No, it isn't any of my business. But if I can't tell my friend how I feel, I want to let off a little steam here.
I have a dear friend. We understand each other, even if we haven't seen each other in a few weeks. She will drop everything for you to lean on in a crisis and get a warm hug, and vice versa. We have been friends 10 years, pre-kids. Now we have kids around the same age.
The last time I was at her house, I really snapped at her husband. He didn't get up until noon and then complained that she didn't wake him. It disgusted me. I said something like "You are a man, You can set the alarm and get up yourself." Yes, it was rude. But I have been holding my tongue for 10 years and something snapped.
He was her first boyfriend, and they have been together for 18 years. A long time ago her family and friends gave her a lot of flack for being with him, and she told me how hurt this made her feel. She said that this was the man she chose to be with and no one can see inside a marriage, and know what is about, except the people that are in it. What she said was wise, and I respected this, and kept it to heart, and made a real effort to not criticize him. When she was pregnant with her 3rd child, her family gave her grief again, and she said I was her only friend that said "That's wonderful, congratulations!" and that meant a lot to her. In my mind, I also thought, wow, she doesn't need that now; but I also thought this is between her and him and if she is sharing the news, then they have already decided and there is nothing left except to be warm and happy for her and supportive.
But I am so so so sad for my friend. Her husband does NOTHING, contributes NOTHING. Or at least that I can see. And my friend is so tired and warn down. He does not work. He does not cook, or clean, or shop or help in any way. He does NOT take care of the kids - HIS KIDS - ages 6, 2 and 6 months. He plays video games on the computer and chats on line etc. He goes to bed at 5am and sleeps until after noon, while she is busy taking care of the kids. Right now the baby is up multiple times a night teething, which of course she takes care of, so she is quite sleep deprived. If she is literally at her breaking point - like when I was there the baby was too tired to sleep, the 2 year old was whining on her leg, she is trying to get lunch on the table and the 6 yo started crying, then she says very stressed that she needs him to take over and he steps up to the plate and takes the baby. But he makes a big deal of doing it - like it is a favor he is doing taking care of his own children. And 20 minutes later, as soon as she has had a bite to eat, she gets the baby back, and he is back on the computer. In two months the baby will be in daycare, and she will have to go back to work. While his is still doing NOTHING. When I am there I can help her make lunch or take the older kids with me for a while, but of course this is just a tiny dent.
He does have some pluses. He is very artistic. You can have interesting conversations with him about various topics. He says nice things about her on a regular basis, and I do not see any emotional or physical abuse at all.
I don't know what I am asking for. Just feeling so sad for my friend, but I don't want to tell her all this. She must know it on some level, and has accepted it for whatever reason. Thanks for reading.
Edited: meant to say he does NOT take care of his kids.
Edited by AllisonR - 10/5/11 at 10:35am