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transition from 1 to 2....
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post #1 of 80
10/5/11 at 11:44am
Thread Starter 

I don't know if this is something that 3+ time mamas deal with, but I'm getting all weepy lately thinking about the transition from one to two.  I will miss my one-on-one time with DS1 so much.  I just love him so much and he is so precious to me! (I'm sure we all feel this way, and I know I'll feel the same for DS2).  I feel like he is just so amazing- we've been so blessed by him- and I'm feeling all these concerns about "what if baby 2 is colicky or not as X as DS1 and what if I favor DS1...."  I know that probably makes me seem like a bad mom..... I am afraid of how the transition will be for him, and I think I've been ignoring my own emotions about it.  It's hitting hard now.... I keep crying!  Anyone else feel this way?  Any mamas have advice after having gone through this before?

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post #2 of 80
10/5/11 at 12:51pm

I spent the last few weeks of my second pregnancy crying over losing that one on one time with DD. I felt really bad - I almost regretted the pregnancy, and I couldn't believe what we were about to do to her! The transition was rocky, but she does love her brother. I'd say the first 3-4 weeks were the hardest. My high-needs DD would run to the other end of the house and sob to be held "with two arms!!!!" every time I nursed the baby. I had a really bad tear, and I physically couldn't get up off the sofa while carrying the baby to go and sit with her, and even if I had, she'd have probably run away. I cried every time. :( The good thing is that the baby sleeps so much those first few months. I wore him in a wrap, he slept, and she and I were able to play almost like before he was born.

 

I'm not sure how the transition will go this time. DS is still so little....we talk about the baby, and he loves babies, even if he is a little rough on them sometimes. But anytime I mention sharing milk with the baby, he glazes over and leaves the room. He is not ready to talk about that, lol. I think DD will do well with the new baby, but I am worried about DS. I have a feeling my first 6 weeks will be spent tandem nursing on the sofa while attempting to read a book to my 4.5 yr old.

post #3 of 80
10/5/11 at 1:14pm
Thread Starter 

Those first few sentences are exactly how I feel.  How could we do this to him, I regret it, I don't want him to be sad or feel rejected or replaced, what if he hates his brother (I mean when they are older, which is something I should totally not worry about right now but everyone comments about how great it will be for him to have a brother.... yes, except if they don't like each other.  Ugh.  And we're not having more, so I feel like they'll feel pressured to like each other even if they don't because they don't have other siblings, and blahblah.gif  can you tell I'm over-thinking this?  DH and I have rocky relationships with our own sibs....)

 

I think I'm just hormonal.  I know it will all work out and surely our new family of four will be wonderful.  Right?


Gaaahhhhhh it's just so hard right now.

 

I feel bad for him.  I feel bad for me.  I feel bad already because I can rarely carry him when he wants me to.  Luckily he's really independent and plays so well by himself, likes to do things on his own, etc.  But I wonder if he'll regress and want more attention once I'm holding the baby 24/7. 

 

That's a good point about the sleep though- I plan to sling this baby all the time so hopefully that will make it easier on DS1.

 

 

 

 

post #4 of 80
10/5/11 at 2:24pm

Not being able to carry the older one....that was hard. :( With my stitches, I wasn't supposed to lift anything heavier than the baby for a long time. It took a while for DD to get that I couldn't pick her up. Luckily, she was big enough that I'd been carrying her less anyway. DS is 19 months - I still carry him everywhere. (Or else he doesn't go where we're going!) I still even wear him some. He saw me put my niece in the ring sling and FREAKED OUT. So that's worrisome.

post #5 of 80
10/5/11 at 2:44pm

I have responded twice to this exact type of post and I wanted to find my response b/c I spent some time  putting everything exactly how I wanted it, but I can't find it.  Sigh...

 

Anyway, what you're feeling is completely normal and totally valid.  When you have a second there is often a grieving process that you need to go through to mourn the loss of the relationship you have with your first.  You became a MOM with your first child and you have spent intense time with your first for the last couple years.  You were 100% present for your first through every new moment, every milestone and everything with your first is, well, a first, so everything feels monumental and life changing.  Never again with things be the same!  It's important to feel the feelings you're having now.

