transition from 1 to 2.... - Page 3 « Back to Group Discussions

[IwannaBanRN]

DD isn't taking having a baby in the house very well. Every other word out of her mouth ever since Levi was born has been "NO". And she hits and is so rude. When I was still pregnant, she was such a sweet little redheaded angel. What do I do without it seeming to her that the baby is the cause of us coming down on her for acting like this? I need her to know she's still very much loved, even though, she must learn right from wrong. I feel so guilty doing anything that makes her cry, because I don't want her to feel like we don't love her. She was so sweet before, that we never really had a need for discipline for her, so it's really very new to her and the negativity might effect her. Since Levi naps during the day pretty well right now, I try to give her as much one on one time and loves as I can. Today, it seemed to help, but she still had several meltdowns. I think the new boundaries frustrate her. "don't be too loud, you'll wake up baby" "please don't touch him while he's sleeping". She's really good about helping me out getting diapers and wipes, but she's not the same sweet little girl I knew 2 weeks ago.

[jbk21]

I can appreciate what you're saying.  DS is adjusting fairly well to the baby but I can tell there are some times when he is frustrated or looking for attention (I may also be very sensitive to those signals right now, as overall he is really being quite sweet.)  One thing that I actively try to do is to say "when baby is sleeping we touch him like *this*" and show him that we gently rub baby while he sleeps.  Then he does those things, and we affirm and praise the behavior and tell him how sweet of a big brother he is.  So maybe try to give positive feedback (do this) instead of negative (don't do that).  

[IwannaBanRN]

That makes sense. :)

[Code Name Mama]

Originally Posted by jbk21 

I can appreciate what you're saying.  DS is adjusting fairly well to the baby but I can tell there are some times when he is frustrated or looking for attention (I may also be very sensitive to those signals right now, as overall he is really being quite sweet.)  One thing that I actively try to do is to say "when baby is sleeping we touch him like *this*" and show him that we gently rub baby while he sleeps.  Then he does those things, and we affirm and praise the behavior and tell him how sweet of a big brother he is.  So maybe try to give positive feedback (do this) instead of negative (don't do that).  

Great suggestions! I'm also trying hard not to make Kieran "be quiet" while Ailia is sleeping. So far she's slept right through his noise (in arms), and I do NOT want to cultivate another light sleeper.

Remember that she is not "misbehaving" in any way to annoy you - her behavior is just a signal for you that she has an unmet need. Focus on the need, not the consequences, and you will be in a better place to further strengthen your relationship with your daughter during this great time of change.

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Code Name Mama 


Great suggestions! I'm also trying hard not to make Kieran "be quiet" while Ailia is sleeping. So far she's slept right through his noise (in arms), and I do NOT want to cultivate another light sleeper.
Remember that she is not "misbehaving" in any way to annoy you - her behavior is just a signal for you that she has an unmet need. Focus on the need, not the consequences, and you will be in a better place to further strengthen your relationship with your daughter during this great time of change.

I know that noise is good around baby, but the yelling is NOT okay. She yells half the time. He sleeps through her playing and all of us talking and hasn't actually woken him up. This is the wall we hit with DS1 when I had DD and things escalated ALOT and that among other things drove me to depression how bad it got. I am so afraid it'll be the same way and the way she's acting, she may not be far off.

[Code Name Mama]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 




I know that noise is good around baby, but the yelling is NOT okay. She yells half the time. He sleeps through her playing and all of us talking and hasn't actually woken him up. This is the wall we hit with DS1 when I had DD and things escalated ALOT and that among other things drove me to depression how bad it got. I am so afraid it'll be the same way and the way she's acting, she may not be far off.

Instead of telling her not to yell, can you redirect her positively (like J was saying above)? Maybe by making whispering into a really funny game, or by having her turn her yells into singing (you can do that yourself when you feel angry too!). Or when she starts yelling, check in with yourself and recognize the emotions you are feeling, then take a moment to think about what she might be needing - have you been reacting to the yelling? If so, then she's probably seeking attention - she just wants you mama - even if she's seeking the attention negatively, choose to focus on the fact that she loves you and craves you. Maybe offer to get a book and sit down with her? That's one of the only things I feel really good about doing with Kieran right now, and he thrives on the snuggle time.
Alternative ideas - can you ship her off for some play dates? Have some mama friends or family members come over and play?

[IwannaBanRN]

I'm going to give it a try. I really don't want to go down the same path as we went down with DS1. He has some trouble with his emotions and I think the way we dealt with his disobedience is a factor in that.

