Apparently my son nursing is "getting his own way"

[EchoSoul]

So last night my son was startled accidentally by grandpa and started crying. Long story short, he held him to make sure my son knew he wasn't there to hurt him, and I took him to the back room to nurse him because we all figured he startled so easy because he had been tired and he had been signaling to nurse before that happened any way. He was tired, but didn't fall asleep before I took him back out to the living room to continue watching tv with everyone. My mother in law asked why he wasn't sleeping and I told her the truth; that he was tired but only nursed, and had to poo, and he won't fall asleep for naps or the night if he has to poo(I do EC). And she says, "Ah. So he just got his own way." Meaning, I think, he wanted to nurse because he was upset  and I caved. Not because he was hungry.

She's said this before; that he has me wrapped around his little finger and makes me think he's hungry so I'll nurse him. I think this is all just regular breastfeeding ignorance because her son never nursed so she isn't real informed on it.  When she says tjis though, all I've managed to think of for responses are "This is perfectly normal" or just smile and ignore.

Then a few minutes later when he was cueing that he was totally ready to go to bed, they asked why I don't just put him in his rocker. I said because he won't fall asleep that way, that he used to fall asleep in it when naps were more frequent, but now he falls asleep nursing. They said that's because I don't leave him in there long enough. 

I guess I'm just ranting. I KNOW I'm not doing anything wrong. My son is very happy and secure. He rarely sucks his thumb. And if he does(last time was..2 weeks ago?), it's usually out of utter boredom. But how do I get them to actually BELIEVE me that nursing frequently is very common and there's nothing wrong with it and it's NOT him "getting his own way again"?

[Lisa85]

Honestly, just nod and smile when they give this kind of advice.  And then continue on with doing things your way.  You'll never get them to see your side, no matter what you say. 

If they press for some sort of answer just say something non commital like This is what works for us, everybody parents differently, we have no desire to change how we do things, etc.  Kinda like saying thanks, but no thanks.

[Adaline'sMama]

But your son IS getting his own way. His own way is to be pacified and happy because he was scared, and you did your job and provided him by taking him into another room, holding him close, and giving him the comfort and security of being latched to his momma along with some nourishment. Why would you NOT give a little baby their own way? How old is this kid? It sounds like he is fairly new to this world and its not really time to start expecting him to grow up and deal with things not being easy on him. It is OK to let your baby have his way. This isnt your world that he is living in, its his world too and he deserves to get his way sometimes, right? Ugh, it drives me nuts when family members say things like that because to me it makes the assumption that he isnt worth being allowed to have his own way.

Your MIL sounds obnoxious. After about the third time of that, I would respond with something like, "Well, little babies are supposed to get their way. Nursing isnt just for feeding, its for building a nurturing relationship as well."

But, my MIL hates me, so you might just stick with "This is what works best for us" nod,smile,silent hate sigh under your breath.

[EchoSoul]

He's 6 months old. I have a love-hate relationship with my MIL. For other reasons than this, though. I know he's *technically* getting his way, but not in the way they're making it out to be. Yes, he's getting his way to eat/drink/get antibodies/get comfort(he may be teething soon, his gums are REAL hard), but he is NOT conning me into nursing him by pretending he's hungry. He cues and I listen. They formula-fed my fiance, so they only know of the eating every 3 hours gimmick. They're using his weight to essentially prove I'm nursing him too often. He weighed in at 25 lbs 10 oz at his 5 month appointment and 29" tall. He's got rolls which they think he's overweight. He's not, though! He is WELL proportioned for his size; I've seen him when he's naked, they haven't, he is NOT overweight. Not for his height.

It was like the other day.. I came upstairs from taking care of my MIL's cats(..yeaaah) because I heard my son's tones from upstairs change EVER so slightly into not being happy. Mammas can do that, y'know? Pick up the slightest verbal changes. So I came upstairs and asked why he was fussing.  They got offended and said he's just been "talking". My son saw me and started whimpering to be nursed and they were like, "Sure, see mommy and get whimpified. He WAS perfectly fine." I didn't explain it, just took him into the other room to nurse him. He nursed for like 10 minutes, and when I brought him back out..HAPPY baby again!

Yeah..I think ignoring it is the way to go. They're not the type of people to change their minds easily. I've heard/seen/felt all the scoffs and shakings of heads.

[seraf]

Next time she says, "Please pass the salt." are you supposed to say, "Sorry, no, that would be letting you get your own way?"

I go for simple answers like, "Nursing is more than nutrition."

[EchoSoul]

As tempting as that is.. that'd make her go off the wall, and would probably make the situation worse.  :/

[seraf]

Sorry, I was just pointing out the obvious that there's nothing wrong with getting one's own way when that is a fine thing to get.  There are times when it's expected.  

I really don't think we can make someone understand.  I might just not mention nursing sometimes if a person is openly hostile to it (why why why is anyone hostile to nursing and even holding an infant or toddler? I do not know).  I might say something like, "He needs to calm down and there are so many people in here that it's too much for him when he's tired.  I'm taking him in the other room for some quiet time."  They don't need to know that y'all like to nurse during quiet time.   

Good luck.

