12 year old brother that I help take care of.

[Tristis]

My mom works at home and I've been staying here to help her with my younger brother. I'm 7 months pregnant with my first child and figured I could learn something by helping with him. He's a very intelligent kid and is the high abilities class. My mom has sheltered him his whole life and let him get away with a lot. He stays inside all day playing the computer and video games, and only leaves the house to go to school. His friends never come over to play or anything. I've felt very bad for him, but I don't mention it. Well, he's very sensitive/emotional. She quit helping him with his home work, so he doesn't do it. When I moved back in, I've had to fight with him and make him do it. He's tried hiding it from me, lying to me about it and everything.

I was a lot like him back when I was his age. My mom quit helping me with homework in 3rd grade, so I quit doing it.  No one helped me or even tried, so it became a habit to not do my work at school either. High school came around, and I dropped out. I don't want my brother to be like me, so I'm trying my very best to help him. He just doesn't want my help.

Today... he came home from school and I checked his backpack for homework(like I always do). I found a packet saying that his class was going to write a letter to the principle to see if they could have a pizza party on Friday. He told me it's not being graded and what not so he doesn't think he should have to do it. After a huge argument, my mom stepped in a told him he had to do it as well. We told him he can't get on the computer or play any video games until its done. (It's a 3 paragraph letter, so he'd be done with it in a half hour if he would just stop fighting with me and do it). I've offered to help, he just screams at me and says no. He tried locking himself in the bathroom. I've had to physically pick him up and take him out of there several times. Finally, he gave up on that and is just sitting there on there floor in the kitchen, crying. He has been for about the past hour. I'm physically drained and not sure what to do at this point. I just want to give up, but I know I shouldn't.

Any advice?

[Linda on the move]

He sounds depressed. Is there a way for him to see a counselor? If you can't do it privately, what about a social worker at school?

He really doesn't sound like he is doing OK, but just forcing homework most likely won't solve the problem. It's a symptom (and good for you for trying to get him to do it!). The real problem is something deeper.

My other piece of advice might sound odd, but if you took some of the time you spend with him and read him a chapter of book every day it might help. I still read to my DDs who are 13 and 15 and we are currently reading one of the books in the Percy Jackson series. The goal would just be to have fun with a book and connect on a human level.

[Tristis]

That's definitely a possibility. I'll look into having him see his school counselor or something. After him and I both calmed down, I was able to sit down with him and joke around. I started singing to him the opening sentence to the letter, just to help out a little. He made fun of me, but he actually wrote it down and finished the paper on his own. We were able to talk and laugh while he did it. So next time I'll use a similar approach to what I just did. He's not upset anymore and seems to be in a lot better mood. (:

[Alphaghetti]

 I read this earlier but didn't know what to advise. So fabulous that you were able to connect with him like that. You're gonna be a great momma!

[Imakcerka]

I was going to advise you to make a game of it.  I know when my DD's are having a hard time goofing off to help them overcome what is bothering them helps break the ice.  I've sang and danced just to crack smiles.  You're doing good.  Keep it up. 

[LynnS6]

It sounds like the book "Playful Parenting" by Larry Cohen would really help you and him. One of the major points of the book is to start with connection, and to lighten things up. It's one of the very few parenting books that I actually own, I like it that much.

Have you talked to him about your struggles? "I remember being really frustrated when mom stopped helping me with homework." "I was a lot like you, and I know how hard it is." Sometimes a little empathy helps connect.

I would still talk to the counselor at school. Is there a way to get him connected with other kids? He sounds lonely and isolated. My son is younger (5th grade) but in elementary school, he's done social skills groups twice, and I think that's helped him. He's just a little bit behind the curve socially, and so having some explicit instruction helped. Your brother is older, and at a hard age.

[meemee]

you may have helped him this time.

but no friends. going to school and coming home to tv and computer absolutely does not sound healthy for a 12 year old on the brink of teenage. 

he definitely sounds depressed or apathetic. 

he is 12 years old. from what you write his life sounds like a nightmare. he needs some inspiration. a hobby (not a time filler like tv or games possibly are). 

it breaks my heart to imagine a 12 year old sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor crying. for an hour? that in my books is v. unusual for a 12 year old. a 4 or 5 or even upto 8 years old i understand. but not much older than that. 

he needs help. even an adult who would inspire him. someone he could listen to.

how can you not have anything to do at 12?!!! that is soooo sad. you still have your whole life ahead of you - to live and enjoy. 

i hope you can find an answer soon. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by meemee 

it breaks my heart to imagine a 12 year old sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor crying. for an hour? that in my books is v. unusual for a 12 year old. a 4 or 5 or even upto 8 years old i understand. but not much older than that. 

