Piercing screams without cause--28 months

[ihugtrees]

DD started experimenting with screaming while talking with her grandparents on Skype, and they laughed at her. Ever since then, she ALWAYS screams when we are on Skype, and they aren't laughing anymore. She will also scream sometimes if I, say, tell her she can't have her friends cup or snack (I try to offer her her own and she will throw it/dump it out if she can) or another friend takes a toy from her. It is not an "I'm angry!" tantrum type scream. It is that piercing, high pitched scream and a look that says, "Are you listening?!" I have no idea what to do about this. It is physically painful to me (sensory issues) and telling her to stop only makes her do it more. Ignoring her is embarassing in front of other parents, and often she will just KEEP doing it. I try to distract her, and this eventually works, but not before she's split everyone's ear drums wide open with a few screams  I know there are times that she does this to communicate that she needs my attention/connection (my fault for being distracted and not paying attention to her cues earlier) and when I get down on the floor and play her mood totally turns around. But there are times when she does it because she is mad and knows it is something that gets all the adults in a fluster, which she finds amusing, I think 

Is there anything I can do, or is this a phase that will pass? She seems to think it is really funny, a game, and I tell her it isn't funny, it hurts people's ears, to use her words, etc.

Is it appropriate for her age for me to tell her before we Skype, 'if you scream we turn off Skype' and then follow through? I am not a fan of punishment, per se, but am not sure how else to get it through to her that she can't scream like that...

Parenting this child is bewildering. She is not even 2.5 and I feel like she is WAY smarter than me already!! 

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by ihugtrees 

Is it appropriate for her age for me to tell her before we Skype, 'if you scream we turn off Skype' and then follow through? I am not a fan of punishment, per se, but am not sure how else to get it through to her that she can't scream like that...

Yes, I do think that's appropriate.

One thing you could try is asking her to "speak softly" or "please say 'excuse me' if you want my attention" (or whatever phrase works for you) -- and reward her immediately at first, as long as she asks nicely, to reinforce it. The reward would be giving her your attention or the item she has requested. Don't ask her to speak softly yet in situations where you won't be able to reward her (i.e. if she wants something her friend has). Once she seems to understand the concept of speaking nicely & is able to do it consistently, you can back off on rewarding her and just continue to ask her to speak softly. I guess this is a form of 'training' which I know some people are opposed to, but I feel like it pretty closely mimics real-life situations where people will ignore or get annoyed with you if you don't speak in pleasant tones. Keep it matter-of-fact & unemotional when you ask her to speak softly.

Is she fairly verbal? Does she have the words to express that she needs you? Sometimes I need to give DS exact phrases to use in various situations -- even though he's very verbal, he can get confused or stuck in social situations & needs me to remind him what he can say. Does she know you understand her & can hear her? I know it often helps DS if I just repeat whatever it is he is saying, so that he knows I hear him and he doesn't need to scream about it. Distracting her might make it worse because she may feel like she's not being heard or you're ignoring her.

[Kelly1101]

I think warning "if you scream, we'll have to turn off skype because it hurts everyone's ears" and then following through is completely age-appropriate.  I do things of this nature with my daughter (apr 09).  She "gets" it.  I don't see it as a punishment, as just as a consequence-- if you do x, y will happen.  

Good advice here, too:

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 


Yes, I do think that's appropriate.
One thing you could try is asking her to "speak softly" or "please say 'excuse me' if you want my attention" (or whatever phrase works for you) -- and reward her immediately at first, as long as she asks nicely, to reinforce it. The reward would be giving her your attention or the item she has requested. Don't ask her to speak softly yet in situations where you won't be able to reward her (i.e. if she wants something her friend has). Once she seems to understand the concept of speaking nicely & is able to do it consistently, you can back off on rewarding her and just continue to ask her to speak softly. I guess this is a form of 'training' which I know some people are opposed to, but I feel like it pretty closely mimics real-life situations where people will ignore or get annoyed with you if you don't speak in pleasant tones. Keep it matter-of-fact & unemotional when you ask her to speak softly.

Something I always try to remind myself to do-- use positives, not negatives.  "Speak softly" instead of "don't scream."  Giving them something to do, instead of just shutting down something they can't do, tends to get better results.  And positive reinforcement-- when Em and I have been working on something (i.e., not throwing hard things), and she remembers to put the hard ball on the ground and roll it, rather than throw it, I'll smile at her, hug her, and tell her "you remembered to roll the hard ball!  That's great!"  

[Amatullah0]

Originally Posted by Kelly1101 

I think warning "if you scream, we'll have to turn off skype because it hurts everyone's ears" and then following through is completely age-appropriate.  I do things of this nature with my daughter (apr 09).  She "gets" it.  I don't see it as a punishment, as just as a consequence-- if you do x, y will happen.  

Good advice here, too:

Something I always try to remind myself to do-- use positives, not negatives.  "Speak softly" instead of "don't scream."  Giving them something to do, instead of just shutting down something they can't do, tends to get better results.  And positive reinforcement-- when Em and I have been working on something (i.e., not throwing hard things), and she remembers to put the hard ball on the ground and roll it, rather than throw it, I'll smile at her, hug her, and tell her "you remembered to roll the hard ball!  That's great!"  

Great tip on rolling hard balls rather than throwing them. My DS has has problems with throwing lately. And spitting, and screaming, and hitting, and pinching. 

I've been telling him for months "don't ___." then "______ instead." and then "If you _____ one more time, we're leaving(or it gets taken away, or mommy is leaving to go lock herself in another room if the thing he is doing is hurting me)" and if he does it one more time, that's it. we follow through. 

I give him a couple of chances if it's a new behavior(or one we haven't addressed in a long time). If we've talked about the behavior before(even if it was days ago) and he did something seriously wrong, he gets no chances. Things like screaming in someone's ear, or throwing something hard into/towards/around something fragile mean that I have to quickly choose the best consequence. "You threw the ball at the computer, now you can't play with the ball anymore." and I watch to make sure he doesn't grab and throw any small hard nearby objects.