7yr old bully - profile change

[greenjoanna]

so the only way to change your profile name is to create a new one - oh well

i'm going to copy my initial post and then go change it lol - not thinking about that - thankyou for reminding me

Parent/Teacher conferences were last night and my daughters 2nd grade teacher started in with. "she's very smart, doing exceptionally well academically - it's the other stuff we need to talk about..."

The teacher has been getting phone calls already (1month into the school year) from 1/2 doz other parents, reports of bullying behaviour on the playground etc. She is very smart - smart enough to know that her behaviour is not ok in front of other adults - she typically keeps it to recess' when it's less supervised. Behaviour specifically includes - making up games and excluding others, whispering to some kids and telling others "we're talking about you", not letting people down slide, physical stuff in some incidences - a kick or a sideways push, being especially mean to a child with a lisp....

I'm at my wits end. This has been going on since she started Kindergarten - but not to this extent. I'm not naive enough to think that it hasn't been going on - i actually think it's been worse in k and 1st then the teachers or anyone else knew and that now she's more brazen about it since she's gotten away with it for 2 years. 

I have 3 kids, she is my oldest and will turn 8 in nov, the middle daughter will be 6 in nov and my youngest son just turned 4. The kids dad is in Portland OR and we are in MN. When our divorce was finally almost 3 yrs ago the kids and I moved back here where both their dads family and mine are. He is finally thinking about moving here also to be closer to the kids. When my oldest started K we were living with my parents and there were a couple incidences - no-one was really sure what happened though - there were 3 girls and there was always a triangle of 2 being friends today etc. 1 1/2 yrs ago we moved in with my current partner ( a woman) and so the kids switched school districts. Last year my oldests issues really crept up at the end of the school year (she was even sent to the principals office). 

She has always been a worrier - worse than most kids, she has always felt protective (overly so) of her father and she is so darn smart. she knows and sometimes its hard for me to tell when i'm being snowed. 

She has seen 3 different play therapists in the last 4 years - i think i'm going to start her seeing another one. The most current i stopped taking her to last spring after 8 months and still not opening up on any real level - it wasn't worth it. She goes back occasionally but usu just stonewalls him (and everyone else who tries to talk to her - teachers, school social worker etc). 

We have treed different activities - karate being the last - all summer long and she wasn't really into it - didn't apply herself and just looked at it as a privilidge/social activity....

She can be the most thoughtful and loving child at times, other times she can be cold, sneaky - almost calculating. I hate saying that about her. I want her to be friends and am trying to seperate this stuff - her stuff - from me and how this is/isn't a reflection of me. She is old beyond her years and is so angry - i can't figure out how to get her to tep into that to expend it in a healthy way. 

Her father repeatedly tells her he's going to be here to visit and then at the last minute - tells her he can't afford it. I even have her enrolled in the big brother/big sister program and her match flaked on her! she has lots of reasons to be angry - i'm just at a loss as to how to get at it!

thank you 

[Imakcerka]

She's mad!  She's very mad and she's going to school with kids who aren't as mad as her.  They probably seem pretty darn happy and that just pisses her off more.  Because it's not fair.  Yet she doesn't understand it.  She know what she's doing is wrong and that's why she hides it.  But while she does it it makes her feel in control.  Why I know this?  That was me.  Why was that me?  Imagine your parents breaking up on Christmas day while you're opening your first present.  Then losing control of your whole life while you get moved around from house to house and all your parents do is fight and forget that you have feelings too.  That you lost that magical moment you look forward to every year... because lets face it when you're 7 christmas and birthdays are something to look forward to. 

So don't give up keep looking for a therapist that can help her.  And apologize for being human.  Apologize for things not being the way she wants.  She obviously can't have it, but you can let her know you're sorry it's not possible right now.  Let her know you know she's a good kid, she's just not ok with what is going on around her. 

Good luck

[greenjoanna]

thank you, i appreciate your comment  - and totally agree- we've been talking about anger and i made a comment about when she's angry at _____ she can talk to ____ et ceters etceters and then i said when your angry at your dad you can talk to - and she cut me off - i'm never angry with daddy. ugh....

were going to make a feelings box tonight that she can out her feelings into. 

[Imakcerka]

Probably because it feels betraying.  You love the one that hurts you the most.  Especially when you're reminded that they hurt you at all.  I always put my daddy on a pedestal and until recently would defend him venomously even when he didn't deserve my allegiance. 

[Slabobbin]

I will be watching this thread with interest. I have a seven year old and can relate to this post. Good luck mama.