 

But when that second one comes around you'll find your relationship with your first changes into something new.  Not better or worse, but new.  Your ds will learn how to share you, how to share toys at home, he will become more independent, he will become a big brother.  These are all good and important lessons that a sibling teaches.  And the relationship that forms between your children will be indescribable.  They will love each other so much.  A sibling is such a gift.

 

I admit that when my second was born, I was not immediately head over heels.  I still felt a very strong loyalty to my first.  But everything progresses so organically and before you know it you're a family of four and it's hard to remember what it used to be like.  And while of course some of your work load will double (feeding, clothing, cleaning) other things will become easier!  They entertain each other!    And so many things are easier on your as a parent the second time around, too.  Issues seem less of a crisis, you've got cloth diapering, babywearing, and breastfeeding down, you're prepared for the sleep deprivation.  You'll likely find this flexibility and relaxed approach to parenting rubs off on the baby, making baby mellower and easier to handle. 

 

It will all be fine.  It will all work out.  But do not deny your feelings now or you'll be dealing with them postpartum instead.  Definitely soak up these last weeks as a family of three and then look forward to the adventures of a family of four.  hug2.gif

post #6 of 80
10/5/11 at 2:51pm

Now I'm wondering about that transition from 2 to 3.  It hits me in waves where I feel uber guilty for making ds a middle child, for robbing him a bit of his babyhood.  I won't be 100% present for his first moments and milestones.  I feel like I'm pushing him to grow up faster than he would have without #3.  Weaning was so early, potty training, soon transition to his own room....  But I'm not feeling the same grief about losing our one-on-one relationship since I never had that with him.  I just feel guilty about pushing him and if they weren't so close together I don't think I'd be feeling that.  And it's our fault for being stupid and getting pregnant when I did- poor ds doesn't have a clue what's coming.  But at the same time, he won't remember what it was like before #3.  Dd barely remembers what it was like and she was 3 years old when ds was born.  Anyway, I'm rambling...

post #7 of 80
10/5/11 at 3:17pm

I've been wondering about the transition from 2-3 as well.  My first two are 5 years apart, so I've had dedicated time for both of them.  My 25mo still needs a lot of help, ect.  I've just tried to be relaxed about the whole thing.  I know that somehow it will work itself out and that we'll be a family of 5 before I know it! 

post #8 of 80
10/5/11 at 10:32pm

Jamie, I wish I had been able to read what you posted when I went from 1 to 2, because it's all so true.  I was a mess, wondering if I would be able to possibly love my second as much as my first, terrified I wouldn't be able to take care of both of them, but even though it has been hard, I wouldn't change a thing.  My girls love each other, they are each other's best friend, and our family is better for having them both.  Sometimes I worry that I am not more worried about going from 2 to 3, but I think a big part of me now realizes that it's going to be okay.  It might be hard, but it will be good in the end.  And I remember that even though my siblings weren't always my favorite people growing up, I am SO GLAD I had them.

post #9 of 80
10/5/11 at 11:47pm

I'm concerned about all of this too. I worry most about not being able to meet the needs of the new baby in the way that I'd like to, or that he/she may need, because I am going to be still so involved with my intense, spirited DD. Tonight she told me to "Never never never ever put the Mama Milk away. Never do that." I plan on tandem nursing, but I am just so worried that it will be too much for me. 

post #10 of 80
10/6/11 at 7:23am

There will be nearly 5 1/2 years between ds and the new baby and I know he is excited to have a sister. Maybe having more time between makes it easier, because I haven't really worried about it. Or it could be that ds was such a hard baby, toddler, and preschooler so I know she can't be any harder than he was lol. I am looking forward to seeing him interact with her, he loves babies and little kids.

post #11 of 80
10/6/11 at 7:55am

After number 2 was born, I remember being very grateful that newborn sleep so much.  I remember the intense worry about loving her as much as him.  I remember worrying about how I could physically navigate the world alone with the two of them (absurd, I was a nanny of multiples or multiple children for 4 years before I had #2).  All my worries went up in smoke after she came.  

 

She was slung a lot. On my back for naps starting on day 3.

 

Once my milk came in again he was asking to nurse more often than she was, I had to set limits for my own sanity.

 

She was a toy or a prop in many of our games.  

 

boots the monkey Wearing her Boots mask so he could run around and swipe her stuff  swiper the fox

 

 

 

 

She became colicky, but we were used to her by then. 

