Can you help me sort through some feeling? « Back to Group Discussions

[SoonToBe]

I'm a bit embarrassed to be admitting these feelings as I know they make me a bad person, but I really hate feeling the way I do and hope that maybe my peeps have some insight.

Let me start by saying that I have a great relationship with my parents and DH's family is also wonderful.  His parents are the most understanding, considerate, and kind people you can imagine.  Never have a bad thing to say about anyone and they are very thoughtful.

Here's the thing, I am really possessive of the baby and have issues sharing him.  I don't have any issues with friends or siblings holding the baby.  I mean I (or DH) has to be right there, but it's no biggie.  I do however have issues with the parents holding/taking/caring for him.  My mom just moved into town from out of state so she sees the baby the most often.  DH's family has only seen him once when he was 2 wks and they came our for 4 days.  Anyway, I think what I have issue with is I have an irrational feeling like they are trying to take ownership or something.  That's not the right word, but I'm not sure how to explain it.  I feel like I'm fine if they want to hold him and talk to him and interact with him, but more than that and I have issues and I hate that I feel that way.  Like the other day my mom was holding him and when he started to fuss, she got up and took him to the other room.  I told her I would take him and he needed to eat and she just kept trying to have him.  I finally joked to bring my baby back and she told me to "knock it off".  When we were at an outing, I turned my back for a second and she had taken the stroller and was way ahead of us.  Neither of these things is a big deal.  It's not a trust thing.  I know nobody will hurt him and everyone just loves him, but I have this overwhelming feeling of "he's mine" and anything that challenges that (real or imagined) is bothering me.  We are going to DH's family for Thanksgiving and I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.  I want DH to be able to share the baby with his siblings (who haven't seen him yet) and show him Chicago and see all the Christmas decos and stuff in the city.  I'm dreading having to pass the baby around. 

I think part of it is everything is so special to me.  All his firsts...the first book he is read, the first time he touches grass, the first time he goes sees a Christmas tree, his first birthday party, etc.  I want to introduce all those things to him.  I know I'm being silly.  Here's how lame I am:  DH's family has a reunion in Vermont every year.  It's on a lake and is very nice.  We missed this year since the baby was born a week later. :)  Anyway, I'm already anticipating that his parents will want to take the baby down to the lake or will throw a little birthday party since it's within 2 wks of his b-day.  I don't want them to.  How lame am I?  I want to throw his first little b-day party.

I honestly feel like a jackass for feeling this way, but I can't help it.  I honestly have tried to figure it out and work through it because it makes me feel like such a bad person.  The thing is too that his family is so great so it's not like I have justification for feeling this way.  On the other hand, I want Elliott to have a close relationship with all his grandparents and family in general.  I feel like this feeling will subside as he is older.  I can't imagine feeling this way with my 7 year old. :)  It really comes down to them feeling like he is theirs.  Not that they think he's not mine.  I'm this close to deleting this post as I feel like an idiot...

His parents are kind of aggressive in their attempts to spend time with us which I know sets me off.  Sometimes it's even too much for DH.  They just love us and want to see us a lot (even before the baby) and will push really hard to get us there or for them to come here.  Then when they are here, it's a nonstop intense visit which requires rest after they leave. :)  I think that's part of it too.  We had not planned on traveling for the holidays, but they pushed super hard for us to come for Thanksgiving and wouldn't let it go.  We finally decided to go, but part of me didn't want to just because I didn't want them to be rewarded for hounding us about it.  Again, it's just because they love us and want to see us, and I know I should just be thankful that Elliott has so many people who love him and want to spend time with him.

What's wrong with me?

Thanks for reading my embarrassing novel.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by SoonToBe 
Like the other day my mom was holding him and when he started to fuss, she got up and took him to the other room.  I told her I would take him and he needed to eat and she just kept trying to have him.  I finally joked to bring my baby back and she told me to "knock it off".  When we were at an outing, I turned my back for a second and she had taken the stroller and was way ahead of us.  Neither of these things is a big deal. 

Um, both of these things ARE a big deal.  I don't think your feelings are all that wrong, Bree.  If my MIL or anyone did these things, or told me to "knock it off" when I asked for my baby back, heads would roll.

Similarly, my IL's keep inviting themselves whenever we talk about taking the kids to Disneyworld for the first time (in a couple years, when Nora is like 5 or 6).  I feel like an ass, but I just don't want them there.  I want our family to experience it together first.  Why do they need to butt in? But like you I feel like a jerk.  B/c it might be nice to have built in babysitters when we do go, eventually.  You know?  But ugh.

