My Very Overweight 11yo - At A Loss!

[Alphaghetti]

I hate even posting this - I am so sad and frustrated and heartbroken for her. I feel like a failure and a horrible parent. But this really shouldn't be about how I feel...

My oldest dd is very overweight. She was always thin when she was little. She began bulking up around age 7, and it has just slowly escalated since. I don't understand it. She has the same diet as everyone else in the family. None of the rest of us are even slightly overweight. She is active (mind you, she is not in any organized sports per se, but runs her butt off with the neighbourhood kids and her siblings).  At first, I just thought it was a phase, and that she'd grow out of it. I know I definitely got bigger just before puberty, and then went on to lose most of it throughout my teen years.

But this is different...she wears a size 5 women's pants for the waistband. They are at least 6 inches too large in the leg length. My tops are tight on her (I am 5 ft 9 and 150 lbs). Her tummy actually has a flap now. I haven't addressed the weight issue with a physician specifically, but she has been to see a couple in the past year for other issues, and none of them even mentioned her weight, and I wasn't sure how to bring it up. I have only talked about this to my mother, my sister in law and my husband. My husband thinks we should restrict her, and push her to work out, but I don't think that is healthy for a preteen. My mother just keeps telling me that she'll grow out of it, and my sister in law ( a very large woman herself) shames me and tells me that dd isn't overweight.  About a month ago, she was changing into her bathing suit and I noticed that she has started to get large stretch marks on her upper thighs. I seriously felt like somebody had kicked me in the gut when I saw them. Scars are forever. Just two days ago, I saw that she has large red ones on her chest now too.

Please understand, I am not ashamed or embarassed. I think she is beautiful, and I am proud of her in every way.  I am devastated for HER. She knows she is big. It upets her greatly, but she doesn't know how to change it, and I don't know what to tell her. I try to tell her that it's just a little puppy fat and that it's normal, but she just gives me the, "oh, please" look.  I am crying as I write this, because part of me feels like I am betraying her when I talk about it. 

I sincerely don't know where to turn.  Has anyone else gone through this with their child? Does anyone have any advice for us? A magic wand perhaps? How can I help her drop the extra weight while still being healthy with her changing body? How can I talk to a doctor with her when she is mortified even discussing it with her own momma? And how can I book an appointment without making her feel like something is wrong with the way she looks? Probably most importantly: How can I get my daughter to feel good about herself when  we live in such a visual world?

[chel]

Assuming you are talking about your almost 12 yr old, I can say that most of my 11yr old dd's friends can wear some of their mother's clothes, so not that unusual. My fairly trim 11yr old wears a size 3. Size 9 shoe!
My dd and I both have a 28inch inseam, so the average length pant is easily 4 inches too long.

I agree the stretch marks are alarming, but sudden growth does that. Def at her next physical make sure her weight/height is checked out

[Alphaghetti]

Thanks for the reply. I don't have to have her weight/height checked out to know that she is overweight. She is. I was just looking for a little advice on how to handle it. If it was just an extra couple of lbs, it would not be an issue. I am worried for her emotional and physical well being. 

[Linda on the move]

If you look through old threads on this board, you'll find several old threads on teens/preteens and weight.

Some of the things you list as concerning are meaningless. A size 5 is a junior size, not a women's size. And there's nothing wrong with a 12 year old wearing one. If you listed your DD's height and weight, it would have more meaning.

Stretch marks are caused by a combination of genetics and sudden weight gain. Breast development can be a sudden enough change that *if a girl has the right DNA,*  she'll get stretch marks. They generally fade over time.

Because you feel her weight/body shape doesn't reflect her diet and activity, I would recommend talking to her doctor and having some blood work done.

I think it's great that she love running around with her friends, but helping her find an organized activity that she enjoys may be gift that would last her a life time. She may always tend toward carrying around extra weight, and she's at an age when kids tend to stop running with the friends and transition to just talking to their friends. One of my children is passionate about swimming and I believe she'll swim laps her whole life. I think helping your DD find an activity she has that kind of passion for would help her now in the teen years and going forward.

I am fundamentally opposed to punishing people for their bodies. I think it's wrong. Even though the rest of the family is slim, if you are at the point that your husband wants to restrict her, then there shouldn't be any sugar, crackers, full fat cheese, etc in your home. You should be family that never goes out to ice cream. For your family to act one way but tell her that her body is wrong because she can't do the exact same things and look the same way *could* have a very deep impact on her for many, many years. For these messages to come from dad could set her up for relationship problems with men -- because right now her daddy is bordering on teaching her that she isn't lovable if she has curves.

