transition from 1 to 2.... - Page 4 « Back to Group Discussions

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Paigekitten 

Going from 2 to 3 was easier for me then 1 to 2, I think because I was expecting that shock of "you are such a big kid!" mentality and prepped myself mentally for it, plus my oldest is older and my second is pretty laid back anyway.

Becky, I just wanted to say that if your daughter is anything like my oldest, discipline should wait.  Your daughter is in pain, real emotional pain.  Her world just got flipped upside down and she's expressing that anyway she can.  The last thing she needs is to feel like her mommy is mad at her for hurting.  She needs love, lots and lots and LOTS of love, especially in her most unloveable moments.

I know and I hate it SOOO much when I get frustrated with her that I CRY. She NEVER got into trouble before. It hurts so much to see her be this way.
 

[Paigekitten]

Originally Posted by KayPea 

It was my first day home alone with both kids today too, and it was a doozy. Sounds much like yours, except baby wanted to nurse ALL DAY, and when he wasn't nursing he was crying his little heart out. Poor DD had such a hard time of it, with lots of meltdowns. Lots of crying today. Any tips would be most welcome!

NAK

Books, coloring books, playdough, and get snacks and meals as ready as possible at night/in the morning when DH can play with or hold a kid.

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

I know and I hate it SOOO much when I get frustrated with her that I CRY. She NEVER got into trouble before. It hurts so much to see her be this way.
 

Be gentle with yourself too.
 

[A-time-to-live]

It's gotten a little easier - knock on wood.  DD (1 month) will often sleep 1-2 hours at a time as long as she is in the Moby.  I just don't try to put her down anymore.  And DD (2.5 years) has gotten used to the way wearing the Moby restricts my ability to play with her.  She doesn't ask me to do things that require I crawl around on the floor anymore and will often request "I'll move them (the characters in her play) and you make them talk."  When DD (1 month) is awake and needing attention, DD (2.5 years) will play independently with playdoh or markers or listen/dance/play instruments to her music for fairly decent lengths of time.  Books on CD have also been helpful and I've increased her TV allowance from 30 minutes to an hour on days when I get really desperate.  We've had a couple of playdates which helps tremendously and I'm planning on getting out a bit this week. We are going to try a kids holiday performance (wish me luck that DD(1 month) sleeps or nurses through it!) and if that goes well we'll try story time.  

DD (2.5 years) is "helping" more now too.  She was sick when the baby first came home so that was really hard.  But now she helps me clean, manages diapers during diaper changes, sings to her sister, smiles at her and tries to get her to coo....  I don't know if any of this helps...  I think in some ways things are just better because we're all learning to adjust...  I'm still bracing myself for when things get even harder though....

Originally Posted by KayPea 

It was my first day home alone with both kids today too, and it was a doozy. Sounds much like yours, except baby wanted to nurse ALL DAY, and when he wasn't nursing he was crying his little heart out. Poor DD had such a hard time of it, with lots of meltdowns. Lots of crying today. Any tips would be most welcome!

[A-time-to-live]

I totally know what you mean.  When I was laboring I missed my oldest DD so much that I cried and just wanted to undo getting pregnant so I could be with her.  Then when the baby was born she was sick and I really didn't want her anywhere near her.  I had such a hard time not shooing her away every time she came near and it was so sad because she had been so excited about the baby for so long and really wanted to be with her - constantly!  It's better now that she's not sneezing and coughing everywhere but I still find myself getting annoyed at her for being too loud, or not giving her sister enough space, or even for needing me when her sister is crying.  I try to take advantage of the times when I'm alone with my oldest DD to get lots of cuddling in and that seems to help us both.  And then I cry because I miss her being my only child....
 

Originally Posted by jbk21 

So how is it going, mamas?  

As for us, DH and I are loving having two kids.  It's going swimmingly.  DS1 is sort of starting to act out- he is saying things like "don't hold Dylan!" when he is super fussy and wants more attention.  But overall he is really sweet with him and I expected some jealousy, so we'll manage.  

The transition was hard for me, though, because I felt like DS1 was suddenly this GIANT kid who was kind of a threat to the safety of my sweet newborn. (I'm sure those are normal postpartum hormonal feelings right?  Like I *needed* to bond with this new baby and my body knew that?)  I felt an intense allegiance to Dylan and felt like I didn't know this older kid anymore, since he was previously my sweet little baby and now he seemed so gigantic and foreign to me.  He's so heavy- I seriously don't know how I carried him around when I was 9 months pregnant, he's 30 lbs which seems HUGE compared to Dylan.  He is just not my "baby" anymore.  I can't really put it into words.... does what I'm saying make sense to anyone?  But now, 12 days into things, I am feeling more of those lovey feelings like I had for DS1 before.  He is still my sweet boy, even though his new role is my older son and not my "baby".  We are having fun together and I try to be intentional with making time to do puzzles and read to him, snuggle him, etc.  Thankfully DH felt more of an allegiance to DS1 right after the birth, so they had lots of bonding time while I was bonding with Dylan.  I know it's normal to have more intense feelings ( I don't want to use the word "favorite" but can't think of anything else?  Obviously I love them both, just differently) for one child or the other at any given time, and I know it will switch back and forth between which kid that is (and DH may feel the opposite, which is good!)   So I was expecting it but I guess it was hard to feel so differently about DS1 right away.  