[kylaskye]

I had these same fears before I had Liam. I made the choice during labor to involve my inlaws more than I intended to to begin with. 

My MIL is very... hands on. She wants to be there for him, and I understand that. But her method of taking care of him is very different from mine. I've set up rules and whatnot for when she's with him, and my word is final. If she doesn't listen to me and respect me, and my family then she is out of the picture. There's no give and take here, and it's my way or the highway, so to speak. She knows this and DH is more rigid about it than I am. I don't want to impose, but he's known her a lot longer than I have so is more comfortable with it. 

Stand your ground, mama, you shouldn't have to compromise with how you want your baby taken care of.

[HawaiianBlesing]

Bree, I don't think that there is anything "wrong" with those feelings.  I'll admit I have some of them myself towards my MIL.  She's a very try to take over, show the baby off kind of person.  When we go to family functions she grabs the babies as soon as they walk in the door and shows them off to everyone.

She always offers unsolicited advise and tells me "well that's not how we used to do it".  I explain that  was 30 years ago and some things have changed.  It drives me crazy.  She has no respect for personal space and is always in my face looking at the baby....especially when BF.  I want to ask her if she'd like to latch on she's so close.

I hate to admit by I really don't want her to spend a lot of time with my son.  I let my SIL, FIL, & BIL all hold the baby without an issue but it drives me crazy when my MIL wants to take him from me.  The other day we were at a going away party and he was a little fussy/tired.  She asked to take him and hold him and I flat out told her no...not right now.  I want me or DH to be his soother.  I did bring him over later for her to hold him briefly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I get it and I don't necessarily think you should feel bad. 

[CrazyCatLady]

Well it does sounds like your relatives are having some boundary issues.  And that is always very hard to deal with without causing hurt feelings.  So be easy on yourself there.  There are about one million threads on MDC that discuss this same issue.  So you are not alone and there is plenty of advice on how to handle pushy relatives floating around here if you need it.

And then the rest of it sounds like first time mom stuff.  I was way more anxious and easily upset by this kind of stuff when I had my first baby.  The more kids you have, the more this kind of stuff bothers you less.  It gets easier as time goes on to let the little things go. 

You are not a bad person and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.  This is all normal stuff.  If I were you I would think about it, decide where you want to draw the line, and then start working on establishing those boundaries while the baby is still young.  It only gets harder as they grow up.  Some stuff you can probably relax a little on.  However, when you ask for your baby back...you should get her back.  Immediately.  This is my fourth baby and that would piss even me off. 

I hope everything gets better for you soon.

[Lynann]

Bree, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. You are just super in tune with your Mama protective senses. It is totally normal to feel this way, especially when others are being pushy. Elliott is your first born, so everything is new and exciting for you, and its only natural that you want to do things your own way and in your own time.

If you feel rushed about visiting family then maybe you should think about postponing the visit. Give yourself time to adjust and for the hormones to finish settling down. It does get less intense as they grow, even a few months could make a huge difference to how you feel.

Take it from a Mama who has never left her DS1 for more than a couple of hours, and then only with DH, and he is 16 months now, that feeling possessive is a normal part of our instinct to protect our babies. I'm not as bad as I was about him being mine, although some of it has transferred to DS2, and I know it will be months before I'm comfortable fully sharing him with others (except DH) but then I also see it as my job to do everything for my boys.

[SoonToBe]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

Um, both of these things ARE a big deal.  I don't think your feelings are all that wrong, Bree.  If my MIL or anyone did these things, or told me to "knock it off" when I asked for my baby back, heads would roll.

Similarly, my IL's keep inviting themselves whenever we talk about taking the kids to Disneyworld for the first time (in a couple years, when Nora is like 5 or 6).  I feel like an ass, but I just don't want them there.  I want our family to experience it together first.  Why do they need to butt in? But like you I feel like a jerk.  B/c it might be nice to have built in babysitters when we do go, eventually.  You know?  But ugh.

Thanks Carrie.  I have felt the same way about Disney. :)  My parents have said they want to go with us when we go (years from now) and like you, I want to do the first trip with just us.  They would be good babysitters though so DH and I could go play by ourselves (and I mean Magic Kingdom, not something kinky).  LOL

Thanks for the reassurance about my feelings about my mom taking him.

[SoonToBe]

Thanks everyone.  You made me feel a lot better.  I honestly thought there was something wrong with me.  I feel like I should just be happy that so many people love Elliott and want to spend time with him.  Maybe I'm a little more irrational than most, but it's good to know that others feel the same way. 

Becky, I also feel like only DH and I should be the soothers.

Lyn, I also feel like it's my job (and privilege) to do everything for my Elliott. :)

Thanks again everyone.