 

Have you ever lived with a 12 year old? It's a difficult age. Most kids go through an intense, prolonged period of dis-equilibrium around this age (some a little earlier, some later). Both my children, who were AP'ed, GD and all the other mothering.com stuff were fairly nightmarish at this age.

A lot of kids seem far more together in upper elementary school than they do in middle school. Behavior and emotional swings that would be signs of serious problem during any other stage of life are quite normal for kids going through puberty. I had a mental health provider tell me that it's really hard to tell the kids who really have deep problems from the kids who are normal at this stage because the "normal" ones are often such a mess.

So I agree that a hobby is a good idea and all kids need a friend, but I think that overall your post shows a lack of understanding of how difficult this transitional period of life is both for the person experiencing it and for those who live with them.

[Imakcerka]

Uh yeah, 12 doesn't mean you're in control of your emotions.  12 means you have so many more to deal with and when you're not fitting in and you can't find what drives you you hold on to the little control you have.  When that's taken away... watch out.  The first step is know that he needs some direction but not force. 

[meemee]

the teens that i have lived with have never 'licked their wounds' in public. in the open. crying on the kitchen floor in public - no. crying in their room - yes of course. 

i am sorry if the post came across as lack of understanding.

if anything his behaviour scares me. 

which part - the part of not having friends, playing video games. the crying yes and no. the crying in public concerns me - but not the crying itself. 

my heart breaks for him for the pain he is going through. i myself recall what its like to feel that pain. its also a flash back for me coz i was intimately involved with 3 teens many years ago - all 3 of whom tried to commit suicide and one succeeded. and the one thing common with all 3 of them was the isolation. 

i am surprised you dont think a child who is living so much in isolation (THAT to me is the key) (of course i am going by what the OP has written), who is not doing his homework - those to me are huge red flags. i volunteer with troubled older teens today and many times their problems begin with the same symptoms. 

the other point. the op is going by her own experience and while she totally has a valid concern perhaps she needs some other ways to make sure he does not go down the same path. 

so do i think the family needs help? yes absolutely. more than just them? absolutely. 

[CrunchyMama19]

I have to agree with a PP that I don't feel this is normal behavior for a 12 yo. I am around a lot of teens and pre-teens and remember those years for myself. I understand the years can be "nightmarish" and really unstable. Of course you are not in control of your emotions like an adult HOWEVER, sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor crying for an hour over a simple homework assignment? To have no friends or any connection outside of school? I know 12 yo are VERY emotional but it sounds like he really needs some help with social skills, controlling and expressing his emotions, and getting something to do outside of the home. I think the above suggestions of seeing a school counselor, connecting with an inspiring adult, and getting a constructive hobby where he can make some friends and get out of the house would be helpful. 

FWIW I was an awkward kid, overly sensitive, with poor social skills. It was not fun and I was depressed. Looking back, I think a little intervention would have helped me a lot in my later teens. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by meemee 
i am surprised you dont think a child who is living so much in isolation (THAT to me is the key) (of course i am going by what the OP has written), who is not doing his homework - those to me are huge red flags.

If you read my first post in this thread, I suggested seeing a counselor and finding ways to relax together, such as reading aloud.

I do see flags, but I found the way your post was worded unfortunate. I've had a freaking out 12 year old, your post and attitude would have made me feel worse at the time.

I don't see the point of debating how "normal" this behavior is. I suspect it would be more helpful to focus on ideas to move forward rather than jumping it and getting all freaked out too. In helping my DD through what was a phenomenally difficult phase for her, finding my own center and staying there was key. She didn't need any one else freaked out.

