Why would I ever do this again? fat and exhausted.

[annaconda]

II'm posting for some encouragement.

There are many days where I have this nagging feeling that I never want to go through this again. My Lo is just over 4mo and he and I are both sick, dealing with sleep regression, teething, dh went away for an 8 day stretch and now has to travel again...

I feel gross. I'm up to a size 20 pants. I will be able to lose weight when I can exercise regularly. But I've got nasty insomnia (can't get back to sleep after middle of night bf session) that keeps me exhausted. Also bfing makes any time away from the baby challenging. My mil left my freezer stash out and it got ruined (accidentally) so its either pump or bf or supplement and you probably have some sense of the guilt I feel around that.

I'm back to work part time (which is way more than part time).

And Lo is starting reverse cycle which is great but is bad for my insomnia. Not getting back to sleep after 2am is um terrible and it is making me crazy.

Why would I ever do this again? I don't want my baby to be an only but the thought of voluntarily doing this again is one of those things that makes me toss and turn at night. I don't think I can. I hate the person I am right now. The baby is flourishing and is great but I am fraying. My therapist thinks I have a touch of ppd (mostly anxiety). It is racing mind that keeps me up. Never was a great deep sleeper though. I am a stress eater too. I'm working with my therapist on overeating/emotional issues that run in my family. Stress eating is not helping the situation.

I am a good mom to my baby but I feel like I'm not cut out for this. I'm the default for everything and I feel so yucky. Trying to have loving-kindness toward myself but its very hard.

is there a light at the end of the infant tunnel??? I already know I won't be having a second kid for a long time. I wish I could give my boy a sibling to play with and frankly I wish I could get all the baby rearing in my life over with but I cant go there again any time soon.

Everyone says I'm just thinking too much or whatever. And I look around this site with awe. People seem to have tons of babies! I like kids, I have worked with kids since I was a kid myself. But I'm not doing well with babies. As I said the baby is fine. I feel like I'm disappearing into a fat miserable blob. Ugh.

[Peony]

My first child was a really rough transition. I always say that for that first year I honestly don't know who cried more, me or her. She was one of those never sleeping, always screaming children. Easy has never been a word that has ever been applied to her! I did go on to have 4 children, but my first two were almost 4 years apart. It was a while before I could convince myself to go through that again! 

She is only 4 months old. Focus on her right now, worry about possible others later. You don't have to know right now if she will be an only or not. Someday things will be easier, and maybe then you will want another child. Or maybe not, nothing wrong with having one child. 

[MrsBone]

I wish I could give you a hug right now. I went through a similar experience with my son(insomnia, a baby that wouldn't sleep, feeling like I was the default for everything-cause I had the boobs.) I knew I wanted more than one baby, but the thought of going through everything thing again in the moment seemed impossible. Just last summer before I got pregnant with DD, my DS was clung to me it seemed 24/7, bf-ing, sick and just needed mama all the time. I felt completely touched out. I had always said I wanted to wean DS before getting pg again, and it never happened. Lo and behold, I got pregnant and DS weaned himself. After that, I felt like a new woman again. I had time to myself, I could leave DS with other people..So I had 7 months of freedom before starting all over again. Then looking back at everything I went through seemed like such a distant memory, and then I missed it. I know this is of know help right now, while you're going through it, but even now, when I'm dealing with a tough time with DD, I try and remind myself of that day that I felt nostalgic about DS's babyhood, and remind myself that it will get easier.