[LadyJennifer]

I agree, those things ARE a big deal! I'd be super pissed. I think it's totally normal to be a bit possessive of your own newborn.

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

Um, both of these things ARE a big deal.  I don't think your feelings are all that wrong, Bree.  If my MIL or anyone did these things, or told me to "knock it off" when I asked for my baby back, heads would roll.

Similarly, my IL's keep inviting themselves whenever we talk about taking the kids to Disneyworld for the first time (in a couple years, when Nora is like 5 or 6).  I feel like an ass, but I just don't want them there.  I want our family to experience it together first.  Why do they need to butt in? But like you I feel like a jerk.  B/c it might be nice to have built in babysitters when we do go, eventually.  You know?  But ugh.

[Beckily]

I've set very firm boundaries about things with my mom. She gets mad about it and says she doesn't deserve it, but eh..

:D She walked in the house yesterday and I all but ran to give her the baby, though. She's been great. It just takes horrible conversations in the beginning. And a desperate need for a ham sandwich when the baby won't let you up. Heh.

You're doing great. Just be honest. You can hint (the truth) that if your needs are respected, you're likely to relax in the future. If they're not, you're going to end up hitting someone over the head with a stick and snatching the baby away.

[Tear78]

I'm late on the bandwagon, but agreed! If DD needs soothing/food, and I ask for her back, that's the end of the line imo. Not cool for people to say no, let alone 'knock it off." Glad you're feeling better about it!

[jillybeans]

Oh honey you are SO completely normal to feel that way! We mama bears are biologically tuned to be overly possessive! And I'm the same way, even after my FOURTH child! I want to introduce him to everything. I show him things. I get to do this, and that, and that. It took some adjustments and small "chats" with our first, but eventually people got the picture. Don't feel bad about that!

[SouthernStormy]

Like everyone else said, I think its completely normal.

Its not a situation I've really run into too much yet as we are 1200 miles away from all family. However, we did go out to eat with a friend last week and she wanted to hold Magnolia. That was ok and Magnolia went to sleep right away. THen she continued to hold Magnolia while she slept, but after about 10 mins I was ready for my baby back so when the food came I offered to hold her so my friend could eat and she refused. I continued to let her hold the baby but it really made me antsy and DH could tell cause he mentioned it afterwards.

I have had some irrational moments regarding MIL, but she's crazy so I think its pretty justifiable. She told DH that he needed to call her while he was holding the baby so she could hear her cry or something since she hadn't heard the baby yet. I was about in tears the day DH called her with Magnolia in his arms. I told him he was not allowed to put the phone to Magnolias ear so MIL could talk to her since she hasn't heard my moms voice yet and I want her to hear my mom before MIL. Y'all I know this is crazy but I just can't help it. I can't stand the woman and don't want her near my child at all.

[*Jessica*]

nak, but wanted to jump on the totally normal bandwagon!  

[kylaskye]

What is with the people refusing to give you ladies your baby back? If somebody said no to giving me Liam when I asked for him... well let's just say it wouldn't be pretty. And they wouldn't be seeing Liam again. End of story. 

[SoonToBe]

Okay you guys have made me feel soooooo much better!  I guess I'm pretty normal.  Thank you so much!!!

[bethany42309]

I kind of felt that way with DD1 when she was very small.  Of course I guess it didn't help that my MIL kept calling herself mommy!!  That bugged the heck out of me even though I know she didn't mean to when she'd say it.  Also I hated leaving her with my mom when I had to go to work, I just felt like I was missing everything and my baby would feel like she was her mom not me.  But there is no one else in this world, even DH, I'd rather leave her with if I'm not there.  I just wanted her to myself.  My sister was the same way, worse even.  It'll get better and it's okay to feel that way.  And I would be pissed if I asked for my baby back and they wouldn't give her back to me...I get mad at DH even for doing that now and it's his kids.  I'm the mommy and I know best!!

[Beckily]

Originally Posted by bethany42309 

I kind of felt that way with DD1 when she was very small.  Of course I guess it didn't help that my MIL kept calling herself mommy!! 

My mom does that sometimes!
 

[bethany42309]

I hated it!  It creeped me out a lil bit too....  Makes you think about all those movies about the crazy obsessed MIL's who wanna knock off the mom so they can keep the baby and son all to themselves.  Creeepppyyyy....

[SouthernStormy]

Oh I think I would go off on someone if they were refer to themselves as mommy. Referring to my baby as their baby also bothers me a bit. I try to let that one go b/c I know they don't mean any harm when they say 'my baby' even though she isn't their baby.