quitting heroin, have a 3 year old, totally overwhelmed by life - Page 2

[IwannaBanRN]

I am so glad you made it to 30 days! Any amount of clean time is a day to celebrate. An addict conquering addiction is a feat alot of people can't accomplish, let alone try to do "life" on life's terms.

[carmel23]

Parenting is hard!  You can do it, mama.  You can make it through.  One day at a time.  Keep us posted-- come here to vent, etc. 

[IwannaBanRN]

Please update when you can, mama! I look forward to seeing progress and how life is changing for recovering addicts.

[grape-april]

Dear klenora, 

I just want to say thank you. I had this mom friend - the only one I really liked out of the community I lived in - who was a wonderful mom and died of a heroin overdose about a year ago. She relapsed with (you guessed it) a "junkie boyfriend" - actually a good guy who was in recovery and just fell and relapsed with her. I miss her all the time. I am thankful to you that you decided to face this struggle. I believe in you.

You talk about how you didn't realize how hard it is for everyone who has a young child. Yes!!! When my friend died - I was mad, and sad, and everything, but above all I thought - "Yeah. If there is ANYTHING that could make a person relapse, it is how incredibly, maddeningly, soul-challengingly hard it is to be a parent to a young child." Not just how tough it can be to actually deal with your child's ups and downs, and worry that you are not doing it right, but also just how isolating it can be to be raising a child. I am so glad some of the people you are getting to know are moms. Non-parents have a really hard time understanding our struggles sometimes.

I encourage you to let yourself not be a great parent all the time. Being a clean mom is good enough. Whatever ways you treat your son these days that you feel dissapointe about, just know that he is going to grow up and one day be thankful to you that you made the most important choice of all, to get clean, and that all the other little things that didn't go perfectly in his upbringing will be overshadowed by the goodness of having a mom who loved him enough, and loved herself enough, to get clean.

Congratulations and keep up the hard, great work.

Love.

[Mom31]

how are you doing mama???

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by grape-april 

I encourage you to let yourself not be a great parent all the time. Being a clean mom is good enough.

Oh my goodness-- truer words were never spoken.  My dad was an alcoholic and I wished every day that he wouldn't be.  NO ONE expects perfection except maybe we do of ourselves.  You are going to get to the point where you will stop being your own enemy.  You will stop living in a hell you've created.  It doesn't mean life won't be hard as a parent . . .it will, but it's VERY different when you are not out to get yourself.  You and your son deserve the best, but the best just means "clean."

[modestmothering]

Huge hugs to you!!!!!

I marvel at how much strength and stamina there is in this world. 

[klenora]

grape-april- what a great post, thank you.

sometimes it's hard to remember that it does get better... i've been feeling really great, but recently experiencing normal parent overload/burnout. the tantrums (my kids and mine, lol), the trying to make the right parenting decisions, life decisions, trying to convince myself that *i* deserve a real life, not zombie junkie life... that i'm not doing this just for my kid, that i deserve happiness too...

it's good for me to go back and reread my original post and marvel at how much my spirit has transformed in just 3 months.

super grateful for the support and empathy i've received here and elsewhere from other parents. 

[Mom31]

Oh SO GLAD TO SEE YOU POST!!!!  Good to know you are doing ok.

[IwannaBanRN]

I'm so glad to see you post, Klenora. I really hope you keep it up with staying clean. No one can be a perfect parent. I've been clean for roughly 3 years and still need help being a good parent at times. It's hard to grasp. Don't hold yourself to the reservation that if you lose your temper trying to cope with being a parent that you'll have to use. I've held onto expectations of things and when the expectations didn't work out, I would end up using. (ie, "if this person doesn't die, I won't use today" "If I don't get written up by my boss I won't use")

 Hugs to you, mama. Be gentle on yourself. You are super lucky to be being a parent right now. He could be out of your custody while you begin this journey. I almost lost my son when I first got clean and I know it would have been harder on me if he'd not been in my custody.