[Abraisme]

I've been using positive discipline in general for many years and find it to be much more effective than the traditional way.  Not only do young children understand it better, but it's also more pleasant for the adult to give direction from the positive perspective.  IE:  "Set the toy down gently" instead of "No throwing the toy".  It does take a while to get used to the change, but with a little practice it becomes second nature. 

[Code Name Mama]

Becky - I cannot recommend the book Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen highly enough, it is amazing. Even DH read it and appreciates the plain, common sense tips and explanations. Get it - you will really think about discipline in a new way!!

[Jaimee]

Yes, this is tough.  My positive discipline has largely gone out the window with my high irritability during this pregnancy.  But I do plan to become that positive parent again and soon!  The suggestions you've received above are all great: tell her what she can do instead of what you don't want her to do, redirect with ideas to entertain her (it's okay to pull out more movies than usual during this adjustment!  And think of things she can do on her own before baby is nursing or napping like coloring, simple chores, sticker books, etc.), out of the house playdates for just her (awesome for both of you!), and I second the recommendation for Playful Parenting (Connection Parenting by Pam Leo is great and short as well).

But I know the real challenge will start when your ds gets home.  I'm not sure how it's all going to go down either.  It's one thing to find self-entertainment for a preschooler, but quite another to entertain a toddler, too, and not have him interfere with your oldest.  My dd has taken to locking herself in her bedroom to prevent ds from ruining her art or whatever she's doing.  It makes me a bit nervous (though it is easily unlocked with the key), but at the same time she deserves her own time to do her own things without him screwing it up.  Not to mention that possibly the most annoying thing would be for them to be fighting, getting hurt, crying, etc. while I'm trying to nurse the baby or get it down for a nap.  Ugh...

[meesh933]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

.  Not to mention that possibly the most annoying thing would be for them to be fighting, getting hurt, crying, etc. while I'm trying to nurse the baby or get it down for a nap.  Ugh...

Ugh. Yeah. Earlier my big kids were fighting over a quarter, the baby was nursing, and we were all cold and grumpy because our heat was out and the guy was here fixing it. They were full on rolling on the floor fighting. Over a quarter. Not gonna lie, I broke them up with my foot. Sigh. I can't wait for another week or so when I've recovered a little more and

 can be more "there."

[A-time-to-live]

Ok - so today is my first day home with 2 without DH and I'm at a loss.  I just get DD(12 days) to sleep and I have to put her down to do something for DD(2.5) and she wakes up.  I feel guilty leaving her in her carseat (which so far seems to be the most likely place for her to stay asleep) - esp if she wakes up.  But DD(2.5) is getting really upset by my lack of availability.  Any suggestions are welcome!  I've tried wearing her but she only likes it if I'm moving around which doesn't help DD(2.5).  My older daughter is not acting out too much yet - mostly around transitions (potty, lunch, nap time)- but I'm trying to avoid getting to that point.

[Code Name Mama]

Originally Posted by A-time-to-live 

Ok - so today is my first day home with 2 without DH and I'm at a loss.  I just get DD(12 days) to sleep and I have to put her down to do something for DD(2.5) and she wakes up.  I feel guilty leaving her in her carseat (which so far seems to be the most likely place for her to stay asleep) - esp if she wakes up.  But DD(2.5) is getting really upset by my lack of availability.  Any suggestions are welcome!  I've tried wearing her but she only likes it if I'm moving around which doesn't help DD(2.5).  My older daughter is not acting out too much yet - mostly around transitions (potty, lunch, nap time)- but I'm trying to avoid getting to that point.

What if you are bouncing rather than walking? When Kieran was a baby he liked movement, but he didn't care if it was walking, bouncing, or whatever. You could play with/attend to DD while bouncing

[jbk21]

So how is it going, mamas?  

As for us, DH and I are loving having two kids.  It's going swimmingly.  DS1 is sort of starting to act out- he is saying things like "don't hold Dylan!" when he is super fussy and wants more attention.  But overall he is really sweet with him and I expected some jealousy, so we'll manage.  