Peace

[Tristis]

He doesn't seem to want to hang out with his friends outside of school. He's okay with being alone. I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'd love to see him leave the house to be around friends every now and then. But he just refuses. I called his teacher this morning to ask how he's doing at school and what not. She told me that he's become more social with his classmates and she hasn't noticed him being picked on or anything along those lines. Last year he was being bullied and she had called to let us know and we had that taken care of. He's a very sensitive kid. I was the same way when I was his age. It hurts his feelings when someone raises their voice at him and he gets really upset.

I talked to him some more last night and he wants me to take him to join boy scouts this week. Hopefully this helps him come out of his shell. I'd rather try to get him involved with other kids doing things he likes than have him see a counselor. I don't want him to think their is something wrong with him. If that doesn't work, then I'll get him to see a counselor.

[captain optimism]

That's a great idea! I was going to suggest helping him find a structured after-school activity. 

I'm not surprised he melted down on the kitchen floor. That kind of writing--open-ended, creative assignment--is really hard for some kids, and no one has been insisting that he do homework.

Did you get your GED? You know what would be cool--if you had homework to do with him. If the GED is done, can you take some community college courses and do some "parallel play" with your brother while he's studying? It sounds like you're a high abilities kid yourself.

Originally Posted by Tristis 

I talked to him some more last night and he wants me to take him to join boy scouts this week. Hopefully this helps him come out of his shell. I'd rather try to get him involved with other kids doing things he likes than have him see a counselor. I don't want him to think their is something wrong with him. If that doesn't work, then I'll get him to see a counselor.

[NiteNicole]

Twelve is younger than it seems but old enough to be included in problem solving.  I would make a plan with him and agree to stick to it for a week and then review.  Don't go through his backpack, I don't even do that to my kindergartener.  Come up with a plan together for when and where he'll do his homework.  Maybe he doesn't want you to help him, maybe he'll be happier if you just check over it or give him ownership of it and just check that he did it.

It's his homework and they are his grades.  You can't force him to care about any of it but fighting about it to the point that he's crying (and probably feels TOTALLY small and disrespected) is not going to help anything.

[beenmum]

My son is 16 and after being with peers all day at school the last thing he wants to do is hang out with them when he gets home. He wants to do what he wants ti do and not deal with other kids and being funny and witty. He wants to be at home where he can relax and not worry if he is saying the right things at the right time.

Does he talk about friends at school?

[rubidoux]

I think it's great that you're there for him and I am sure just having someone there looking out for him will make a big difference.  I'm wondering what's up with your mom, though.  Has she just checked out?  Or is she actively parenting him?  Does she realize that she did you a real disservice by showing no interest in your education?  Can you point out to her that this is her job?  I really think it's great that you're willing to take it on and I am sure that your relationship will be beneficial to him, but it cannot be good for a kid to not have their parent involved.  Is his dad around?  I think kids need to know that they are the most important things in their parents' lives and if your mom (and his dad?) aren't showing that at all, that cannot be helping his mental state.

Also, I'm wondering if you know if he has any friends.  If he does have good friends, that would make me feel like he may be doing okay emotionally.

[Tristis]

Thank you all for the advice. It's very helpful and opening my eyes to a few things. He has talked about friends at school and tells me about his day. Everything seems to be going okay. He also wants to get involved in a club they have at school. He left the house today for a few hours to play with a new friend he made. So that made me really happy. Working on getting my GED is a good idea as well.. for myself and so my brother and I could spend a little more time together.

My parents aren't very involved at this point. My mom became very sick when she was pregnant with my younger brother, which was around the time she quit taking interest in my school work and the things I did. Once my younger brother was around 5, she started to get better but has been a different person since then. It's almost like she quit caring about me(I'm not saying she really did, she just acts that way.) Just one example: At 15, we were very 'poor' and my mom told me I wasn't allowed to eat any of the food in the house and I wasn't allowed to shower there. Thankfully, a good family friend took me in and got me out of that situation. My mom has apologized since then for her behavior and we've gotten past that. She quit helping my brother with school work a few years ago and won't take him to join any of the activities he wants to be involved in. I've pointed it out that he is her child and I shouldn't have to be doing her job, but nothing has changed. So I really want to be there to help him as much as I can. Also, another reason why he may be so sensitive is because when my mom gets mad.. she'll call him names. She apologizes after, but its still not right. And I can tell it hurts his feelings.

