, and then continue the visit after the baby calms down.  However, part of forming a parental relationship is allowing the father to learn how to comfort the baby, so at some point, the baby and his father are going to have to figure that out.

That irritates me.  Not that you said it, but the mind frame of the people behind it that make it true.  It doesn't take verbal skills to scream hysterically and frantically push away from the person holding you.  And his father wouldn't be a stranger to him if I hadn't had to file a restraining order for our safety.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Avani 

I guess I was lucky to have a good supervisor. Maybe find another place?

I wish I could!  I had to find an affordable (to me) place halfway between the Bronx and Western Massachusetts that accepted us.  This was the best option I had, unless I wanted to go with no supervision.

[maeby]

Is there absolutely no way you could stay for the first 30 min while he gets used to his dad/supervisor? Obviously an 8 month old is going to freak when his mom leaves him with 2 complete strangers. Can you get there a half hour before the dad and get baby used to at least the supervisor?

[kblackstone444]

I cannot, will not be in the same room with the father.  For my own safety, plus, my baby will not be allowed to get comfortable knowing his father on my lap- his father wants him on his lap from minute one.  It's HIS time, HE gets to hold the baby.  (Same father who refused to let my baby, then 9 weeks old, nurse, because he was hungry during HIS time, and if he wanted to eat while it was his father's time, then he'd better learn how to use a bottle with formula, formula because the milk comes from Mommy and it's HIS time with the baby.  )  I do plan on asking the supervisor to visit with us a few minutes before, so that my baby can at least get used to the supervisor.  I know my baby, though- he will be inconsolable.  We live with my sister, who's a stay at home Mom as well.  He sees my sister almost as much as he sees her, she's wonderful with children, and sometimes she can't even console him when he gets like that.  I feel like I've been court ordered to emotionally abuse (neglect?) my child.

[maeby]

:( can your sister take him? and possibly stay there?

[chloema]

Back in 2008, my then 7 year old was ordered to have supervised visitation with her father. When the court ordered therapist came to take her to meet with her dad, she completely freaked out and refused to go. The therapist decided to end the session and wrote a letter explaining her decision to the judge. A good visitation facilitator is not going to allow your baby to be in distress for a long period of time, although you might want to call around to other supervised visitation providers and find out what guidelines they follow.