The transition was hard for me, though, because I felt like DS1 was suddenly this GIANT kid who was kind of a threat to the safety of my sweet newborn. (I'm sure those are normal postpartum hormonal feelings right?  Like I *needed* to bond with this new baby and my body knew that?)  I felt an intense allegiance to Dylan and felt like I didn't know this older kid anymore, since he was previously my sweet little baby and now he seemed so gigantic and foreign to me.  He's so heavy- I seriously don't know how I carried him around when I was 9 months pregnant, he's 30 lbs which seems HUGE compared to Dylan.  He is just not my "baby" anymore.  I can't really put it into words.... does what I'm saying make sense to anyone?  But now, 12 days into things, I am feeling more of those lovey feelings like I had for DS1 before.  He is still my sweet boy, even though his new role is my older son and not my "baby".  We are having fun together and I try to be intentional with making time to do puzzles and read to him, snuggle him, etc.  Thankfully DH felt more of an allegiance to DS1 right after the birth, so they had lots of bonding time while I was bonding with Dylan.  I know it's normal to have more intense feelings ( I don't want to use the word "favorite" but can't think of anything else?  Obviously I love them both, just differently) for one child or the other at any given time, and I know it will switch back and forth between which kid that is (and DH may feel the opposite, which is good!)   So I was expecting it but I guess it was hard to feel so differently about DS1 right away.  

I have no idea if I made any sense at all.  I probably just came across as a big jerk   Anyone know what I mean?

[IwannaBanRN]

DD is a NIGHTMARE!!!!! She's a fit throwing mess a good 70% of the time now, when she was an angelic presence and so sweet to us before. Yelling and screaming are now a part of her routine... *sigh* I know what you mean, though, J. You don't sound like a jerk. It's instinct to protect your young, even if it's from older siblings.

[Mal85]

J: Your experience sounds a lot like ours so far. I remember the day after we brought Greta home from the hospital, Owyn was jumping around, doing somersaults, generally just letting off some steam. I looked at DH and said "Seriously, when did our baby turn into a kid?!" I know I carried her while I was pregnant, but she feels huge when I pick her up now. I totally get what you're saying about him not being your baby boy anymore. I mean, Owyn will always be MY baby, but she doesn't seem like much of a baby anymore. Thankfully, she adores her sister. Our biggest arguments with her right now are about her paying too much attention to the baby or over the fact that she really thinks Greta is her baby and that she should take care of her. She has had a little jealousy, but mostly just surrounding DH. She doesn't mind if I'm holding Greta or tending to her, but the moment DH picks her up Owyn decides she needs Daddy right. now. and he cannot hold Greta. She occasionally comes up to me and tells me she needs to sit on my lap. I'm so glad she is able to just tell me when she needs me rather than throwing a fit to get my attention.

Not that we haven't had our share of meltdowns. She deals with everything so well the majority of the time, but sometimes it's like every emotion comes to the surface at the same time. I'll get onto her about something fairly minor and she'll bury her face in her hands and cry her little heart out. It's rare that she does that and I know it's just her dealing with her emotions, but it breaks my heart when she does it. It's actually great that Greta was born on the cusp of Christmas season. Owyn is totally distracted by all the holiday excitement, so that really helps. And there really is a lot of holiday-related stuff that Greta isn't really old enough for yet, so it's special time to spend with Owyn. 

[jbk21]

I guess I should count my blessings that he is communicating his needs rather than throwing a tantrum.  I guess I hadn't thought about it that way!  At least now we can talk about it instead of dealing with a meltdown.  That's a really good thing.  

 

Originally Posted by Mal85 

J: Your experience sounds a lot like ours so far. I remember the day after we brought Greta home from the hospital, Owyn was jumping around, doing somersaults, generally just letting off some steam. I looked at DH and said "Seriously, when did our baby turn into a kid?!" I know I carried her while I was pregnant, but she feels huge when I pick her up now. I totally get what you're saying about him not being your baby boy anymore. I mean, Owyn will always be MY baby, but she doesn't seem like much of a baby anymore. Thankfully, she adores her sister. Our biggest arguments with her right now are about her paying too much attention to the baby or over the fact that she really thinks Greta is her baby and that she should take care of her. She has had a little jealousy, but mostly just surrounding DH. She doesn't mind if I'm holding Greta or tending to her, but the moment DH picks her up Owyn decides she needs Daddy right. now. and he cannot hold Greta. She occasionally comes up to me and tells me she needs to sit on my lap. I'm so glad she is able to just tell me when she needs me rather than throwing a fit to get my attention.

