I have a history of mild to moderate depression, so my original plan for my home-birth was to keep and consume my placenta, as I've heard this can help with PPD.
HOWEVER, as most of you know, absolutely nothing went according to plan for me and needless to say I didn't get to keep my placenta. I think I was lucky the doctor let me even look at it before it was whisked away to be dissected and tested for infection.
At first I felt fabulous. The first three days or so I felt great and I loved seeing my baby. It's been seventeen days, now, and I am losing my mind. I hate my life right now. I'm not sleeping, hardly eating, hardly drinking enough water to pee twice a day, my milk supply is going down, my postpartum bleeding has stopped, I'm crying ALL THE TIME, not talking to anyone, and basically I feel like I'm mentally and physically shutting down.
I'm spending 14 hours a day in the NICU with my baby, but I don't feel like he's mine. I saw him for all of 10 seconds after he came out of me and then I didn't see him until almost 12 hours later. They wouldn't let me. I feel so blessed that he's healthy and everything, but I don't feel like I had a baby. I feel like I visit a baby everyday... but is he really mine? He doesn't feel like he's a part of me. I don't have this "I feel like I've known him forever" or "He was inside me for seven months" kind of feeling. He feels like a stranger to me, and it makes me so, so sad. Plus, he's taking his sweet time to get bottle feeding down and that's the only thing keeping us from going home. It's going to be several more weeks.
So, what can I do to help myself? I'm not going to go to a counselor. I've been to one in the past and it didn't help me at all to talk to someone who doesn't know me. And I'm not going to take prescription medications because I'm providing milk for the baby.
I'm feeling helpless and hopeless and worthless.