Consequences for aggression towards other children

[Evelynmia'smom]

I need some help teaching my 3 year old that it isn't ok to hurt other children. For about 2 months now she has been targeting younger children at the playground 1-1.5 year olds. She will often seek them out to intentionally bump into them or throw her shoulder into them knocking them down. Sometimes she will hit, but mostly it's just the bumping behavior. I have tried a few strategies but none of them are working. I have tried leaving the playground the moment I see her do this and explain why we are leaving, I have tried offering rewards for gentle behavior on the playground and tried not letting her watch tv when we get home. Nothing is working. She has an 11 month old baby sister who she is also aggressive with. I am most concerned with how angry her face looks right before she is about to hurt someone. Is this something I should speak with her dr about or just a phase? 

[pianojazzgirl]

Since she's shown that this is a behaviour that she is not unlikely to engage in I think you need to start shadowing her more closely at the park.  Watch her like a hawk and don't give her the opportunity to bump/knock/hit other children.  Engage her in an activity like digging in the sandbox or kicking a ball around.

My feeling is that this is something she will outgrow.  She's not really able to put herself in someone else's shoes at this point, to understand how it must be upsetting, etc to be pushed down - she's still so young.  She can understand that it's not ok (ie. it's against the rules) to push other kids, but she has not developed the impulse control to stop herself.  For now that needs to be your job.  In time she will gain it herself.  Continue the ongoing dialogue about how we treat others and what is acceptable behaviour and at the same time realize that she will not be able to exhibit "acceptable behaviour" reliably at this time.

Another thing you can keep in the back of your mind is thinking about how to set her up for success.  Go to the playground only when she's well-fed and well-rested.  Think if there are "better" times of day for her (some kids find early evening a difficult time, for example).  Go when there aren't too many other kids around.  Invite a friend who she plays well with so she will be occupied with him or her and less likely to seek out younger kids.  Bring along fun toys like a ball, bubbles for blowing, a scooter, etc.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Using a consequence to attempt to teach the child not to hurt others is generally not a good idea, because in order to use a consequence, the hurtful behavior has to occur first. You don't want to wait until after the hurtful behavior happens (and neither does the other child's parent) - you want to prevent it from happening altogether.

It would be more useful to shift your focus to how she can be successful from the start, and to prevent the hurtful behavior from happening. Her behavior is very common and I don't think it means there's anything wrong with her. Most children outgrow this. In the meantime, she probably shouldn't go to parks or activities where there is freeplay and there are other children unless you are able to pay very good attention and always within arm's reach. It sounds hard, because she needs playtime and exercise, but its not forever, probably only for another year or so, and you can try to find some parks or times when other children are not present.

 She might do better with some short, one-on-one playdates where you can be present and you can provide structured activities.  It would be okay to not worry about providing social interaction with other children at her age, though. Most children just find it too frustrating anyway until they are 4-5.

With her younger sister, this is also very normal behavior, but you would want to keep both children safe even though you know its normal. Being able to successfully hurt your younger sister tends to be reinforcing, because she usually screams (its so much fun to make her get upset) or you succeed in getting her to let go of what you wanted or because you got her to go away or because you got attention from mom or because you got your angries out by being mean. Its better to not let that happen. Its better to try to keep them separate, keeping the little one close to you or the older one close to you, until you can be present on the floor with them. Or to set up structured activities (playdoh, painting, crayons, etc) at a table close to where you are. If she is hurtful to the younger one, your first response should be to sympathize with the little one, pick her up and remove her from harm, give her lots of sympathy and attention - and ignore the older child for a bit because you attending to the one who is hurt. I personally wouldn't do any more than that (would not give a consequence to the older child) but would keep one of them close to you, maybe even putting the younger one in a sling and doing the dishes with her or whatever.

Hang in there. This does pass. Prevention is the key.