I make other parents cringe... - Page 3

[zinemama]

FarmerBeth, I couldn't get the quote to work on what you wrote, but of course I have friendships with people who have different opinions from me. Heck, I served in the Peace Corps for three years, I get being around people of different backgrounds, and I belong to a very minority faith.

However, I think what you are talking about is very different from what the OP is describing. I'm very happy to be friends with someone who holds different views. But I don't want my kids hanging out with kids who've been taught that cursing is A-ok and do it routinely. Of course, if they modified that behavior around my kids, that would be fine. I didn't see that mentioned in the OP (and haven't read the entire thread). I'm not going to take my 11yo boy somewhere that other kids routinely run around naked. But sure, if they don't do that when pre-teen boys are around, that wouldn't prevent me from hanging out, either. I didn't see that in the OP, either. I think there's a big difference in maintaining friendships with people of other opinions, vs. not wanting your kids around people who exhibit certain behaviors. Big difference.

[FarmerBeth]

OK, get that.  If you read the whole thread, you'd probably get my context.  I can see the distinction between views and behaviors.

[Imakcerka]

Hey the point is that there are people who simply don't like my style of parenting.  And that's cool.  How you do it in your own home and how comfortable you'd feel with your kids around mine are all up to the parent.  We teach respect.  If someone else would feel uncomfortable with nudity.  It wouldn't be respectful to flaunt your wares.  And swearing... that's understood that others don't appreciate it. 

[Adia]

No advice here, just a lot of support. I'm very similar, radical unschooling and all, and it's tough to find friendships where parenting style isn't a tension. Even when I try not to even mention it, or ignore it when they do, there inevitably comes a point where I can't take being picked at about it, or having my children 'tested' in various ways to see if they have any hidden freak in them, since after all, it must be in there somewhere with the horrible parenting they receive. And then it becomes an issue, then it becomes a big spiral of unhappy. And then the friendship either just fades away or it's a big blow uppy thing. None of it good.

I understand what you're going through. Been there. There aren't any easy answers. My only advice is that when the friendship becomes more stresses than joys, it's time to let it go. Until or unless that happens, just keep her at arm's length on parenting style and enjoy the things you love about her.

[Imakcerka]

Thanks Adia,

However the point is she doesn't really care.  She told me she can't imagine allowing half the stuff I allow.  We do respect each others wishes though.  When her kids are out somewhere with me.  Even though they're older than mine.  I follow her rules.  Most of her rules are based on fear.  Her 10 year old daughter is not allowed in a public bathroom by herself so I'll gather all the kids sans the boys and go in the bathroom with her.  Boys standing outside the door.  I don't for one minute want her to think I don't feel her points are not valid.  ( a little over the top sometimes)  When my kids are with her, she will gently remind them that swearing is not okay at her house and will give them different words for when they fall of the trampoline and such.   She knows my kids eat mostly health foods and will ask me in advance if they can have what they're having for dinner.  I always say yes because to them it's exciting to eat at their house.  And for some reason her kids think it's great to eat at mine.  One ate a whole pan of granola once and though it was AWESOME! 

Now aside from her, I do have other people to deal with that are actually difficult.  I don't get into spanking debates and I won't be goaded into other conversations that just don't jive with my views amongst friends.  Being in the military for so long you run into so many different people.  So many different views.

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

Now aside from her, I do have other people to deal with that are actually difficult.  I don't get into spanking debates and I won't be goaded into other conversations that just don't jive with my views amongst friends.  Being in the military for so long you run into so many different people.  So many different views.

That's interesting, and perhaps I have a lot to learn.  I always had this idea that military folks had one world view.  I'd be interested in hearing more.  

[Imakcerka]

No you'd be amazed.  Since they all come from so many different walks of life they all have different views.  Breastfeeders, homeschoolers, foster parents, writers, teachers, gentle parents and of course mainstream parenting.  I was taught about breastfeeding and the importance from a Male Sgt in the Army.  Gentle parenting from a gaggle of ladies during PT and homeschooling was talked about often.  The stay at home dad was becoming big as I was getting out.  Quite a few military members are there for college and are working on their Masters or Second BA. They do their job and go about their lives.  I have 4 former AF friends big into the music industry now.  Two are straight out of SA and the other two have moved around.  The two in SA and getting bigger and it's quite exciting to see them go for their dreams.  Quite a few are writers and I just recently got one in the mail from Amazon and I'm excited to read it and give him my take on his writing.   I think I've found more people that were in the military work harder to make their dreams come true.  They know there is so much out there and being in the military was a great push to help them find themselves and meet so many great people. 
 

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

That's interesting, and perhaps I have a lot to learn.  I always had this idea that military folks had one world view.  I'd be interested in hearing more.  

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

  Since they all come from so many different walks of life they all have different views.  

One of the women I was in yoga teacher training with was active duty army and just back from 18 months in Iraq. She practices yoga every day as a way of staying sane. She did half her teacher training with us, and had made arrangements to do the second half with a different yoga school half way across the country were her next post was. Amazing woman. She also said there isn't a military type, people end up for all different reasons and the military is as diverse as the rest of the country.

The yoga teacher I had who encouraged me to go to teacher training was retired air force.

Neither of them were what one would stereo-type as "military."

[Imakcerka]

check out Veteransforpeace.org

[sharon71]

OP I love the freedom you give your girls I pretty much parent the same way. As far as the cussing goes I have 2 teens who I allow to cuss with exceptions those are not around other children,their teachers other school officals,employees,police,clergy,other adults,Grand Parents,etc.I'm not naive and I know that they will cuss around their peers no matter what.With that said my youngest does not cuss and knows those words are for older people.

[Imakcerka]

I do think it teaches a good lesson for them to understand that outside the house there are certain things that really are not acceptable.  And to be fair and respectful of others.  I don't know I havent heard a swear word in weeks I think DD2 is over it. 

Originally Posted by sharon71 

OP I love the freedom you give your girls I pretty much parent the same way. As far as the cussing goes I have 2 teens who I allow to cuss with exceptions those are not around other children,their teachers other school officals,employees,police,clergy,other adults,Grand Parents,etc.I'm not naive and I know that they will cuss around their peers no matter what.With that said my youngest does not cuss and knows those words are for older people.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Well you know  the screen time and food make me cringe, haha! But I understand what you are doing and I know a lot of people who parent like you and have really engaged, responsible kids.  My kids free range pretty hard (easy, as we're in the middle of the woods) and have an extremely unstructured day...the homeschooling we're doing so far with my DD is extremely light, conversational and directed by her. I believe in and practice similar principles as you, but it's different because my kids are still so little.

I really like what you said about not assuming that, given the choice, kids will choose wrong. I feel like a lot of people make that assumption. So many of the important things in life, the TRULY important things which mark the difference between good, happy, loving/respectful people and unhappy, rude, selfish people...are incredibly self evident. Kids aren't stupid. When they are allowed to use their guts and feel their way through things, they can decide. It's a well supported idea, that children learn best (and really, isn't this true for most people?) through experience driven exercise. I think that, when it's not forced on them and they feel like autonomous and empowered human beings, children will confidently navigate situations and concepts as they arise and will choose good, respect, love, sharing, curiosity etc....if that's what is being modeled at home. (and sometimes even when it's not!)

The screen time, the food, swearing, etc....these are lifestyle choices, they are not adjectives. They do not describe a persons character. If left alone and given honest guidance in how they view the world...I believe a child is capable of deciding most limits for themselves, of deciding what kind of person they want to be, and can become highly successful people in their social and practical lives as a result.