Originally Posted by tremama
A manipulative spouse is usually a sign of being an abuser..he is being emotionally abusive. Will your son turn out like him? Possibly. You need to decide if you want to save your marriage or save your son. Good luck!
Is it so black and white? It is really hard.. I mean.. my DH is an amazing guy, friend, man, lover, dad, etc.. and he has totally gotten frustrated with how much there is to do in life. He did do it. I had to go into cancer therapy for 10 days alone and he came to visit after a week and went on, and on, and on, and on, and said so many times during it " I am so freaking sorry for ever asking you to do squat on top of what you normally do, OMG!!!" And it showed me.. he just can't see this.. it is so hard to see. It changed everything. I don't think my DH is abusive at all! abusive is a big word...
I have had all the little talks, chats, moments, deals, issues, melt-downs, everything before that! *He did* always say he was sorry and it got better for a little while. I just think sometimes I wish I had not gone down that road. It is #@$% exhausting and so draining. I probably wouldn't have believed that working out would have helped but I think it really does! And taking the time for myself too. And clearing the crap out of my house.. but the power, good emotions, calmness and patience I have now comes a lot from me becoming stronger when I feel sad.
When I think of how much losing my soul mate hurts, I shake inside and my kids not having a father.. it just seems so hurtful. There are so many reasons to save a marriage... sooooooo many.. Abusive is some hard core stuff.
It does take a lot of proud moments to be clear (as in not yelling or crying) and I have found those to be the very best times I have gotten through. I have even said in a whisper "Could you be a better role model right now please?"
The mama tiger madness? Maybe... but... you might want to mama tiger on paper and watch him read it.
Therapy is a great answer! I have tried that too! I was also not thrilled with my people. I have found working out to be the most "chi" thing to do. I light candles and pray and stare at the light in pray sometimes.. I love to wait for the words and thoughts to come clear and write too.
Oh yeah, and it turns out, after all the little talks and chats that I now want to take back is because pointing out flaws about a person and giving them so much information on how it hurts and how hard it is kind of metaphorically paints the room a really off color.. and I have always really known what I wanted deep inside (deep love) and we are very much that and I have many other reasons too, but I also have a FT dad (recently) with me helping me homeschooling and we are close.. but... I just wish I had opened up what I wanted like a choice of doors.. and just went straight through to deeper feelings (first post) and deeper understanding of how love and totally not forgetting lust with our love works.. caring for it too. And opened that door.. instead of therapy, talking (x100), and those few awful fights.. I so wish I had just talked to him with a deeper love with simple, poignant words.. just my humble words.
OP, if you try thinking of some deep love kind of words to say to him, immediately, or something, sitting on his lap, something to talk straight to his heart.. sigh, and it does fail... there are a lot of things you can do... I would skip therapy as first go and maybe write a log of it and a some notes about your feelings, and write all the visions you have for living without him, etc, etc, all you feel. I have never needed to log, but sometimes logs really help people see how overtime what kind of person they are.. and be sure to write him a chapter size about how you are feeling.. Maybe if he drinks, get out a bottle of wine, get your son and you ready to go.. leave... go to the mall and hand him this on your way out.
Edited by greenacresmama - 10/5/11 at 8:35pm