I have no idea if I made any sense at all.  I probably just came across as a big jerk   Anyone know what I mean?

[munchymum]

It's a relief to know other people have had these weird feelings towards their older ones.  I just wanted her to leave me and baby alone for the first few days, and I couldn't believe how my lovig feelings for her had evaporated.  But we are 14 days pp now, and I think they are back.  I can't really remember how I felt before the birth.

[xakana]

I hear that all the time, but I never felt that way. I was really excited to have a second baby. I do sometimes feel bad that the second didn't get the undivided attention that my first did, but she has her sister to dote on her, so that helps.

As for ages and stages: 2 was a cakewalk. 3 was hell on earth. And I'm including my hard, high-maintenance daughter in the 2 category: I've experienced the 'terrible twos' and really, it's nothing compared to 3, which I'm approaching and seeing the preview for with my high-maintenance girl. It's hard to think that things could actually get worse with her, but I'm not deluded. And 4 was no reprieve for my oldest or 90% of the parents I know :-/ Seems it's supposed to get better around 5-6. I sure hope so! lol I have a 5 year old and an about-to-be three year old and if the 5 year old doesn't get better, I might just explode O_O;

[xakana]

Oh, forgot to say that the transition to two was really, really hard for me in other ways.

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by xakana 
As for ages and stages: 2 was a cakewalk. 3 was hell on earth. And I'm including my hard, high-maintenance daughter in the 2 category: I've experienced the 'terrible twos' and really, it's nothing compared to 3, which I'm approaching and seeing the preview for with my high-maintenance girl. It's hard to think that things could actually get worse with her, but I'm not deluded. And 4 was no reprieve for my oldest or 90% of the parents I know :-/ Seems it's supposed to get better around 5-6. I sure hope so! lol I have a 5 year old and an about-to-be three year old and if the 5 year old doesn't get better, I might just explode O_O;

We just had dd's preschool conference and her teacher was telling us how turning 5 is often like a light switch, where they internalize being older and therefore act older.  I'm crossing my fingers!  But she also said that 5 is like a mini teenager, asserting independence and that if they did not do that at 5, they would have a hard time standing up for themselves in kindergarten.  We'll see... it's about a month away for dd, I can't believe it!  And ds turns two in just two weeks!  Now he's showing the terrible two's already, which I hear are worse for boys whereas 3 is worse for girls.

[Code Name Mama]

3 has been sheer torture. I was hoping 4 would get better (we just had a bday), you're shattering my dreams

[IwannaBanRN]

Good news as far as DD's behavior. After DS1 came back home, she's been so great! My same little angel and stays busy with Michael.  You all remember how sad her bad behavior made me. I'm very happy she's my good girl again and Michael hasn't been too bad, either.

[Abraisme]

My DS got a lot better between 4.5-5yo.   That seems to be the age that kids stop fighting against the rules and start accepting them.
 

Originally Posted by Code Name Mama 

3 has been sheer torture. I was hoping 4 would get better (we just had a bday), you're shattering my dreams

[meesh933]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

My DS got a lot better between 4.5-5yo.   That seems to be the age that kids stop fighting against the rules and start accepting them.
 

Oh good lord I hope so. Add us to the "3 and 4 have totally sucked" group. We're about ready to kill our 4.5 yo DD. Maybe things are on the way up soon...

[Paigekitten]

Originally Posted by Code Name Mama 

3 has been sheer torture. I was hoping 4 would get better (we just had a bday), you're shattering my dreams

Compared to 3, four has been a breeze, so there's still hope!

[seraf]

Haha, my oldest never went through a hard stage until 8.  But I think that's because his sister was a terror when he was 2 and she was born.  She was rougher at 5/6.  Teenager all the way.  She was such a sweet little toddler and pre-schooler.

I feel like I can't complain much on here.  DD had a rough time for a couple of weeks after the baby came but now they're both super helpful.  Always offering to hold him and dancing around making silly noises to entertain him.  Yesterday DD said, "We can watch Shay while you take a shower."  LOL.  I told her he needed the shower more than I did, but thanks.  They don't do diapers but they like to hold him while I work on making dinner or do laundry.  I am pretty pleased with how they've responded to being the older sibs.  And they're older enough that they really can help.  They can both pick him up, carry him around and set him back down safely (I still watch her, he has gained almost 6 pounds already so it's getting harder for her to control him if he decides to move quick or dive for the floor) but they're still kids and sometimes do strange things like jump on the bed that he's sleeping on so they're still supervised around him.

