Please help with my son's epic tantrums!

[kandcy]

Hi mommas, I hope you can help!

Here's my situation: my son is only 13 months and I cannot believe the tantrums he has started to throw when he cannot have something. I am not sure what to do about the most recent episode, not letting him have the phone. Unfortunately I think I messed up because I let him play with the phone a few days ago, and thought nothing of it because he was fine to give it back, but now he has become obsessed with it and won't let me talk on the phone at all and throws epic meltdowns whenever he sees it!

I have tried distractions and redirecting him, but he won't forget about the phone! I don't want to give it to him in fear of teaching him that his behavior will get him what he wants, but now the phone triggers him every time he sees it, and not being able to play with it makes it even worse! And forget about making any phone calls!

This morning I had to check a message and it sent him into hysterics. I decided to ignore it, stay calm and be there for him, but he could not have the phone. His tantrum lasted for so long, he finally wore himself out and crumpled in a pathetic mess to nurse and fell asleep. I felt so bad, and I cannot do this every time he freaks out!

Should I let him play with the phone again when he is calm and not screaming for it? Or should it be off limits for good and hopefully he'll forget about it? I don't know what to do!

He has also learned to cry and scream to his older sister for things he wants from her, and she usually gives it to him because she doesn't want to hear him scream at her. Not sure how to handle it, I feel like we are all walking around on egg shells, giving him everything he screams at us for so he doesn't freak out.

Help! I feel like I have created a demanding screaming monster! How can I turn this around! I want to teach him that screaming at us is not the way to get what he wants!

Any advice greatly appreciated!! Thank you!

[organicviolin]

eeep! That does not sound fun. I would have the phone be off limits and just be there for him. Don't feed the situation by trying to make it go away. If he needs to cry and scream, then let him. Don't give him any attention. Just say, I love you, I'm here when you calm down a little and go about your business. Try teaching DD to do the same. He'll give it a good one a couple of times, realize he doesn't get anything, even negative attention for it and settle down. That's what we did for DS. Also, he knows now (at 2.5) that if he whines, cries, screams at us for anything, it won't happen. If he uses his nice words and nice tone, we can see if we can come to an agreement. Usually it's about what food to eat...I remember one day he screamed at me for a banana for 45 minutes and I just repeated, of course you can have it, when you ask me nicely! It took 45 minutes of major meltdown and repetition...but he's since gotten it and has nice manners.

[sunwise]

Hi there! No great advice for you, just wanted to say you are not alone! My 13 month old DS also has certain items that completely set him off - our iPhones and our computer are the biggest ones. And unfortunately I haven't always been good at keeping them away from him consistently. If he even catches a glimpse of my phone, he wants it and gets mad that he can't have it. With these items, now we try to hide them out of his sight because they are *such* triggers. (I think that these are really interesting to him because he has been around them his entire life - we used them around him all the time when he was young and not mobile.) With other items that he doesn't have such a strong attachment to, I try to either be consistent about never giving them to him or set conditions (like, you can have mama's spoon, but only *after* she finishes her yogurt).

But the tantrums are no fun. I hope he grows out of it eventually!

[andromedajulie]

I have a 14mo old, and I know this can be really annoying. I think it's developmentally appropriate though, in that they are really developing a stronger ego and also the physical abilities to get what they want. So the whole concept of wanting something outside themselves, being potentially able to get it, and being thwarted is huge. I try to bear that in mind. I think that if it's a generally off-limits item (like the phone), it's easier to just say no, all the time. He will get used to it. One month ago I had way more tantrums of this type than I do now. We still have them, definitely, and will more in the future, but it's not nonstop forever. I try to present it like it's a law of nature, ie/ "I'm so sorry, I wish we didn't have to breathe air, but we do - it's how humans are, and I can't change it. Likewise, I'm so sorry, I wish I could give you the phone, but unfortunately, phones are not for babies, and I can't change that." They can't talk, so crying is just how they are going to express that frustration. Sometimes I just laugh. (sometimes I cry!!!!) You are not alone, mama!!

[Snapdragon]

I would try to teach him that yes he can have the phone sometimes, and no he cannot other times-(if I read it correctly that is what you want him to be able to eventually know- right?)  and when you say no, redirect immedietely with something else that beeps with buttons or something else interesting! Just saying no and having his attention fixed on it will cause him to stay focused on it. So you can let him play with it when you actually don't mind, but when you do you can say, no, I don't want you to play with the phone right now but lets play with this! and if he gets upset try to continue to redirect to something else fun that catches his attention that he can do. I also find that a little snack he likes (with my toddler) can redirect his attention sometimes if he is heading down a road that way. We have these yogurt drink things he really likes so if he is getting really fixated on something I can say, do you want some sips of yogurt? But best to try first with other toys and things.

I don't think you should worry about teaching him that screaming is not the way to get what he wants at this age, I think they are too young to understand that.  He is only expressing his frustration in the way he knows how. So keep it simple, and know that as an adult you do sometimes know better about what they should or shouldn't touch and play with- so don't feel bad for saying no, more like you are just teaching your child the boundaries that happen in life- you can do some things but not others. good luck

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by Snapdragon 

I would try to teach him that yes he can have the phone sometimes, and no he cannot other times-(if I read it correctly that is what you want him to be able to eventually know- right?)  and when you say no, redirect immedietely with something else that beeps with buttons or something else interesting! Just saying no and having his attention fixed on it will cause him to stay focused on it. So you can let him play with it when you actually don't mind, but when you do you can say, no, I don't want you to play with the phone right now but lets play with this! and if he gets upset try to continue to redirect to something else fun that catches his attention that he can do. I also find that a little snack he likes (with my toddler) can redirect his attention sometimes if he is heading down a road that way. We have these yogurt drink things he really likes so if he is getting really fixated on something I can say, do you want some sips of yogurt? But best to try first with other toys and things.

I don't think you should worry about teaching him that screaming is not the way to get what he wants at this age, I think they are too young to understand that.  He is only expressing his frustration in the way he knows how. So keep it simple, and know that as an adult you do sometimes know better about what they should or shouldn't touch and play with- so don't feel bad for saying no, more like you are just teaching your child the boundaries that happen in life- you can do some things but not others. good luck

Yep.  I agree here. 

At that age, we made a wood phone for DS (now 26 months) for him to play with.  He always wants to do what we do, naturally.  Also... my DS was teething a ton and having major growth spirts at that age.  Can add to the mix, KWIM? 

[ThreeTwoFive]

Just wait until he's 2 and having a tantrum because of something completely impossible.  Like, "my water bottle is the wrong color!" or "I want my [insert toy that doesn't exist in the house.]  :)

I like the part of Happiest Toddler on the Block where you validate their feelings in cave person language.  Get down to his level and grunt, "Phone!  You want phone!  You want play with phone now!  Now! Now! Now!  You say 'I want mommy's phone!'"  And then when he's either feeling validated (or just completely stunned that mommy is acting so strange), you explain empathetically but matter-of-factly  that he can't have the phone right now.  

[caetlinh]

We have the exact same problem with our 13 month old!  Although she understands the word "no" well, I don't feel like you can rationalize much when they're this age.  Our solution was to get an old phone from the ATT store, it cost about $15 and let her have that one. LOL.  IN another three months she'll be onto something else I'm sure. good luck!