Right now she feels bad about her weight -- how exactly is making her feel worse supposed to help? It just gives the message that not only is her body not OK, it's her fault. If she just tried harder, she would look like the rest of you.

[minkin03]

I think if you are concerned (especially since you feel she is active and eats similar foods as the rest of the family) that maybe you should talk to her ped about it. What's important is that she is healthy and it's possible there is a medical reason as to why she is overweight.  

[Alphaghetti]

"I am fundamentally opposed to punishing people for their bodies. I think it's wrong. Even though the rest of the family is slim, if you are at the point that your husband wants to restrict her, then there shouldn't be any sugar, crackers, full fat cheese, etc in your home. You should be family that never goes out to ice cream. For your family to act one way but tell her that her body is wrong because she can't do the exact same things and look the same way *could* have a very deep impact on her for many, many years. For these messages to come from dad could set her up for relationship problems with men -- because right now her daddy is bordering on teaching her that she isn't lovable if she has curves.

Right now she feels bad about her weight -- how exactly is making her feel worse supposed to help? It just gives the message that not only is her body not OK, it's her fault. If she just tried harder, she would look like the rest of you."

Oh dear. I am not asking for validation that she is overweight. She is. There is no debating it. In retrospect, I guess I shouldn't have tried to give a mental picture with her clothing size, as the size of the person in relation to the size of the clothing can vary drastically anyway.

I am confused by why you feel that I am making her feel worse about herself. I have never told her that she was overweight, nor has her father. Dh and I have discussed this only in private, not in front of dd. She will never have the occasion to read this thread. We have never told her that she couldn't have something that the rest of the family is eating. Actually, I have never mentioned food or food restrictions to her, except in the normal motherly way that I do with all of my kids.  I am not sure where you came to this conclusion.  I was sincerely only asking for help or suggestions from other mothers that may have found themselves in a similar situation, and maybe for some emotional support  to go along with it.

I will search to find the older threads that you mentioned. Thank you for letting me know.

[One_Girl]

Can you consult her pediatricians nurse or the pediatrician by phone?  If they haven't brought it up it is probably not something they think of as a big deal and they may be able to explain the reasoning behind why it isn't a concern to you over the phone.  My dd's pediatrician explains it very well and really put my mind at ease when I was worried about my dd for no reason.  They may also realize that it is starting to be a concern when you talk to them and they may have more resources for you.  Some insurance companies cover a referal to a registered dietition and they often have even more resources to help families as a whole so that might be something to ask the doctor about.

Since she is so active and that isn't making a difference I really do think you need to call the pediatrician and bring it up with them or ask to talk to them without your dd present.  They see so many patients a day and don't always look back on their files so they may be viewing what is going on as an isolated thing.  If she is truly packing on the weight heavily with a lot of activity and a very healthy diet then they probably need to look for a physical cause. 

[whatsnextmom]

I'd go to her doctor and ask about it. She doesn't have to be in the room. If her diet is healthy and she's reasonably active, this shouldn't be happening. Girls often "plump up" before puberty but you said this has been going on for 3 years now right? Stretch marks usually mean too fast of growth and she shouldn't be gaining that fast. I don't know that a size 5 is unusual for an 11-year-old these days but having to cut 6 inches off the bottom is so you can get the right waist size is. 

You said she doesn't have organized active activities, maybe it's time for some. How about a hip-hop class (the clothing, style and attitude are often more accepting and forgiving to being over-weight than other forms of dance.) You could up the family activity like have a regular walk after dinner or something. Stuff she might enjoy but doesn't smack of "you have to lose weight" KWIM?

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by April*autmaiajude* 
Oh dear. I am not asking for validation that she is overweight. She is. There is no debating it. In retrospect, I guess I shouldn't have tried to give a mental picture with her clothing size, as the size of the person in relation to the size of the clothing can vary drastically anyway.

I am confused by why you feel that I am making her feel worse about herself. I have never told her that she was overweight, nor has her father. Dh and I have discussed this only in private, not in front of dd.

A size 5 doesn't equal "overweight."   I'm not saying your DD isn't overweight, just that the information you provided in your post doesn't *prove* anything.
 

The reason I think your family is risking making her feel bad is this:

Originally Posted by April*autmaiajude* 

My husband thinks we should restrict her, and push her to work out, but I don't think that is healthy for a preteen.  About a month ago, she was changing into her bathing suit and I noticed that she has started to get large stretch marks on her upper thighs. I seriously felt like somebody had kicked me in the gut when I saw them. Scars are forever. Just two days ago, I saw that she has large red ones on her chest now too.