[pomegranate79]

hi klenora, so happy to see you back on here!

i really hear you about having to let it sink in that 'i could actually do this for *me*!' and not just for your child. it's easy to think of your child as deserving...young, innocent, never hurt anyone, etc. but of course inside you & me there's the same innocent child from way back when who deserved things to be better than they were.

and miracle of miracles, we made it through, and we really do still deserve happiness. even if we have made mistakes along the way.

how has your fourth month been going? hope you know it's okay to write in even if what you have to report is unhappy. but i'm cheering for you all the way.

[Mom31]

How are you doing>???

[Maiasaura]

Are you still there?

New on this thread, but anything about recovering people stops me in my tracks You doing alright?

Qualifier: I am a sober alkie, 17 years this past August 23rd. I have done drugs aplenty, but not heroin. And I am a single mom. My boy is turning eleven next week, but believe me, he has been three!

If there is ANYthing I can help you with, even just to vent at, please do. I do not mind at all. I would be happy to help

Originally Posted by klenora i will be 30 in a couple months and my life is not the way i planned it, or want it, and i am worn out and overwhelmed and i know i am taking the right first few steps,but dang you guys...... waking up every morning and just facing reality is SO HARD. so hard. 

why can't i just be a real, normal grown up who can provide for her family and deal with life???

thanks for listening to me. any words of wisdom, similar experience, etc very very welcome. xo K

I think all parents feel this way, not just addicted ones, but yeah...try not to knock yourself for your addictions. The reason you can't be a "real, normal grownup" is because you're an addict. I probably don't have to remind you that there is no "normal", but for us? We drink and drug because we're addicted. That's all. Not because we suck, or we're immature, or we aren't good enough.  My first sponsor told me "We're not bad people trying tIo get good. We're sick people trying to get well".

Originally Posted by klenora well, my circumstances are the same-- same kid, same family, same dirt road i gotta drive up to get home, lol. but i guess my attitude is getting better. 

let me just say, i wouldn't wish this journey on anyone. it is really painful and exhausting. i am getting better everyday, but i wish i didn't have to spend so much time healing, that i hadn't set my life up so i would have to heal, you know what i mean? but it is what it is. 

before this i had NO connection to other moms, so i didn't know that this feeling of overwhelm and tiredness is not just me... it is every (or many) first time mom or mom of a toddler. so that is helping. to hear you guys and the women i am meeting say, this is actually totally common, what you are feeling. isn't that a relief?

Boy howdy, yes. It's painful and exhausting enough just being a parent, let alone a newly clean/sober one. I'm so glad you're feeling better! Well...at least, at that posting. I hope you're doing alright now!

As for the overwhelm with a 3yo-- OMG, when mine was three I thought I was going to die. I thought I was raising a sociopath. I spent more time crying and banging my head on the headboard.

Then someone handed me this miracle book. The author is Louise Bates Ames. She writes tiny little tomes entitled "Your One Year Old", "Your Two Year Old", and so on. "Your Three Year Old" saved my life, and my sanity, I swear it! These books you could read in an hour, if you had a whole hour. They're that small. She's not about discipline so much, more about developmentally appropriate behavior. She tells what most Threes are like, what to expect from them in every aspect of behavior, from pottying to talking to eating to sleeping to whatever, on and on. The half-birthdays are different than the birthday, for behavior. I am still reading those books!

I was so relieved after reading "Your Three Year Old" that I wept with relief. I thought, "My child is not only normal, he's SO normal that they wrote his very behaviors in a book!"

I highly recommend.

Now, it turns out that my son is very severely ADHD, possibly bipolar and maybe aspergers as well. Sigh. Just what a single mom needs on top of the single mom plate. But ya gotta deal with what life gives you. He is a gift in so many ways. I don't know who decided I needed more patience; I thought I was doing rather well before I had him, but...sigh. Life on life's terms, indeed, huh?
 