[EchoSoul]

That reminds me.. I found a pro-breastfeeding site the other day with some breastfeeding humor, and one of them was a comparison cartoon. One box was a woman screaming at her children, and the other box was a woman quietly nursing her infant. This cartoon was accompanied by the words, "Now which of them gets more attention?" Sad, but true.

[McGucks]

My 18 month old "gets his own way" (nurses) whenever he wants, wherever he wants.  I kind of think of it as his birthright, in a way, and as a privilege for me since I am a SAHM for now.  I couldn't do it with my first child, and I sure don't plan to stop 'with this one until til I have to or he weans someday.

My MIL supports breastfeeding, but she'd flip her lid if she knew it was still his primary source of nutrition.

Responding to your child's needs in the best way you know how is good parenting.  I agree with the PP who said don't worry about trying to convince your MIL or change her mind.  It likely would be a futile effort.

Keep doing what you're doing and try to forgive your MIL for her ignorance.

[Leav97]

Getting his way is a good thing.  Especially at this age.  He has plenty of time to learn that life doesn't always go your way.

[Snapdragon]

6 months is still so little! When I first read your post I thought you were taling about an older baby. It is challenging to do what you know is right when family is telling you it isn't--

I think you are doiong great- continue to listen to your baby and your heart and try to not take their comments to heart, they don't know better than you do! It can be tricky to navigate that kind of thing.

[EchoSoul]

Originally Posted by caedenmomma 

My 18 month old "gets his own way" (nurses) whenever he wants, wherever he wants.  I kind of think of it as his birthright, in a way, and as a privilege for me since I am a SAHM for now.  I couldn't do it with my first child, and I sure don't plan to stop 'with this one until til I have to or he weans someday.

My MIL supports breastfeeding, but she'd flip her lid if she knew it was still his primary source of nutrition.

Responding to your child's needs in the best way you know how is good parenting.  I agree with the PP who said don't worry about trying to convince your MIL or change her mind.  It likely would be a futile effort.

Keep doing what you're doing and try to forgive your MIL for her ignorance.

The funny thing is.. when he nursed again mere minutes later to go to sleep, he was out cold in 5 minutes. I've never used a paci; and they used to tag me for that too. But I don't see what's so different about lulling a baby to sleep with a paci or doing it with nursing, and why using a paci is so much more desirable.
 

Originally Posted by Leav97 

Getting his way is a good thing.  Especially at this age.  He has plenty of time to learn that life doesn't always go your way.

Of course. I seem to be the only one here that believes life is about him. If he wants to nurse prior to heading out to the car, that's what I do, despite what anyone else says. Not to mention if I don't, he screams bloody murder because he knows it'll take a while to get from Point A to B, so I avoid torturing him like that.

Originally Posted by Snapdragon 

6 months is still so little! When I first read your post I thought you were taling about an older baby. It is challenging to do what you know is right when family is telling you it isn't--

I think you are doiong great- continue to listen to your baby and your heart and try to not take their comments to heart, they don't know better than you do! It can be tricky to navigate that kind of thing.

I try to remind myself each time that they bottle-fed and thus don't know any better; nor do they have any incentive to research into it themselves. Smiling and ignoring the little comments seems to do best, unless for some reason she pushes it.

[tooraloora]

I used to get a lot of flack for responding to my DS, too. When he was a newborn I had people constantly getting on me for spoiling him, and of course the favorite "He's using you as a pacifier!" to which I had taken to responding to with "Yes, he is. And?" Usually that resulted in mild annoyance on their part, but they couldn't come up with anything to respond with, so it ended the conversation. Eventually they stopped bothering with that one. They also got onto me constantly for holding him too much, telling me that I was hindering his development and preventing him from becoming mobile. I went with "His pediatrician says his development is right on track." then changed the subject. Once he started crawling and pulling up, they stopped. I learned pretty quickly that debating any parenting issues with them was not going accomplish anything good, so I stopped. I kept my responses brief and matter of fact, then promptly changed the subject. If they persisted with anything, I responded with "This is not up for discussion" and changed the subject again. With all their complaints, I figured that either they would eventually see for themselves that what I was doing was working for us and not damaging my son, or they would realize that pestering me would get them nowhere and give up. It ended up being a mixture of the two, and that was just fine by me.

They don't have to agree with you. After all, they had their chance to parent with their child. You don't have to convince them of anything. This is your child.

[foreverinbluejeans]

I am a MIL. Mothers tend to think of babies as their baby. In the ideal situation a baby is born in a supportive web of relationships. The grandmother relationship should be very important for the child and the grandmother. That relationship doesn't have to involve the mother. If you can't agree with your MIL that's okay as long as she is good to your child.

Your son should say something to his mother about how it is rude to talk to you that way. She can think what she wants but she shouldn't say it to you and she shouldn't say it around the baby.

She may be concerned about your baby's weight. It sounds like you think it is fine for a 6 month old to weigh 25 pounds. My grandson just turned 3 and weighs 25 pounds. He is just within the low limits of normal weight for his age and height. I would be concerned if my grandchild weighed 25 pounds at 6 months. Besides being concerned about the child's health it is going to be hard to carry him now and as a toddler. Either you are going to be sore or he isn't going to get carried and end up being in strollers or not getting to go places.