[xakana]

Originally Posted by Code Name Mama 

3 has been sheer torture. I was hoping 4 would get better (we just had a bday), you're shattering my dreams

Our friend Raegan did it to me, first ;) But different kids do mature differently, so you never know. Naomi has totally regressed in maturity, but Lilly's stayed pretty even.

[munchymum]

Things seem to have got worse for us this week.  DD2 is now 3 1/2 weeks and DD1 is an absolute nightmare - crying about everything, tantruming about silly little things just to push our buttons (for example, because I wore a skirt today instead of trousers...), hitting, saying she hates her daddy... the list goes on.  I don't know if this is her really internalising that baby's here to stay, and suddenly feeling more vulnerable.  I feel guilty whenever I sit down to feed the baby!  I also wonder if it's because she's at home more and her usual nursery/ playgroup routine has been suspended for the holiday.  It's reassuring to read that everyone struggles with 3 year olds (she's almost 3 1/2) but it really is so hard.  The baby is easy peasy in comparison.  I count the hours till 7pm when we get her ready for bed.  And at the same time I feel guilty that I'm finding it hard to like her at the moment - I feel there is almost nothing positive about our interactions, and that is so different to how it used to be.  We used to be like a team, doing everything together.  Now I just fight her all the time.

Anyone any idea when she will get easier?

[seraf]

My DD is 6 but things got easier in our house around 4 weeks. 

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by munchymum 

It's reassuring to read that everyone struggles with 3 year olds (she's almost 3 1/2) but it really is so hard.  The baby is easy peasy in comparison.  I count the hours till 7pm when we get her ready for bed.  And at the same time I feel guilty that I'm finding it hard to like her at the moment - I feel there is almost nothing positive about our interactions, and that is so different to how it used to be.  We used to be like a team, doing everything together.  Now I just fight her all the time.

Anyone any idea when she will get easier?

My dd was 3  years old when ds1 was born and we definitely had our relationship deteriorate from there.  Granted, we had always had struggles, especially at the end of the pregnancy when I was irritable.  But it got a lot worse during the first few months pp and I think a lot of it had to do with me being unable to continue our normal routines of going to playgroups and playing outside b/c I was healing/tired and it was very cold outside.  As spring arrived and I made it out to some playgroups and to the park more often things got better.  The next fall we enrolled her in preschool and that was wonderful and very much something we both needed.  She only went 2 days a week at first and later 3 and only for half days, but it really really helped.  This year she's going for 4 half days and even that isn't enough.  She really could be in kindergarten right now, but the age limits won't allow it.  Anyway, I'm very much looking forward to next year when she can be in kinder full time.  It will definitely help our relationship.  Now I'm wondering what to do with ds1... he'd be in a 2's program (since he'll be 2.5 in the fall) if we enroll him in something and I'm just not sure if I want to have him in preschool or not since we didn't do that with dd, but I remember by the time dd was three I was regretting that hadn't put her in something. 

So, my point is... it's really hard at your dd's age to go from that one-on-one intense relationship to having to share her time with you.  She's probably finding herself needing to self-entertain a lot more than she's used to and it's difficult for her at this age.  I highly recommend looking into MDO programs or something that she can go to by herself so you both get some time and then when you're together you can appreciate it more.

[munchymum]

She has been going to pre-school for 2 mornings a week, and in January she'll be going 2 whole days.  So that will help.  We'll spend one day a week with grandparents too. I never planned to use pre-schools - I had my ideals of the child staying in the bosom of the family - but I am so looking forward to 9th Jan when it starts again!

[Mal85]

Oh man, I can't wait until DD1 starts preschool! There is a school here I thought about enrolling her in this year. They would take 2 year olds if they were potty trained, which she is. But it would have meant doing 3 years of preschool instead of 2 and I really think she wasn't ready. I teach preschool and I actually have one in my class this year that turned 3 just two weeks before starting school and she was definitely not ready for it. So, I'm glad we've waited for her sake, but man I really could have used that break from her while on maternity leave! I feel so bad saying that, like it means I love her less, but we really do better when we have a break from each other for a little while. It's especially hard since I had the baby when it was starting to get cold outside. So, we went from lots of outside time to being totally cooped up with a new baby. I actually think it'll be good for my oldest when I go back to work next week.

She will start a Montessori school next fall and go 4 days a week, half days. So, the two days I'm off during the week she'll still go to school, which will be a nice break for me.