Toddler burnout over hair pulling, biting, not sleeping

[Shazer]

My LO is 17 mo and he doesn't go to bed easily.  He also wakes up multiple times during the night to nurse.  If he doesn't get to nurse, he resorts to hair pulling and biting and screaming.  All attempts made by DH and me to nightwean him have failed.  If there is any noise in the house while trying to get him to sleep, he won't go to sleep.  This is hard for my 4.5 daughter who can't help but make noise.  During the day, he generally takes a good nap.  And he falls asleep quickly, too.  But night is such a different story.  Putting him to bed early doesn't stop the problem.  If anything, it sets LO up for tantrums.  Delaying putting him to bed means that he gets crazy and angry and his sister suffers from not getting the attention she needs.

Yesterday, LO must have pulled his sister's hair 12 times.  He doesn't just reach in and yank.  He inserts both hands near scalp and the hair gets kind of woven around his hands.  He won't let go unless I squeeze his hands enough so that it hurts him.  Otherwise, his sister loses chunks of hair.  And he loves pulling hair.  He often laughs when I'm trying to get his hands out of her hair.  No amount of gentle words get him to stop with the hair pulling.  If I'm holding him and talking to another adult, he bites me on the shoulder if I'm taking too long.  No amount of gentle words get him to stop with the biting.

DH is gone for half of the month.  So I'm a single parent right now of my two kids and we don't live near family.  Pretty much all of the friends have little ones and are super busy themselves.

So here it is.  I'm beyond exhausted with never getting enough sleep.  My shoulders are black and blue from the bites.  My daughter is so fed up with her hair being pulled.  We've worked through food intolerances.  Teething is always a possibility, but he has everything except his two year molars.  I know that this phase will pass.  But I want the hair pulling and biting to stop.  As soon as he could first reach for hair as a baby, he's been pulling it.  He's been biting since he first started teething.  I've tried everything gentle.and nothing works. 

Can anyone help with advice for curbing his behavior or giving me some perspective? 

[newmamalizzy]

I don't have a lot of help to offer, but two little thoughts came to mind:  First, have you tried gripping his wrist instead of his hands to get him to open his fists?  If you try it on yourself, you'll find that you can't hold a fist while your fingers are squeezing your wrist at a certain point.  Second thought is about the biting:  It may not make it stop, but have you tried cupping your hand over his mouth at the first hint that he's going to bite you?  DD (18 months) bites my shoulder in anger, but I've been working hard to cup her mouth every time she tries to bite me, and I have seen some improvement.  At least I don't end up with the bite.  I think at this age it's really constant vigilance that's most effective.  Anticipate and stop the behavior before it starts every.single.time.  Then replace it with something more appropriate. Is your daughter mature enough to help you wage that kind of battle? 

[Shazer]

Great idea about cupping my hand over his mouth.  I will try that.  I've tried the grabbing hold of his wrist and found it didn't really get him to let go of hair.  My daughter goes into limp mode whenever her brother yanks her hair.  Usually he gets her from behind, so there isn't a lot she can do.  My daughter has done a little bit of pushing and kicking recently and we've told her that both are wrong unless it is in self-defense.  She then asked if she can defend herself from her little brother by hitting him.  Obviously that isn't going to happen.

After our terrible day on Friday, yesterday my LO neither bit nor pulled hair at all. 

[voca]

In terms of protecting your daughter, would it be possible to put her hair up in braids so that it is difficult for him to get his fingers into it?

[Shazer]

My daughter refuses to have her hair up.  It must be worn down to make her happy.  When we are out, she usually wears a hat.  That helps.