Picking away at you with comments about your relationship with your baby isn't the way to do it. There can be a concern that a breastfed baby can weigh too much because the mother nurses when other mothering things could be done to calm the baby to a very abnormal extent. You can find it online and she may know about it. I don't think from what you describe this is an issue for you and your son.

[jenrose]

He's getting his way. As he should, lucky kid. 

[Adaline'sMama]

25 lbs at 3 years is TINY. DD is 18 months, female, and 20 lbs and is in the 1% for weight.

Personally, 25 lbs at 6 months, is a chunky boy but at 29'', it is not a big deal. He is in the 95% for both height and weight.This will only become any kind of issue if he continues to be in the 95% for weight but decreases percentiles for height. And even then, it would have to be for several months before any ped would have a problem with it. He is incredibly tall for a 6 month old too.

As a mother, I do not look at all babies as MY baby. That is a way to get in big big trouble.

[Viola]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans 

She may be concerned about your baby's weight. It sounds like you think it is fine for a 6 month old to weigh 25 pounds. My grandson just turned 3 and weighs 25 pounds. He is just within the low limits of normal weight for his age and height. I would be concerned if my grandchild weighed 25 pounds at 6 months. Besides being concerned about the child's health it is going to be hard to carry him now and as a toddler. Either you are going to be sore or he isn't going to get carried and end up being in strollers or not getting to go places.

It *is* fine for a 6 month old to weigh 25 lbs, especially if it is a breastfed 6 month old who has some control over how he is getting fed.  Now if she were force feeding him, that would be a different story.  I've known a number of babies who weighed that much at that age, and then slimmed down as they got older, basically grew taller without gaining anymore weight for awhile and are slender children. My children were slimmer as babies but became heavier as children. I don't really understand the reasoning that because your grandchild weighs 25 lbs at the age of 3 that somehow her child's weight isn't acceptable.  Even if the MIL is concerned about the baby's weight, children should never be put on reducing diets.  And if a MIL is starting to pick on the weight of a child when he is a baby, there is not good stuff coming down the road.

But I think that the original poster should feel that she has enough freedom to tell her ILs that they expect to get their own way too.  If you are afraid to point something like that out, it doesn't sound like there is an honest open relationship here.  Maybe you can come up with just one thing to say everytime, and maybe they'll get the hint.  Something like, "He should get his own way at least some of the time" or something like what seraf said, "Nursing is more than nutrition" and if they really won't leave it alone, something like, "I find your opinion disrespectful."

[CheriK]

Rant away!  It's good to find a safe place to vent about this sort of thing.  You've gotten lots of ideas, but I wanted to reiterate having your fiance talk to his parents.  Really, he's the one with the long-term relationship w/ G'ma and G'pa, he should know what approach will best work with them, and (at least in my own family) I see it as his responsibility to draw any lines that need to be drawn.  You may decide that it's not worth the effort, but if this is really bugging you, then I'd address it sooner rather than later.  Critiques about your parenting style are likely to continue.  It can really make a difference for Mom and Dad to present a united front.  I found the comments (to me at least; I've heard stories about what MY MIL has said to other relatives, but I can ignore it when it's not said to my face) basically stopped once my husband reminded his mom that these were our children, it was our turn to make our own decisions, and we were doing what worked for our family.  Sometimes, also, grandparents see different parenting choices as criticism of the choices that they made.  It might help to acknowledge that they did a pretty good job w/ their own son (after all, you love this guy enough to marry him & have a child with him, so they can't have completely messed up ;-) but now it's your turn and you also have to find your own way as a parent.

I did want to comment that your son's weight is perfectly fine for him.  It's normal for breastfed babies to grow quite quickly at first.  If his genetics are toward being a big boy, then he'll likely stay big.  If not, don't be surprised if his weight gain slows WAY down or even stop for a time at some point in the future.

As you already know, a 6-month old's needs and wants are the same thing.  The need to be held, comforted, feel secure is as real as the needs to eat, poop, sleep.  Your inlaws seem to belong to the school that believes children's needs aren't important and should be regulated.  You will probably never change that belief, but setting some limits on what sort of comments you'll tolerate NOW is likely to keep your relationship calmer in the future. 

[jenrose]

My first was 24 pounds at 6 months... and 26 pounds at a year... and 27 pounds at almost 2... they slim down once they get active. At 6 months though, her rolls of fat had rolls of fat. She's a very trim adult now, not terribly tall either... with great eating habits. Especially... she stops when she gets full, and eats when she's hungry. I'll never regret feeding her as much as she wanted at the breast in her first two years. Never. 

[WifeofAnt]

My comeback (usually used for cosleeping) is that its not about him.  I'm getting MY WAY!!  I have a happy boy, I don't have to get out of bed, and I got plenty of sleep.  No zombie mamas in my house.  You have a little boy who poops in a potty which makes less mess for you and tells you what he needs to stay happy.  Tons of moms out there WISH they could understand their babies like you do.  Sure he's getting what he wants... but you are too!