For the insomnia- turned out I had major thyroid issues which were causing my insomnia. My mind would race, my heart would race, and I could only sleep about 3 hours at a time without taking something to go back to sleep. Have you tried taking benadryl, melatonin or valerian? I swear I lived on those when DS was an infant. It didn't seem to affect my milk supply or DS at all. It might be worth a shot..going too long without sleep not only can affect you emotionally but physically as well. That sucks about you milk stash getting ruined. I know it takes work and time, but if you could just pump one extra session a day, you would have enough milk to leave DC with a sitter or MIL so you can have some time to yourself, to sleep. or just do something for you. Also, stock up on some homeopathics! It was always so frustrating for me when I didn't know what was causing DS's discomfort, and I was always wary of giving him anything when I didn't always know what the problem was. Homeopathics are safe and you can't overdose on them. Get some for teething, colic, cold&cough and gas..If all that fails then try baby tylenol or advil. Are you cosleeping? If not, it might be beneficial to try and get your child to go back to sleep without nursing. He may eventually sleep through the night, allowing your sleep to get back on track as well. if your are cosleeping, I've found that rolling over and popping a boob in his mouth made it uch easier for me to get back to sleep. If I had to get out of bed,

i was awake, sometimes for hours. Good luck, it does get easier!!

[IzzyTheTerrible]

Just wanted to send you some more support.

I went through similar feelings/thoughts when my nephew came to live with us. 

Once you start the cycle of lack of sleep / insomnia, it's hard to get back into the swing of things!  Just like if baby is over tired it's difficult for him/her to sleep, it's the same for us!

One thing I recently started doing which has improved our relationship by leaps and bounds is when he wakes me up in the early morning and I know he's still going to sleep a bit more - that's when I get up.  I sacrifice a few hours of sleep (which I thought was insane at first) but it gives me some time to get myself together.  I use this time to get some caffeine (obviously I'm not BFing, so I dunno what the rules are with this, sorry), walk the dogs, shower, maybe have some breakfast, get his breakfast readyish, maybe even run some errands, etc.  Since my husband is still at home (albeit, asleep in bed), he gets baby monitor duty while I do what I need to do. 

Like I said, I thought it was kinda nuts, but it gave me a chance to feel like I was in control, like my entire day wasn't ruled by baby. And, better than that, it helped give me time to wake up and pull myself together before a wide awake baby was ready for attention.

Are you still taking good vitamins? 

I'm living off B12 (Country Life B-12 Dibencozide the dibencozide makes it highly bioavailable and it's really cheap and worth a shot!) and Multiple Vitamin (Kal High Potency Soft multiple) supplements right now, and they're really helping me get through (I pop a sublingual B12 when I get an early morning wake-up, that way by the time it's time to be up with him, I'm feeling a little bit human).

This is NOT easy.  Take it one day at a time, and try to have as many positive experiences as you can, so they outweigh the negative ones.

Sending positive energy your way.

[jacksmom0115]

Ugh. I had a hard time as well...it was really rough until about 12 weeks, just ok for a bit, and then it got alot better about when he turned 6 months. I had anxiety too, for awhile. You don't mention a significant other--do you have a partner that can help a bit?

[annaconda]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for reading my crazy rant and for soothing me with your kind words and support.

Firstly, DH gave DS formula over night (since my freezer stash got busted) and let me sleep.  He didn't even wake me when I asked him to around 4am feeding.  I got like 8 hours!!  I woke feeling amazing, happy, rested, etc.  Last night I got a good five hours as well.  I feel so much better.  Being awake in the middle of the night not only means I'm tired, but it makes me feel really edgy to be awake in the wee hours.  Edgy and aggressive and hopeless!

I have tried Benadryl sometimes (like 1x a week lately).  It really puts me to sleep.  Valerian I have tried but doesn't seem to do anything.  Melatonin is next.  It really means a lot to me to hear of other insomniacs with infants getting through it.  I am not an insomniac normally!

I am looking forward to everything while trying to keep savoring the good squeezes with my little one.  He is truly wonderful and I am thankful to be with him.  DH is great with him.  Actually today I am spending the longest time away from him that I've ever done - 12 hours - so I can go take and teach a yoga class tonight for the first time in many months.  I cried when I left today.  These mom hormones are wild!!

ETA: I do need to be taking my vitamins.  Just because you OWN vitamins you still have to take the things!!!  I know that regular fish oil is good for so many things and I have really good stuff downstairs.  I will get on that and look into B vitamin increases.