What ever you guys say to her, she will pick up on how you feel. You don't feel that your DH's ideas are good, but I would add that if you feel like you are getting kicked in the stomach when you look at her body, she will pick up on that.
 

Our feelings about our children are not as much of a secret from them as we would like to think.

At the same time, an honest conversation about foods and how they tend to effect us and the importance of finding ways we love to be active seems very positive.

[Alphaghetti]

You are right - wearing a size 5 does not mean that you are overweight, if you are a teenager or an adult. She is not. She is girl, and prepubescent, which means that she has not begun to approach her adult height.

I am honestly wondering how you would suggest that that I cover up my sadness from her? I do not grimace to look at her when she is undressed. When I noticed the stretch marks, I turned away and kept talking. I am telling the mothers here on this forum how I felt inside, because as I said before, I need or desire some emotional support and suggestions. I have since received some good suggestions, and I do appreciate that.

Look, I really don't want to get picky about this, but I can't imagine how you read that I was punishing her, or was at risk for the perception of punishing her for how she looks. When you said that my husband is letting her know that she is not loveable in her own body, or that I want her to look like the rest of us, you were somehow putting blame on a mother who is just sad for her child and looking for support. I guess I am kind of shocked that my post came across as my wanting my child to be something that she is not, or that I don't accept her. I think that I was clear in my original post that I did not think that dh's suggestion was the right one. He just tends to look at practicality over emotion sometimes. Again, he has never mentioned weight to dd. As I said in my original post, I am proud of my daughter and love and accept her no matter her shape or anything else - my concern is her self image, her health and the permanent physical changes (large, thick stretch marks) that are going on with her body at such a young age. I do not expect or even necessarily want a slim daughter. This is of no importance to me.  

[neptunemama]

I would get her involved in a sport, or some sort of more rigorous regular exercise program.  It might not be easy, but I would work towards that.  I don't buy into the whole "everyone should love their body as is" nonsense.  It's a health issue when someone is overweight.  One has an increased risk of many different things, from high blood pressure, heart disease etc...  I don't espouse that everyone has to be slim but everyone needs to exercise.  It sounds like what she's doing for exercise isn't enough for her body.  And some of us may need to exercise more than others to keep our  weight and health under control.  

I have a 12 yr old dd.  Starting around 9, she got very anti-exercise, and over the next two years despite eating relatively healthfully she gained a lot of weight.  It's not like she didn't do anything, but no extracurricular sports, and we don't live on a street that's conducive for running around outside.  So she had PE at school, but it wasn't enough. At her 11 yr checkup her ped talked to me about it.  My dd was overweight, and if she exercised her doctor wouldn't be concerned, but my dd told her she didn't.  I knew she was heavy but getting her to do anything physical was hell. She acted like exercise was torture. Fortunately middle school was coming up, and she knew she would have to run the mile at school.  She realized she wouldn't be able to do it, and I suggested that we start training for it so it wouldn't be so tough when she actually had to do it at school.  For my dd, PE is hell.  But she didn't want to be the worst, or worse, fail to complete the mile and look bad (in her mind) at her new school.  So I ran with her.  When we started she could not run 1/8 of a mile.  It took a month but she got to where she could slowly run a mile.  Took her about 14 min.  And she was able to do it at school.  

Then I told her she had to keep running.  That she needed regular exercise, and she wasn't as healthy as she could be.  The recommended amount of exercise is an hour a day.  I knew that was unrealistic, but figured we could use that as a guideline.  She balked, but I made her go to the track.  And I continued to run with her. I tried to make it fun, and we ran/walked, not pure running.  Much easier, and we expanded our route so we didn't always go to the track.  t stuck to the health aspect as to why I was making her run.  That everyone needs to exercise for health.  That exercise keeps your heart and lungs healthy.  Since she didn't want to take up a team sport, or any other physical activity, running was what she had to do.  And I pushed the fact that it didn't take much time.  Unlike a bike ride or a class of some sort, we could go to the track, run and be home in under an hour.  She complained.  A lot.  But she did it.  And a lot of it was b/c I did it with her.  And finally it got easier, and last spring we trained for a 5K.  Now she goes to a gym a couple of times a week, and on the weekends we hike, bike or run.  She still doesn't like it, and she still complains. but she likes how strong her body feels, and that she can do stuff she couldn't do before, like climb trees easily, run on the soccer field w/o being out of breath (during PE) and she had no trouble running the mile this year w/o really staying on top of the running as much.  

Her weight has stabilized, her body is strong, and she feels good.  I don't think she's damaged or messed up about weight and looks b/c I forced the exercise issue.  In fact she wants to run another 5K soon.  She sees the benefit even if she hates what it takes to get there. I think pushing her helped her to realize what she can do with her body.  Good luck, I do get it.  