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN An addict conquering addiction is a feat alot of people can't accomplish

And a feat a lot of people can't even begin to comprehend, unless they've been through it. You know that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? I think there are two different kinds of people in this world, and they aren't genders. They're addicts and non-addicts. Those who aren't addicted just will never understand, though some do try hard.

Anyway. My offer stands. PM me if you need to.

[branditopolis]

Originally Posted by lilyka 

 Hi.  How are you today.

I don't know anything about addiction.  So I can't help with that.  I do know about chaos with crazy kids. (its ok if it is chaotic. )  and I know about feeling like I am faking and wishing I could be like other grown ups.  Feeling like a failure.  Living situation that isolates me.  and things not going as planned (good heavens this is NOT what I planned.  This is, in fact, exactly what I worked so hard to avoid thinking I need only to make good choices in life.  Yet here I am.) And I know about facing the bad choices I made that landed me here.  and it sucks.  Every single day it sucks a little more.  And there is nothing I can do to change it.  I don't have any answers but what you are feeling is normal.  It is hard.  but it is doable.  .  

It's always kind of surprising and comforting to find another person who's feeling (or felt) the same way.
Here's one more!

[nuttymom]

Congratulations to you for your sobriety! Being a parent is HARD! For everyone, really. Find something, anything, that you love to do and hang on to that. Do it whenever you can. Reading self help books, knitting, drawing, painting - whatever! JUst find something that you like to keep yourself busy through the rough times. It will get easier, every day that passes. Although some will still suck. ;) It's like that for all of us though.

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Maiasaura 

And a feat a lot of people can't even begin to comprehend, unless they've been through it. You know that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? I think there are two different kinds of people in this world, and they aren't genders. They're addicts and non-addicts. Those who aren't addicted just will never understand, though some do try hard.

Anyway. My offer stands. PM me if you need to.

Finding recovering addicts stops me in my tracks as well. :) And I agree. There was a wall between me and my family and how misunderstood I felt for a long time, when dealing with them. When I was first in recovery, they were "proud" but they never understood that I still had the cravings to use and didn't understand why I'd want to satiate those cravings after I'd quit *smh* It's just not that easy.
 

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

Finding recovering addicts stops me in my tracks as well. :) And I agree. There was a wall between me and my family and how misunderstood I felt for a long time, when dealing with them. When I was first in recovery, they were "proud" but they never understood that I still had the cravings to use and didn't understand why I'd want to satiate those cravings after I'd quit *smh* It's just not that easy.
 

Me, too...which is why I find meetings (or the people in them) so comical-- they understand me in a way nobody else ever could

What is smh?

[IwannaBanRN]

Maiasaura smh means "shaking my head".

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

Maiasaura smh means "shaking my head".

Well, your post makes a whole lot more sense now! Thanks for clearing that up!

I wonder how the original poster is doing now?

[naturesbabies]

Congrats on your sobriety.  I get it....  I so get it.  And if you need anyone to talk to.... because god knows I need that a lot.... please pm me.  I know what it's like to go through opiate withdraws.  I've been clean from opiates for about 18 months now, but I still have cravings.  As far as alcohol is concerned, it's been 4 days.  And a grueling 4 days it's been!  I can't fathom doing this without my aa meetings.  I know 4 days doesn't seem like much to most, but I'm sure you can understand, as an addict, that every sober day counts. 

Being a parent is HARD, but it's much easier and less chaotic when you're sober.... even though that means actually FEELING your emotions.  Geez, imagine that!  Actually feeling emotions.  **Sigh**  It's rough....  we have to deal with things we haven't wanted to deal with, feel things that are uncomfortable, cry (and actually remember it).  BUT, when we feel good, we can actually feel that too.  The withdraws go away and then energy and life is restored to our bodies.  It's a great feeling.  My favorite thing to say is "It felt good waking up sober today, I think I'll stay sober the rest of the day."

Hugs.