My dad works a minimum of 72 hours a week, so he's not home much. But on the weekends he'll take my brother out so they can spend time together.

I'm trying really hard to make things better for my brother, but it's just stressful and there is only so much I can do. :/

[Linda on the move]

I think it sounds like you are being a wonderful big sis and doing a super job of being a caring adult in his life. 

It's great that he's interested in joining scouts and trying a club at school. Those are EXTREMELY positive steps.

I had a couple of other theories on not wanting to hang out with school friends. One is that that there is something going on with his *friends* that he doesn't want to be apart of, but that he doesn't want to rat out to adults. This happened to one of my friends DDs. My friend was very concerned because her DD withdrew from friends she had for years and my friend thought it was a sign of depression. Her DD eventually had a melt down and screamed at her mother about what her friends were up to (drinking and sex). The girl was trying to walk a line between getting along at school, being loyal to friends, and not screwing up her own life. So she was spending all of the time she wasn't at school reading science fiction compulsively and not speaking to anyone, because that was the best thing she could figure out to do.

Another theory is that because your little brother's home life has been less than ideal, he doesn't want to invite friends over. I felt like this growing up. I didn't have people over because I was ashamed of how my family talked to me and how unpredictable my mother was.

My favorite parenting book is "liberated parents, liberated children" which has great examples of how to talk to children and teens like they are humans. Because I did not grow up with this, it was something I needed to learn as an adult. It sounds like there was some major stuff missing in your own upbringing, so you, like me, might find this book helpful.

Good luck!!! 

[captain optimism]

Oh, honey. This is not good. Your mom may care about you and your brother, but it sounds like she's not capable of caring FOR you or for him. 

You aren't your brother's mom and it's OK that you can't do everything for him that she should be doing--and it's great that you're doing what you are. Taking him to scouts or afterschool basketball or that kind of thing--you aren't putting yourself in your mom's shoes, it's just a ride, and you can hang out and read or just come back for him afterward. 

You really need that GED. Are you going to need financial help to set yourself up to get it? Do you think you'll need a course, or can you do it all with a study guide of some kind? I used to work for a non-profit in my area that helped people get their GED--they had a special agenda to work with young pregnant women, but they provided services for anyone over 16. I don't think there was income eligibility. You might not need a course, though--it's something you'll need to investigate. You might be able to buy a book or take one out of the library, work through the exercises, and take the test. I don't know because I'm not sure how much you missed in school--you might be ready to take it now. 

You have two or three months until you'll have a baby to take care of, so this is a good time. My concern is that you can't rely on your parents financially or emotionally, and you aren't married to your boyfriend yet. The GED will make more jobs and more education available to you. (Married or not, it's good to be able to find work you can do that doesn't suck.)  As my MIL would say, keep your options open.   

Originally Posted by Tristis 

Thank you all for the advice. It's very helpful and opening my eyes to a few things. He has talked about friends at school and tells me about his day. Everything seems to be going okay. He also wants to get involved in a club they have at school. He left the house today for a few hours to play with a new friend he made. So that made me really happy. Working on getting my GED is a good idea as well.. for myself and so my brother and I could spend a little more time together.

My parents aren't very involved at this point. My mom became very sick when she was pregnant with my younger brother, which was around the time she quit taking interest in my school work and the things I did. Once my younger brother was around 5, she started to get better but has been a different person since then. It's almost like she quit caring about me(I'm not saying she really did, she just acts that way.) Just one example: At 15, we were very 'poor' and my mom told me I wasn't allowed to eat any of the food in the house and I wasn't allowed to shower there. Thankfully, a good family friend took me in and got me out of that situation. My mom has apologized since then for her behavior and we've gotten past that. She quit helping my brother with school work a few years ago and won't take him to join any of the activities he wants to be involved in. I've pointed it out that he is her child and I shouldn't have to be doing her job, but nothing has changed. So I really want to be there to help him as much as I can. Also, another reason why he may be so sensitive is because when my mom gets mad.. she'll call him names. She apologizes after, but its still not right. And I can tell it hurts his feelings.

My dad works a minimum of 72 hours a week, so he's not home much. But on the weekends he'll take my brother out so they can spend time together.

I'm trying really hard to make things better for my brother, but it's just stressful and there is only so much I can do. :/