[Adaline'sMama]

I just want to clarify something about stretch marks. They arent always forever. When I was 10, my breasts grew from a cup size a to a cup size large c in a period of about 4 months. They hurt all the time and they were covered with dark purple stretch marks, especially on the sides. They lasted about 4 years, and by the time I hit high school, I had a great rack, no signs of stretch marks anywhere. (Now that Im almost 30, that is no longer the case...but they arent the same stretch marks).

I have had stretch marks on my sides fade and come back over and over again from losing/gaining weight. I had dark purple stretch marks for the first three months after having DD, and then they disappeared completely with only two or three faint white lines.

[FarmerBeth]

I think if she seems overweight having a check-up with blood work in order to rule out potentially health threatening medical problems is a good plan.  I am not arguing with you about whether she is or isn't overweight, but I do want to point out with you why some people might not get what you are saying about the size 5 and the stretch marks.  Many of us have not overweight daughters who may be at that size at that age.  My slim nearly 10 year old wears a size 3, which, incidentally, equals a children's size 14 in equivalent waist size.  Size 5 is analogous to a size 16, which would also not be shocking. My daughter, like myself, is developing wide pelvic bones as she is entering puberty, and that's why she wears a larger clothing size. I myself, as a teenager, and incidentally, a national class athlete in cross country running, had stretch marks over my thighs and hips due to the pelvic bones widening rapidly, and I have lots of (faded) stretch marks on my chest due to rapid breast development once that started (post slowing down with the athletics in my case).  Even when slimmer than average, oncoming puberty can bring on stretch marks, and it's not the end of the world, they fade!  11 is certainly old enough that puberty may be coming sooner than you think.  Anywhere from around age 10 to age 16 is still within normal range for a first period, and changes with weight and shape regularly happen starting about two years before menstruation.  Your assessment of her being overweight could be quite right, but do keep in mind that your assessment of being prepubescent may not be with stretch marks in the areas that correlate to curves, not on the stomach which would be the usual prepubescent weight gain area.  Also, even if you are sure she is overweight, what would it hurt for you to check out her BMI on line, just to get some perspective.  It could let you know why her weight hasn't been mentioned by her pediatrician, yet, or, conversely, give you information to alert your pediatrician to for her health and safety.  And the rest of us would be able to see your perspective a lot more clearly with an idea of height and weight, as, for the above reasons, stretch marks and clothing size don't say much. 

[chel]

Originally Posted by April*autmaiajude* 

You are right - wearing a size 5 does not mean that you are overweight, if you are a teenager or an adult. She is not. She is girl, and prepubescent, which means that she has not begun to approach her adult height.

I me.  

Have you checked what other girls her age wear? My dd is almost a year younger and a size 3. She's trim. She bikes daily to school and is moderately active. She's average for her age from what I've seen in a school of 1500.
Pant length is tricky. She needs a petite or short length. Unless you don't mind having to hem her stuff you might try to shop in stores with different length. Target, walmart, penneys, Delilah(sp) in the mall.
Normally at this age, a healthy diet should keep kid at a decent weight. Most can eat a lot of junk with moderate exercise and stay a normal weight. Many recommend a doctor because there are medical issues that cause weight gain despite all the good you do.

[karne]

I don't think that you should feel badly for being concerned about your daughter.  Based on your description, I'd probably feel some measure of concern as well.  The advice that you've been given to seek information/consultation with your dd's pediatrician is appropriate.  There is a thread on the boards at MDC about issues with BMI and young kids, but still, I think seeking professional support is a wise step. You could also consult with a nutritionist on your own as well.

It's probably not possible to hide your concern entirely from your dd because kids are sensitive.  As she comes into adolescence she'll be even more sensitive.  However, if she truly needs some help, not talking about it could have the opposite effect of making her feel fine about herself.  She may be worried, or confused, and need her parent's help, and silence may only serve to make her feel isolated or confused.  I don't know-I don't know your dd, and your relationship.  What I do know is that the changes that come with adolescence, and pre-adolescence can come quickly, and sometimes feel a little alarming.  I can assure you that in my experience, my dd was slightly alarmed as well!  Open discussion was very helpful.  

[Alphaghetti]

Thanks everyone for the reassurance and helpful advice. I actually have entered her height and weight into a child BMI calculator, and her weight is in the 95th percentile, which on some sites makes her obese, while others say she isn't. Regarding the clothing sizes, DD deffo doesn't fit into any children's sizes - not even a 16. I do understand better now though that this was not an accurate portrait that I was painting.