Not that we haven't had our share of meltdowns. She deals with everything so well the majority of the time, but sometimes it's like every emotion comes to the surface at the same time. I'll get onto her about something fairly minor and she'll bury her face in her hands and cry her little heart out. It's rare that she does that and I know it's just her dealing with her emotions, but it breaks my heart when she does it. It's actually great that Greta was born on the cusp of Christmas season. Owyn is totally distracted by all the holiday excitement, so that really helps. And there really is a lot of holiday-related stuff that Greta isn't really old enough for yet, so it's special time to spend with Owyn. 

[Paigekitten]

Going from 2 to 3 was easier for me then 1 to 2, I think because I was expecting that shock of "you are such a big kid!" mentality and prepped myself mentally for it, plus my oldest is older and my second is pretty laid back anyway.

Becky, I just wanted to say that if your daughter is anything like my oldest, discipline should wait.  Your daughter is in pain, real emotional pain.  Her world just got flipped upside down and she's expressing that anyway she can.  The last thing she needs is to feel like her mommy is mad at her for hurting.  She needs love, lots and lots and LOTS of love, especially in her most unloveable moments.

[Abraisme]

Yup, I totally know what you're feeling.  There is a different kind of love for children of each age.  Babies reserve all the warm fuzzy kind.  ;)  And yes, my petite little dd1 is suddenly huge and heavy!!

In a lot of ways I feel more like I'm going from 1-2 rather than from 2-3.  My DS was 5.5yo when I had my DD.  He was already past the baby/toddler age, so I really never had this same feeling of him not being my baby anymore.  I think that this transition will probably be harder for me because last time it was almost like I only had one (my DS has just started K, so I was home most of the day with just one baby).  So far things are going really well, but my MIL is here giving my DD1 a lot of attention.  We'll see how things go after Christmas when everyone is gone and we're here alone..  At least I know that I'll feel human again by then, that should help. 
 

Originally Posted by jbk21 

So how is it going, mamas?  

As for us, DH and I are loving having two kids.  It's going swimmingly.  DS1 is sort of starting to act out- he is saying things like "don't hold Dylan!" when he is super fussy and wants more attention.  But overall he is really sweet with him and I expected some jealousy, so we'll manage.  

The transition was hard for me, though, because I felt like DS1 was suddenly this GIANT kid who was kind of a threat to the safety of my sweet newborn. (I'm sure those are normal postpartum hormonal feelings right?  Like I *needed* to bond with this new baby and my body knew that?)  I felt an intense allegiance to Dylan and felt like I didn't know this older kid anymore, since he was previously my sweet little baby and now he seemed so gigantic and foreign to me.  He's so heavy- I seriously don't know how I carried him around when I was 9 months pregnant, he's 30 lbs which seems HUGE compared to Dylan.  He is just not my "baby" anymore.  I can't really put it into words.... does what I'm saying make sense to anyone?  But now, 12 days into things, I am feeling more of those lovey feelings like I had for DS1 before.  He is still my sweet boy, even though his new role is my older son and not my "baby".  We are having fun together and I try to be intentional with making time to do puzzles and read to him, snuggle him, etc.  Thankfully DH felt more of an allegiance to DS1 right after the birth, so they had lots of bonding time while I was bonding with Dylan.  I know it's normal to have more intense feelings ( I don't want to use the word "favorite" but can't think of anything else?  Obviously I love them both, just differently) for one child or the other at any given time, and I know it will switch back and forth between which kid that is (and DH may feel the opposite, which is good!)   So I was expecting it but I guess it was hard to feel so differently about DS1 right away.  

I have no idea if I made any sense at all.  I probably just came across as a big jerk   Anyone know what I mean?

Edited by Abraisme - 12/7/11 at 8:06pm

[KayPea]

Originally Posted by A-time-to-live 

Ok - so today is my first day home with 2 without DH and I'm at a loss.  I just get DD(12 days) to sleep and I have to put her down to do something for DD(2.5) and she wakes up.  I feel guilty leaving her in her carseat (which so far seems to be the most likely place for her to stay asleep) - esp if she wakes up.  But DD(2.5) is getting really upset by my lack of availability.  Any suggestions are welcome!  I've tried wearing her but she only likes it if I'm moving around which doesn't help DD(2.5).  My older daughter is not acting out too much yet - mostly around transitions (potty, lunch, nap time)- but I'm trying to avoid getting to that point.

It was my first day home alone with both kids today too, and it was a doozy. Sounds much like yours, except baby wanted to nurse ALL DAY, and when he wasn't nursing he was crying his little heart out. Poor DD had such a hard time of it, with lots of meltdowns. Lots of crying today. Any tips would be most welcome!