Ack!!! I believe in marriage!

[sren]

I feel so disoriented!   I never in a million years thought that I would be divorced, let alone be the one to end the marriage.  I know that I can't live in that relationship any longer-- I think it was killing me. 

After being separated from him for 4 months, the kids and I are finally starting to find a

groove.  I think we are going to be able to keep homeschooling (fingers crossed), I am applying to a night grad school program, and I just got certified as a volunteer at the local women's shelter. Also I am finally allowing DDs some unsupervised visitation with their dad, so I will get some time to myself soon (weird).

Lately our daily routine has felt almost like an out-of-body experience for me.  I am looking at this surreal new life, and it is not all bad. Some of the changes are even exciting, but it's like I don't recognize it (or me) anymore-- it is so not the life that I had planned.  Sometimes I feel so disoriented that I feel like I could break apart into little pieces, or that that is what has happened to our lives. 

Anyone BTDT with this feeling?

[Mom31]

I likened my leaving my marriage to me taking a sledgehammer to our life.
It takes time to adjust and I still mourn the loss of the family I wish we could have been.

[Learning_Mum]

Yep, totally know the feeling. I used to say that it felt like someone was always missing and then one day I realised that it didn't feel that way any more and whenever I thought about the future I automatically started jus thinking about the boys and I. There was a point where I couldn't even fathom it being any other way.

[blessingscome]

Yep. I hate divorce. I hate being divorced.

But... sometimes is the only viable choice you have.

[sren]

Thanks for the replies.  What I am hearing is that this is part of the adjustment process.  A friend also suggested that the moments of disorientation or unrealness may be related to anxiety-- for example, both are symptoms of PTSD, and I have some other symptoms as well.  Not to diagnose myself, but it wouldn't be terribly surprising considering i just left a long-term DV situation.  I hate feeling like crap, though.

[*MamaJen*]

PTSD is super common coming out of abuse. Also, believe it or not, abuse victims often have some version of Stockholm Syndrome. It's a long walk out of abuse and it's not a straight path. Just keep on reaching out for support and getting reality checks. That's what helped me.

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/effects-of-sexual-assault/stockholm-syndrome

[SeekingSerenity]

I was just diagnosed with PTSD due to the long and abusive relationship I recently got out of.  I was skeptical at first, but I met every single marker for diagnosis except one.  Many of those cross over to major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder, both of which I had been DX'd with in the past.  It was hard to accept PTSD because living that way had just become my way of life and it was difficult to reconcile that condition with ME.  But it made sense after more explanation from the therapist, especially in light of the fact that the abuse (for me) went clear back to childhood and my marriage was simply an extension of what I'd gotten used to growing up.

This whole thing sucks, and it often feels like it is never, ever going to end.  (((((sigh)))))

[sren]

Thanks for the replies, ladies.  I feel so needy lately, and it is wonderful to read your responses.

MamaJen, yep I've had some trauma bonding with my abusers. most recently STBX.  It made me feel sick to realize it, as if my whole life has been based on a fairytale.  I just underwent training to be a DV advocate (volunteer), and I basically recognized myself throughout the whole process. 

SeekingSerenity, if you don't mind me asking, are you doing something to treat the PTSD?   I also just left a situation that was a continuation of childhood abuse, and I hadn't really thought about it in that context before-- thanks.

Edited to add:  I always knew that I had a high startle response, but I really thought that it could be normal to have severe nightmares for one's whole life.  Bizarre now that I am putting the pieces together.