I love to hear the positive things about the stretch marks. I am SO relieved, Adaline'sMama to hear about how yours have gone or faded to that degree. I think about how difficult it is to get her into a swimsuit now, and wonder how hard it will be now that she's noticed them on her thighs. I appreciate the story about your daughter too, neptunemama, as this is kind of where we are at regarding "exercise". I was thinking I might like to try Zumba with her too!

Here where we live, we have a telephone health referral service which encompasses all kinds of health related issues, and tomorrow while she's gone I will be making a call.

[savannah smiles]

I have a 10 year old dd who, around 7 years old, started gaining weight.  At first I thought it was just the natual plumpness that precedes puberty (because she had precocious puberty) but she kept getting bigger despite me keeping her on the move and limiting what was brought into the house.  This summer when she tipped the scales at 136lbs at 5 feet even, I took her to the doctor. Turns out, she has severe hypothyroidism.  Now that she's on proper medication she's not gaining anymore and I hope she slowly starts losing until she gets to where the doctor wants her to be, which is 120lbs.  In the meantime, I signed her up for a fairly intense diving class at the local gymnastics place which meets on Friday and lasts 90 minutes. I also try to take walks with her around the neighborhood as well as nudging the kids outside to play in the yard.

Do see a doctor just to get things checked out and good luck!

[MoonlessNightx]

I have a couple of questions.  First, how tall is she?  Has she gotten her period yet?  I got mine and stopped growing at age 10 so there is a chance she might be at her adult height.  

However that isn't the point.  As someone who suffered from eating disorders starting at that age, I want to beg you to tread lightly.  Ask her doctor (not in front of her) about it.  See if they have any suggestions.

I wasn't overweight until AFTER I recovered from my eating disorder, but I can tell you a few things.  I would eat way less than normal people and still gain weight.  Then I became a vegetarian and the weight started falling off nicely, even though I was eating more.  Some people don't tolerate certain things well and it can cause them to gain weight (or lose it).  

Perhaps try cutting down on the meat you eat and see if that helps.  Also, try going for walks as a family.  Just because the rest of you are slim doesn't mean you're physically fit.  Even if you are, a little extra exercise as a family can be a great bonding experience for all of you.  Hiking is our family favorite, but any kind of cardiovascular activity helps.  Whatever you all enjoy as a family.

If she hasn't gotten her period yet, there is a good chance she might shoot up a few inches and even out.  If she has, and she's at her adult height (yes 5'1" can technically be an adult height- unfortunately for those of us who stopped there) a size 5 in juniors is a good size honestly.

If you wouldn't mind posting her height and weight the rest of us could get a good idea of what you're talking about.  I believe you that she is overweight but I guess my suggestions would changed based on how much.

[beanma]

I was also going to suggest hypothyroidism (low thyroid) as a possible cause of weight gain. I think diabetes can also cause weight gain and various other health conditions as well. I also agree that you should call your health line/doctor/nurse and ask for their advice.

Beyond that, I would just focus on getting healthy and fit and not on weight. Going to the doctor for a check up is part of getting healthy and fit, and then eating a balanced diet high in fruits and veggies and low in carbs (you don't have to eliminate carbs entirely, but concentrating on fruits and veggies first and cookies and chips and bread last) and getting plenty of exercise. Everyone in your family should do this. Everyone in the world should! It's not about her weight, but about her fitness and health, and it should be about the whole family. How is everybody else's fitness level? What is her diet like?

[Imakcerka]

Oh my... well you're obviously trying to find a way without trying to insult or hurt her.  You need to be able to talk to her about a healthy body.  Size doesn't always equate health though.  My little DD has a belly and the older one is a rack of muscle.  Without us voicing an opinion (both DH and I are hypersensitive about body talk)  Little DD has pointed out her belly.  However it doesn't bother her and it shouldn't.  Since she brought up the topic, I had the opportunity to assure her she was just right.  And she is.  You really need to open up the communication with her.  Are you worried she may become big like your SIL?  My mom's family is obese and when I say obese I mean I have Aunts who are 5 feet and 250 to 300 lbs.  It's a lovely family trait.  And so my mom hounded me about my weight.  She was a twig herself but she gave me all her eating issues. 

Ask her if she would like to have blood work done.  Tell her you think she may be "growing" too fast and you just want to make sure everything is right on schedule.  When you make her appointment you can talk to the nurses and Dr. before hand to push not making it a weight issue.  However since you say she's been to a Dr. and they haven't said anything, maybe they are seeing it differently than you are.  Either way good luck to you mama.