 

I'm not terribly worried about 2 to 3, I've heard that it's harder than 1 to 2 because they outnumber the adults.  But really there's such a large age gap  (the big kids are 6 and 8) I think they will be fine.  It has come to my attention that they don't realize how tiny and helpless the new baby will be.  They seem to be expecting an 18 month old (and instant playmate).  I've been trying to prepare them for a newborn.  Pointing young babies out in public gets a nervous look and they will get to have 2 in the house within 6 months.  DD already has a sling.  They can make dinner and tie their own shoes.  DD still likes to be carried from time to time and I occasionally have both of them on my lap, but I still don't feel the fear I probably should.

post #12 of 80
10/6/11 at 8:46am

My first two are 5.5 years apart as well.  The transition was very easy.  Most kids are past the jealousy point and quite self reliant by that age.  Also, my DS has just started kindergarten, so I still got a couple of hours a day to focus on the baby and housework. 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajbaby View Post

There will be nearly 5 1/2 years between ds and the new baby and I know he is excited to have a sister. Maybe having more time between makes it easier, because I haven't really worried about it. Or it could be that ds was such a hard baby, toddler, and preschooler so I know she can't be any harder than he was lol. I am looking forward to seeing him interact with her, he loves babies and little kids.



 

post #13 of 80
10/8/11 at 5:31am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaimee View Post

what you're feeling is completely normal and totally valid.  When you have a second there is often a grieving process that you need to go through to mourn the loss of the relationship you have with your first.  You became a MOM with your first child and you have spent intense time with your first for the last couple years.  You were 100% present for your first through every new moment, every milestone and everything with your first is, well, a first, so everything feels monumental and life changing.  Never again with things be the same!  It's important to feel the feelings you're having now.

 

But when that second one comes around you'll find your relationship with your first changes into something new.  Not better or worse, but new.  Your ds will learn how to share you, how to share toys at home, he will become more independent, he will become a big brother.  These are all good and important lessons that a sibling teaches.  And the relationship that forms between your children will be indescribable.  They will love each other so much.  A sibling is such a gift.

 

I admit that when my second was born, I was not immediately head over heels.  I still felt a very strong loyalty to my first.  But everything progresses so organically and before you know it you're a family of four and it's hard to remember what it used to be like.  And while of course some of your work load will double (feeding, clothing, cleaning) other things will become easier!  They entertain each other!    And so many things are easier on your as a parent the second time around, too.  Issues seem less of a crisis, you've got cloth diapering, babywearing, and breastfeeding down, you're prepared for the sleep deprivation.  You'll likely find this flexibility and relaxed approach to parenting rubs off on the baby, making baby mellower and easier to handle. 

 

It will all be fine.  It will all work out.  But do not deny your feelings now or you'll be dealing with them postpartum instead.  Definitely soak up these last weeks as a family of three and then look forward to the adventures of a family of four.  hug2.gif



{sniff} this response has me in tears - thank you for your wise words, I've been dealing with these feelings almost since the day we found out we were pg with #2, and we'd been trying for a long time!!
post #14 of 80
10/8/11 at 8:26am

It's very normal to be worried about those things. Spend the last few weeks you have with DS1 alone to make him feel really special. It'll be hard on him at first. I remember DS not wanting to give up time with me. It was especially hard when I was breastfeeding. But let him know you still value time together by letting him snuggle when you breastfeed. To him, when you're feeding the baby, you're snuggling with the baby and not him. Going from 1 to 2 is harder than going from 2-3 because you're not used to splitting up the time with the two. They play with different things, baby isn't active like DS1, can't talk. But it'll get easier by the time baby hits 6 months, because they move around and interact with other children. Not to mention DS2 will want to start doing everything DS1 is doing. :) This is my favorite part. Casey always wants to follow Michael around and she's learned alot faster than he did because she wants to do everything like him. And when that happens, it won't seem like a big deal to share the time. You'll see your 2nd child and fall in love all over again. Not to mention the natural chemical bond the two of you will have. Don't feel like a bad mom. Every mom that goes from 1 to 2 thinks these things, and when you finally have TWO in your arms, it'll feel like a blessing!mikencasey.jpg

