I don't enjoy his company, so why...

[mami2f3]

is it so hard to file papers? I don't have any of those 'love him deeply' feelings that folks on Parents as Partners forum express. So why can't I just divorce? Why can't I even tell him? It is frustrating and painful to live with his not even getting that it is over and yet I can't take that step. What is wrong with me?

[rubelin]

It's hard to give up on a dream, hard to admit things really aren't going to work out, hard to feel like we're letting our kids down. You've also lived with a certain status quo for a long time that has worked, more or less, without the need for making it legal. I found it was easier to put off filing when we were already living apart anyway.

big virtual hugs to you, honey!

[mami2f3]

Yeah, you're right. I can always count on you to understand! 

When he texts me using a pet name or something, I feel like vomiting. And yet, I still can't seem to take that final step. And I'm hating that about me and don't get why it's so.

[floss&ferd]

Because it's scary as hell!  It's a huge life changing decision.  If you aren't ready, then you just are not.

[sren]

Yeah, it's a great big ball of scary.  And even if I *know* it's over, it doesn't mean that I want it to be over.  I didn't want any of this.

[tccandlsccmom]

There are so many things that are ending (hopes, dreams, etc), right?  And there were good times, right (not that outweighed the horrid stuff, but for me they come to memory sometimes)?  So....yes, it is hard.  I was in a domestic partnership rather than a marriage, so I executed revocations of powers of attorney with only a notary (a colleague from work) present.  And then I went and cried for half an hour.....and was numb for days.

[mami2f3]

The weird thing is, I can't even remember the 'good times'. I saw a picture of us where we looked really happy and I wondered, were we? Why? Even when I look at our wedding picture I feel confused. Did I really feel love for him? I must have...

We talked on the phone tonight and he wanted to find a way to work things out. I didn't even know how to respond. I was just blank.

[Murph12334]

yup, it's a BIG change.  It's making it final.  When even though you want it, it still is making it an offical change.