12 year old brother that I help take care of. - Page 2

[CrunchyMama19]

Originally Posted by Tristis 

Thank you all for the advice. It's very helpful and opening my eyes to a few things. He has talked about friends at school and tells me about his day. Everything seems to be going okay. He also wants to get involved in a club they have at school. He left the house today for a few hours to play with a new friend he made. So that made me really happy. Working on getting my GED is a good idea as well.. for myself and so my brother and I could spend a little more time together.

My parents aren't very involved at this point. My mom became very sick when she was pregnant with my younger brother, which was around the time she quit taking interest in my school work and the things I did. Once my younger brother was around 5, she started to get better but has been a different person since then. It's almost like she quit caring about me(I'm not saying she really did, she just acts that way.) Just one example: At 15, we were very 'poor' and my mom told me I wasn't allowed to eat any of the food in the house and I wasn't allowed to shower there. Thankfully, a good family friend took me in and got me out of that situation. My mom has apologized since then for her behavior and we've gotten past that. She quit helping my brother with school work a few years ago and won't take him to join any of the activities he wants to be involved in. I've pointed it out that he is her child and I shouldn't have to be doing her job, but nothing has changed. So I really want to be there to help him as much as I can. Also, another reason why he may be so sensitive is because when my mom gets mad.. she'll call him names. She apologizes after, but its still not right. And I can tell it hurts his feelings.

My dad works a minimum of 72 hours a week, so he's not home much. But on the weekends he'll take my brother out so they can spend time together.

I'm trying really hard to make things better for my brother, but it's just stressful and there is only so much I can do. :/

 Yes, there IS only so much you can do. You are being an awesome big sister but keep in that in mind. Help him as much as you can but don't feel guilty, you are not his mother nor should you be expected to fill that roll. I second getting your GED, you are doing great girl!
 

[queenjane]

You're 7 months pregnant and have involved yourself in your younger brother's homework situation to the point where he was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom, and you went in there and physically removed him so that he ended up crying for an hour on the kitchen floor??

You arent the parent. You just arent. I know it must suck to sit there and watch him making the same mistakes you feel you made (such as not doing homework) but IMO this isnt the way to go about it. Be his SISTER. be his FRIEND. His confident, his ally. Please do not set yourself up as Second Mom....you will damage your relationship with your brother, which i'm sure is the last think you want to happen.

I dont find it THAT concerning that after a long day at school he wants to come home, veg out, play videogames and stay inside. Maybe he's an introvert. Not all kids desire to go play ball with the neighbor kids all evening yknow? It MIGHT be a sign of something more, or it may just be want he wants/needs right now.

You say he's in the advanced classes...my niece is gifted, and i could totally picture throwing a huge fit about having to do that writing assignment. He probably thinks, well if its not even graded what is the point? I think homework is hard for alot of gifted kids precisely because they already understand the material and homework seems like a punishment. Maybe try to get a little creative, if you do choose to help him w/ homework...if the assignment is "why we should have a pizza party"...maybe get into a conversation with him about that, you write down what he says, then he can rewrite it in his own words...something like that (just throwing out ideas.)

I remember how hard it was to be a 12 yr old living in (what felt at the time like) a sucky home situation, and having my adult sister who had LIVED exactly what i was going through taking more of a hardline parental role instead of that of empathetic big sister or being the ear i really needed to listen to me.

[LROM]

OP I think it's awesome that you are trying to be there for your brother.  While I agree with some PPs that you're in a stressful position in that he's not having (it sounds like) some of his emotional  basic needs met by your mom, but as his sister it shouldn't (and kinda can't) fall to you to supply them.

Having said that though, what I'm about to say probably sounds like turning you into all sorts of things you're not! :)  But this is the best advice I have:  I think you should have an open conversation with him (building on what you've already done which sounds like it's already building a better bond between you two) and ask him how he feels about his relationship with your mom, how he feels when she calls him names, what he wished would have happened when he was being bullied at school, all that.  If it sounds like he's got a LOT of emotions that he doesn't have a place to process, I really think you should reconsider your choice to not talk to him about counselling at school.

I know many have pointed out that 12 is a difficult age and a lot of his behaviors could be normal, and that's true.  But you also have more info on him specifically: he's got a checked out mom who checked out on you too;  he had some bullying situation recently which we all know is emotionally (and sometimes physically) really hard on kids and can still affect them even after the bullying has "officially ended";  your mom actually calls him names when she's upset, which depending on what she calls him could rise to the level of emotional abuse (no, I'm NOT suggesting CPS involvement.  Just pointing out that this could be true depending on what she's saying to him and that there's a reason it's so serious - it can seriously mess with a kid).  And he doesn't hang out with friends and plays computer games all day, which could just be his personality... or it could also be a sign that he's depressed.

What I'm suggesting is that you talk to him about the above topics, tell him he can tell you anything (which is a TOTALLY appropriate thing for a sister to say to a brother, if you feel it's true), and depending on what you get back, maybe ask him if he wants to talk to someone who's there to listen to him, maybe a school counselor.

I agree with everyone who said he's old enough to need to be included in decision-making about what's right for him, and as his sister I understand you not wanting to (nor being able to) push him to do anything he truly doesn't want to do.  But talking to a counselor, there may be a lot of reasons for not wanting to do that that have nothing to do with the actual talking to a counselor (worries about stigma, your mom or others making him feel like it means there's something wrong with him when actually sometimes it can show how RIGHT he is (i.e. healthy) that he's in a sensitive situation and he wants someone to talk to... I really think exploring his feelings about a lot of recent/current issues and seeing if he sounds like he feels troubled, he feels like he has things he wants to talk to someone about more but there's no one there for him, or things he wants help with that you can't/shouldn't be the one to help him with... those might all be reasons  to tell him that talking to someone is an option.  And if you believe it's true, to point out that sometimes it's a very healthy, reasonable choice to make and shows sanity, not insanity! :)

Whatever you do, I hope you'll update more.  You're an awesome sister and sounds like on the road to being an awesome mom!