post #15 of 80
10/8/11 at 3:10pm

I'm SO GLAD I'm not the only one feeling this way!  I wanted another baby so bad and now I am thinking I should have waited and I am thankful the baby is not here yet.  Isnt that terrible?  I feel like a horrible person for thinking these things.  I also worry that I wont love my baby as much as I love DD, that I will favor DD, etc.  I also worry that I wont be present for DS(new baby) every moment like I was with DD.  She was and still is the center of my world, and everything revolves around her.  She is very demanding and selfish with me (if DH puts his hand or head on my tummy she says NO! and shoves him away! lol!), and it worries me both that I wont have as much time to spend with her, and she will feel like I dont love her as much, and that I wont be paying as much attention to him and he will grow up feeling not very loved as well!  AH!  I just go back and forth in my mind and think all of these thoughts and I am just feeling sad and overwhelmed

post #16 of 80
10/8/11 at 3:29pm
Thread Starter 

I am totally commiserating but I had to laugh because this reminds me of the recent episode of Modern Family where they are going to adopt another baby and Lily gets really jealous when Cameron holds another baby.  

I know it totally won't be funny when it happens to us.... but on the show it was :-)  

 

I'm trying so hard to soak up this time with DS1 but we also have a lot to do, and I have been taking on some work projects.  I am feeling really emotional and temperamental lately, and DS1 is pushing my buttons (really poor listening skills lately.... UGH!)  I love him so, but he drives me nuts when he doesn't listen.   Deep breaths....
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1love4ever View Post

I'm SO GLAD I'm not the only one feeling this way!  I wanted another baby so bad and now I am thinking I should have waited and I am thankful the baby is not here yet.  Isnt that terrible?  I feel like a horrible person for thinking these things.  I also worry that I wont love my baby as much as I love DD, that I will favor DD, etc.  I also worry that I wont be present for DS(new baby) every moment like I was with DD.  She was and still is the center of my world, and everything revolves around her.  She is very demanding and selfish with me (if DH puts his hand or head on my tummy she says NO! and shoves him away! lol!), and it worries me both that I wont have as much time to spend with her, and she will feel like I dont love her as much, and that I wont be paying as much attention to him and he will grow up feeling not very loved as well!  AH!  I just go back and forth in my mind and think all of these thoughts and I am just feeling sad and overwhelmed



 

post #17 of 80
10/8/11 at 5:07pm

A 2yo, listen?  ROTFLMAO.gif
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by jbk21 View Post

 

I'm trying so hard to soak up this time with DS1 but we also have a lot to do, and I have been taking on some work projects.  I am feeling really emotional and temperamental lately, and DS1 is pushing my buttons (really poor listening skills lately.... UGH!)  I love him so, but he drives me nuts when he doesn't listen.   Deep breaths.... 

 



 

post #18 of 80
10/8/11 at 5:10pm
Thread Starter 


I know :-(  I guess I've been spoiled because he's always been so great- no tantrums, eager to please and a great listener.  But I suppose it's that 6 month hump that everyone talks about.  He's 2.5 so maybe it will settle down soon.  *wishful thinking*

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Abraisme View Post

A 2yo, listen?  ROTFLMAO.gif

 



 

post #19 of 80
10/8/11 at 5:35pm

Ha ha.. Who knows?  My DS got a lot easier after 4yo or so...  It still comes and goes though until they're say, 25?
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by jbk21 View Post

I know :-(  I guess I've been spoiled because he's always been so great- no tantrums, eager to please and a great listener.  But I suppose it's that 6 month hump that everyone talks about.  He's 2.5 so maybe it will settle down soon.  *wishful thinking*

 

 

 



 

post #20 of 80
10/9/11 at 9:07am

It's been my experience with spirited children that there are very big humps at all the halves, but the worst tends to be 3.5 years old.  Every child is different of course, but I have definitely found my dd to follow this pattern, though, perhaps a few months ahead.  Hopefully you will get a lull at 3!   We are at another major hump here at 4.5 and I'm looking forward to the calming effect that 5 supposedly brings for most kids.  I've also heard that 2's tend to be a bit harder for boys and 3's for girls, but since my ds isn't 2 yet I can't comment other than to say that 3 was way harder than 2 for my dd.  There is a whole other level of sass that emerges.

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