Thanks again.

[IzzyTheTerrible]

Melatonin really helps me, sometimes just a very small dose if I wake up and can't fall back asleep.  Try a small dose at first, like 1-3 (whatever unit it is, I can't remember if it's Gram or MG).

Another thing that you might try is Natural Calm - it's a powdered magnesium supplement that helps with aches, pains, stress and helps you sleep (though it doesn't keep me asleep like melatonin does).

Hope you start taking your vitamins lady! 

Thank goodness for helpful husbands!  My husband gives me a break on his weekends, to help me catch up on sleep.  I still get up with him in the morning, but he does the night time checks, bottles, changes, etc if there are any.  Just knowing that I can relax helps calm my mind.   I have a baby monitor on my night stand (ok, I lied it's totally right by my head on the headboard), but I still get paranoid when I'm 'on duty,' and wake for every sound, then after I put him to bed, I lay there for an hour listening to his baby noises, then another hour (or two) worrying about things.

[BabySmurf]

Oh hun, I think we have all felt like this!! Having a baby is a TON of work! Try to focus on the moment, and know that this time is fleeting.  Things will get easier - if it didn't there would be a ton of only children

Just something I wanted to throw out there...have you tried cutting soy out of your diet? My DS has food sensitivities, and I had to cut soy out.  When I reintroduced it, it made me feel horrible.  It starts with migraines, and after about 3 days I break into total melt down mode.  I literally start to feel like my world is crashing down around me, and I freak out.  Then after about 5 days it has cleared my system and I feel better.  I think the phytoestrogens in the soy wreak havoc on the progesterone levels in our bodies, which are really important in terms of breast feeding.  It's really hard to cut all soy out, (it's in almost everything, and is usually the main ingredient in vegetable oil), but if you can swing it, I'm willing to bet  it will make a big difference in how you feel.  Just a thought!

[annaconda]

We have decided that Saturday nights are going to be a night off for me.  I'm going to take one day a week to sleep for an 8 hour stretch for right now so I can get back into balance with the sleep.

The last few days have been back to our normal schedule (dream feed at 10 then hope for the best).  I've managed some good sleep.

I will try on the melatonin and I did take my vitamins yesterday and I'll go take them now!

Thank you thank you thank you for the support.  I was having a really difficult time.

[samstress]

oh, anna, so sorry you're feeling this way, but glad you're finding some solutions. 

i had a really hard time after my first.  i was so exhausted (which made me irritable).  i'm quite sure i was suffering from some depression (but was too proud to admit it at the time, choosing instead to insist that i could "do it all").  i went back to work after four months, but chose to work a graveyard shift so i could be home with dd during the day.  i feel like i was a good mom to her, but my health (and sanity suffered).  more important than giving your little one a sibling is making sure that mama is ok.  tess was two years old before i even considered going through it all again (and four when jude arrived). 

there is light at the end of the tunnel and it most definitely does get better (i'm sure many are telling you this, but it's probably not so easy to believe when you're in it.

thinking of you.  take care. 

-sam

[flightgoddess]

Have you had your thyroid levels checked? Pregnancy can sometimes trigger underlying thyroid problems...could help explain the tiredness, fatigue (obviously that is alot of caring for baby) but also the weight and insomnia...

[Blanca78]

I'm so glad your DH fed DS so you got an 8-hour stretch! That is amazing! (I still haven't gone more than 6 hours at a time, due to both the baby waking and my own insomnia). It sounds like you have a bit more on your plate right now than I do, but I know our babes are close in age and just wanted to say I'm right there with you with both the insomnia and the doubts about having a second. I can't wrap my mind around doing this again, either, although I also don't want my daughter to be an only child if it can be helped. So it's very nice to read all these encouraging responses.

[DaisyMae08]

And don't feel guilty about not wanting another one right now.  I felt exactly that way when my son was that age.  He's 9 months old now and I finally feel like I do want another.